The Curious Case of Rei Ikari
by avete
Summary: If I can make things better, I have to. For as long as I can, for as many people as I can.
1. Angel With No Sense Of Self Preservation

So, this is something I'm playing with: what if an SI that isn't really an SI has knowledge of evangelion... but that knowledge is wrong?

What if she watched the series eight years ago, and the world she finds herself in is... rebuild? And what if the divergences start before that.

**Chapter 1:**  
Like an Angel With No Sense of Self Preservation.

* * *

It felt like falling, that first sensation. It felt like my stomach was rising into my throat, an anxiety that kept miltiplying without end. There was no sight, no sound, no sense of touch. I felt myself accelerating downward for... minutes? Hours? Years? Centuries? My concept of time was skewed, eternity felt like seconds and seconds felt like eternity.

The scent of ozone was the first thing I was aware of, a sharp, acrid scent that gave way to... gasoline and hot leather. My tongue felt thick in my mouth and I sucked a sudden, greedy lungfull of air past my lips. I shifted a little, feeling the wakefulness slowly creeping through me, felt my skin pulling on a leather seat.

There was a soft, rhythmic droning and the sensation of motion, little bumps and sways. I'd woken up from sleeping in a car enough times that I was familiar with the sensation. It felt like nostalgia, trips in the car as a child, sleeping on the back seat while my dad drove.

I finally cracked my eyes open and a lock of hair fell into my eye, powder blue? Must have been _really_ drunk last night. I stretched out and felt my muscles and joints pop as I let out a yawn. Yeah, it was a car, black leather interior, hot and stuck to my skin.

"Finally awake huh? Guess that whole ordeal back at the bus stop took it out of you."

I blinked, I didn't recognize that voice, or that accent or... _that was Japanese._I sat up and leaned the chair forward, I was on the left side of the car. Definitely weird, had I left the country or, was it just an import. With a Japanese-speaking woman driving it.

I finally turned to face the her, "Uh, hey?" She was, at a glance, late twenties, maybe. She was dressed in some kind of uniform. My first thought went to military, but it didn't look like any military uniform I'd ever seen.

Actually, that was wrong, she was wearing a jacket that looked military; the dress she was wearing was most assuredly not. Jet black and at best came down to mid thigh, no, this was... What the hell was this?

"I was actually a little surprised you were able to fall asleep after all that but I guess your trip really tired you out huh?" She asked with a smirk. She wasn't looking at the road. Grand.

Trip? I tried to think of last night, or really my last memory and... There was the fire. There was a fire in the cockpit, and I kept flying and... How did that end up with me here, now? Did I crash, did I burn up? Was the fire a dream? If it was that still didn't explain... _this._

I blinked a couple of times and looked out the windshield, yeah this was getting weirder than I was comfortable with."Yeah, it was pretty intense," I replied deadpan.

Was I kidnapped? That would have been... something. Kidnapped, hair dyed, and put into a car with a single woman... who I was pretty sure I could take in a fight. Not that getting into fights was really my schtick, but even so.

Still, something about the woman and her jacket struck a chord of familiarity with me. Asian, probably japanese, and black hair that almost looked purple in the right light. Some kind of dye or highlights maybe?

I looked down, a skirt wasn't really that out of the norm for me but this looked kind of school uniform-y and I was ten years out of highschool. Gray skirt, some kind of, yeah that's a yellow vest, and a red tie? White blouse and...

Well apparently I went from an A-cup to at least a C since I'd last checked. Those were definitely new. Not that I was complaining but if this was some kind of fetish thing, I was going to _find_ a gun, and then-

My train of thought completely derailed at the sound of screaming turbine engines. A trio of fighter jets buzzed across the road close enough that I was sure I could have touched them if I tried, close enough that I could tell they were strike eagles, and that somebody was about to have a bad day.

I followed them across the sky as another trio came up behind them, all converging on a point in the distance, some kind of black... monster? _A__ monster, __really__?_ The thing looked, at a guess, to be at least as tall as an office building, distance and scale notwithstanding, it was _huge._

And it was _familiar_, like a word on the edge of your tongue that you could have remembered just fine if only you didn't _need _to. Giant monster, squadron of strike fighters, woman in a red... jacket. Well either this was a dream, or... well it sure felt real to be a dream, but then so did that fire.

Did I die?

Was this heaven?

Was this _hell?_

How did this sequence go again? The fighters go in, they fire a missile, there's a... something, just out of reach again, on the tip of my tongue... I felt the car slowing down, I turned to the driver, she was looking past me, was she going to stop and look?

"Can we keep going? It might not be safe to stop, if it comes this way." I asked suddenly as the picture in my mind started to clear up. Was this world...? No that would be ridiculous to even think.

But only as ridiculous as a gigantic monster being attacked by fighter jets, and that was happening right in front of me.

The car started to speed back up. I guessed that she was _probably_ Misato Katsuragi if this was actually what I thought it was, but who did that make me?

I looked back out the window at the monster in the distance, just as it disappeared behind a hill. My eyes caught the side mirror and I angled to look at myself and... yeah that was definitely not me. Hair was, well it definitely came out of a bottle, I could see my roots if I looked really hard, so it wasn't fresh but...

That wasn't my face, still asian, just the wrong kind. Skin tone was off, eyes looked... the same. I would have thought I was, maybe, Rei? But the eyes were normal, brown eyes. So, I was not a clone, and Shinji didn't have a figure quite like this, and... shouldn't there have been some kind of pamphlet with ID or something? I remembered that much.

I looked down into the floorboards, there it was, a satchel, made out of black pleather; that'll do. I picked it up by the strap and pulled it into my lap when the flash lit up the sky. I jumped in my seat and I heard the explosion a few seconds later, and looked up to see dust and debris flying over the roadway, blocked by the hill between us and the blast.

So I wasn't wrong and that didn't make me feel even a little bit better.

And It was kind of funny, with all this going on, all these changes, I managed to keep my head together, even as it started to seem more and more like it wasn't a dream. I just kept setting short term goals and working towards them, and everything would be okay or... at least I could take it one step at a time.

The car slowed down, 'Misato' was on her phone, yelling about something, I wasn't paying much attention to her, I was focused and engrossed in my bag, surely somewhere in here- and found it.

I fished out the folder and then flipped it open, found exactly what I was looking for. Confirmation of my fears, or confirmation that this was all some wild misunderstanding?

I fished the little plastic ID card out of the pocket on the inside of the folder, flipped it over a few times in my hands then finally brough myself to look at the picture and name on the front. Yeah, that was 'my' face, the hair was brown, so the dye job would have come after but, that was definitely a picture of who I was right now.

Ikari Rei. Two words I could never have reasonably expected to see together like that, certainly not when applied to me, but... there they were. That's who I was, apparently. Rei Ikari. Not Shinji Ikari, not Rei Ayanami. Rei _Ikari_.

I leaned my head back against my headrest and let out a sigh. What else was different, I had to wonder. Hell, what was even the point? I could probably get out of the car and find a nice spot to watch the end of the world from.

"Nervous, Rei?" The woman asked, asked _me, _apparently.

I grimmaced and let out another sigh, "Well, you know, gigantic monsters, a nuclear explosion, strange new environment, lots of stress."

She laughed, "Well that's not a 'no' I guess. Everything will work out in the end, at least, that's what I choose to believe."

"I guess you're not wrong," I shrugged and continued, "I have to admit though, for the last few minutes I've been toying with the idea of jumping out of this car and seeing how far away I can get before you come back and stuff me back in."

"About a quarter mile, if you're in good shape. I wouldn't try to jump out of a moving car in that skirt through, you'd get skinned up pretty bad and we'd have to get you bandaged up," she answered matter of factly. I glanced over to see a goofy little grin on her face. So it was like that huh?

"I don't know, I think I could run a lot faster in this skirt than you could in that dress, looks a little... restrictive, you know, around the hips and thighs..." I replied in a slightly elevated tone, I felt a smirk creeping onto the corner of my mouth.

"Hmm." She answerd with a frown, and then, she dropped the car a gear and stomped the accelerator, pinning be back in my seat as we lurched forward, accelerating down the highway as the engine screamed louder and louder.

There was a brief respite when she released the accelerator, then slammed it back into high gear and floored it again. I watched the needle on the speedometer as it rose steadily from my side of the car and gave silent thanks to the inventors of seatbelts, airbags, and crumple zones.

That's not to say I hadn't done worse, I had, but there's a difference between faith in your own abilities and accepting the choices of your own actions... and being the involuntary subject to the whims of someone who was doing her very best to appear as a madwoman.

Still, at least she was competent. It was obvious she was trying to rattle me but watching her drive the car, I could tell that this was not the first time, and she was clearly in her element. Eyes fixed on the road, hands tight on the wheel, a slight creasing of her brow. She was locked in, and I knew the feeling, that was how I felt when I was flying.

And now, I had that nagging feeling that I was sure was going to end up being correct, that I was about to become a pilot, but of an entirely different sort. A sort that was sure to be a lot less lesuire and fun, and a lot more death defying and traumatic and yet...

Well, why the hell not? What was there really to be afraid of? If it worked, I'd probably win, if it didn't work, I'd die anyway. And who wouldn't at least want the chance to try it, even with the danger and risk of death?

I clenched the panic handle in a death grip as the car finally drove down into a tunnel, the driver showing no signs of slowing down, and thought about that. The truth was, I really had no reason to refuse it if they did ask me, and given the name I was currently wearing, if, perhaps not proudly, I had to assume that that was what I'd been called here to do.

And the rest of it, well, the rest of it was something that I would have to figure out whenever I had the chance. If the internet was a thing here, and even... half of it was the way I remembered, I shouldn't have a hard time at all tracking down the information I needed. What I would do with it? Well, that was a bridge I'd have to cross when I came to it.

But making plans, that was something I had to keep doing until I settled into things, or figured out a way out of them. Plans gave me focus, gave me something to think about other than freaking out, gave me a focus and an objective.

Current objective: Survive the next ten minutes, and then the ten minutes after that. Keep repeating that goal until something changes or I have more information. That was something workable, that was something I could accomplish in the short term.

I frowned and looked at the palm of my right hand, watched the muscles and tendons flex in my wrist as I worked my fingers. This hand, it wasn't mine, and yet it was. Trippy perhaps wasn't the best word but it was suitable, stuck in the body of a fictional character who apparently wasn't that fictional after all. No, this wasn't a dream, and it wasn't the reality I was used to but, well, my right hand was real. That much I was sure of.

_Yeah psych yourself straight up over this._

Maybe this was a blessing, at least part of it. Not in the religious sense of the word maybe. I was religious but then, I was never one who practiced regularly, no. This was a chance though. Often, I thought of what I'd do if I had the chance to start over, to go through my teenage years again with the benefit of experience, what I'd do differently.

At the very least, I had that chance now, end of the world notwithstanding. Correct my mistakes, or at least make different ones this time. Was the price worth the reward?

Actually, it might be. Postive outlook, that was a secondary objective. Have a positive outlook. I could do that.

The car jolted and I blinked and looked up. We'd reached the end of the tunnel while I was lost in thought and the car had locked into some kind of lateral carriage. In a moment I felt sideways movement. Sideways and down.

"You're gonna love this part, Rei," The woman, Misato said. I had to get used to thinking of her by her name, embrace the present. Alternatives? Lose my mind, surrender to fear, have a breakdown? No thanks.

Still, Rei? First name basis already huh? I had to wonder what kind of conversation she'd had with whoever was occupying this body before I was. Did I kill her or, did this universe not even exist before I woke up?

If she was 'dead' because of my occupation of this body, was that even my fault?

An existential crisis already huh? Yeah, definitely evangelion.

Then, the carriage slid out of the tunnel completely and I saw it. The Geofront in all of it's splendor, the fortress under the city. I found myself pressing my face against the glass in wonder. No drawn picture, no _photograph_ could ever have captured the awe and wonder of this place.

_"So damn cool!" _I squealed in barely contained excitement. This was _real_, and no matter how bad it got, in that one moment it didn't matter in the slightest. This world might kick my teeth in later, but for that precious moment, it felt like it did the first time I was in the cockpit of a Piper J-3 flying over the Grand Canyon.

But this wasn't a triumph of time and geology, this was a triumph of mankind.

_"Your english is pretty good, been keeping up on your studies huh?'_ Misato asked me in the same language I'd used. She knew english. Of course she would. Good that I still did, too.

Of course, I was a native speaker, but she didn't need to know that, not yet. I was in a new place, with new people. I could blame forgetting anything said since the old-me got in this car on bad memory, stress. Unless whoever I'd been staying with, in this world, for the last fourteen years showed up, I could just play this thing by ear, keep my cards close to my chest, and maybe I could avoid telling anyone the truth.

And if there was something I didn't know that was important, better to be seen as forgetful than insane.

Not that I really thought I was compeletely sane anyway, not anymore. I woke up with a different face, a different history, a different person entirely, and I hadn't run screaming for the hills, but then, maybe a certain level of insanity is necessary to cope with that kind of thing.

"Yes, there wasn't a whole lot else going on, and I thought english would be useful," I lied, still watching out the window as the car descended. Could she tell I was lying, and would she even care?

"It does come in handy," She agreed, "But you probably won't need to rely on it too heavily."

At least she had no reason to ask where I learned Japanese, that would have been a pretty difficult question to answer. Small favors.

The car stopped with a jolt as the carriage finally hit bottom, the door in front of us slid open and Misato put the car back in gear. I had to admire the way she drove, she knew what she was doing. A fluid transition into gear, and between them as we sped up, a far cry from the lunging jerk one often associated with a manual transmission.

Of course, she would have had to know what she was doing, I had a hard time believing that a sportscar from 1970s France would have ended up in Japan and under her care entirely by accident. Of course, with her job, it was probably trivial to get it.

Money talks.

The trip inside the geofront was abrupt compared to the trip on the highway outside, from the carriage to the parking structure passed in the span of maybe five minutes. I spent most of that lost in thought and found myself surprised when she shut the car off.

_Guess I'lll let myself out... _I popped the door handle and climbed out of the car, satchel firmly in hand. Yeah, I could do this.

"We're just about there, come on," She said with a wave of her hand. "Your father is... waiting for you," she finished after a moment. I could feel the slight tension in her tone as she hesitated.

I could only speculate on how tense things were going to get in short order. On the one hand, gigantic biomechanical death machines and an absentee father who actually runs the whole show. On the other, I didn't actually experience whatever he'd put 'Rei' through.

"You usually the taxi driver around here?" I asked with a smirk. Levity, let's try levity.

"Only for the cute ones," she answered with a laugh. Oh, she wanted to try the teasing game.

"I didn't realize I was your type," I sing-songed back.

"I am a woman of many mysteries, Rei."

I raised an eyebrow and let out a 'hmm' sound. So, was she teasing or was this flirting? Did she forget that I was, well, carry the one, half her age? No, she was screwing with me, but that didn't mean I couldn't have fun with it.

"Are you now, we-"

"We're here," she cut off abruptly. I looked up to see her swiping an ID bade through a scan plate next to an elevator door, they slid open immediately, it had apparently been parked on this floor. Waiting for us or coincidence?

I stepped into the car after her and we both remained in silence, I could feel the tension in the air. It was nearly go time. Did she know why she was bringing me here? Did she have a suspicion?

The elvator car was clean, but industrial. Very mechanical, functional. It reminded me of the service elevator in a factory I'd worked in when I was younger, none of the ammeneties or style like you might find in an office building.

Younger, heh. I was what, fourteen now? I'd been nearly thirty before all this. Fifteen extra years though? I could probably live with that, if I made it through the next year anyway.

I felt my stomach rise into my throat as the elevator car dropped. Must have been an express, or something. I wasn't used to feeling anything this extreme outside of an airplane cockpit. Still, nothing that took my feet off the ground.

The deceleration was equally abrupt, and with a soft jolt the car stopped and the doors slid open. Misato stepped out first, and hesitated. I followed her into the brightly lit hallway and found the reason.

A blonde haired Japanese woman. Yeah, that definitely came out of a bottle. Labcoat, leggings, skirt, blouse... Yeah, I had a pretty good idea who I was looking at.

"Ritsuko! I was just... looking for you!" Misato exclaimed with an almost manic expression on her face, complete with flailing.

"Misato, you're actually not late this time. So, is this the third?" She asked, confirming what I as much as knew about the woman who'd brought me here.

"She is! She's also a little... hmm, sarcastic," Misato offered.

_Just throw me right under that bus..._

Ritsuko looked at me, our eyes met, and I felt... recognition? In her gaze. "Ritsuko Akagi, head of Project E technology division, section one. It's a pleasure."

"Rei Ikari, the pleasure is mine," I offered with a slight nod.

Akagi 'hmm'ed at my reply and gestured towards a carriage set into a rail in the floor, "this way, the linear carriage will take us to the cage, I'll fill you in on the rest of it once we arrive."

I grabbed tightly on the handrail as the carriage accelerated. I had to wonder what lunatic designed such a thing: It was a simple platform with handrails on the edges that traveled at offputting velocity along a track embedded in the floor. If my feet slipped, I could end up going right under the railing and then...

It would be bad.

The wind felt good in my hair, if I closed my eyes and tried real hard I could imagine I was flying in an old stearman, feeling the wind blow through my air, streaking across the side.

Well, there was no engine noise but the sound of the rollers on the track, if I tried really hard...

_Nope, not feelin it._ Well, it was nice while it lasted.

The end of the trip wasn't far off either, I could see the far bulkhead on the far side of the vast expanse I we were crossing. I looked over the edge of the cart and into infinity. Was this some kind of last ditch airgap? Something else? Was it meant to keep something out or... was it meant to keep something in?

The carriage zipped across the remainder of the gap and through an airlock, not slowing down for an instant. The track curved abruptly upwards, but the carriage remained level. That was a neat bit of engineering.

It probably wouldn't be long now, I could almost feel the pull, feel the taste of destiny in the air.

_How dramatic._ Still, there was... something, that I could feel.

The carriage started to slow and as I looked ahead I could see a platform illuminated under a flickering florescent light, the paint was a faded olive drab. It reminded me of old military, it looked older than the rest of the facility, the air tasted a bit more stale. It tasted, smelled, felt like age, was this part older than the rest of the facility?

The handrails on the carriage dropped away, retracted into some deep recess of the machinery, the platform lit up brighter and the double door slid open to reveal two rows of low intensity track lighting leading into the darkness. So it is.

Wordlessly, Akagi lead the two of us into the vast expanse beyond, you could almost feel the wide open-ness of the room, despite the darkness. Something about the way the sounds reflected off the surfaces, echoes of heels on steel betrayed the size that was hidden by the darkness.

I looked to the good doctor, her face an almost orange color in the glow of the track lighting, I could detect the hint of a smirk on her face, and then I heard the snap of her fingers. The loud clack of a massive relay slamming shut in the distance echoed through the chamber at the same instant that thousands upon thousands of watts of high intensity lighting turned night into day.

I licked my bottom lip and held back my own smirk as best I could. Showtime. I turned around and took in the surprise I'd been waiting for. Mere words would not have done it justice, nor drawn picture, animated film, nor photograph. The sheer scale and presense of what lay before me exceeded anything I had expected, could have expected.

"The synthetic lifeform, the last best hope for the survival of humanity, Evangelion Unit One," Akagi proudly declared in the kind of voice that betrayed all of the confidence and conviction that a woman of her talent and accomplishment could muster.

Despite my preparations, despite my own self assurance that I knew what was in store for me, my jaw fell in shock. The towering visage of Evangelion, so close I felt that I could reach out and touch it, an illusion born of the sheer scale of the thing. The armor grade steel, painted in gray and purple and green and black, the black eye sockets, the metal plated jawline.

It was fierce, and despite that seemed to exude a radiance of warmth and maybe kindness, despite the power and force it projected. Standing before it, I knew why I had felt the way I had before, that draw and attraction I had felt. This thing before me, this was an engine of destruction, of madness, of creation, of destiny. Like nothing I'd ever seen, nothing I could have imagined and...

If man could create this, then I had no doubt that with the proper motivation mankind truly could create or do anything.

"This... This is why I'm here." It was not a question, not anymore.

"Correct."

I looked up to see the source of the voice, that smirking man with the beard and the glasses. Was his motivation the same in the here and now? Was it everything I remembered it to be?

And really, having felt loss, did I actually think that he was wrong?

"You're going to... send her out in unit one?" Misato asked incredulously, I snapped my head back in her direction. She was staring at Akagi with a sort of enraged shock.

"Misato, what did you think she was brought here for? We have no choice, if she does not pilot, we all die," Akagi explained in a level voice, though I could have sworn I felt a hint of... sadness?

"Rei," the man asked again, I looked up again, my face neutral, hands open at my sides.

I considered the man, then looked down at the face of Unit One, and closed my eyes. That was why Rei was here, was this why _I_ was here? My thoughts turned back to that fire. No, that was not a dream, I could understand that now. I had made a decision then, the decision that kept me in that cockpit, and it was terrifying and painful, but it was the only decision that could make. It was the same choice I was faced with now.

It was on me to do what I could do, the best that I could do, with the resources at my disposal. Find the best outcome for the most people. Not because I was being forced, but because that was the only way I could be true to myself.

Maybe that's why I was here, because I made that choice then, to make this choice now.

I opened my eyes and looked back up at the man, the father of Rei Ikari, what would my decision make him feel? Disappointment that I didn't bow and scrape before him or... pride that the fruit of his loins would overcome the fear before her?

It wouldn't have made a difference either way.

"I'll do it."


	2. Both Feet First

Chapter 2:

Both Feet First

* * *

The air inside of the entry plug tasted like iron and machine oil, at least until the hatch closed. I looked up when I heard the creek of the hatch sliding into place and felt the skin on my back stick as it shifted against the padded vinyl seat. Then, the air flushed out and was replaced with cold, clean, dry air.

It actually was comfortable, and probably would have been a lot more so if it wasn't rubbing up against bare skin. Bare skin, Misato had warned me when they were getting the plug ready, that I probably didn't want to ruin my clothes.

"LCL doesn't wash out easily" she'd said. At least she was giving me a head's up about it, until she mentioned it I had forgotten about it completely. The corner of my lip curled up as I thought about the panic I'd probably have felt when they started pumping the stuff into the plug.

That's not to say I was naked, undergarments were a necessary sacrifice to the LCL in the name of modesty. I just told myself it was no different than wearing a bathing suit. Besides, I was pretty sure that the video communication thing was just from the neck up anyway.

Probably.

The control sticks were slick in my hands, I was sweating, nervous. Who wouldn't have a little anxiety at a time like this though? Nobody, that's who.

The controls were, well, not what I had expected. Two control handles set into the control seat, each with a trigger and a series of buttons on the top of them, and a foot pedal at the end of each leg slot. The entire setup felt a lot like riding a motorcycle or a horse. The more I thought about it, the more it actually felt a lot like riding a horse, even if the angles were off.

If I was going to think of the setup like a saddle, then where the saddle horn would have been, was a full keyboard set into it. I wasn't sure if that was something omitted from the TV show, or if it had just been that long, and that my memory was failing me.

The clips in my hair shifted when the plug lurched forward and down. It was happening, they were getting ready to start this thing up. I took a deep breath and let it out slowly through my nose, just keep calm.

There was an electronic chirp and I turned my head to look, a video window had popped up to my left, I could see Misato's face projected in front of me. _"__Rei, we're going to start filling the plug now, please just try to breath normally."_

My hands clenched against the controls and I nodded. It was one thing to understand the concept and be prepare for it, it was entirely another thing to fight back the instinct not to inhale liquids. Maybe she didn't do me any favors by preparing me for it.

"Yes, ma'am."

Then my ears popped as the air pressure changed, I heard pumps kick in and the taste of iron flooded back into the plug. I looked down past the control saddle and watched the amber liquid rushing up to meet me. It took maybe three seconds for the level to reach my feet, and another half a second for it to go over my head from there.

I tensed, clenched down hard on those control sticks and shut my eyes. Panic, don't panic. You're panicking and you need to stop. Breathe, this isn't the worst thing you've ever done. You did it for nine months when your mother was pregnant with you. You can do this.

My mother, not the best thing to think about, she was...

The burning in my lungs finally over-rode my self preservation instinct and I took a greedy lung-full of the liquid and... it actually wasn't that bad. The taste washed over my tongue, iron, coppery, a tinge of salinity... I knew, after a fashion and some purification, what the source of the liquid was but...

Well, I eat my steaks rare, who was I to really complain?

The video link was still open, I glanced over at it, though I couldn't make out much, my eyes were totally out of focus, like when you're swimming under water without goggles. Sounds were a little strange too, I could hear people talking in the background but they sounded tinny, far away.

_"Charging the LCL"_

The taste of ozone filled my mouth and I felt the hairs on my head stand up and then, it was gone. All of it, the feeling, the taste of ozone, the taste of iron, the thickness of the fluid, the fuzzy out of focus-ness of my eyes.

I took a breath and it was, different than air, but not a lot. It felt like, for lack of a better word, _thick_ air. And I could see, and the sounds had returned to normal. Normal, right. As if anything about this was normal.

The background noise in the plug itself suddenly changed pitch and I felt a prickling on my skin, an... _itch_ in my mind. I licked my lip unconsciously, there was a taste of _nostalgia_. The soft copper-gold color of the plug walls disappeared in a flash of color and was replaced with the outside of the unit, I could see the catwalk in front of me, the one I'd been standing on fifteen minutes prior.

Synchronization can cause synesthesia, I filed that one away in my mental filing cabinet.

_Weight._ My head, shoulders, back, arms, legs. I was _heavy_. Heavy, stiff, restrained? Was I actually syncing with the unit? Could I do this?

_"Synchronization is stable at 35%"_

That would have to be good enough, I could do this. If I didn't do this, who could? The _other_ Rei? Was there another Rei?

The catwalk in front of me retracted and I felt the saddle shift as the locks released the unit. I shook my head, get your head in the game, girl. It's showtime, too late to back out now. I closed my eyes and leaned back in the saddle.

I concentrated on the feelings I was getting through the link as the unit was carried backwards on the track, towards the launch catapult, I assumed. I let go of the control stick in my right hand and flexed my fist a few times, getting a feel for what was coming from my own body and what was coming from the unit.

Make a fist. I thought at the unit, and tried guiding it with my own hand. I could feel the fingers twitching, sluggish, the feedback was dull, but it was there. Come on, make a fist... I slowed my own movements, making a fist along with the commands I was trying to send, but only moving as fast as the unit was responding. Would that help?

I could feel the fingers curling up in the right hand. It was... a novel sensation. It was less that the unit was mirroring what my physical body was doing, and more like I had grown... well, another body. There was my arm, and there was Evangelion's arm, and they were mapped differently in my mind. There was overlap, a lot of overlap, but the two sensations were still distinct.

Okay, release the fist. Slowly, deliberately I uncoiled my hand, thinking and feeling the same message to the unit. The dull, almost springy feeling feedback reached me as the hand steadily unclenched and returned to the rest position.

Okay, both hands, clench up into a fist, good. Now rela-

_"Eva launch!"_ Misato yelled, my eyes snapped open.

I put my hand back on the control stick and grit my teeth as the catapult fired. I felt the skin on my face sag a little as the g-forces slammed me down into the saddle. I felt the pressure through the unit's boots, pressing down into the platform as the acceleration curve flattened out... and then the platform started decelerating.

That part was actually fun, like being in the back of one of those padded airplanes they used for zero G simulation. Of course, I was still traveling upwards at a pretty substantial rate, I was just coasting instead of being under powered ascent.

I felt the brakes start to grab, I was pulled upwards in the saddle, it was almost time. I looked down at the unit's right hand and flexed it again, it was much smoother this time, I was getting the hang of it... or the unit was just learning to accept me.

It would be enough, because it had to be enough.

My head snapped back against the vinyl headrest and I jerked upwards in the saddle, stopped only when my thighs pressed against the restraints. I'd hit the end of the launch track. Right in front of me, maybe a few hundred yards distant, the monster. The _angel._

Equally as tall as the evangelion, with broad shoulders and spindly arms, it was a creature from the darkest depths of nightmare, with a bone mask that looked almost avian, with those two empty eye sockets.

_"Final safety locks disengaged, Unit One is free."_

Alright Rei, let's do this thing. I looked down at the unit's hand and flexed it into a fist and raised it experimentally. There was a slight lag but it worked.

_"Rei, just concentrate on walking for now."_ That was Misato again.

Walking? Alright, walking. I reached out and felt for the legs, for the knees, the feet. I took that first step and planted it. Good. I could feel the pavement under the boot, could feel the leg muscles coiled up.

The sensation was almost like walking while your leg was still half asleep. Second step, push off, left leg forward. The left toe caught the ground and I started to fall forward. No! I grit my teeth and pulled the left leg forward to catch myself. Purchase, I managed to get the foot down onto the concrete but my center of gravity was already too far forward, I was still falling.

"No!" I yelled as my feet worked the pedals in the stirrups of the control saddle. I pulled up eva's right leg and drew it forward. If my center of gravity was already forward, I would just have to use it.

Sometimes you've got to run before you can walk.

I shifted forward in the saddle and shoved the control sticks forward, kicked off hard with the right leg. Left, right, left, right. Kept pushing forward, kicking off the ground harder with each step, turning my drunken stumble into a sprint.

The distance was closing fast, what was a few hundred yards to a two hundred foot war machine? I clenched a fist with the right hand. I'd been stumbling like a drunk, now I was going to fight like one. I screamed like a feral beast and I swung my right arm like a hammer, right into...

An AT field. That's what that was, orange hexagonal force field. Not good.

The unit's hand stopped against the surface of the AT field, I pulled back and punched again, and again I was denied. No! Was it really going to end like this?

I caught a flash of movement, the left arm was far too slow and I took the angel's counter attack to the face. I felt the hit on my own face, felt my own neck straining against the force of the blow. No!

I stumbled backwards and looked at the angel, still hiding behind his shield. No!

"If you can touch me... I can touch you!" I yelled as I took another swing. I could feel my heart beat quickening, could feel the adrenaline pumping. Fight or flight, live or die. I could feel the anxiety in the pit of my stomach, like a clock wound too tight. My fist bounced off again.

The counter attack came faster than before, and the eva took the hit on the chin, I stumbled backwards and fell into a building, my head was spinning.

No!

I closed my eyes, took a deep breath of the LCL, and held it. One. Two. Three.

Three.

Two.

One.

I let the breath out and opened my eyes. The person who wins the fight isn't the one who throws the strongest punches. The person who wins the fight is the one who refuses to stay down. I looked over to the video link window. Misato was yelling, I could hear the panic in the control room.

So this angel had his reasons for coming here, well, I had reasons too. I'd only just met her, but that didn't matter. There were people counting on me, who they were, how long I'd known them, it didn't matter. I had to win because failure was not an option, because tomorrow counted on it.

Short-term goal, survive the next ten minutes, and then the ten minutes after that. Keep doing that for as long as you can.

New long-term goal: nobody dies if I can help it, no matter what.

I clenched the unit's hand into a fist, the response was faster this time, the sensations through the link more intense. I pulled myself out of the building and brought my fists up. Maybe I wasn't trained in hand to hand combat, and maybe I wasn't stronger than this angel was.

But there was nothing that was going to keep me from fighting till I had nothing left to give, not with this on the line.

Fight or flight, live or die?

Fight. Live. Win. In that order.

I took two steps forward and hit him with a left hook, the AT field flashed into existance and my fist hit it like a truck... and it _cracked. _I couldn't keep the grin off my face, and I didn't want to. I followed up with a quick jab with my right fist and the cracks spread across the surface of the AT field.

My heart rate quickened, I could feel the impacts of my fists against the AT field, could feel the tension in the unit's muscles. I could smell _satisfaction_ in the LCL.

Left, right. Two steps forward, punch him back. I leaned in and pressed the attack. Fight or flight, live or die? Death or glory.

I threw a haymaker into the cracked AT field and finally punched through, shattering the barrier in a burst of light and sparks. Everything I had into that one punch, and I went through, I felt the armor plating on my knuckles slam into my opponents mask, and was rewarded with the feeling of bone cracking under my strike.

I threw another left hook, and followed up with a kick to the red orb in the middle of the angel's chest. I watched in satisfaction as it fell to the ground. I licked my lip and looked over at the video window, Misato was staring in shock, not at me but probably at the display of the battle.

"Misato, I need a weapon!" I yelled, the rush of the fight still pumping through me. I looked at the angel starting to get up.

That would just not do.

_"Rei, left shoulder, grab the knife and use it!"_

I looked up and over even as I felt the weight shifting on my left shoulder, the huge vertical pylon had snapped open and the handle of a knife had slid out. I grabbed it with the right hand and turned back to my enemy. Now I had an advantage.

The Angel was back on its feet, but I didn't care. I rushed forward and rammed the left forearm against that birdlike mask and plunged the knife into its torso before dragging it to the side and then pulling it back out.

I shoved the angel backwards into a building and kept stabbing, over and over again, stabbing, twisting, scooping. I was aware of a screaming as the knife kept plunging into the angel, was it the angel feeling pain? Was it somebody on the video call? It didn't matter.

I felt the knife resist, and looked down, it was wedged against the red orb in the center of the angel's chest. That was the part I had to destroy. I rammed the knife repeatedly into the orb, chipping way at the tip of the blade as I forced it into the otherworldly material-

The angel started to melt. No, it started to morph. I lost my grip on the knife and dropped it as the angel started to wrap itself around me, encase me in its own flesh? What the hell was it doing? I Felt a heat on my face, feedback through my link with Eva, then a flash of light, and then darkness.

xxx

Thick, sticky, and dry. The inside of my mouth felt like I was sucking on a lump of glue. Cotton mouth, worse than just a good night's sleep, this felt like the effect I was used to from muscle relaxers and narcotic pain killers.

Water, I needed water. I opened my eyes and stared straight up into rectangular ceiling tiles. My throat was sore. I shifted and tried to sit up, felt the burn of strained muscles trying to work too soon. My throat was not the only thing that was sore.

Nice.

I relaxed back into the bed and instead looked around the room. Sea-foam curtains on a track around the bed, fake flowers in a pot on a table in the corner, the taste of antiseptic and the scent of alcohol, the beep beep beep of a heart monitor.

Yep, hospital room.

But I was alive, so that meant I won. Or... looking back at those last few seconds, I didn't lose badly enough to die. The angel was dead though, and I was alive, so I was just going to use my own discretion to put that one in the 'win' column.

I rolled my head to the side and choked out a laugh. Damn my throat hurt. My eyes trailed down the metal rail along the side of the bed, looking for—there it was. I reached over and grabbed the little plastic handle and pressed the big red button in the top of it.

I turned to look when I heard the metallic click of the door knob turning. I expected a nurse, maybe a doctor, possibly an orderly. Somebody to give me a glass of water to wash out this nasty cottonmouth. What I got was...

"Misato! If I'd known this button would summon _you _I'd have pressed it sooner," I joked, then coughed as the words irritated my sore, dry throat. I felt that taste of iron on my tongue with the cough. That screaming in the entry plug...oh. Oh.

I saw her fight against it, but her lip curled up and she let out a laugh, "Good to see you haven't lost your sense of humor. If you're feeling up to it, I actually came to get you out of here and take you home."

I pushed myself into a seated position and grit my teeth against the ache in my abdominal muscles. The sheet rolled off of me and I felt the cold hospital air against my skin, it was actually refreshing in the same way as jumping into a cold swimming pool. Gets the neurons firing, wakes you up.

I looked down into my lap, caught the sight of white fabric in the edge of my vision, a bra. I wasn't naked, that was fortunate. I hadn't really thought about that before I sat up. I turned slowly to my left and up into her eyes. She was expecting an answer, right.

"Home?" I asked, "Am I going with you?"

She shrugged, "That's about the size of it. After the fight, the way you fought... well there were concerns that you might run off and do something reckless if you didn't have someone to watch over you."

I raised an eyebrow and laughed, "Well, I didn't expect you to be so... well, honest about the reasons..."

She shook her head, "The reasons don't really matter, I was probably going to ask for the same thing anyway, this just makes it seem like their idea. If I'm going to keep being honest though... I probably would have done the exact same thing."

I nodded and licked my bottom lip, "With everyone counting on me, I knew I couldn't afford to lose... I had to stop it no matter what."

Misato frowned, I almost detected... disappointment? "Rei, I understand that, I really do but... You will have to be more careful in the future. You might be the one in the entry plug, but you've got all of Nerv standing behind you, backing you up. You're not alone, we can help you but you're going to have to listen, follow orders."

I looked down into my lap, my eyes drifted over to my hand. I flexed it into a fist, and relaxed it, worked each finger independently. I could vividly remember the feeling from the unit, the feedback of each motion, the feeling of power.

That kind of power can really go to your head, but I still couldn't bring myself to think what I did was wrong. Still, discretion is the better part of valor. I swung my legs off the left side of the bed and stood up, dropping the bedsheets away from me, snapped my bare heels together, drew my right hand up into a salute, and grinned.

"Yes Ma'am."

I watched the struggle on her face, watched her lip quivering before curling up. She laughed, not quite a knee slapping laugh but it would do. "Rei, you're ridiculous, now get dressed, unless you want to give everyone a free show between here and my car."

I laughed and dropped the salute, a flash of yellow caught the corner of my eye, my sweater-vest was neatly folded on the table by the door, along with my blouse and skirt. It wasn't a t-shirt and shorts, but it would do.

"That's fine Misato, the only one who I want to give a free show to is you..." I singsonged as I walked across the room, tile cold and hard against my bare feet. I was limping, but only a little, felt stiffness in my back. Probably got knocked around pretty hard in the explosion.

"Rei, you know that you can't..." She started, rubbing her temples with her hands.

"I'm just joking, lightening the mood. Can't be mad when you're laughing right?" I asked as I stepped into the skirt. The fabric felt soft as I slid it up my legs, soft and clean. It had been washed and dried, fabric softener too if I was guessing correctly.

"Still, if you make jokes like that, people might think, you know." She said, raising her eyebrows meaningfully at me.

I frowned a little, thinking about that as I slid my arms into the white blouse. That was something I hadn't thought about. Not necessarily what people might think, but if I _was _that way. "I don't know, actually. I might be. I guess I haven't really thought about it."

"Still, Rei, come on, work with me a _little _bit here, okay?" She almost pleaded, I could feel the exasperation in her voice.

I slipped the yellow sweater vest over my head and smoothed it out, and turned to regard myself in the mirror. You know what? Not bad. Not bad at all. I made this outfit work, school uniform or not. I was freakin' cute.

"Fine, fine!" I agreed, "I'll let up on it, it's... well It's just a coping mechanism for me, if I make you uncomfortable I don't feel as nervous and out of place here, that's all."

"Now who's being too honest, eh?" Misato asked with a smirk, "No, you're right it's really not that big of a deal. Come on, I'll take you out for something to eat before we head home, you're probably hungry."

"Starving!" I agreed, "Let's have steak!"

Hey, I just saved the world, why not a steak? Right? Right?

"Maybe."

Right?


	3. Insomnia

Chapter 3

Insomnia

* * *

The full moon cast the ceiling in a dim blue-grey glow and I... I just stared at it. The distant chirping of insects, the damp taste of the humid night air, the soft feeling of the futon against my back. I was tired and yet, sleep would not come to me.

Insomnia was a constant companion of mine, and it seemed that this night would be no different from any of thousands before. Like those thousands of nights before, I crawled back out of bed and, quietly, padded through the dark and silent apartment.

Well, as quietly as I could. The first crunch of a food wrapper under my foot was as loud to my ears as a gunshot, but the steady snoring from Misato's room didn't change in pitch the slightest. That was good. She wouldn't likely approve of what I was going to do, her own lifestyle notwithstanding.

Well, there were really two things, but the other thing... No.

I shook my head and crept into the kitchen, trying my best to avoid bumping into the still unpacked boxes from what she had told me were her own move-in, one that was not that long go. Fish out of water, that's what I felt like.

Giant robots secret military bases and giant monsters? Moving in with my commanding officer and her... lifestyle. And the penguin. I shook my head, I tried not to think about the penguin. The way he'd stared at me. Not in the way that a horse might stare at you expecting food, this... creature stared at me in a way that peered into my soul, as if in that single look I had been weighed, measured, and found wanting.

I didn't like birds, we'd had a macaw when I was little, bit my finger and got his beak stuck in the skin. He wasn't trying to be mean, but I invented new profanity that day as well as a fear and distrust of poultry.

I licked my bottom lip, my mouth was dry and sticky, saliva tacky and stale. Dehydration. Two birds with one stone then. I grabbed onto the corner of the refrigerator door and pulled. The dry sucking sound of the seal breaking pleased me, as did the burst of cold air on bare skin.

_"__The air conditioner broke, they'll have a new one put in by the end of tomorrow though,"_ her words played through my mind. Air conditioner was broken, and I couldn't exactly hang out in front of the open fridge all night.

My fingers trailed across cold, sweaty aluminum and plastic. Six, twelve ounce, cans. That should be enough, even for cheap Japanese beer. My old roommate would have lost her mind to see me drinking the cheap stuff, but she liked to home brew so that wasn't really a shock.

If she could see me now.

I pushed the door shut with my bare foot and turned back to the moon-lit hallway. The six cans rattled gently against one another as I proceeded, not back to my assigned room, but to the bathroom instead, for the time honored tradition of the 'it's too damn hot to sleep' night time bath.

I slid the door shut behind me and set the six pack down on the counter, then hesitated. I turned and regarded the cans and grabbed one, plucking it off the plastic six-pack ring. I pressed the can to the side of my neck. "ahhh..."

That was good. I popped the tab and put the can to my lips, not-quite-savoring the bitter hoppy taste as I pulled down half the can in my first drink. I worked my tongue around in my mouth. New tongue, new taste. It wasn't as bad as I remembered, and for that matter I wouldn't need that much anyway.

I had stripped what remained of my clothes off and was half way to the bath tub, with five-pack in one hand, open can in the other, when the mirror caught my eye. It was the first time I'd seen myself, this new self, naked. I would have been shocked if I weighed more than eighty pounds, and I was a good four inches under five feet tall.

"Eh."

Just something else to add to any future existential breakdown. For now? Alcohol. I set the unopened cans on the edge of the tub and twisted the single knob until the water came out a temperature on the comfortable side of cold, and then twisted the plug in the bottom to let it fill up.

I stepped in and flinched when my foot hit the water. I managed to get the water on the cold side of comfortable, rather than the comfortable side of cold. This would actually probably work out better. I gave a shrug and settled down into the tub, and leaned my head back against the edge as it filled.

I licked my bottom lip again and put the can to my lips. The second half of the can went down faster than the first, the sweet-bitter-hoppy taste of the cheap hooch was already growing on me at just one can into a six pack. Eighty pounds? Six pack would get the job done and I could probably get some sleep.

I pushed the lever attached to the water knob over with my foot and shut off the flow. The cool water had stopped under my chin, fully submerging me in relief from the heat. I plucked another can off the ring and started to sip at it. I could already feel the low level buzz kicking in. Truth be told, I was just along for the ride by this point, but that didn't mean I wanted to quit.

I found myself staring at the ceiling again, a favorite pastime of those who contemplate their existence, no doubt. I saved a city today. I saved the world today. Why couldn't I feel proud of that?

It didn't feel real.

Who was Rei Ikari? Did she exist? Did she die?

Did I kill her?

Who is Rei Ikari? Me? Maybe... I was her now. What did she used to be like? What did.. What did I used to be like?

I noticed the second can was empty, I dropped it over the side of the tub and cracked open the third with my teeth, sipping at it in the same motion.

Maybe I was just crazy. Some psychotic break when faced with certain death. Maybe I was still the woman in the cockpit of that plane, burning to death over a crowd of people, having one final hallucination.

Maybe I was that scared girl who saw a monster in the middle of a deserted city and was almost killed by it. And she broke, and lost her mind.

"I wish I could be a stronger person."

The words crossed my lips without a thought, the taste of sadness and regret thick upon them. The words came from me but they were not my own, like a memory buried deep inside the recesses of my mind. Those were not the words of _me_, they were the words of Rei Ikari.

I tipped the can back, I was half way through it, I was only dimly aware of the taste as I drained it to the three quarter mark.

The words of Rei Ikari. Still in her, in my, brain. Was the rest of it in there too? Her memories? Her soul?

I closed my eyes and chugged the rest of the can, dropped it carelessly on the tile floor and snapped the fourth can out of the pack, pulled the tab back with my front teeth and started chugging. I had to escape the thoughts, the alcohol was making me think down paths I would normally have been afraid to tread.

No, I had to drink until I couldn't feel feelings anymore. I smashed the can in my fist as I finished it off, spraying my face and hair with the last dregs of beer in the can. I dropped it and plucked the fifth off the ring, now in a race to finish the last two cans before I lost the coordination necessary to get the job done.

I heard the door knob rattle as the fifth can met my lips, streams of it dripping around my lips and down my neck as I drank. My eyes turned to the door as it slid open, a disheveled Misato with dark bags under her eyes greeted me. Our eyes met, I kept drinking.

She shook her head but didn't say anything. She shuffled across the tile and sat down on the shower stool. She took the sixth can and opened it, taking a sip. She didn't chug it, not like she had earlier in the day, at dinner. She set the can back down and sighed.

I looked up at her face as I set my own can down. Her mouth opened a few times, like she was getting ready to say something, but then she just closed it again. That agitated frown crept across her lips wider with each attempt.

"You didn't ask first," she said finally, simply.

"You were asleep. There's enough of it, I didn't think you'd miss it,' my drunk brain explained. "I couldn't sleep, thought it might help."

She nodded, her eyes turned away from mine. "You're really putting them away, you're probably going to regret that in the morning."

She was not wrong, but it wouldn't be the first or last regrettable thing I'd done.

I nodded and shrugged, "After today... after all of it..." I could feel a tear forming in the corner of my eye, felt that tightness in my face that always preceded crying.

"After today I just don't know what the f-fuck I'm doing Misato. Why I'm here, why I got into the evangelion, why... any of this. I feel like... I feel like a spring wound up so tight that I don't know if I'm going to snap from the strain or unwind and break something... I just feel..." I trailed off, tears streaming down my face as I tried to find the word.

She finally looked back at me, the agitation was gone from her face, replaced by... a sad smile? Maybe understanding, compassion?

I clenched my eyes shut against the tears and tried to blink them away as my head swam from exessive drink, "I feel so... lost."

I dropped my head back against the edge of the tub for what felt like hours, until I felt myself sinking against the bottom of the tub, my weight returning to me with the sound of gurgling and suction. I cracked my eyes open to see the tub draining around me, felt the soft touch of a clean bath towel being draped over my front.

"I don't really know what to say to make you feel better, Rei, but I can't get mad at you for what you did, not really. I understand feeling like that," she explained as she gestured for me to reach up to her.

I lifted my arms and then she slipped her arms under my armpits and helped lift me out of the tub. She was stronger than she looked, or maybe I just didn't weigh anything. "Misato..."

"Look, we can talk tomorrow, figure something out to make you feel better that doesn't make me an accessory, alright?" She asked with a smile.

I leaned heavily against her as she dried me off and wrapped the towel around me. I hadn't been drunk like this... well, in years. Not since-

She pulled the towel away and maneuvered me to the edge of the counter. I balanced myself against it and closed my eyes. My legs were shaking but I managed to keep from falling down. I felt her pushing my arms through the straps of my bra.

Oh, she was getting me dressed, I'd gotten myself that torn up with four, no, five beers? Oh right, this was the first time I'd ever drank alcohol, that's right... "Sorry fer the trouble Mis'to," I slurred out.

The alcohol had me firmly within its delicious malty grip, all that I had drank, and so quick, meant that I was going to get worse before I was going to get better. I was dimly aware that my panties were on, again. When did that happen?

"Don't worry about it, it's not like I haven't had anybody do this for me before," she said softly.

My eyes felt heavy, I let them slide shut and just nodded to her. I felt like the world was spinning back and forth, and then I started to fall over.

Arms around my back and legs, strong, stronger than I would have thought? She was carrying me, and then she wasn't. I felt a soft sheet being pulled over me, then felt an arm wrapping around me, pulling me into a... hug?

I felt the spinning start to slow, my body finally settled down into the mattress and I let out a sigh as my body finally relaxed into the hug.

Finally, I managed to fall asleep.

XXXXXXX

My eyes opened to the floor. I'd rolled off the bedroll at some point in the night, tangled myself up in the sheets and ended up face down on the floor and it was... cold. Gloriously cold. Actually, the entire room was pretty cold, comfortably cold. The air conditioning must have been fixed.

And it wasn't my room.

The headache hit me along with the realization of what had happened the night before. What Misato had done for me. She'd taken care of me, cleaned me up, gotten me dressed when I'd just made a mess of myself and.

Oh god the hangover. I clenched my eyes shut and wrapped myself up in the sheet and stumbled for the door.

She'd taken care of me though, it reminded me of what my own older sister had done for me many times.

And the hug.

That was... unexpected. It was also nice. A hug.

She cared.

I shook my head and stumbled through the door, and into my own room. I caught the faint smell of cooking meat as I crossed the hallway, I salivated almost immediately. At least my appetite hadn't been affected by the late night binge.

I slid the closet open and plucked out a tank top and a pair of shorts, forgoing the uniform that had thus far been my only attire. At least I had more than one thing, I would hate to look like a cartoon character who never changed her outfit.

I suppressed a snort as I slid the garments on and then followed my nose back out of the room, stumbling a little as the residual clumsiness after a night of heavy drinking had not yet left me. I sniffed the air again, yes, that was definitely cooking meat. I followed my nose to the kitchen.

I was pleasantly surprised by a distinct lack of crunching instant food wrappers under my feet. Actually, the entire floor seemed to have been cleared off, and the boxes unpacked. Well, not all of them, but the boxes that were still packed were pushed off into the corner of the room and stacked neatly.

Did I get drunk and fall into the twilight zone last night?

I blinked hard and shook my head. No, it was all still there. I sniffed the air and turned my head and... "Doctor Akagi?"

The good blonde doctor was standing in the kitchen. Our kitchen. _My_ kitchen. I raised an eyebrow in confusion. It looked like she was cooking, the doctor can cook? Well, she can _cook_ evangelions, what's a breakfast?

"Oh, hi Rei," she answered, looking over her shoulder at me for just a moment before turning back to the pan. It looked... that looked like sausage.

"So, Doctor Akagi... what brings you over here at," I glanced over at the clock, noon? Really? "noon-o-clock?"

And for that matter, why was she dressed like a normal person? I wasn't sure that it was normal for someone like her to be dressed _normal_.

"Misato asked me to come over, she said she wanted to do something nice for you after yesterday," She answered conversationally as I walked up alongside her. Yep, sausage.

"Misato can't cook."

"Which is why she asked me to come over. I swear, a woman of her age not knowing how to cook!"

I couldn't help but laugh. Akagi was a lot more... human than I'd expected her to be, a lot more easy going, even around me.

Around me. Rei.

I shook my head again, banished the thoughts, "So... where is she anyway?"

"She had some... cleaning up to do, I guess you could say, she should be back soon," Akagi answered, I could almost _hear_ the smirk in her voice.

I nodded silently and turned around. I needed a drink, the regular kind. My throat was dry again, and my mouth dry and sticky. I grabbed the fridge door and pulled, felt another blast of that wonderfully chill air.

Huh, cleaning up? The beer was gone. All of it, every last can. Was that because of me? Was she trying to keep me from destroying myself... or did last night hold a mirror up to her?

Oh god, she didn't think I drank _because_ of her did she?

I shook the thought out of my head and grabbed a bottle of water, had the cap twisted off before the fridge door had even swung closed. Cool clean crisp satisfying water. The cold splash on my tongue washed all the sleep and stale beer taste out of my mouth and satisfied that dull hunger-ache in my stomach.

"So, sausage and... eggs?" I ventured, looking at the food laid out on the counter, "that's a bit, eh, western isn't it?"

"Well you were asking for _steak_ yesterday, this is as close as my budget can bring me to that, sorry Rei!"

I turned around, Misato had come in while I wasn't looking, I'd managed to miss the sound of the door opening. I guess Akagi wasn't wrong that she'd be back soon. She was carrying shopping bags. Shopping bags full of _ingredients_. Most curious. Did she know I could cook or was she going to try to learn on her own?

"Light shopping?" I asked with a raised eyebrow.

"I thought we could use some... nice healthy _soft_ drinks and non instant food, that's all. I was actually a little surprised at how much cheaper it was than the instant stuff..." She trailed off, I could see the look of contemplation on her face, it was actually kind of cute.

Bad Rei, do not crush on a woman twice your age. Well, she was actually only two years older than me before the body swap but.

Stop trying to justify it, move along Rei.

I snapped off a mental salute to my inner-self and licked at my bottom lip, "Well you know, I'm a pretty good cook if I do say so myself, and I do say so myself." I smirked and started to casually inspect my fingernails.

I could almost _feel _Misato's sigh of relief, even from across the room. "Oh thank _god_, I thought I was going to have to learn to cook. Rei, you are truly a life saver. So what's for dinner?"

"I'm still here by the way. _Lunch_ is served," Akagi announced as two plates were placed on the table between Misato and myself. "It would have been breakfast but some people like to sleep till noon. Something that I'm sure won't happen in the future, right?"

I could feel the eyes boring into my soul, even before I turned to meet her gaze, "Y-yes Doctor Akagi! I was... It was a long night, I was having trouble sleeping you see and, and, and-"

I saw the hint of a smile creep onto the corner of her mouth. Not so different from Misato after all was she? They were friends though, so that made sense. Maybe. Wasn't it opposites that attract?

"Actually, today wasn't such a bad day to sleep in. I still want you to come in for some tests later. We've got to get you fitted for a plug suit, and the other pilot asked to meet you," the blonde explained, I caught her walking towards the door. Wasn't she going to join us?

"She did? Huh." Misato poked at her food and turned to her friend, "Aren't you going to stay for lunch?"

Huh, other pilot... and she was a girl? She was a she? What was her name? Part of me... wasn't ready to know, not just yet.

"Some of us have work Misato, Unit One was deployed yesterday, an angel was destroyed, there are _petabytes_ of data to look over. Truly, it's an amazing time to be alive," The doctor deadpanned. Still, I could see a hint of mirth on her face. Somehow I didn't think she felt as put-out as she let on.

I heard the door click shut and then finally put the fork in my mouth.

I could feel my _toes_ curling up in pleasure. It was just a simple sausage, sure but after everything, it was a throwback to a time when things were normal. A simple breakfast, even if it was lunch time, between two... friends?

I looked up and across the table at Misato. Friends? Maybe... She had a smile on her face as she ate, not looking at me but... Yeah, I could go with that. Just a breakfast with two friends.

Friends, yeah, I'd like that.

XXXXXXX

I wish I could be a stronger person.

Was that my wish, or was that hers?

I found that I had a lot of time to be alone with my thoughts on the way into headquarters. More elevators, escalators, and moving walkways than anything else. A lot of time spent stationary instead of walking or climbing.

Was this place built for introspection or what?

I sighed and leaned against the handrail on the mobile walkway. So I was going to meet this mysterious 'other pilot', whoever that was. Whoever _she_ was, actually. At least, Misato said she.

She wanted to meet me.

So who the hell was it?

I kicked the side of the handrail in frustration, then yelped as I jammed my big toe. That was intelligent. At least the place was air conditioned. I couldn't imagine how amazing it would be to be stuck in the yellow sweater-vest if it was actually hot down here.

The school uniform. Apparently I was so boring that I only actually had one set of clothes suitable for wearing in public. The skirt, blouse, tie, and vest. The Uniform. The more I tried to reject it, the more I felt like a cartoon character, always wearing the same clothes in every scene.

I pinched the bridge of my nose. Come on Rei calm it the hell down before you have a panic attack or something. It had been years since my last but... new situation, new stresses?

"Pilot Ikari."

I felt like my blood froze solid in that instant. That subzero chill flooded through my entire being, and I rotated. She was there, the one who I didn't even know if she'd exist.

It was not like looking in a mirror, we were about the same height, and a similar build. Sisters, at best. Out faces were different, even beyond the difference in our eyes. Her skin a pale alabaster and the hair... Where I'd at some point dyed mine a cornflower blue, her hair was closer to a... well at first glance it looked white, it was only by comparison to the bandages wrapped around her left eye that I noticed the blue tint.

And that one red eye. Red to my brown, hair almost white to my bottle job. And yet, we could have been sisters. So was this the other pilot or... was she someone else?

"I'm ah, afraid I don't know your name, and you already seem to know who I am!" I nervously giggled as I picked at the back of my head.

She looked at me, judging me, measuring me? That eye... It was spectacularly creepy, not in the color, but more in the fact that her face was completely devoid of expression. What was she-

"Ayanami, Rei." She answered simply.

Rei. Two Reis. Deux Rei. Rei^2. NiRei? Hmm, Nire. Maybe there was a joke about Morio Kita in here, somewhere.

She was still staring.

I blinked, slowly. My eyelids felt like they were dragging through molasses. I stared, and raised an eyebrow. "So, we're both Rei then. It's very nice to meet me."

She tilted her head and for the briefest of moments, I was almost certain that I could detect just the hint of a smile. I let out a sigh of relief. Good enough, I guess.


	4. Just One Yesterday

Chapter 4:

Just One Yesterday

* * *

She was still there, in the corner of my eye. Not passing, not falling behind, keeping perfect pace. The click of shoe on concrete was almost in sync, a sort of harmony that was typically only present in military marching formations.

Precision. That's the word that came to mind with her. Precision and yet...

I frowned a little and turned my head just enough to look at her face, the bandaged eye. The slight flinch with each step. She was hurting but she was trying not to show it, I'd seen it often enough to tell. I'd done it often enough to tell.

The question was, why? She was a kid. I was a kid too, I guess, but even so, why would she need to hide her pain. Was she trying to put on a brave face for me? For somebody else? I licked my bottom lip and concentrated on each step, each click of shoe on concrete.

Or was there another reason? She was terse, quiet. Was there something else to that? Did she know how to express her discomfort? Or... maybe she was just tougher than I would have thought.

Maybe she was tougher than I was.

She also had much worse fashion sense. The sea-foam jumper she was wearing made me feel more like she was going to offer turn-down service than that she was a student.

Maybe. I still liked my uniform better, as much as I liked my uniform anyway. It was kind of growing on me, and, at least I thought, it made me look cute. New universe, new life, new body, same priorities. Sanity, Familiarity, whatever I wanted to call it.

It occurred to me, by the time we crossed the sixth intersection after the moving walkway had ended, that I didn't actually know where I was going. Ayanami was still keeping pace at my side, and her body language hadn't tipped me off at any point that I was going too far, so-

"Ikari, here," she said simply, and I stopped abruptly, turned to see her finger pointing at a door.

I looked up at the door, then down at the palm of my left hand where I'd written down the room number that Misato had given me.

I turned back to my companion and smiled, "I guess I could have just asked you where I was supposed to go, huh?"

"I was sent to make sure you didn't get lost."

"You could have said something about that, you know," I answered back with a raised eyebrow, my lip curled back a little in bemusement.

She tilted her head slightly, I could see... something, in her eye. "You didn't get lost."

Was she messing with me? Was this Ayanami Humor? I shook my head and turned to the door.

There was a contact switch on the side of the door frame, the kind to activate a motorized door, the kind that slide into the wall. Because this was the future. Well... actually it wasn't, was it? To think, all we needed to have star trek doors was to have half the world blown up at the turn of the century.

I pressed the release catch and the door slid open with a 'shink' noise. I heard the soft click of Ayanami's shoes behind me as I stepped into the room. The room itself was... busy. The walls were covered in racks upon racks of vinyl and circuitry, the center of the room was dominated by some kind of glass cylinder, and there was...

"I understand, thank you doctor."

I heard the voice, and I froze, some unbidden reflex triggered by that voice. My eyes turned and I saw him, the commander of Nerv. Rei's father. He looked at me, I heard the click of his shoes as he walked towards me, I felt the knot in my gut. He stopped, I felt his hand on my shoulder, I looked up. He... smiled? A slight curling of the lip, nothing extreme, not some ear to ear grin, and yet... My eyes locked on his sunglasses, my face felt hot.

"Rei, you did well," He said, his tone warm, fatherly. I felt him squeeze my shoulder and then he let go, and walked out of the room.

I turned to follow him as he left, followed his retreating form through the door. My eyes caught Ayanami, she looked... surprised?

I knew the feeling. Did that just happen? Ayanami's eye was still wide. She was looking at me, almost as if confirming that, yes, that _did_ just happen.

I licked my bottom lip and turned back around, shook off that feeling of awkwardness. That was a mental breakdown for another time, for now I had an appointment with a bottle blonde Japanese lady who wanted to fit me for vinyl fetish gear.

Actually, maybe this world wasn't so different after all.

I heard the grind of caster wheels on metal and looked up to see that Akagi had stepped out from behind one of the partitions that had been set up in the room. She smiled and I felt the stress I'd just built up start to melt back away, I took a deep breath and let it out slowly.

"Oh, I guess Ayanami helped you find your way here. I had expected that it would take you a bit longer... No matter, I'm ready for you anyway, right this way, Rei!" She explained to me, her voice sounded almost... giddy. Something with my fa- the commander?

My father? Where did that... nevermind. I approached the doctor and heard the click of shoes and the sound of the door sliding shut behind me, Ayanami must have left. Maybe she had something else to do or maybe... her own answers to find.

Or I was projecting.

"So, how does this work?" I asked, raising my arm to the glass tube and the various assorted machinery that littered the room, "Seems a little complex."

"Well, you'll need to disrobe, and then we'll fill the cylinder, and use that to get precision measurements of your body so ensure that the plugsuit fits properly," she explained, her tone was bored, like she'd explained it before... or like she just didn't care. She was typing on a console built into the side of the machine, not even looking at me, "and then the laser depiliation process starts, and by the time that's done the system should have prototyped out your suit."

Depilation? Wait, I didn't sign up for that.

"By the way, what color would you like?"

Depilation?

XXXXXXX

It was like a sunburn, the kind that keep you awake not from how intense it is, but because no matter how you orient yourself you can't get _quite _comfortable and you know that if you could, for just a few minutes, you could fall asleep and make it through the night.

But it wasn't nighttime, and I didn't have a sunburn. What I had was worse, and far more embarrassing: depilation.

The plugsuits fit skin tight, they suction down against the skin with a hard vacuum, this allows for skin contact sensors, body heat regulation, defibrillator, among other things, but as it is skin tight it requires full skin to suit contact.

Which means depilation. Lasers, ointment, the glass tube of immodesty.

The measurement hadn't been so bad, even if I hadn't been able to keep myself from blushing brightly enough to light up the entire room with my own bio-luminescence. The part that _was_ bad was after that, when the tank drained and the lasers kicked in.

The scent hit first, one most commonly associated with flareups in the kitchen or mistakes made with a zippo and an aerosol can. The unique _funk_ of burning hair and scorched skin. It only took an instant, the process was over before the burn set in, and she hadn't warned me.

I looked down at my hand, worked it open and closed in the vinyl glove. Pale yellow, the same color as my school vest. Maybe I was unoriginal, but I liked the color, it was growing on me. I had my plugsuit, and the ointment. The suit dispensed it against my skin after I put it on, to soothe the burning and to promote quick healing.

It was supposed to soak into the skin quickly and then the burning itch would go away.

I should have mentioned to her that I was a little obsessive compulsive about having gooey things on my bare skin, but I don't think it would have helped. The more I didn't think about it, the more I could just get used to it and deal with it.

I stood up and stretched out, rolled my shoulders and cracked my spine. Felt the pleasant burn in my muscles as I stretched out on my tiptoes with my arms pushed out overhead, rolled my head and cracked my neck. The suit slid over my skin, just a little, but the burning had already started to dull.

Skin tight, vacuum sealed, environmentally contained, plug suit. The thing probably cost more than I made in a year, and probably used technology that didn't even exist in my own timeline, and they gave it to a fourteen year old girl.

Of course they also gave me an eighty meter tall rage fueled engine of destruction, pointed me towards the bad guy, and said 'go get 'er' so maybe they had the money to spare, or maybe this whole thing was worlds more desperate than anyone should be comfortable with.

Maybe it was both.

I suppressed a shudder. Sure I'd had lives in my hands before, even before I was here, but usually no more than a half a dozen people, plus the ones on the ground. I clenched a fist and I felt the vinyl stretch, felt my knuckles pop.

It wasn't really vinyl, it looked like it, but it was more like a wetsuit than a fetish suit, some kind of layered rubber, aramid fiber, and vinyl composite material. Akagi had explained it to me, but I wasn't really listening at the time.

The whole thing was actually rather firm and solid, if not a little heavy, but it didn't hamper my movement of flexibility. I was pretty sure that I could do a back-flip while wearing the thing if I had to. Well, if I could back-flip at all. It wasn't something I could try in a skirt and... well this plugsuit didn't exactly leave much to the imagination, so preservation of modesty was no reason not to try!

Well, if I remembered how to do it. Let's see, one, two... three! I jumped off the ground, threw my weight, around... around... you can do it, almost!

My feet hit the ground and I stumbled a bit, took a step backwards and caught myself. Not bad at all.

"I didn't think that plugsuits were _that_ exciting but then, I've never worn one. Lookin' sharp, Rei."

I turned to the sound, Misato was standing there, smirking at me. I wondered how long she had been standing there before I did that back-flip.

"Well you know, wearing a skin tight suit that leaves little to the imagination is what ever girl wants, didn't you know? It's got me so excited I could dance," I explained with a smirk across my face.

I cracked my neck again and leaned against the wall, "Actually, they're pretty nonrestrictive, a little heavy, but they don't bind up at all. I guess that's the benefit of laser fitting and full body depilation, eh?"

She paled a little bit at the mention of depilation, but I couldn't blame her. Thinking about it made it start to itch again. "It kinda gives you a nice healthy glow though, the lasers," I looked thoughtfully at the ceiling and continued, "that or it's cancer."

"You do not have cancer!" She laughed at me, "You've got a sync test though, I'll show you to the cages and you can get started."

"Sync test?" I asked, twisting my face up a little. "Don't you think I've been through enough!?" I shrilled dramatically with a flourish and a faux faint.

Misato grimaced and grabbed me by the shoulder, "oh come on, you don't even know what a sync test is even like and you're already complaining. You could be a little more mature."

I nodded, "Yes, but then in fifteen years I'd look back on all that time spent acting like an adult as misspent youth. Besides, while you're right that I don't know what a sync test is like..." I trailed off for a moment, licked my bottom lip, and gestured dramatically at the canary yellow plugsuit I now wore, "So far nothing in this place is without its share of consequences."

"Some people pay good money for that kind of thing."

I sighed and walked past her, to the door, listened to the soft thump of the rubberized soles against the hard floor, "They could give me the money instead, I'm sure I could find a use for it. So where are we goin'?"

XXXXXXX

Eventually, I would have to find some way of connecting with other people in a way that didn't rely entirely on snark and sarcasm. Dealing with Misato, Akagi, Ayanami, my fa- The Commander. I had to... connect with them in some way, communicate, build a relationship, that wasn't just sarcastic deflection and jokes.

But that had always been my coping mechanism. For as long as I could remember, it was a way of using my mind as a weapon, I supposed. A way of saying 'ah yes, well, I am smarter than you and here's some word play to prove it!'

And it worked, made me very, very popular when I was feeling outgoing and meeting new groups of people, the social lubrication of alcohol, a few jokes, and a few funny stories and I was the center of attention.

For a while.

I would then fade back into obscurity, I could never maintain that type of relationship, something based on only the one aspect of my personality. The mania, while it made you feel awesome, made you popular, for a time, it didn't last.

Not that I didn't have friends, but for those who stuck around I always had to find something else, be the _rest_ of my personality to keep them around.

I exhaled, tasted the soft hint of blood on my tongue. LCL. The entry plug, the controls sticks in my hands, the clips in my hair and their weight on my head. The weight of _responsibility_. I felt the corner of my mouth curl up into a smile in amusement at the though, and I couldn't stop it.

Another character flaw, I supposed. Sometimes I couldn't help but wear my heart on my sleeve.

Sitting in the saddle, linking minds with the Evangelion, maybe I should be open. Let my heart be open, feel what I would feel, let those involuntary smiles spread. It was bonding right? What will happen will happen, zen, or something like that.

I licked my bottom lip, felt the subtle drag of the fluid I was submerged in, and tried not to swallow, I wasn't quite yet ready to know how the plugsuit dealt with having to _go, _so consuming liquids was right out, for the moment.

It was different, synchronizing without the threat of impending death and destruction over my head. It felt... warmer, nothing quite so cliche as _a mother's embrace_, but... maybe a firm, friendly handshake? Or the presence of a friend, right there with you in the saddle. Like the Evangelion was reaching out and saying 'you are not alone' to my _soul._

It was calming, and I needed the calm after the whirlwind of change I'd been through, the new sights, sounds, places, people. Either Rei Ikari, or... that woman I was before, it was a massive change for either.

And the longer I sat in the saddle, the more I _felt_, tingles on the skin, hitches in the muscle. Tightness-es that weren't quite worked out. Felt like working hard without stretching first, dull aches and pains in the joints.

Actually, maybe closer to what you felt like after you come off a horse the fast way.

That, or whatever the analog for beating a monster to death and having it explode was.

Maybe getting kicked by the horse.

My mouth curled up again at the thought. My eyes drifted over to the open vid-com window, Misato was standing in the frame, not looking, paying attention to something else, but still standing there. Just in case I needed her, or maybe so she could tell me if she needed anything from me. It was comforting just to have her there.

She was the first person I'd started to connect with after arriving, hell, first person I even saw after arriving. I needed to make that connection stick, make it last. I needed to build something real and not just mutual snarking. Yeah.

My thoughts turned to the people I'd left behind. Friends, family, even just the people I passed on the street, people I wouldn't see again, people I hadn't seen in years. The ones I lost when I came and the ones I lost before, graves I couldn't visit anymore.

I felt my right hand clench into a tight fist and felt that ache behind my eyes that let me know the tears would soon flow, it was a familiar feeling, that nostalgia. It had been a long time, maybe too long, since I'd really thought about it, but this new change, new face, new body, all of it just... came together, and once I started down that track it was hard to come back.

If given the chance, if I could have had just one wish, one chance for one more yesterday, I'd have taken it. Asked the questions I wish I'd asked back then, had the conversations I never had, made the trips and the visits I never got to make.

One last flight in a P-51 for an old man who had a bigger impact on who I became, who I wanted to become, than anyone else had.

Just one yesterday.

I closed my eyes and felt the tears dissolve off of my face into the LCL. I couldn't have yesterday back, and it's an unfair fact of life that I was only able to fully appreciate the finality of time once I'd lost so much to it. That I couldn't appreciate the time I had, and wasted it, thinking there'd always be later.

But later happened, it came and went, and now it's even after that. There's no time left to waste, even if I was given new youth. No time to wait for later, the world wouldn't tolerate it. You only live once, and I don't mean in the reckless living sense but...

If I have only this one life to live, to share with the people around me, then I feel... I _know,_ that I have the obligation to fill it till my cup is overflowing. People experiences. This was a second chance right? I didn't ask for it, and maybe I didn't really want this do-over, but that didn't mean I had to let the opportunity go to waste.

I slid my eyes open and turned to the video screen, "So, Misatoooo," I singsonged out.

She blinked and turned towards the camera, "Yes Rei, is something wrong?"

I shook my head, "No, nothing like that. I guess this place is just really good for introspection, I was just wondering if you had a few minutes to talk, this whole thing is... well it's giving me a lot of time to think, if that's okay. I don't really wanna mess up the test."

She turned away from the screen, I could see her lips moving but I couldn't hear anything, I looked out of the front of the entry plug and saw her talking with Akagi, a few dozen yards away in the observation room, but the microphone on her end wasn't picking up on it, must have been directional.

"Hang onto that thought for a few minutes Rei, the test is almost done, we can go somewhere after that, maybe treat you to that dinner, sound good?" She offered with a smile, a genuine wide smile, and maybe a hint of pride? Maybe I was doing good at this whole sync test thing.

I nodded, "Looking forward do it then."

I licked my bottom lip and leaned back in the saddle, and let my eyes drift closed. There was something special about being in the entry plug, riding this saddle. It wasn't a cockpit, it wasn't flying, but it was... special.

Part of me wanted to ask if I could do this more often, but I could only imagine how much even the tests must cost, let alone actually moving the thing around.

No, sync tests would have to do, but I was looking forward to spending more time in the plug, it had a way of making me feel better, even if it did give me too much time to think.

I felt the pitch change and felt my mind shrinking, just a little. They were shutting down the system. I felt the saddle lurch. About time for that talk then.

XXXXXXX

I looked somewhat ridiculous. Just somewhat though. My school uniform, the only real outfit I had, looked as good as it ever did, but the plugsuit clad limbs sticking out of it added a level of absurdity that was just on the pleasant side of comical.

I leaned back in the seat and watched the scenery pass by, smelled the cool humid air that drifted in through the open window, felt more like home than I would have thought a different world, a different time could feel.

"You could have taken it off. You didn't have to leave it on under your clothes," Misato told me from her side of the car.

I shifted in my seat, the rubberized surface of my suit made a squeaking sound against the leather of the seat, turned to face her, "I would but eh... Akagi lasered basically my entire body, I'm not looking forward to putting on anything else after I peel this off. It's like a full body sunburn under this thing. At least it doesn't rub back and forth on my skin."

She raised an eyebrow and visibly shuddered, "So what's the game plan then?"

I shrugged, and curled the corner of my mouth up in a smirk, licked my bottom lip, and closed my eyes a little, "Well, when we get back to the apartment, I could peel it off and you could rub soothing lotion all over my body for me."

She choked, audibly, she even blushed. Success? Success.

"Rei!"

I winced at her harsh tone, "ah... sorry..."

I looked down at my hand, picked at my fingertips with my thumb and licked my bottom lip, okay that might have been crossing a line, I was going to stop doing that wasn't I? Honesty, open honesty and something other than joking and snark and sarcasm, right? Right?

"If, ah, if I'm going to be honest with you..." I started and then trailed off, I looked to her for some kind of reaction, I found none other than a curled lip, she was still sore about that last comment.

"That would be a good thing to be," she finally responded.

I licked my lip, "I don't really know what I'm doing here, socially I mean. I'm just... compensating for how insecure I feel with inappropriate jokes and sarcasm and... well I'm sorry for that. I want to do better I just don't really know how to do that, I never really learned how to do that... so the only friends I've ever really had are the ones who can put up with it."

I took a breath and looked at her, felt my mouth drying out, tried to find something in her eyes that would let me know it was okay, "And well, I... I want to be your friend, and base that on something real, I guess?"

"You haven't gotten rid of me yet, Rei."

I blinked, huh?

She put her left hand over my right, squeezed it. "You're not the only one who feels like you're doing it wrong, god knows my own teenage years could have gone better. You're doing okay Rei, even if you're putting up a front like that. So, yeah, I'll still be your friend, and not just because you're a pilot or because I have to, but because I want to."

I relaxed into the seat, crisis averted?

She continued, "I think even adults are like that sometimes, or heck, maybe even most of the time. We might get older but there's still a lot of that going around. But, well, after last night, I kinda figured out had a lot going on up there, so I can't really fault you, just don't take advantage of me or my good nature, okay?"

I saw the smirk forming on her mouth, ending it on a joke? I can dig that, that works, let me save myself from a little embarrassment... Yep. That curl in her lip, hard to miss, hard not to notice her lips anyway-

I shook my head and looked out the window, the sun was setting, I'd spent all day underground, well, the part of it that I was actually awake for anyway. The part after delicious pan-fried breakfast foods. I had to wonder if the food was a per-emptive apology for burning off all of the hair below my eyelashes on the part of Akagi.

She was Misato's friend, and that kind of thing rubs off, so she probably thought it was hilarious.

I looked at the woman in the seat next to me, maybe she thought it was hilarious too? I studied her face and felt the heat rising in mine. No.

I licked my lip, no, I had to think of something else, examining her face was going to take my mind down predictable paths that I didn't need to find myself going down, not here, not now, and not like this.

My thoughts drifted back to Ayanami, the other Rei. As much as I wanted to know more about her, it didn't seem right to ask Misato, to talk about her behind her back when I could just find an excuse to spend time with her to learn that for myself.

What things did she like, what did she do with her free time... was she actually messing with me earlier? She didn't seem like the emotionless robot that she was, well, supposed to be. She seemed... well, laconic for sure, but there was a humor in some of what she'd said.

"You start school tomorrow, by the way," Misato said suddenly, breaking the silence.

I blinked, I had forgotten about that, I was, what, fourteen? Yeah teenagers went to school, that was a thing. Fuck.

"Oh. Dang."


	5. Head Wounds and Head On Attacks

Chapter 5:

Head Wounds and Head On Attacks

* * *

The air was cool, crisp. I could taste the clean, fresh air on my tongue, feel the touch of humidity, the light freshness of cut grass and perpetual summer. I'd always been one to appreciate nature, even if that meant eating it, I'd always felt content in the woods. The seclusion, the quietness, shade, the smells and feeling in the air.

The gentle breeze was carrying that air, that scent down out of the hills and through the school courtyard, through the leaves in the trees, through my hair, my skirt. I was tempted, for a moment, to spin in place and just take it in. It was just so _normal. _

School had been, for the first hours, uneventful. History, mathematics, literature, standard topics, if only just in the one room. That part was weird, we stayed in the room, the teachers moved.

I'd introduced myself in the front of the class, written my name out on the chalkboard, and taken my seat. My seat next to Ayanami. She hadn't asked me to sit near her in words, but her one un-bandaged eye locked with mine, and then turned to the empty seat next to her. A subtle hint, but one which I took.

And the class was normal, or normal enough. Then the questions started rolling across the laptop terminal on my desk.

'Are you and Ayanami related?'

Well that was a good question.

'Why do you and Ayanami have the same name?'

That too, was a good question, and one that I'd been wondering about myself.

'Why do you look like Ayanami?'

My eyebrow raised, and I looked over at the silver-blue haired albino girl. Definitely a good question.

'Are you from Nerv too?'

Hmm, I stretched out my hands and typed out my reply: 'No, I am from the internet.'

'Are you the pilot?'

The cursor blinked at my, I heard Ayanami sneeze, whether as a reaction to the question or because she had a cold, or allergies, or just a tickle in her nose, I didn't know. My fingers worked across the keyboard: 'Like in flight simulator?'

'Do you pilot the giant robot?'

The corner of my mouth curled up, I couldn't resist. 'No.'

I heard a collective sigh of disappointment from my classmates, and caught Ayanami's eye glancing over at me. I looked back down at the keyboard and felt my smirk grow, and typed, 'It's more like riding than piloting.'

And then, relatively speaking, hell broke loose. Any semblance of composure or order was lost from the room and my desk was surrounded, and I was hammered with questions from all of the students. It was expected, and I should have known better, but I couldn't resist the joke.

Besides, they'd have figured it out soon enough anyway. New girl shows up, looks like the classmate they already suspect of working for Nerv, and right after a huge Nerv robot fights a giant monster? Yeah. Probably didn't need to watch a lot of TV to make those connections.

But, I found my respite in the form of the lunch bell, and that was how I found myself to the courtyard and the fresh air. And the... what was that sound? Sort of a subtle whistling sound, like air blowing across the surface of a wooden-

My head turned towards the sound in time to see a decorative floral pattern, moments before the object struck my head. The dull thunk of the box striking my skull echoed through the courtyard and reverberated through my teeth.

I staggered back from the blow and blinked the tears out of my eyes, turned when the sound of shoes tapping against concrete drew my attention. One of my classmates, a girl with her hair in pigtails, the class rep if I remembered correctly, was running towards me with a purpose and an angry snarl.

I raised my left arm in a defensive gesture while she closed the last few feet, but it didn't even slow her down. She threw a sloppy right hook that connected across my jaw and knocked the sense out of me, my head snapped around from the blow and I toppled over and collapsed to the ground like a sack of wet noodles.

My rotation from the blow to the face turned me as I fell and I landed on my front, with my right cheek flat against the ground. My mouth filled with the thick hot coppery taste of blood, followed by an almost chlorine-like taste and smell as my head connected with the concrete.

That was almost certainly a concussion. Girl had a mean punch for sure, and, when I looked up at her-

When did Ayanami get there? She was holding the girl's arm back, her eye locked on her and her face completely slack. There was something... eerie about it, the way she just held the girl in place. There was no question, no struggle, just indisputable fact.

And when did the crowd get there? A few more girls from class, some of the boys, one with glasses and the one next to him in the jogging suit stood out as obvious outliers from the norm, all gathered around me and the class rep, Hikari I think was her name?

I coughed and spit out the mouthful of blood that had pooled inside of my cheek and rolled onto my side and pushed myself up into a sitting position. There were a few stray strands of blue hair laying on the concrete, along with a small splotch of red, my head swung lazily on my neck and I looked up at the girl who'd clocked me.

She was frozen, her face still that mask of anger and rage, but her eyes were... sad, I could see the tears running down her face, I worked my mouth, looking for something to say.

"So, helluva punch you've got there, eh class rep?"

My voice broke the trance, she looked away, shoved Ayanami away from her, and ran away. Ayanami, for her part, let her go, she had been trying to stop her from attacking me further, and letting the girl run away satisfied that objective, it seemed.

The boy in the jogging suit looked like he wanted to run after her, I saw him tense up like he was going to, and then he stopped, and instead turned to look down at me, his lips parted a few times, like he was going to say something, his eyes darted back and forth, like he was looking for the words.

He closed his mouth and crouched down next to me and put his arm around me and under my arms. I felt the heat rising in my cheeks, and not just from the punch, as he tightened his grip.

"Hey... let me help you up alright?" he said finally. I leaned against him as he lifted. He was strong too, I was back on my feet, a little shaky on balance, but he was holding me up.

Yeah, my face was definitely red, and he was definitely a solid chunk of athletic teenager. Holding me up against him, helping me up, being so... gah, no, Rei, no. Do not go down that line of thought, this is not for your brains.

He let go of me, or, started to. He took his arm out from under my armpits and took a step back as I steadied myself, and then he was gone, run off after the class rep. Oh, that was probably Suzuhara wasn't it? My mind was slow to connect dots, or really pay much attention.

I felt myself wobbling for a moment before another arm grabbed me, this one much smaller but still somehow just as strong, I turned my eyes to see Ayanami holding me up. Where her own restraint of Hikari would have been described as firm and unyielding, the support she was giving me was... gentle.

Her hand squeezed my shoulder, almost imperceptibly, but... was she trying to comfort me? Her one eye glared into the crowed and they parted like the red sea parted for Moses. That kind of reaction from a single look? What did they think of her, and if she was acting like this for me, what would they think of me?

"I'll take you to Akagi," she said as she started to direct me towards the school's twin wrought iron gates which were, oddly enough, starting to open for us already.

I stumbled along with her, my head still swimming from the collision with the concrete, but my feet kept moving, one in front of the other. "Wouldn't the school doctor be closer?" I asked.

"Akagi is better." Simple, direct. It wasn't an endorsement, she was stating a fact. It wasn't up for dispute, Akagi was better.

My head started to clear as we passed through the gate and turned on the sidewalk, but my legs were still shaky and my head still throbbed, the taste of nickles soaked in bleach still permeated my mouth and stuck to my tongue. I worked my jaw and was rewarded with a loud clicking sound. Yeah she hit me hard.

I licked my bottom lip and turned my head slightly towards the girl I was leaning on, "So, some first day huh?" I asked.

She kept walking, her lip moved but she didn't say anything, I guess it wouldn't be that easy. I sighed internally.

"Sorry, I guess I'm not always that great at making small talk."

She nodded slightly, but still said nothing, and as we continued to walk I relied on her support less and less, my head started to hurt more but the world started to fall back into sharp clarity despite that. Each step was stronger than the last, with each step my balance improved.

"It is the same," she said finally, I turned towards her with a raised eyebrow, and she elaborated, "Making small talk, it is the same for me."

I nodded, I wasn't surprised. She had seemed... shy, in a way. Not that she didn't understand socialization, maybe she was putting on a show, but she definitely came off, to me at least, as shy.

"On my first day, Aida asked me on a date," she offered.

So, she was shy, she wasn't good at small talk, but she was willing to try? I'll take it.

"So how did that go?" I asked as the corner of my mouth curled up.

She chewed frowned as if thinking, then I saw her lips curl ever so slightly upwards, "I stared at him without blinking until he returned to his desk."

I started to laugh despite the pain in my head and put my arm around Ayanami and squeezed her shoulder, "That is absolutely amazing. How long did it take for him to go away?"

"Five minutes."

"Hah!"

XXXXXXX

I was filled with a sense of profound loss as I sat on the examination table. In front of me, the yellow sweater vest, the one I'd initially resisted, but that had grown on me like a lucky hat, or a best friend made of cotton, was stained. Stained red with the blood from my head. Ruined.

Akagi snapped her fingers at me and waved her hand, "Rei, attention, pay attention, you in there?"

I blinked and shook my head, the sudden motion made my headache return in full. Mistakes had been made. "Y-yeah sorry I was just, well I ruined my vest."

She looked over at the vest, then back up to me, and cocked an eyebrow, "Well if it's that important to you, well, we can build Evangelions, you know we can probably take that stain out no problem.

I heard a snicker, a soft, subtle noise that I couldn't actually be certain I'd heard, but my eyes snapped over to where Ayanami was leaning against the wall, and she _did_ have her hand covering her mouth.

If I hadn't had that conversation with her on the way in, I almost wouldn't have believed it possible, but there seemed to be a lot more depth to her than I could have guessed.

But then, people are like that, we're all the hero of our own story, and we all have our own story.

"So, how did you start the fight, bad joke?" the doctor asked me.

"Well, they found out I was the pilot of unit one, and then at lunch the class rep hit me with a lunch box and then knocked me the hell out with a right hook," I explained, and shrugged, "I guess she took issue with that."

"You don't say?" She snarked as she taped the bandage over my left eye, where the box had split my eyebrow open. "Not exactly the heroes welcome you were expecting I take it?"

"I was expecting that my classmates, male and female alike would throw themselves at me with romantic intent and shower me with gifts, obviously."

She stared at me, her eyebrow crept up but she remained silent.

"What? Don't give me that look, I am adorable, I have a cuteness that transcends, they should all be throwing themselves at me."

And there was that snickering again, I licked my bottom lip and turned my eyes toward that corner of the room, a smirk forming on my face. So she was enjoying that, we would definitely be getting along.

Akagi didn't seem the least bit surprised by Ayanami's reactions, was this all old familiar territory for her then? It would be _hilarious_ if everybody had it wrong about her. But then, she was human, right? So how much could really be that different between her and me, really?

"Well at least you're not lacking in self esteem."

"The head injury helps my ego. So how is it and when does the morphine start?" I asked hopefully.

"Morphine? Rei come on, you bumped your head, you'll be fine, you'll just have a headache for a while."

"No concussion?"

"No concussion, a bruise, and some scrapes, but no concussion," She said, she patted my shoulder and smiled, "You should probably try to avoid fights though, you'd not exactly built for it, you know?"

"Says the woman who makes giant robots to the girl she has pilot them."

"See? You're already doing better, you're being snarky, a sure sign of health and well-being. Now, as much as I have fun with you Reis, I unfortunately don't have a lot of time free today, so maybe you could have Ayanami show you around? I know you haven't been here long, so it would be good to familiarize yourself."

"Just shoving me out into the cold? Tsk, doctor how could you!?" I wailed in mock-hurt with a pout that slowly turned into a smirk, I slid off the table, sans vest, and turned around to face Akagi again, "So, all joking aside, what's the prognosis doc, you can really save the vest?"

"Yes, I'll have it cleaned for you, I'll either give it to Misato or you can grab it when you come in tomorrow so I can make sure everything is healing alright. Now go!" she said, pointing for the door with raised eyebrows and a slanted smile, "or I'll put you to work!"

The magic words, once spoken, made up my mind for me. Put to work? No thanks, see ya later! I pulled the corner of my mouth back and gave a half-hearted wave as I quickly stepped backwards through the door to her office, "Thanks for the help no need to find me something to do, see you tomorrow, bye now!"

I turned once I left the office and leaned against the wall in the hallway. If that was the way she wanted to play it, so be it. A headache I could deal with, the cut on the inside of my mouth, I could deal with. She'd cleaned up the cut on my head. No pain killers? No problem, not really.

I licked my bottom lip and sighed. Maybe it would have been good to occupy my time with other people and not my own thoughts but... well you couldn't have everything, even if you tried.

"Ikari."

I looked up as the sound of the door closing reached my ears, Ayanami was standing outside of the room looking at me with her one good eye.

"Ayanami."

"I will show you around, as Akagi suggested."

I smiled. You couldn't have everything, but maybe you could have enough.

"I'd like that."

She nodded and started down the corridor, I followed in behind. "So, we're 'the Reis' to her? Never been in a name-based group before. Hmm, I wonder if being named 'Rei' is a requirement to pilot Eva."

The corner of her mouth curled up, I pressed the 'attack', "I mean, there are two pilots, and both are Rei, right?"

"I am the first, you are the third. There is a second pilot," She explained after a moment, her voice soft, as usual, though the more I listened to it the more it felt familiar, something deep in memory that was trying to come to the surface.

"There's a second? Are they named Rei too?" I asked and turned towards her.

She shook her head, "No, the three pilots are: Ayanami Rei, Shikinami Asuka, and Ikari Rei."

Shikinami? That didn't sound right. I shook my head and licked my bottom lip, "So, being named Rei isn't a requirement, but being a girl seems to be."

She frowned and stopped at an intersection, I stopped alongside her and raised an eyebrow, "Lost?"

"Thinking."

I nodded, "about?"

"An open heart."

"What... about it?" I asked as my eyebrow crept higher under my bangs.

"You were speculating on the requirement to pilot Evangelion. It requires an open heart." Her eye seemed unfocused, like she was looking into a memory, or into the past or... at something I couldn't see, lost in thought perhaps?

"An open heart," I echoed. Was it that simple? Was that even simple? I frowned and looked up at the lighting strips in the ceiling. "Maybe."

I paused again, licked my bottom lip and turned to look at her more closely, her bandages, her skin, her hair, her eye... "so how _did_ you get hurt like that?"

Her eye drifted back into focus and she turned down to look at her right hand. She made a fist and turned her hand over, looking at the fingers as she relaxed her hand, "I was not... prepared."

"For what?"

"The fear."

I licked my lip, "You were afraid?"

"No, I wasn't. I am prepared now," she answered, her eye narrowed and she clenched her fist again and turned right at the intersection and proceeded down the adjoining hallway. "This way."

I nodded and shook my head to bring my attention back, and ran to catch up with her, "What's this way?"

"Your plug suit."

"Why?" I asked, head tilted as I looked into her good eye from beside her.

Her left arm raised up, and then the lights dimmed slightly and a loud alarm rang out, echoed through the hallways and made my headache worse. Well, that was a neat trick, how did she know that was going to happen?

"That."

XXXXXXX

The g-forces pressed me down hard into the saddle, the launch felt like it was faster and more violent than the last time, but that could be attributed to my paying more attention the second time around. I felt like the corners of my mouth were going to touch my ears if the launch took any longer.

That'll take the wrinkles out.

I clenched the control sticks hard in my yellow-gloved hands while I reached out mentally to the Evangelion. Open my heart right? Okay, I'm here, let's do this okay?

The launch rack slammed into the stops and the bolts retracted from my shoulders, and I was in motion. Two, three, four steps, and I turned right as a panel on the side of a building accordion folded out of the way. A rifle.

"_Rei, take the rifle and shoot the Angel, it should be simple, alright?"_

My eyes drifted to the video window, Misato was looking at me, Ayanami was standing behind her. She was watching? Okay.

"Roger control, taking the rifle." I responded and reached out for the assault rifle. Or was it auto-cannon? The thing looked like it had a bore big enough to fit a horse through. The weight felt substantial through the Evangelion's feedback system.

There was a flash of movement to my left and a pink elastic-looking tentacle tore through a building. The Angel, I should have been paying attention, I jumped back out of the way as the second attack tore through the space I'd just been occupying and took out the armory lift.

"Not real simple, Misato!" I yelled as I raised the rifle. The Angel was some kind of... well it looked somewhat phallic, a maroon and pink color scheme with insectoid limbs working on the front of its body, and those two energy whips that flagellated in my direction.

**Targeting System Aligning**

The words flashed up on the right side of the entry plug. Great, I couldn't shoot back? or... The rifle had sights mounted to the top, like on an infantry rifle. Good enough, I didn't need a computer to tell me how to shoot, especially not at this range. I brought the rifle up to Eva's shoulder and looked down the sights, lined them up on the Angel while I stepped backwards and hopefully out of range of those whips.

I tapped the trigger and fired a short burst, the sound of the rounds firing echoed through the plug, the recoil pushed into Eva's shoulder, and I felt it. Not bad, not bad at all.

The tracers lit a path between the muzzle and the angel, which then right angled and diverged wildly and off into the distance. The AT field. I had one of those too didn't I? Why wasn't it working?!

The Angel lunged towards me and I threw the rifle over my shoulder and behind me and dropped down into a crouch. If the rifle wouldn't work, we'd do this the old fashioned way.

"_Rei, what are you doing?"_

"I'm going to punch it to death!" I yelled back as it swung the tentacle. I ducked under the swing and jumped forward, hurling a sloppy right hook against the side of the Angel's 'head'. I was rewarded with a wet squelching sound and the blow slipped off the squishy, rubbery surface.

"Aw dang."

The whip curled back around on the follow through and wrapped around my neck and head, I felt the burning immediately, those things were _hot_, not good, not good at all!

"Misato!" I yelled towards the video window as I felt my own air being choked off. You're not choking, it's feedback, breathe!

An explosion rang out as a missile slammed into the side of the Angel, the pressure on my neck subsided for a moment and the next thing I knew I was flying through the air. It threw me. It threw me?

My head slammed back into the saddle's headrest when the Eva hit the ground and I was certain I could see stars. I tried to get my bearings, I was on the side of a mountain, on my back, my hand was on the... severed end of my power cable, I had five minutes.

I shook my head and, wait what was that? I looked to my left, two people were standing there, staring up at me in terror. The girl that punched me, and the boy who helped me up. I shook my head again and started tapping out commands on the right control stick, the more things change, the more they stay the same.

"Misato?"

"_Rei, I see them, protect the civilians, keep the angel away from them!"_

Four and a half minutes. Four and a half minutes to save the world, save those two kids? Alright.

"Roger."

I clicked the switch to external and opened a new audio link, the Angel was starting up the hill towards me, I didn't have much time. "Suzuhara, get her out of here, up the hill, I'll push the Angel back into the city, go!"

He paled, and so did she, was it the sound of my voice coming out of the machine or the impending doom that spooked them so? Maybe both. I licked my lip and leaned forward, the Angel was almost on top of me, I looked to the side and saw them running further up the mountain.

So he liked the girl, 'protect her' was a lot more motivating for him than 'run away', I'd have to remember that.

Open my heart? Maybe... maybe...

The angel was on top of me as I tried to sit up, the weight slammed down on my chest like a truck and my head was knocked back into the seat again and then an agonizing burn filled my guts as the alarms started to go off.

I'd been impaled, unit one had been impaled. The sympathetic feedback made my jaw lock up from the burning. Open my heart? No, not... not just that. That was part of the puzzle but not the entire picture. Bare my soul, but I had a reason, a mission, an objective.

No, I had a _new _objective: protect the civilians, even if they don't understand.

That had always been the case, hadn't it? This wasn't about me and my pain, this wasn't about what I could do for myself or my own survival, and it never had been. Wasn't that why I stayed in that burning cockpit?

It was not enough for me to simply open my heart to the Evangelion, I had to tell it why, I had to give it a reason, to make it understand _why _I wanted to fight, not just _that_ I wanted to, or that I had to fight. I closed my eyes and focused on the pain, that link between us, that wound, that agony. This was a pain I would bear, one I had to bear. I was not fighting to save the world because I was the only one who could do it.

I was doing it because I was a person who could, and because I could, I couldn't let myself not.

"Do you understand?" I whispered to the machine, no, to the Eva's soul.

The pain grew, the tightness I hadn't even noticed, over my whole body, grew. The armor plating. She opened up, she stopped holding back, and I could hold nothing back in return. The timer clicked down to three minutes.

And I came up screaming.

I grabbed the tentacle in my gut with my left hand and pulled the Angel down on top of me with it, swung my right arm out and punched the thing in the side, each blow had behind it the force of my anger.

No, my conviction. This wasn't hatred, though I felt that. This was a representation not of my will to fight, but of the certainty, the fact, that this fight would not end until one of us was dead.

The Angel pulled back from me and I held on, used the momentum to bring myself back to my feet and press the attack, I kept the tentacle trapped with my left hand and kept swinging with the right, breaking through the spongy flesh on the surface of the angel and pressing deeper.

And it howled, an unearthly screech that pierced my soul with the intensity of it. Made my ears ring and my eyes hurt. I could feel it in my teeth, in my bones. I licked my lip, tasted blood in my mouth as the pain in my gut grew.

Two minutes, not enough time, but it had to be.

I let go of the left tentacle and kneed the angel, brought my foot up and kicked it away from me, down the mountain. I took off after it. My eyes scanned the landscape as I ran, it had to be somewhere, somewhere... There.

The rifle I'd discarded was sticking out of the ground, muzzle up a few hundred yards down the hill from me, between me and the angel. That would do just fine.

I sped up my run and snatched the rifle up with my left hand and brought it up to my shoulder as I progressed, four hundred, three hundred, two hundred yards to target. The timer clicked down to a minute ten.

One hundred yards, I pulled the trigger and held it down, not bothering to aim as I walked the tracers up the Angel's body into the core, where I held my fire, round after round until the magazine was dry.

Fifty yards, I threw the empty rifle and drew back my fist as I planted my feet and slid. The core was covered in cracks and pockmarks that were already beginning to seal, but one of the rounds was wedged in place, having started to penetrate before stopping.

I swung and landed my punch directly on the back of that shell, widening the crack. One, two, three, four, I kept punching as I trapped the angel's shoulder with my left hand, even as it impaled me with the tentacles again.

Five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten. I kept swinging as the timer clicked down past twenty. Eleven, Twelve. My final punch drove the shell deep into the Angel's core, and the crack split wide open, a jet of blood sprayed out and then the core went from bright red to dark, the color of stale blood, and the creature went limp, was it going to explode again? I didn't plan on sticking around to find out.

Five seconds left, mission accomplished? I licked my lip, gritted my teeth and reached down between my legs, and pulled hard on the loud handle. Three seconds. I heard the explosive bolts fire behind me. One second. I felt the acceleration of the solid rocket boosters kicking in as the plug tore away from the Evangelion, and the monitors went dark.


	6. Waiting for Ayanami

Chapter 6:

Waiting for Ayanami

* * *

It was unfortunate that the LCL discharge took place before the entry plug had finally landed on the mountainside. Whether this was intentional or a malfunction was a topic for later debate, and a stern bitching-at for Akagi if the former.

As it was, my impact to the ground was coupled with an unceremonious dismount from the control saddle and a collision with the side of the entry plug. The wet popping feeling in my left arm told me everything I needed to know, but my body had decided that sharp and burning pain was an excellent chaser to drive the point home.

My left arm was broken, not badly as far as I could tell, the bones were still aligned, and it might not be a break all the way through.

It still hurt like righteous fury, I hissed through clenched teeth and pushed myself off the side of the tube with my uninjured right arm, turned over to the right, and emptied my stomach in one fluid motion. LCL and blood poured out onto the floor of the tube and I grabbed onto the side of the saddle to haul myself back to my feet.

Sympathetic injuries, wonder what my sync hit during that fiasco? I could see Misato's face right now, 'Rei, we're so proud of you, your sync hit thirty percent and your hurt yourself falling out of the saddle!'

I snorted; the self depreciating section of my brain still clearly worked.

Step two, get the hell out of here. I leaned over the keypad set into the pommel of the control saddle and pressed down on 'clr/reset' and waited, and waited, and slumped against the console.

Beep.

I blinked and looked back up, the plug still had power! Now let's see, what was the command for that again... it shouldn't have been that much different than the MFD on a mudhen, so... menu navigation!

I pressed the stat key and started cycling through the menus, life support, no, targeting, again, no.

External power? No, none of that, for sure.

I frowned as I cycled through the various menus and functions on the MFD. The light was getting dimmer, I didn't have much time before the power failed. I should have read the manual.

'Egress Arm/Safe – Safe' looked promising. I pressed that menu function and toggled it over to arm, then reached over and pressed the 'exec' button on the main panel.

A moment later a dull thunk sounded throughout the plug, and then several pyrotechnic charges lit off at once and hatches on both sides and the top of the plug disappeared in an instant.

And my headache came back with a vengeance, new and improved with ringing ears and burning eyes. The smell of burnt propellent instantly rushed into the interior of the plug, along with much welcome sunlight and the smell of burnt grass.

Well, egress hatch, it would make sense to put them on multiple sides in case the plug landed upside down. I stuck my head out the open hatch on the left side of the plug, then turned my head to the right to look down the mountain.

There it was, big purple, unit one. Maybe two miles down the mountain, still standing there, motionless in front of the dead angel, which hadn't exploded. Broke my arm for nothing, awesome.

At least the ejection system worked. Nothing like ACES II, that's for damn sure. I didn't compress my spine using the plug ejection, but I broke my arm so, trade off.

Not that I wanted to get any shorter.

I crawled out of the plug and dropped onto my feet in the soft, freshly disturbed dirt alongside the side of the capsule. The parachute had landed against the far end of the plug, and the plug itself had torn a clearing through the trees when it hit.

At least I didn't have to drop down from the treetops, right? For that matter, the plug must have been absolutely absurdly heavy to knock down full grown trees, maybe a question for Akagi for another time.

I heard the crunching of a tree branch under a shoe behind me and spun around in place to face the intruder- oh.

"Ikari? So that really was you?"

The boy from before, the one who'd helped me up, and the girl who'd knocked me down was hiding behind him.

"Suzuhara right?" I asked, I'd called him that before but if I was wrong, well... better to get that out of the way now.

"Yeah..." He shook his head, "Are you okay? We saw that thing come flying up the mountain and wanted to make sure that nobody was hurt... are you hurt?"

I nodded and sat down on the edge of the hatch, my eyes tracked the flattened grass and broken branches and found said hatch sticking out of the trunk of a large tree. Good thing it took them that long to get here, might have killed somebody if it hit them.

"Broken arm, bruises, things like that," I answered with a wince as a jet of pain shot up my arm.

"From the fight?" The girl asked. She actually had concern in her voice, did she feel bad about earlier?

"I wouldn't call it a fight, you kicked my butt pretty soundly and I didn't even get a hit in," I joked, then shook my head, "no, not from the fight, from the landing after the ejection."

She nodded and turned away, and the awkward silence set in. We'd exhausted our mutual topics of discussion, I was alive, she knew I was hurt, why, and how much, and that was it. What do you talk about with somebody when you're sitting on the edge of the cockpit of a gigantic war machine after a fight with an absurdly powerful being bent on the destruction of humanity?

"So what was that about anyway? I mean, I'm not friends with everybody I meet but I've never had somebody hit me with a lunch box before," I asked as I crossed my legs and leaned back against the corner of the hatch.

"My sister was hurt in the fight, the last one before this..." the girl explained, and trailed off. She started to pick at the edge of her uniform skirt and fidgeted. Nervous? Guilty?

I frowned, "I can see why you hit me now. Is she gonna be okay?"

"She'll live," the girl continued, "She told me it would have been worse if you hadn't fought, I wasn't really thinking when I hit you, and I'm sorry."

I shrugged, "Don't worry about it, I'd probably have hit me too. Water under the bridge. So how long have the two of you guys been dating anyway?"

She turned bright red, and so did he. "We're not dating!" he answered quickly. Too quickly, denial, or maybe just hopeful that it would turn into that?

I shrugged again, "Hey, not judging, but the two times I've really seen you guys you've been together. Actually, come to think of it, both times I've seen you I've gotten hurt. Maybe I should stay away from you guys..." I joked with a smirk.

"Hey, it's not our fault you're a magnet for injuries!" Suzuhara protested.

"Yeah, you've got a point, but I just killed a gigantic space alien, how cool is that?" I asked with a smug grin and a wave of my good arm down the hill.

"Yeah, you're cool enough, Ikari," he said with a laugh, even the girl started to snicker a little. Tension was bleeding away, good.

"You can call me Rei, Ikari is my father... literally, Commander of Nerv and everything."

"Really? You can call me Touji."

"Hikari."

"Well we're all on a first name basis now! I was going to try that with Ayanami but it would be weird with us both being named Rei."

"What's up with that by the way?" Touji asked me, a thoughtful look on his face, his posture had relaxed almost fully, and he wasn't standing in front of Hikari anymore.

"You know, I want to ask, but I'm afraid of the answer I might get. For all I know she's a clone or my long lost sister or something," I shrugged, "She's alright though, once you get to know her."

"And your dad is the commander of Nerv?" Hikari asked, her voice a little less nervous than before.

"That's what they tell me," I offered with a shrug.

"Isn't that classified or something?" Touji asked as he walked closer and looked into the entry plug.

I shrugged my good shoulder, "Probably, but talking is keeping me from thinking about how much my arm hurts."

"In that case... um... what are you wearing?" Hikari asked, and I saw her cheeks tinge red.

Oh, the plug suit. The plug suit that hugged every single curve and contour of my body and left nothing about my figure to the imagination, that plug suit.

I swallowed hard and felt the heat rising in my own face, two people, classmates, a girl and a _boy_, who were looking at me and were completely aware of what my momma gave me. I shook my head to get the thoughts out of my mind

"Plug suit, has life support and stuff in it that helps me link my brain with the Evangelion, or something like that. The hair clips help too," I explained while pointing my good hand at my head.

The two of them had the good graces to keep their eyes from lingering on me too long after that, which I was thankful for, at least-

"Here, I know it's not clean but ah well, if you want it..." Touji offered, I turned and looked to see him handing me his wind breaker jacket.

I gratefully accepted and pushed my arms through the sleeves, gently as to not overly disturb my broken left forearm too much, and zipped it up with my right hand. Not stylish, and it clashed with my canary yellow plugsuit, but it hid my... assets.

"Thanks, it's actually a little bit cold up here now that the adrenaline has worn off..."

"It's no problem!" he said with a goofy grin. Oh, it was like that? Be still my beating heart.

"You two should come over some time, I could make dinner or, eh I don't know," I offered, "I mean, I've got exactly one friend my own age right now so it would be nice to have a few new friends, you know?"

That actually was true no matter which way I looked at it. If I could call Ayanami a friend, she was the same age as Rei Ikari... and if I thought about Misato, well she was the same age I was the first time around.

"The two of us?" Hikari asked with a hint of hesitation.

"Yeah why not? You're either a couple or you're not, but I can cook a pretty good shrimp pad thai and I'm pretty sure even two entirely single people can enjoy it, your decision, but I mean, you'd get to tell all your friends that the girl who saved the world _twice_ made _you_ dinner," I answered with an ear to ear grin.

"Sounds good to me..." Touji answered carefully, I watched his eyes drift over to Hikari, who noded silently in agreement.

"So it's settled, we'll have to figure out the details and all that." I leaned back against the edge of the hatch and closed my eyes. In the distance, and growing closer, I could hear a 'thukka thukka thukka thukka' noise. Helicopter rotors, the sound was actually... nah, couldn't be that, too old. Nerv was a modern organization after all.

"I think that's probably my ride coming, they'll probably want to bring the two of you along too, make sure you're okay and probably debrief you on not talking about what you saw here, you know, government man in black stuff."

Whatever they said in reply was lost as the rotor-wash from the helicopter over head drowned out everything but the sound of the machine's engine. I looked up and almost did a double take. A Bell UH-1H Iroquois, a Huey. In 2015, being flown by the most powerful organization in the world, Nerv fig leaf logo and everything.

Suspicion confirmed, still, it was a classic.

XXXXXXX

It felt good to be in the air again, broken arm and space magic voodoo be damned, flying was what I needed. Well, flight that wasn't rocket powered, and didn't end with a broken arm.

It was unfortunate that the flight only lasted as long as it did, but that I got to have one at all, take what I can get.

The antiseptic scent of Akagi's medical office, one of many of her offices, one of at least three that I'd seen, was a familiar, if not wholly pleasant smell. Akagi, for her part, looked bemused. I could not blame her.

"You do know that I told you tomorrow, not today, right? So how's the arm feeling?" She asked me with a raised eyebrow, an expression was beginning to suspect was her trade mark.

"Oh you know, broken. Morphine please?" I asked, my eyebrows raised in what I hoped with both a hopeful and cute expression, one designed to elicit my desired response of her giving me morphine, obviously.

"Maybe, _if_ it's broken, you can have some. You know, if I didn't know any better I'd say you ejected so that you could get morphine out of me."

"I'm not a junkie," I said with a pout.

"You don't have to be, I know all about 'the good drugs', I'm a doctor, after all."

"And I'm a pilot, so that means I want stuff and have little ability to wait patiently."

"You're an _Evangelion_ Pilot."

"Sure, let's go with that. So x-ray?" I asked, looking over at what I assumed to be an x-ray machine, it looked as much like one as anything else in the room did but this one had some kind of dish shaped emitter and a board under it that looked about the size and shape of x-ray film.

"You think that's the x-ray machine don't you?" She asked me, I turned back to her and she was looking at the machine I was just looking at.

"It's not is it?" I asked, deflated from my mistake.

"It's not, but you get points for trying, I've actually got a... well if I can find it..." She started to explain before trailing off, she walked away from me and started digging through the drawers under the counter-top on the far side of the room.

"Got a what?" I asked while leaning to the side to try and see around her. All I saw was a pile of equipment I was apparently unqualified to identify. Well, I would just have to get her into an airplane hanger and then the tables would surely turn.

Surely.

"Here it is!" she announced as she held the... thingy, device, watchamacallit, up into the air. It looked like a high tech maxwell house coffee can attached to a graphing calculator. So, apparently she _was_ a mad scientist and not just a doctor.

"And that is...?" I asked, already starting to guard my injured arm with my good one.

"Portable real-time x-ray scanner. I made it for checking for stress fractures in Evangelion parts. It should work just fine for your arm though," she explained in what I was sure was meant to be a comforting tone.

Comforting went out the window when she mentioned that it was designed to be used on _Evangelion parts_. Wasn't there some kind of radiation hazard in using it on a person?

"Isn't there some kind of radiation hazard in using it on a person?" I asked, still guarding my arm from the crazy mad scientist lady with home grown sensory equipment in her evil, mad sciencey hands.

"Maybe, but you won't be exposed for that long," she answered nonchalantly. I could detect the slightest quivering in the corner of her mouth. Oh, so she _was_ screwing with me, holding back a laugh.

I relinquished my arm and winced as she touched it, the swelling had almost doubled my forearm in size and the yellowing of the skin almost matched my plugsuit in hue and saturation, to say nothing of the blacks and purples that were steadily forming. "So?"

She hummed to herself as she passed the machine over my arm in a slow sweeping motion, then visibly winced, and put the scanner down. "Yeah, you've cracked the radius, it's not a complete break though. We'll put a splint on it to keep it from getting worse, but it should heal alright. You'll need to take some anti inflammatories and pain killers-"

"So, morphine?" I asked and leaned closer to her, opening my eyes as wide as I could.

"Ibuprofen."

I sighed and nodded. Still none of the good stuff. Oh well, it was going to be a long war right? Plenty of time to ruin myself in the line of duty.

"So while we're on the topic, you know, of my broken arm? I couldn't help but notice that all the LCL purged from the plug before it hit the ground, that supposed to happen?" I asked with a slight edge of irritation to my voice.

"Oh? That much LCL weighs several tons, if it didn't purge before impact the plug would penetrate excessively and we wouldn't be able to deploy a big enough parachute to slow it down. We'd have to dig you out and it could take a while. I'm sure you can appreciate that, yeah?" she explained while writing down, well, something, on my chart.

"Seems like it would make more sense to put something like an ACES II seat in the plug that ejects the pilot from the plug after separation, eh?" I offered, still _intimately_ aware of how much my arm hurt.

"Hmm, maybe. It would require a complete redesign of the plugs... I'll take it under advisement for the next generation of entry plugs. You're not the first person to be injured during the ejection sequence," She explained, "that's how Ayanami was injured as well."

"If I'd known it was that dangerous, I wouldn't have pulled the loud handle in the first place."

"That's why you weren't told," she declared matter-of-factually.

"Good point," I conceded, "so next generation entry plugs? Do you really think that the fighting will go on that long? I mean, how many Angels could there be?"

She licked her lip and looked around the room, her eyes shifted left and right in their sockets, darting between points in the room for... what exactly? I didn't know.

"Between you, me, and Ayanami... Evangelion technology is Pandora's Box, and we opened it. I wouldn't be so sure that the end of the Angels will be the end of Evangelions as well," she whispered under her breath to me.

"So, planning for the future? Fair enough. I'm not thrilled about that idea either but I'm already in it, so in for a penny, in for a pound," I answered back with a shrug.

She grabbed me, gently, by the left hand and started to wrap a soft pad around my arm. In a few moments she had then applied the metal framework of the brace and then gently snugged up the straps that held it down. The pain grew, but I was starting to get used to it.

It wasn't the first time I'd broken myself, nor the first time I'd been injured during a rough landing.

"You'll want to tighten the straps as the swelling goes down, and check in with me at least every other day until it heals fully," She explained while reaching into the pocket of her labcoat, "You'll also want to take one of these every day till the bottle runs out."

"Ibuprofen?"

"Ibuprofen."

I nodded, "okay, sounds easy enough. This going to interfere with my job of giving alien monsters the finger?"

She nodded, "We're putting more efforts into moving up the timetable for unit zero's re-activation, once that happens Ayanami will be our primary line of defense until you're back to one hundred percent. You'll still be available as a backup, but we don't want to put you under any unnecessary stress while you're healing."

I frowned, "and I was just starting to get to enjoy the violence."

"You're a weird kid, Rei."

"You seem to be okay with it so far," I shot back with a wink and a smile.

"Well, I wouldn't have to be if you'd stop finding your way to my office with a new injury."

"Point. I'll go spend more time with Ayanami and less time getting into fights with teenage girls and three hundred foot monsters," I conceded.

"Well, don't go staying out of _all_ of those fights, we still need you to kill the monsters after all."

"Clearly."

XXXXXXX

I was not looking forward to the next part, the part with Misato. The part with Hikari, and Touji, and Misato. In the interrogation room, which we had one of, for some reason. Right. An interrogation room that I was approaching at a semi-brisk pace, that currently contained Hikari, and Touji, and Misato, the latter of whom was probably saying things to them that one way or another, I was sure to regret in the immediate future.

I licked my bottom lip and stared at the door, door number Seven Bravo Five, which meant nothing to me at all, and yet here I was. I closed my eyes, took a deep breath in through my nose. One. Two. Three.

Three. Two. One. Exhale, out through the mouth. Calming breaths, something a good friend had once taught me. "Come on Rei, this is nothing you can't do," I whispered to myself, and then touched the door control switch.

The door 'woosh'ed into the wall and a soft puff of cold and flowed out of the room. It tasted like... anxiety. That was just me wasn't it? Yeah probably. I took a step in and my eyes scanned the room, my muscles tense and ready to flee at the slightest-

"Rei."

Fuck!

"Misato!" I yelped and my head snapped to the direction of her voice, she was standing at the end of the long table, with Hikari and Touji on the far side, to her right, with me on her left. I blinked, there was food on the table, and they were... chatting?

"Rei, feeling jumpy? I was just having a conversation with two of your classmates, I thought that some food might make the mood a little less stressful, don't you think?" She asked with a sort of mock cheerfulness that made me almost completely certain she was either messing with me right now, or had put Akagi up to getting me freaked out in advance.

Possibly both of those things.

"So, what kind of conversation?" I asked, unable to keep the hopeful tone out of my voice. Hopeful. Hopefully they hadn't said anything too bad, or gotten me into too much trouble

"Oh, just stuff, and things. You know how it goes, right Rei? Talking about stuff? Have a seat!" She insisted, and pulled out a chair on the opposite side of the table from my two classmates. Their own expressions were somewhere in the ballpark of 'stunned silence' which didn't give me much hope.

I licked my bottom lip and slid into the chair, perhaps a little too hesitantly, as Misato pushed the chair back in with a level of force that I was unsure she should have been able to possess.

"So what's uh, up?" I asked with a nervous apprehension, I felt the blood rushing into my ears. Ah, fear my old friend, how have you been? Will you be staying for the evening? Take off your shoes, relax a little, I'll go get the tea kettle and-

"So we were just having a discussion about classified mission details, and how the Evangelion pilots, the two Reis that is, are not supposed to share those details with unauthorized civilians, and how any details that might have been shared with them mustn't be spread anywhere else, sound familiar?" She asked, her voice taking on an edge that made me feel like a wounded gazelle.

"I might... have a certain level of familiarity with that concept-"

"Then what's the fucking problem Rei!?" She yelled suddenly and slammed her hand down on the table, "It's bad enough that you seem to tune me out when you're fighting, I understand that, we can work on that, that's fine, that's just between you and me. But you can't share classified information with civilians!"

"Well they're not exactly going to go sharing it around! Besides, they found me crawling out of an entry plug in the middle of the forest, how the hell else could I explain it?!" I yelled back, suddenly finding spinal integrity that I hadn't really a right to, least of all when my CO was giving me a dressing down that was entirely justified.

"You don't have to explain it! If you tell them classified information they become targets for anyone who knows they have it, and we can't protect them from the outside... And that's how we're going to fix this," She said, her expression softening almost as quickly as it had gone sour.

I blinked, was she bipolar or was this a tactic?

"Touji Suzuhara, Hikari Horaki. On behalf of Nerv, I'm drafting you into the organization. You work for us and you're on our payroll, welcome to the madhouse."

"Wait what?" they both echoed at the same time.

My own mouth formed different words, decidedly less kid friendly words, but I didn't actually voice them, instead I settled on: "Wait, you're hiring them? To do what?"

"To make sure you don't do anything stupid, you've already put them at risk, if they're on the payroll we can keep watch on them and protect them. In turn, they will keep an eye on you and keep you from doing anything stupid like telling more of your classmates classified details, sound good?" She explained, her lips curling up, higher, higher towards her ears...

She just hired fourteen year old babysitters, to watch over me. Crap. I mean, yes I screwed up, but at the same time? Crap.

"Sounds... reasonable," Hikari said first, breaking the ice.

"I think we can do that, yeah," Touji agreed.

I blinked, and looked between the three of them, the mood had shifted entirely... did she plan all of this out?

"Now, since you are employees of Nerv, that means you all qualify for all of the benefits that entails, including pension and..." she paused dramatically and shifted her eyes over to Hikari, "The company health plan."

I fought for a moment, but couldn't keep the grin off my face. So this is what it was about, hiding it as a punishment for me then? The company health plan, well played Misato, well played.

Hikari blinked for a second and then her jaw dropped, her lips forming an 'o' shape, and then she nodded, her expression shifting quickly to a smile, "I understand, I see... thank you..."

In the ensuing awkward silence I heard... a sound, a soft, kind of, chewing? I turned my head and looked down the table, to my left. Ayanami, when did she get there, had she been there? I hadn't really checked when I entered the room.

She was eating a sandwich. Calmly sitting, watching, and chewing. A sandwich. A sandwich like the ones on the table in front of me, cucumber and... butter? Margarine? Some kind of spread. That explained the crunch.

It didn't explain Ayanami people watching but what else was new? The more I thought I knew about that girl, the more I knew I didn't know.

"Could you pass the tray?" Her soft voice broke me out of my stunned silence. She delicately wiped the corners of her mouth with a napkin and pointed in front of me.

Sure, why the hell not? I reached out to the tray with my good hand and slid it down the table to her, watched her pluck another sandwich off the tray and start eating it.

"You may proceed," she said. Proceed, we may proceed. We may proceed in what apparently amount to entertainment for her, that she might people watch some more.

Or maybe she was doing this to screw with us? She had a sense of humor, and I could definitely see that as possibility.

Hell with it. I plucked a sandwich off the plate and took a bite. The buttery salty flavor hit my tongue first, followed by the fresh yeasty taste of the bread, and the cold, wet, crisp of the cucumber. Yep, cucumber sandwiches.

At least she had good taste. Screw it, I'll go with it. I reached over and grabbed the corner of the tray and passed it back to my right and held it up wordlessly to the other three people at the table.

Raised eyebrows and blank stares greeted me, but, after some hesitation Touji, and then Misato, and finally Hikari each grabbed a sandwich from the tray, and I set it down.

The room was still silent, but for the subtle crunching of cucumbers. Bonding, this was a bonding experience wasn't it? Ayanami did something weird, and now we were all doing the exact same thing she'd been doing.

Eating cucumber sandwiches.


	7. You are (not) in this alone

Chapter 7:

You are (not) in this alone

* * *

The sharp acrid sting of burnt powder and spent primers stung my nose, the dry, dehydrating stink poured into my lungs and filled me with anxiety. My heart leapt into my throat and my stomach filled with lead, muscles clenched and coiled, ready to spring into action. Fight or flight, live or die.

My hands shook, my knees felt weak, and I leaned heavily against the steel corridor wall, felt the rifle heavy in my hands. My left thumb fumbled for the magazine release as I panted in the smokey, thick air. The sweat stung my eyes, my hair matted to my forehead, I twisted the magazine out of the action and wiped the hair out of my eyes, the back of my hand came back bloody.

It wasn't my blood.

I grabbed another thirty round magazine out of the leather pouch on my hip and rocked it into the bottom of the Czech assault rifle, heard and felt the click of positive engagement, and flipped the rifle over in my right hand, pulled the bolt back and dropped it with my left.

I licked my bottom lip, and spit, shook my head, and stumbled down the hallway, picking up speed as the adrenaline coursed through my veins. One, two, three, four steps. A stumble, caught myself, and started to run. I couldn't hear over the sound of the alarms, the flashing lights.

My yellow gloved hands clenched tight on the rifle, my boots squeaked on the floor. I couldn't get the smell of blood and smokeless powder and military primers out of my nose. My heart might explode and I might die at any second, if they didn't shoot me first. I had to get to Ayanami. I had to get to the cages.

If I could get to Unit One, I could end this. If I could get to Ayanami, if I could get to-

I heard a click behind me and dropped to the floor in time for a spray of gunfire to pass over me, I didn't stop moving. I turned my fall into a roll and ducked into a side room. Another burst peppered the edge of the doorway.

I rolled the fire selector with my right thumb and shoved the rifle out of the door, pulled the trigger, and held on for a full thirty round burst. I was fueled by fear, not thought, but I couldn't help it. This wasn't how I was supposed to see war, I saw war from a cockpit, or an entry plug, or in a nice air conditioned room while watching it on television.

I had to get to the cages, find an Evangelion, Unit One, find Ayanami, force a launch, fight them off on my own terms, force them to give up... threaten them with the self destruct. I had to... survive the next five minutes.

I snapped the spent magazine out and let it clatter to the floor, grabbed another out of the leather pouch on my hip and snapped it in, then released the bolt. I took a deep breath, tried not to choke on that dehydrating stink, and chanced a peak out of the doorway.

I tried not to throw up at the sight of all the blood. I covered my mouth, turned back into the room I'd been hiding in, and closed my eyes tight. Okay, you can do this, you can do this, you can do this!

I opened my eyes and...

There was a girl standing in front of me. Brown hair, blue eyes, red oval glasses. "Look, we need to get out of here!" The words left my mouth before I could think about it. She was dressed in a pink and white plugsuit. Why?

The corner of her lip pulled up... and up... and up. Her mouth widened, her teeth got longer, her smirk turned to a predatory grin and I felt myself freezing up. Her mouth opened, and she lunged.

XXXXXXX

I sucked in a panicked, greedy lungful of air and came up swinging, a wild right hook that sent me tumbling off my bedroll and tangled me up in the sheets. I came down hard on my left arm, crushed it under my own weight and screamed as the arm brace dug into my broken forearm.

"Ah! Fuck! What the... fucking... fuck just... fucking happened?!" I rambled out in wide-eyed panic. A nightmare, it was a nightmare, but what the hell kind of nightmare was that? Who the hell was that girl?

I clenched my jaw tight against the blossoming pain in my arm and tried to untangle myself from the sheets. Every movement, every twitch shot another electric knife up my arm. Thoughts drifted to that time, so many years ago, when I'd collapsed my lung. It wasn't enough I couldn't breath, every movement instigated a muscle spasm that made me want to discover LD50 of morphine.

At least this wasn't that bad. Maybe a five out of ten.

I grunted and finally pulled my arm out from under me and untangled myself from the, now drenched in sweat, sheet. I reached blindly over to my right and snatched the bottle of pills from the side of the bed and popped the cap off with my thumb, and brought it to my mouth. Two, three... three would work, I was what, eighty pounds soaking wet? Yeah, three would do.

I choked the thick dry pills down without water and leaned back into my pillow. The ceiling was... familiar, and after these few days, comforting. Comforting, calming.

I needed glow in the dark stars. Those were always cool, you turn the light out to go to sleep and then there are those soft green stars all over the ceiling. Yeah. Something my best friend in the whole world decided we needed to have, so we did that.

I choked a little, my throat felt tight, my eyes started to water. Her, I hadn't thought of her in... a few days, right? Not since I got here, what did that say about me?

Was she still alive here? Would she know me, was I alive here? Were we still friends? Had we still become-

I shook my head hard and buried my face in the pillow. I couldn't go to her, and she couldn't come to me. It may have felt like a betrayal to try not to think about her, but I couldn't afford to fall apart, not with everything riding on my shoulders.

No, it was for her too. If she was still alive out there, somewhere in the world, then I owed it to her too, to keep fighting, to keep myself sane, to keep myself together. That's what I'll do. Forget her, so that I can save her.

If you love her, let her go. Not because she'll come back, she won't, she wouldn't even know me, but...

If I let her go, she'll survive.

If I could make it to the end of this, and keep it together, keep the whole world from imploding. Keep the Angels from winning. Keep Third Impact from happening.

I clenched my fist and raised it in the air in front of me. I just stared at it for a few long moments, and then opened my hand and reached up. This hand. I sighed, what was this supposed to even mean? I was restless, confused, frustrated. It was familiar territory.

I rolled over and pushed my hand through my hair and yawned. It wasn't wake up time yet, not by a long shot. I let my eyes slip closed and buried my face into the pillow. It was gonna be a long night.

XXXXXXX

"You alright Rei?"

"Peachy." I replied flatly. My fork was sticking out of a lump of almost eggs, the taste reminded me of buttery sound deadening matting, with a hint of tap water and salt. Nerv breakfast at its finest. I sighed, they probably came out of a carton, pre-whipped and ready to fry.

Could a world-class paramilitary organization afford better? Yep, but then I might learn to enjoy my life and they just couldn't have that. Bitter? Like a lemon, yeah I was bitter. I loved food, it was one of my favorite things in the world, a puberty spent on the wrong side of the overweight line was proof of that.

This? This was in excusable, but not the real reason I was bothered.

"You _sound_ peachy. What's bothering you?" Misato asked as she took a bite of her own breakfast, though she didn't seem to be able to appreciate just how substandard the food was. She probably burned all her taste-buds out with shitty Japanese piss water.

"Didn't get much sleep and this food tastes like feet and wood pulp," I answered as I speared a 'sausage' with the fork and choked it down. Yeah, that couldn't be real pig.

"It tastes alright to me, so your arm bothering you?" she asked as she shoveled another load of food-shaped refuse into her maw.

Okay maybe that was taking the metaphor too far.

"You like Japanese beer, your culinary opinions are invalid. And yeah, I rolled over on it last night, all Akagi gave me for it was a bottle of ibuprofen."

"Sounds like her. You know, you can call her Ritsuko right? She's not that formal."

I shrugged, "feels more right to call her Akagi."

"What about me then?" She asked.

"You're definitely a Misato, I don't think I could ever think of you as anything else, since you and I basically act the same age..." I answered with a smirk.

"Hey, I resemble that remark!" She shot back with mock annoyance.

"Just calling it how I see it, nothing wrong with that right? So when is Ayanami's activation test? You dragged me out of the apartment before I could make a proper palatable breakfast so I assume it's soon, right?" I asked conversationally as I tried not to think about how awful the food I was eating must surely be for me.

"She's probably already getting ready, you'll need to be standing by in unit one before they start, as a precaution." she explained.

"A precaution in case what, it goes crazy and tries to kill everyone?"

"Pretty much."

"Marvelous," I deadpanned, "Well, let's go, this food isn't worth the calories."

"Rei, if you're worried about your weight..." she started.

Oh god, no? God no! What? This lecture, no, this was not a path that I wanted the conversation, or our relationship to go down, did she think I had an eating disorder?

"Misato, I will eat an entire meat-lovers pizza after this if it will make you feel better, I just don't want to eat this awful trash," I explained while gesticulating wildly.

"That sounds like a ploy to get me to buy pizza..."

"Misato, we work for an organization that has a higher budget than entire third world countries, I think they pay you enough for pizza."

She sighed, "Oh fine, we can have pizza."

Success!

Wait, that wasn't even my objective, oh well, take what I can get, and as much of what I can get as I can. Something to look forward to for a job well done.

XXXXXXX

"_Final connections complete, unit one is activated, sync at seventy two."_

"Roger, everything looks good here. Unit one on standby."

I sighed and leaned back in the saddle. The unit zero reactivation test, and I was the guard dog, or gate keeper, something like that. I guess I was there just in case it went nuts and tried to kill somebody, I'd just hang onto it until it stopped moving?

That or fight to the death, I wasn't sure exactly what the RoE was on engaging a berserker Evangelion, but I had little doubt that Misato would remain silent if action was required. If I had to fight Zero, I would, and I would do the best job I could at making sure I didn't kill the pilot or destroy it.

I shook my head, why think about the worst case scenario? It would probably be fine. Ayanami had been doing this longer than me, and she had said she was prepared, what problem could there be?

I I took a deep breath of the LCL and closed my eyes, relaxed against the saddle and let go of the control sticks. Ayanami knew what she was doing, she definitely knew more than I did about the Evangelion, so I would trust her to do it.

"_Pilot Ikari, unit zero activation will commence in one minute. We're releasing the lock bolts, unit one is free. Standby for further orders." _The voice again, I think her name was Ibuki? She sounded young.

"Roger, one is still standing by."

I flexed my right hand against the control stick, and looked over at my braced left forearm. I could grasp the control stick, and even move it, but it... was not pleasant. Unit one's left forearm felt stiff through the link, did the sympathetic reaction go both ways? Apparently.

I watched through the forward displays and tapped the controls set into the right stick to magnify, zoomed in on the entry plug retracting into zero. Showtime.

"_First stage nerve links online, moving to second stage."_

"_Crosstalk on the secondary circuits... it's within range, proceeding to third stage connections, absolute borderline in five."_

I listened intently as the techno-babble bled in through the comm link, whether they had intended to let me listen in to give me an idea of when things would happen, if anything, or they just forgot to shut off the microphone, I didn't know.

My finger instinctively twitched against the trigger in the right stick when zero's head twitched, but that was all it was, a twitch. Part of the activation process? I had never actually watched that part from the outside.

I could feel my own anxiety building, just outside of the edge of my conscious thought, that slight sickness in my stomach as I waited for some kind of final confirmation, something to tell me that it was okay and I could stand down.

"_Unit zero has been activated, sync holding at sixty, all checks cleared. Unit one, you can stand down."_

"Roger, one standing down. I'll stay synced up till Ayanami is done, if that's alright?" I offered as I kept my eyes locked on zero.

"_Sound good, Unit one, we'll keep you online."_

I tapped up a command on the MFD set into the pommel of the saddle and licked my bottom lip. That should be it, there we go. A video window popped up, indicating I'd opened a channel to zero, the side of Ayanami's face was visible.

"Ayanami, how is it?" I asked, leaning forward in the saddle towards the video window.

She blinked and turned towards me, _"I was prepared. It is... acceptable. It is... good." _Her expression was, thoughtful, or, as thoughtful of an expression as I would expect on her face. She seemed relaxed, almost content in the plug.

"Was it everything you hoped for?"

Her expression turned... sad? I saw a slight frown, her eyelids dropped a little, _"I am not sure."_

I nodded but didn't respond right away. I couldn't really fault her for her answer, what would you hope for? Epiphany? I frowned, I guess the small talk thing really wasn't my strong suit all, I'd always suspected but, well how do you relate to Ayanami?

Her face turned from sadness to shock and distress, my hand clenched the control stick and I got ready to lunge, "Ayanami, what's-"

Her head tipped back and she looked... up? _"Ikari, it's coming."_

I licked my bottom lip, was this the same as last time, she knew the Angel was coming then...

The alarms went off and I felt the locks re-engage on unit one's shoulders and arms, felt the sudden acceleration of being pulled backwards toward the catapult. I turned back to the video link with zero.

"Ayanami how do you do that?" I asked, though I already had my suspicions... and my fears.

"_I'll tell you another time... Good luck."_ She _almost_ smiled, was she reassuring me or reassuring herself?

The link closed and was immediately replaced by a video link, this time with Misato's face occupying the screen. _"Rei, there's been an Angel detected, you're being deployed. We don't know much yet, so just play it by ear for now, alright?"_

"That's pretty much how I've done it so far. Is zero deploying? Akagi said I'd be the backup until my arm healed," I asked, and lifted my braced arm up to the display.

"_Unit zero isn't calibrated yet, you'll have to deploy for now. Ritsuko is working on it as we speak, so Ayanami will be up to help you as soon as it's done," _she answered, her voice almost apologetic.

No matter, I've done this before, I can do it again. How hard could it be? I shook my head, and felt the unit lock into the launch catapult, "Roger, one ready to launch."

I clenched unit one's fists and licked my teeth, yeah, let's do this thing. I looked out of the bottom of the plug as the platform locks released, and then grit my teeth as the catapult fired. Zero to... what was it again? About a kilometer, twelve seconds to the surface... so, zero to about two hundred thirty miles an hour in a second and a half?

I shook my head, math was never my strong suit.

Didn't matter, didn't need too much math to figure this next part out. My fingers tapped out a cadence on the control buttons set into the front of the control sticks, brought up sensors, remote telemetry, tactical displays.

Yeah, training pays off, this was going to be easy compared to the last few times.

"_High energy reaction within the target, it's charging up!"_

Wait, that was... there was something about this fight, what was I missing? Something...

I shook my head and looked up as the unit hit the end of the launch rails. Above and in front of me, an absolutely massive blue metallic octahedron. Something about that... I had forgotten, it had been so long, almost... eight years? But in that moment I had perfect clarity, I knew what I was seeing.

"Oh, fuck."

And then the shape shifted, separated out into two halves around a red core, a beam lanced out and impacted the chest of my Evangelion, I immediately felt the burning, could taste the heat and feel it in my eyes, like boiling blood.

I grit my teeth against it and waited for the catapult to unlock so I could get out of the line of fire. I licked my lip and tried not to scream as the burning bored into me. An armor plate slid into place in front of me and I sucked a greedy lungful of LCL, my fingers tapped repeatedly on the control stick, and the locks still weren't retracting?

I pulled against the locks, heard them groaning from the stress but I couldn't get any motion out of them, I couldn't concentrate on the action, too hot, too much pain from the unit, was it shielding me? Was it cutting my sync? Everything felt delayed...

Come on!

The energy beam dropped off for a moment, and then the plate in front of me vaporized, a new pain hit me and I felt my anger reaching a breaking point. "Come on you bastard, is that all you've got?! You're gonna have to try harder, I've burned to death!" I screamed at the giant as the LCL heated up in the plug. I felt my armor melting into the catapult, felt the Eva's muscles giving up.

No, I can't go out like this! I've got to fight, I've got to kill the damn thing! Help me, dammit, come on help me!

I clenched my fist tight, and focused everything on that one arm, the right arm, come on unit one, give me something. I closed my eyes and clenched my jaw and pulled with all my might, just that one arm, felt the metal rending, felt the pain intensify, felt the lock bolts snap as I tore my arm free, reached out for the angel, against pain, against the boiling heat, against the Eva resisting me.

And then the floor fell out from under me, I heard the loud explosion even in my rage-filled state, felt the platform shift, and then the heat dropped off as the unit fell. They'd blown the whole block? If they'd just unlocked the bolts... I could have...

Done nothing.

Hot, too damn hot. I shook my head, tried to clear my head, but it was fogging up, couldn't concentrate, couldn't keep the link open with Eva. Heat soak? Transferred heat from the unit into the LCL, surface temperature must have been extreme if the heat made it this far in... no way to cool it, nowhere to put the heat, had to put it here, couldn't stop it.

I blinked my eyes hard in the LCL, felt the burning, tasted the hot copper, smelled the burnt blood, felt my muscles relaxing, then my head rolled back into the saddle, and I felt nothing.

XXXXXXX

"Mayday, mayday, mayday, Buckeye Twelve, fire in the cockpit, repeat-"

The heat was intense, I could feel the hair burning off my head under the helmet, the microphone boom had melted, the wires shorted, and the transmission ended, the radio dead in my ear. Just a few more miles, just a few more minutes. I could handle this, I could take this heat, I had to.

XXXXXXX

I sucked in a gulp of dry, sterile, air, it tasted like alcohol and bandages, metered oxygen and a hint of of... cinnamon? My eyes slid open sluggishly, the corners of my lids gummed shut with goo. How long was I down?

Tile ceiling, large rectangular boards in a drop ceiling grid. Hospital. My skin felt tingly all over, and I was... naked. Sure, why not. I rolled my head to the side and...

"Ayanami." She was sitting there, reading a book, waiting for me? There was a cart, a food cart? Was that where the scent of cinnamon came from, or was it her?

"Ikari, you're awake. That's good." A statement, not a question, she was smiling, just a little, just at the corners of her mouth. It looked good on her, though in truth I doubt that there was anything that didn't look good on her.

I blinked away my train of thought and smiled at her, "Yeah, I really need to stop getting hurt, that's two out of three now, not a good ratio. Did they send you out to kill it?"

She shook her head, "after unit one was recovered, you were placed in medical recovery, I was put on standby but I was not launched. A mission to attack the Angel from range is scheduled for midnight tonight."

I nodded, "So we're going to shoot it... are you on point then?"

She shook her head again, "Unit zero still isn't properly calibrated, you will deploy in unit one to operate a positron cannon to shoot the Angel, I will provide backup in the event that the Angel returns fire."

I leaned forward in the bed and nodded, "Sounds about right... Well, I've got nothing to worry about if you're watching my back. We'll kick this thing and be back in time for breakfast."

"Breakfast?" she asked, her left eyebrow twitched upwards, I smiled a little wider.

"Yeah, we'll kick this thing's ass, then head over to the apartment and I'll make breakfast! Eggs, sausage, pancakes, stuff like that," I explained.

"I don't like meat," she frowned.

"Okay, that's fine. So, vegetarian or vegan, eggs and milk okay?"

She frowned further, and looked away, as if in thought, "I would be willing to try that."

"Excellent, it is a plan then."

She nodded, and then looked me in the eyes, and then down, and down, "Don't come like that."

I blinked at her, tilted my head, and then followed her eyes down to my... oh. Oh. I blinked and looked back at her, did she just... was that a joke? "Oh, yeah. Definitely will put something on first."

XXXXXXX

"So I'm going to take that big jury-rigged pile of parts, and we're going to channel all of the electrical power in the country through it, and all of this is going to culminate in firing a high intensity beam of positrons through the Angel, which will kill it?" I asked, my face scrunched up in amused disbelief. My skin still tingled. I wanted to go back to sleep, or eat something.

"Pretty much," Misato answered with a shrug.

"Works for me. Ayanami is on defense? How's that going to work?" I asked, gesturing my gloved hand back to the other girl, who was standing behind me and to my right, quietly in her own white plugsuit. White looked good on her, but so did everything.

"We've got a really big shield, it should last for a few seconds even under direct attack from the Angel." Simple terms, she knew my language, she knew what would appeal to me, didn't she?

"Big shield..." I put my finger to my lip as if concentrating, "alright, I'm sold. You know what Misato? I hate geometry, let's kill this big octahedral bastard and go home."

She laughed, "That's the plan. Alright, you two get to the elevator, we're launching in half an hour."

Misato chuckled as she walked away, towards the command truck. So she was laughing, must have meant we had a real shot at this then, eh?

I turned towards the two Evangelions, set up with a makeshift boarding gantry between them, and an elevator leading to the top. "So, Ayanami."

"Ikari."

"How do you feel about this? Think our chances are good? Misato seemed to think so," I asked conversationally as we walked over to the lift. Her steps were synced up with mine again. I had to wonder if that was on purpose or if she wasn't even aware of it.

"We will win. There is no other option. That is... my purpose. My mission," she answered, her eyes pointed forward, her walk stiffening for a moment.

"That's good enough for me I guess. I... well I'm not really so sure, I can put on a brave face and act like it's not a big deal but, I do get scared. I try to shut that out, shut it down with anger, with force, but that fear is always inside me," I explained, not quite sure what made me say it, maybe I just wanted to open up to her, to have her reassure me, tell me it would be okay.

"You said you had burned, that you had burned to death, during the attack on unit one," She started, then let the statement hang in the air, waiting for me to take it some place.

"I did say that, didn't I. It's... I can't really explain it right now, not in a way you'd understand. I'm not really sure that I understand, but..." I trailed off, frowning as we stepped onto the lift.

"But?" she pressed, finally turning to face me, she wasn't angry, if anything she looked concerned, like she wanted to help and just wasn't sure how.

"When I understand it, when I can explain it, I'll tell you about it."

She nodded, and leaned against the railing as the lift started to ascend, "You talk to me more than anyone else ever has. I... I like it, I just don't understand why you've chosen to do so, what it is about me that draws you to me."

Her lips curled into a frown, she blinked her red eyes, and licked her lip, "I understand what jealousy is, and I would understand if you felt that way. That you might feel that Command Ikari replaced you with me, but you still try to be my... friend?"

She looked... so sad. I closed my own eyes, I couldn't look at her like that, I could already feel the tightness in my eyes, that I might cry. I leaned forward, towards her, and put my arms around her, pulled her into a hug.

The pressure on my left arm shot a bolt of lightning up my spine but I ignored it, and squeezed her against me, "I don't know, Rei. When I first saw you, I wasn't quite sure what to think. We both have the same name, we look like sisters... and if my father is that close with you... than I guess we, in a way, _are_ sisters."

She tensed up in my grip, she hadn't expected that. I wasn't sure I expected that. Japanese people weren't big on physical affection, but I was pretty sure that where Ayanami was concerned she could have been Japanese, or Martian, and her reaction would have been the same.

Her initial tenseness melted away, slowly, into a tentative relaxation in the embrace, but I was still afraid to let go, afraid if I saw her face again, I might cry. She'd been holding that in for, well I couldn't say how long. She was confused, afraid that I might resent her for her relationship with the commander? I couldn't exactly tell her how little that mattered to me.

But then, I'd felt... something, when he praised me.

"But don't worry about it, okay? Whatever his reasons, and whatever your reasons, there's nothing for me to hold against you. But hey, let's just kill this Angel and we can talk about all this later, alright?" I asked as I pulled away from the hug.

She blinked at me when I stood in front of her again, and nodded wordlessly. The elevator stopped at the top of the makeshift shaft, and she disembarked without a word. Had a made a mistake?

No, she was just thinking about it, processing. I'd hugged her, out of the blue, just like that, and she had to figure things out. This... may not have been the best time for that. Screw with her sync ratio right? It was based on your mental state, your feelings and stuff.

And I felt like I'd just given her a lot of feelings.

I pressed my hand against the side of unit one's entry plug, and looked over my shoulder, back at Ayanami, who was already climbing into her own plug. Something _was_ drawing me to her. I had to figure out what that was.

The hatch popped open in front of me, and I climbed into the dimly lit plug. I'd have plenty of time to figure that out. After this fight, after the next one. The next few decades if that's what it took, because we were going to win this war.

I might have lost earlier today, but it didn't kill me, and if it doesn't kill me, nothing is going to make me stay down.

For Ayanami, for Misato, hell, for Akagi, for the Commander... and for _her._

I slid into the saddle and started going through the manual boot-up procedure. Most of it was automatic, but I still had to get the initial bootstrap started manually. I started tapping out commands into the pommel keypad, and listened as the LCL pumps kicked in, as the plug started to retract, and the controls started to light up.

Yeah, we were going to have all the time in the world to figure this out, because failure was not an option. We were going to make this world better.


	8. Ride The Lightning

Chapter 8:

Ride the lightning

* * *

Laying on my stomach on the concrete foundation on the side of the mountain with a big rifle pressed up against my shoulder brought back memories, and not necessarily bad ones either. Of course, the Evangelion being involved was a new part, and I'd never used an electric rifle, but, broad strokes, right?

I tapped out a sequence on the right control stick, booting up the targeting system in the sniper-type equipment that they'd strapped to unit one. Long range shots, yeah, this was old hat, my long range rifles didn't have a targeting computer attached to them, of course I could do this.

The targeting console slid down in front of my face and the targeting sensors started to calibrate. Some kind of inverted triangle reticule? No, no. I tapped the cycle buttons on my control stick and started cycling through targeting modes. IR? No. Radar? No. Optical, sure, yeah... laser rangefinder... CCIP, that will do. I tapped confirm on the selection box and my video-screen lit up.

Misato's... confused expression filled the window, _"Rei, what are you doing with the targeting computer?"_

"Just switching to something more familiar," I answered nonchalantly as I tapped more commands into the control stick, I managed to get the computer to superimpose the projected flight path of the shot over the HUD, in addition to the computed impact point.

"_More familiar? Rei, have you been piloting any other giant robots we don't know about?" _Misato asked with an edge of humor in her voice. Defusing the situation? Yeah, keep that levity till go time so I don't panic and lose my mind.

"I play a lot of digital combat simulator, fighter jets and stuff. Constantly computed impact point is more natural for me," I explained as I cycled the fuse into the cannon. The connections started to light up green on the diagnostic window on the left side of the plug, I just had to wait for the rest of the primary electrical connections and then a charge...

"_Well, it is a valid targeting profile, so I guess you can use that if you want. Just ask next time you're going to change something like that alright?" _She ordered. It wasn't harsh, far from it, but her tone made it abundantly clear that compliance was not optional.

"Roger. One is standing by, everything is good on my end, waiting for the final power connections to take the shot."

"_We'll be ready to fire in fifty seconds." _I heard through the link, one of the controllers, not Misato.

Fifty seconds, then I pull this trigger and it's over. My hands were sweating inside of the plugsuit, I felt the pit in my stomach, the taste of bile rising in my throat. Nerves, I'd gotten over this before, why now?

I almost died earlier, I had that heart to heart with Ayanami, I thought about... _her._ No, come on Rei, focus on the task at hand, you hate geometry, we're going to kick this thing's octahedral ass.

I licked my lip and gently gripped the control stick and toggled the magnification up with the hat switch, up, up, up, just a little more... alright, I nudged the stick and drew the circular pipper over the corner of the angel, once the fighting started that _should_ be where the core appears.

"_Final connections complete, circuits charged, cooling systems at maximum capacity. Positron cannon is charged."_

"_Anti-Angel intercept batteries are active, firing."_

I watched as tens of thousands of tracers lanced out towards the Angel, and it spun, shifted, and opened up to fire its ranged attack. I stared in awe as the beam of coherent energy shot out and obliterated the artillery emplacements that were firing at it. So that's what it looked like when it wasn't aimed at you?

"Safety is disengaged, one requesting permission to fire!" I yelled as I re-zeroed the pipper on the center of that red orb in the center of the Angel and toggled the zoom up another few levels. Little nudge to the left, dead center.

"_Rei, fire!"_

"Roger, one is firing." I bit my bottom lip and leaned forward in the saddle, gently grabbed onto the control stick, and clicked the switch.

Millions of kilowatts poured into the firing mechanism, heated up to absurd temperatures, and then the beam of blue light lanced out of the end of the cannon, and night, for a brief and beautiful moment, turned into day. The power of an entire first world nation, at the beck and call of my right index finger.

And I called on it in the way of the gods of old, like Zeus upon Mount Olympus, and used the power of my lightning to strike down my enemy.

The blue streak smashed through the center of my target, and a loud, almost soul rending scream echoed through the entry plug, even after the external pickups had muted. If I'd had any doubts that the thing was alive, I didn't have them now.

I pulled the release catch for the fuse and reset the gun as the Angel started to descend into the ground. Something didn't feel right, the hair on the back of my neck was still standing up, that ache in the pit of my stomach, the taste of bile, something wasn't-

The Angel snapped into a new shape, a star that rotated, and the... core was still there? It wasn't dead! I started tapping into my right control stick, started the recharge on the gun. Come on, come on, come on!

"_It's firing, brace for impact!"_

Oh, come on! I clenched the control stick, the barrel was still cooling, I couldn't shoot, no, no, no! I watched in mute horror as the beam lanced out for me, the same as before, but much more powerful, I'd made it angry.

The mountain in front of me exploded, my body felt like it was on fire, the ground shook, the plug shook, I felt weightless for a moment as I was picked up by the blast and carried backwards, and then the Eva collapsed back-first onto the ground. I heard screaming through the radio link... and then it was over. The ground outside the Eva was scorched, glowing red hot, the trees were gone, half the trucks were gone... the command truck was still there. The power connections were still there, the gun was still charging, according to my displays.

I gritted my teeth against the heat and pain and crawled back over to the cannon, my hands tapping out a reboot request for the targeting systems. Come on, reset, we can still do this!

"Control, this is one. Are you still there? I'm returning to firing position, I need the cannon, please tell me it still works!" I yelled into the radio link as I felt the unit's hand wrap around the trigger mechanism, I leaned into it and put the unit's other hand around the front of the stock and hefted the cannon up to my shoulder.

"_Cannon is operational, ready to fire in thirty seconds, feeding you the corrected targeting data now!" _the operator yelled, he sounded rattled. Hell, I was rattled and I had an Evangelion protecting me, he was sitting in a panel van!

"_High energy reaction inside the target, it's firing again!"_

"Oh come on!" I screamed as I pulled the control stick, I started to slew the pipper around the target, trying to stabilize the gun and line up the shot, few degrees left, up.

The Angel fired, and the world went white again. This was it, we lost. I missed the shot, and killed us all.

I closed my eyes and waited for the hit... that never came. An explosion rocked the plug from in front of me and...

Unit zero was holding up a shield, Ayanami was protecting me with her own body. Twenty seconds to firing charge, come on baby let's do this thing!

I rolled the control stick in my hand, a gentle nudge, and the pipper was right over the target, but Ayanami's shield was deteriorating fast. It was down to just a small shard of its original size after only a few seconds of fire.

Eight seconds, the shield disintegrated and she crossed her forearms, taking the shot directly on her Evangelion. No! No get out of the way! "Ayanami move!"

"_No, I will protect you," _her voice came back through the link, sound only. She sounded strained, in pain, struggling. No!

Three, two, one. I licked my lip and slapped the trigger, and once again the lightning poured forth, hesitating as it intersected the beam from the Angel... and then it _overcame_ it and continued forward across the expanse.

I watched the beam intersect the Angel for the second time, and it immediately snapped back into its original octahedron shape, caught fire, and then dissolved into a wave of blood.

I wasted no time, I tapped out a command on the right control stick and jettisoned the targeting equipment and the cannon, and lunged for the collapsing unit zero. Stupid. Stupid girl! You shouldn't throw yourself away for me, dammit!

I dropped my shoulder and tackled the unit, using my momentum to carry both it and myself down the slope and into the small lake at the base of the mountain. The thermal shock blew steam up around both of us as I dunked her in the water, trying desperately to cool her off before she cooked.

"Come on, come on!" I yelled to nobody as I grabbed for the armor covering zero's entry plug, and I pulled. I felt the burning through the feedback, but I didn't let it stop me, didn't let the Eva try to protect me, I ripped the almost red-hot plate off the unit and dropped it into the lake.

The entry plug slid backwards and immediately purged the LCL, I could see steam rising off of it as it shot through the air. Not good!

"One is requesting immediate medical assistance, Ayanami is... I think she's hurt badly. I'm getting her out. One signing off." I declared as I pulled the plug from the unit and set it down on the edge of the water, trying my best to be as gentle and as fast as possible despite the panic I felt building to the breaking point inside of me.

I tapped out commands on the saddle's pommel MFD and felt the plug lurching backwards. It was taking too long, I couldn't keep waiting. I rolled over to the egress arming screen and executed the command.

In an instant the explosive bolts on the left hand hatch detonated and the hatch blew outwards, dumping the LCL all at once through the hole as I scrambled for the emergency descent ladder. I looked over towards the still steaming plug as my foot hit that first rung.

Left, right, left, right. I climbed down the ladder, the pain in my left arm completely forgotten as I climbed down the ladder as quickly as I trusted myself to move. Forty feet, thirty, twenty, ten. Nearly to the ground I took my feet off the runs and gripped the sides of the ladder and slid, hit the ground in a roll, and came up running.

My feet pounded on the hot, soft mud, my jaw was clenched, I could smell burning flesh and hot blood, charred paint, and burnt wood. Zero's damage? I slid to a stop in front of the plug and reached out for the emergency release latch.

The heat burned me instantly and I recoiled, then grit my teeth and grabbed on again, put everything I had into it as both hands wrenched on the lever. I felt the bone in my left arm pop again, but I kept going, this was more important than pain, more important than a broken arm, I had to get her out!

With a final shove the lock disengaged and the hatch opened outward, and I frantically climbed into the plug, looking to my right, into zero's saddle, at... my friend. "Ayanami!"

She stirred, looked up at me, I saw her eyes open under that silver-blue hair. She was alive. She was alive! "Ayanami!" I yelled again, and lurched forward, and pulled her into a hug. What could I say? What was there to say? She was alive, she was alive after she threw herself in front of that, to save me?

I buried my face in her shoulder and cried, because in that moment I couldn't think of a single thing else to do.

XXXXXXX

Too much heat, couldn't feel my skin anymore, couldn't feel the stick in my hand, couldn't feel the throttles. Could hardly see, already blew the canopy, but it wasn't helping. Couldn't breath, couldn't catch my breath, just heat and smoke and burning and cooked skin.

Water ahead, I pulled the stick, stepped on the rudder pedal, and pushed the throttles forward, I'd made it, I did what I had to do, and... and now I could just... sleep...

XXXXXXX

Alcohol and bandages again, that familiar scent. The hospital, woke up there again, but finally not as a patient. Small favors.

I leaned forward and un-reclined the chair, Ayanami was sleeping in the bed, her head was bandaged, the heart monitor beeped. I hadn't been able to bring myself to leave her side since they pulled her out of the entry plug.

My left arm itched. They'd managed to get me away from her for that long though, long enough to set the bone and wrap my arm in a cast after I'd finished the job and finally broke the bone all the way through.

It had been worth it.

It had taken them fifteen minutes to get there, to get her out after the fight. In the chaos of making sure everyone caught up in the blast was seen to I supposed. When they finally arrived at the ejected entry plug I wouldn't let them even look at my arm until they tended to Ayanami.

I wiped my cheek, tears again. They'd been flowing freely, on and off, since then. Sometimes I just couldn't hold it in, how close I came to losing her, if I'd taken just a few seconds longer to pull the trigger.

I clenched my right fist and fought back the tears, no, that's not what happened, it worked out, we won, we didn't die. We are okay, we're going to be okay. She was willing to die for me, but I'm not willing to let her do it.

Dammit, control lost, the tears started to flow again.

I leaned back in the chair and closed my eyes and took a deep breath, held it. One, two three.

Three...

Two...

One...

Exhale. Calm down Rei, she's safe.

The door slid open and I cracked my eyes open again, heavy footsteps, expensive hard soled shoes, real leather soles even. Black jacket...

Commander Ikari, my fath- _Rei's_ father. Why did I keep slipping on that, and why did I feel a longing in the pit of my stomach every time I saw him? He wasn't wearing his tinted glasses, he looked concerned, and he noticed me.

"Rei, you're here. I heard what you did for Ayanami." He looked at me, his mouth worked a few times, then his expression softened, as if he'd made some internal decision, "thank you, for that."

I nodded and remained silent, he stepped further into the room and pulled a chair over next to mine and sat down next to me, looking at the girl sleeping in the bed. Ayanami. Rei Ayanami. Rei Ikari. Why did we look so similar?

"She will be fine. She's always been strong." He said simply, he seemed... uncomfortable, at a loss for words, what was he going to say to me, after all those years we spent apart?

"She looks up to you," I offered.

"It would be difficult for me to explain everything, Rei. To tell you why I sent you away, and to tell you why Ayanami is here. You are not like what I expected you'd be like when I sent for you," he said levelly, that he bothered to try to explain it at all, maybe he thought I was mature enough for the conversation?

"I've got a few theories about her, things I'm sure you're either aware of or..." I trailed off, letting the implication hang in the air. I shook my head, "The reasons don't matter, I can't, I wont hold the past against you, or her. Life is too short to waste on a grudge. If you want, we can just start here, now, in this room, and move forward from there."

"You are most definitely not the girl I expected you to be," he said, I almost detected... mirth? I could almost detect the hint of a smile, "You're more like your mother than you are me. I agree then, let's start here."

I nodded, and turned back to Ayanami, smile creeping onto my own face as I watched her, "She's related to me isn't she, she looks so much like me."

"She's related to your mother; Ayanami was your mother's maiden name. She's been here training to be a pilot, it's... all she's ever known. I haven't really known how to be a friend to her, not the way she needs," he admitted, his eyes not turning to meet mine, but instead staring off into the distance.

"She's different, but she's not a bad person. Whatever you did, whoever you've been to her, I think... I think she's okay," I offered. I wanted to put my hand on his shoulder, comfort him in some way, why did I have this soft spot for the man? He wasn't my...

Why couldn't I finish that thought?

I blinked and noticed my right hand sitting on his shoulder, I leaned forward, he finally turned to face me and for a second, his eyes widened like he'd seen a ghost, but in a moment the look was gone and he regained his composure.

"I am proud of who you've become. I would ask you to continue to be Ayanami's friend, but I suspect that you'd do that anyway even if I didn't ask," he explained, and I saw that smile creeping onto his face again. Why did it make me feel so warm?

"You know. I am a pretty good cook. I would like to, you know, if you're okay with that... I could cook a meal, and we could all eat together, you, and me, and Ayanami. I think she'd like that," I offered, and licked my bottom lip, then turned back to watch her sleep again.

I sat up in the chair and then stood up and shuffled towards the door, not waiting for his answer. I was going to give him some time with Ayanami, alone. They deserved that right?

I was half way to the door when he turned and looked up at me, "Rei."

I stopped and turned my head, "Yes?"

"We should do that."

"Yes... Father."

XXXXXXX

Hot leather and gasoline, rubber and asphalt, the crisp evening air, and Misato. The scenery passed by the open window and I stared at it, thinking of all the possibility that it represented. An entire world was out there, full of people, full of stories, and because of us, it got to go on for another day.

"We're going on a trip soon, just the two of us, would you like that? Trip out into the middle of the ocean, on a boat?" Misato asked me conversationally from the driver's seat.

"A boat trip huh? What's the occasion?" I turned to look at her, my left eyebrow inching ever higher under my powder blue bangs.

She shrugged and turned back to the road, "With your arm being broken and unit zero being damaged, we're a little short handed here, so the IPEA has agreed to transfer provisional unit five and its pilot to us from Bethany base, at least until we're back up to fighting strength."

I nodded, unit five? Hadn't heard of that, nor 'IPEA' or this other pilot, but things were already different, maybe I just forgot that part? "Where do we come in on that then?"

"The UN wants Nerv to send a representative to meet up with the pacific fleet en-route to Japan to deliver the mobile power system for unit five to one of the aircraft carriers, and then to accompany the fleet to Yokosuka," She explained further, her voice slowly taking on an edge of boredom.

"So Nerv is sending us."

"Pretty much. You're not much good with a broken arm, so Ayanami can pilot unit one while we're away, and this gives you a chance to meet and greet the new pilot... and it gets us both out of the city for a while."

"If I'd known a broken arm was all it would take to get out of the city for a few days I'd have jumped in front of a fork lift two weeks ago," I said with a laugh. So, vacation on an aircraft carrier? Alright that's not too bad. Stuck in the middle of the ocean with navy types, but not bad.

"So when are we leaving?"

"Six hours."

"Oh okay, so real soon. When are we going to be back anyway?"

"Shouldn't be more than a week at the most, why?" She asked as the car slowed, we were nearing the apartment, I was hungry, this was good.

"I invited my father to dinner, I offered to cook for him and Ayanami, that we could sit down and eat together. He said yes," I explained, watching her out of the corner of my eye.

"Oh okay... Wait, you did what? And he said what!?"


	9. Cute Little Fleet - Viper Zero

Chapter 9:

Cute Little Fleet/Viper Zero

* * *

The ice cold air bit into my skin like a pit viper, the gust blew across the deck of the carrier and threatened to knock me over. I pulled my jacket tighter around my neck and turned towards my companion, and shook my head, "Misato, if you'd told me that Bethany was in the _arctic circle_ I'd have told you no. I don't _do_ cold."

"Rei, I hate to break this to you, but you _do_ what I tell you, and right now I'll take the bitter cold over Japan's perpetual summer. Suck it up kid," She shot back as she lead me towards the carrier's island, the island with a big '63' painted on the side of it.

I shook my head, second impact changed a lot in this world, compared to the one I'd come from. And in this world, the _U.S.S. Kitty Hawk_ still served on active duty. A testament to American engineering and resolve... and an indictment on their financial state.

Then again, maybe not being cozy'd on up to a nuclear reactor wasn't such a bad thing after all, and there were plenty of other carriers in the fleet. I'd counted four American, three Russian, and two I couldn't identify, British maybe?

Wait, three Russian? I thought they only had one...

I shook my head, the hatch in front of us opened, I felt the heat radiating out. So they had warmed this thing up, I was afraid I'd have to freeze to death while I was here. On the plus side, the cold numbed my arm enough that I couldn't be bothered by the ache and the itch.

"So where's the pilot? Where's the Eva?" I asked her as we progressed through the narrow, cramped corridors. I caught a few strange glances and hushed whispers from the crewmen, did they know who I was? Not that there would have been a lot of blue haired Japanese girls wearing school uniforms on an American carrier, and Misato was wearing her Nerv uniform...

How much of a secret was my identity anyway?

"Not here, the Eva is on the freighter we flew over on the way in, the pilot... well that's what we're going to find out right now," she explained as she turned and started to climb steep staircase. Had she been on this ship before? She seemed to know her way around. Better than that first day at headquarters anyway, this seemed _natural._

I followed her up the unnaturally steep stairs, hobbled by my left arm, but then I made a few lunging hops and braced with my right arm, and made it most of the way up before I slipped and started over backwards. I flailed my arms forward, trying to regain my balance, but the handrails slipped further and further way as I tilted backwards...

...and into a pair of strong, firm arms. "Easy there, you're alright, I've got you."

I felt the heat rising into my cheeks as he helped me back to the steps and then finally up to the next level, where Misato where giggling like a child.

"Rei, not even on the boat ten minutes, and already throwing yourself at the handsome sailors?" she teased. I glared at her as her smirk grew wider.

I heard the sound of hard soled shoes on the metal decking behind me when the man who'd caught me finally made it up to this level, and I turned to look at him, nice, well tailored uniform, and that rank insignia... oh.

"Captain, actually. Glad as I am that you're not hurt, what is a teenager doing on my ship? I was told there would be a party from First Branch to take over for the Evangelion on behalf of Nerv... That would be the two of you then, yes?" the man asked.

"Rei Ikari," I introduced myself with a bow, still feeling that blush on my face, but for his part the captain seemed to be gracious about it, and didn't bring it up.

"Colonel Misato Katsuragi, head of tactical operations, First Branch," Misato introduced with a salute. I should have done that, had forgotten about it.

"Captain Phillip Clark, _U.S.S. Kitty Hawk_. Welcome aboard my ship," he introduced with a warm smile. I liked this guy already, not stuffy like I might have feared. He hesitated for a moment and then turned back to Misato.

"So, if you're the head of tactical operations, and you've got a young girl here with what looks like a broken arm... I suspect the rumors are true then," he said with a slight frown and an edge to his voice, then turned to look at me. "So, which one of those things are you the pilot of?"

"The purple one," I answered with a frown, "how did you figure it out?"

"Lucky guess, still, I trust that the circumstances surrounding the last time I met the colonel have ensured that she sought every other option before putting a child in the cockpit?" he asked as he glanced back towards Misato.

Misato looked like she'd been slapped, her jaw dropped, "Captain, we've never met before, and I would have you know that Rei's safety is and always has been my top priority!"

The man held up his hands and shook his head, "I meant no disrespect, but we have met before, fifteen years ago. September eighteenth, the year two thousand. I was only a first lieutenant then, but I remember that day well. My statement, well, I do truly believe that you would have exhausted every other option, after what happened back then."

Misato looked ready to slap him and I intervened, stood between them and shook my head, "It's not like that. I fight because I can, not because she makes me. If she could have done it, she'd fight instead, but that's not the way it works, Eva won't move for her."

I took a deep breathe, and looked back at Misato, and then back to the captain, "It's not like this was the first plan, but we're all just working with what we've got. This ship has been in service since sixty one, do you think she'd still be sailing if the situation wasn't as desperate as it is?"

The man stood there for a moment, then nodded slowly and turned towards the open hatch in the end of the compartment, "I understand then. You have my apologies for the implication, Colonel, Rei. The IPEA pilot you're likely looking for is on the _Kuznetsov, _the Evangelion is on the cargo ship _Tbilisi."_

He started to walk away and hesitated, "Later, if you're amicable, I'd like to invite you back aboard, for dinner. An apology if you will. It's not every day I get to meet people who have saved the world, I'd like to show my appreciation for that."

XXXXXXX

"You know I'm starting to wonder if this entire war against the Angels is sponsored by Bell Helicopter!" I yelled to Misato over the whine of the single gas turbine engine perched above us, over the 'thuck, thuck, thuck' of the two bladed rotor. They could have at least closed the doors on this thing.

"You're a weird kid Rei!" She yelled back with a grin, "Besides, the UH-1 is inexpensive, reliable, and utterly immune to EMP, what more could you ask for?"

I gestured behind me to the open side door that arctic air was currently pouring in through, "A closed door and a space heater!"

"We're not going to be in the air that long, look, the _Kuznetsov_ is right there, we'll be down in a few minutes!" I could see her shivering though, her cheeks red, her teeth chattering. At least I wasn't alone in that.

I never really minded the cold, actually, I rather liked it, before. Winters were always a welcome break from the intense summer heat of the American south, but the time I'd spent here, in this perpetual summer? Well, I hadn't been here that long, but still, my body wasn't used to the cold.

But then, it wasn't really the same body was it?

I shook my head, shivered against the rush of cold air, and felt my ears pop. I looked out the door, the water was getting closer, we were descending.

The red water, the real dead sea. The color of blood, no smell, no sense of life. The world with no marine life, how did we keep going on? If they could kill our _oceans_, even if we won, how long could we last?

Were we even meant to last?

No, I knew better than that. Before the fire, we were thriving, there was no global calamity, no second impact. We had our problems, but we were going to make it, not snuffed out by some alien menace.

No, we were meant to survive, we were meant to overcome this, like we'd overcome everything that had come before. We were the apex species on this planet, and I wasn't about to let anything change that _fact_.

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath of the frigid arctic air. It was bracing, felt it deep within my core, and shook off the chill. The deck of the Russian carrier was almost close enough to reach out and touch.

Oh, nifty! There were fighters on the deck, a dark blue camouflage... those weren't flankers. I scratched the back of my head as the helicopter's skids touched the deck, and I shifted towards the open door. No, those weren'tflankers, those were Mitsubishi F-2Bs, three drops tanks each, with two rocket pods, two bombs, and two air to air missiles each. What the hell were they planning on fighting out here?

Russian, American, and Japanese ships, who was really going to pick a fight with a fleet that had nine aircraft carriers in it? Maybe a country run by lunatics, or maybe an Angel, and fighter jet was little more than a distraction for the latter.

"Rei, come on. Let's go talk to the Russians."

Oh, yes, let's. That's absolutely the thing to do, isn't it?

XXXXXXX

I leaned back in the, rather quite comfortable, chair, and let out a sigh. They hadn't found her yet, couldn't find her, she wasn't checking in, or whatever other excuse they needed to think of. Unit five's pilot was nowhere to be found on the _Kuznetsov. _

However, the guest accommodations were... nice. Not as spartan as one would assume when they first hear the phrase 'Russian guest quarters', although these were not exactly overnight accommodations, more of a small meet and greet lounge with food and drink.

Unfortunately, I'd only managed to sample a very small amount of authentic Russian vodka before Misato noticed and gave me a withering glare and I put back the rest, instead opting for the bread and cheese, some salami and some marinated herring. I always did have a soft spot for fish, where they'd gotten any on a planet covered in dead oceans, I didn't know.

But I was okay with it. Still, I had to wonder if maybe word had spread about who I was and my role at Nerv, it would explain the veritable feast. Captain's personal stash?

"Say, Misato," I asked with a mouthful of delicious Russian fish, "You think the Russians know who I am? We only told Captain Clark, and only because he figured it out." I turned to look at the other woman, part of the fish still hanging out of my mouth. Manners? Food is on the line, manners take a back seat.

"Well, as the captain of a ship, he wouldn't betray our trust and tell anyone. That said, I'm sure that half the fleet knew about you being an Eva pilot before we even made it to the helicopter," She answered with a laugh, "Rumors on a ship have legs, and radio operators like to gossip."

I nodded and put on my best fake Russian accent, "Little blue hair girl is Eva pilot, is save world, give her the good fish."

"I will admit, the conversation was very similar to that, but your accent needs work." I turned my head towards the voice, and then upwards to meet that voices face. Large Russian man, very large Russian man.

He grinned at my blush and extended, "Captain-Lieutenant Alexander Siyanin Denisovich, I am pleased to meet the girl who has killed three Angels so far, and thank you both for waiting so patiently. It is unfortunate, but we have not been able to locate the IPEA pilot, she has, as far as we can tell, left the ship some time before you arrived, but beyond that we can not be more specific." He hesitated for a moment, looked over to Misato, and then back to me, and then over to the table of food and drink.

"You lost her? Wasn't it the Russian Navy's job to keep a handle on her during the transfer?" Misato accused as she rose from her chair. Five and a half feet of Japanese fury, you go girl!

I suppressed a snicker at the thought and watched the Russian out of the corner of my eye as I continued to scarf the fish, I had a bad feeling that the end of this conversation was going to be the end of my meal as well.

"Well, the girl is... difficult, spirited. I suspect that the only reason we were able to keep track of her as we had is because she allowed it. You must understand, while we are happy to participate in this transfer, in fact, we volunteered because of what Evangelion means to the world... we are not experienced in keeping _guests_ confined to the ship when they do not want to be."

"So you're saying that if you wanted to keep her confined, you'd have had to throw her in the brig, and since she's an important _guest_ aboard this ship, you didn't want to have to resort to that kind of thing?" I asked as I gnawed on a hunk of fresh bread. Where did they find fresh bread on a cruiser? Was there some kind of super special secret kitchen staffed with skilled Russian chef's I didn't know about?

"This is not an inaccurate statement," the man admitted, "However, the only craft to leave the ship recently are the helicopter you arrived on, and one other before that, which was headed over to the _Tb__i__lisi_, you may want to begin your search there."

"Well, I'm not in a hurry, I could just sit here and eat fish for a while. I haven't had a good fish in forever, you know? And this is some pretty good stuff, maybe I could meet the cook and ask for a few tips, eh?" I asked, making eyes at the Russian.

"Rei, we really should be trying to find the IPEA pilot before we settle in, don't you think?" Misato interjected with an edge in her voice that bordered just on the edge of 'homicide.' Okay, yeah let's do what Misato says instead, yeah? Yeah.

"I will call for helicopter, excuse me," Denisovich offered as he ducked out of the room and closed the hatch behind him.

I turned to Misato, "Well, I guess I get to eat a little bit more eh? I told you I didn't have an eating disorder!" I patted my stomach with a grin and snatched another bread roll and slice of cheese off the table.

And then felt myself being dragged to the deck as a loud explosion rocked the entire ship, Misato had me by the back of the shirt and was screaming something that I couldn't hear over the reverberations through the deck and the explosion that hadn't quite subsided yet.

I shook my head to clear the fog and the confusion, but couldn't get the ringing out of my ears. The ringing... the buzzing? That wasn't the explosion, that was the ship's intercom, battle-stations perhaps?

"Misato, what the hell!?" I yelled, not at her for pulling me down, more at what the hell was going on.

"Stay here, I'm going to figure out what just happened!" She yelled as she got off of me and started for the door.

Stay here? Fuck that. "I'm coming with you, if the ship goes down I don't think it really matters which room I was in when it happened!" I yelled as I followed her, she didn't stop me.

The ship shook again and I stumbled against the hatchway, but Misato pressed on, oblivious to my peril. I shook my head, she was headed for the bridge, I was going to head for the flight deck. She could ask the command crew what was going on, but nothing beats the mark one eyeball.

I took a right turn at the junction and ran forward, the meeting room was in the island so it wasn't long before I reached a bolted hatch and spun the wheel, and pushed it out into the frigid air.

Oh. Damn. That's very, very, bad.

Half a mile off the port of the _Kuznetsov, _the _Tb__i__lisi_ was rocking in the waves, and aft of that the remains of the _Novokuznetsk_ were on fire and sinking. And above _that_ a terrifying amalgamation of metal and bone was flailing as it tried to shake itself free of some kind of hex-engraved binding.

If that wasn't an Angel, I didn't know what was, but how in all of the blue hells did it end up in a cargo ship? We captured one of those things? When the hell did that happen!

No, I needed a plan, I couldn't get to an Evangelion, but the IPEA pilot might already be at it. I couldn't just sit still and do nothing though, she had five minutes of power at most, and in the middle of an ocean? No, she needed back up.

I looked back out at the flight deck... and smirked, despite the situation. I'd spotted a locker room a few meters back, that would do.

XXXXXXX

I licked my lip as my fingers worked their way across the panel in front of me. The helmet was heavier than I remembered, but I was a lot smaller than I was then as well. Them's the breaks.

Battery on, generator connected, fuel booster pumps on. Wheel brakes set. Okay... we can do this. I was lucky, in a way, that the rumor mill had been so active. I'd managed to bluff my way into the pilot's locker room, and again bluff my way into this cockpit. Pilot who killed the Angels? Well, one Pilot was as good as another, and I acted like I knew what I was talking about.

But then, it wasn't really an act, and Misato was about to find out everything that I'd been hiding from her, but desperate times call for desperate measures... and even if I couldn't do anything, I had to try.

I advanced the throttle half an inch and toggled the starter, and was rewarded with the steadily increasing whine of the engine behind me, at least I hadn't forgotten that part. It wasn't what I was used to, but it was close enough. It would do.

I tapped toggled on the targeting computer and cycled through the MFD on the right, switched it over to DSMS mode and examined my external stores pylons. Two LAU-5003 pods, two Mk 84s, and two AIM-9s. Yeah, that would probably be as effective as anything else.

I pulled the throttle back down to idle as the engine caught and the starter disengaged and... that was Misato stomping her way across the flight deck, but I'd prepared for that, had to, because I needed her with me, to make sure she was safe.

The ladder was still up against the side of the jet anyway.

She stormed past the ground crew, probably had seen me from the bridge, but that wasn't an accident either. I looked up in front of me, that Angel was still trying to get free, and it had mostly managed so far, the binding wrapped around it was cracking and splintering more and more with each passing moment.

"Rei what the hell are you-" She started, her face red, confusion, anger, cold? Yes to all of the above.

I grabbed the second helmet out of my lap and handed it to her, and nodded towards the back seat, "I'm doing something, because I'm not just going to stand around here doing nothing. Get in."

"Rei, you can't just take a jet, you don't even know how to fly it, why did they let you in the cockpit, why are they even helping you with this insanity?!" She yelled, pushing the helmet back into the cockpit.

"Misato, you trust me with an Evangelion, don't you? They trust me because I've killed Angels before, and the rumor mill calling me a Pilot didn't hurt that." I explained, then lifted the sun visor on my helmet, "Look, I know what I'm doing, I'm asking you to trust that I know what I'm doing. I'm asking for your help, because from down here, I can't do anything... but up there, I might just have a snowball's chance in hell at doing something, alright?"

"It's not that simple, you've piloted an Evangelion, you've been trained. You can't just jump into this cockpit and pretend you know what you're doing!" She yelled back, "I didn't bring you out here to die!'

"It's not that simple? Misato you threw me into unit one, something I'd never seen before, within two hours of meeting me for the first time, you sent me out to fight something out of a nightmare with no training. You trusted me then to get the job done, now I _need_ you to trust me now, because this is something _I can do."_

I waited, and stared at her, could feel my palms sweating up, felt my stomach churning with anxiety, if she didn't play along, I couldn't leave her here, not with that Angel. If she pressed the issue, I'd get out, and go with her, because...w

She stared at me, silent for a long moment, and turned her head towards the MFDs on the panel, and back to me, and sighed, "You got this thing started up all by yourself didn't you? You're... you're not kidding are you, you really know what you're doing?"

I blushed and nodded, "It's not my first rodeo. I'll explain everything after this, I promise, and I just hope you believe it, but for now, will you please take the helmet and get in?"

"I must be out of my mind, but then it looks like you are too," she said with a sigh as she grabbed the helmet from my hand and slid it on, and climbed into the back seat.

I hit the canopy close switch and reached over to the throttle with my cast-covered arm, at least my fingers were free, I'd be needing them. My right hand felt slick on the control stick. I moved it experimentally and watched the control surfaces in the cockpit mirrors. Good there, alright.

I signaled the ground crew and they cleared out, I released the wheel brakes and tapped the throttle gently, just enough to ease us out of the parking spot and onto the main part of the flight deck. Little right rudder, the nose of the jet steered towards the ski jump and let it idle forward to the blast shield set into the deck, that hadn't been extended yet.

"So, Rei, I'm strapped into your insanity, what's the plan then?" She asked me over the intercom, her voice was colored with irritation and doubt, but she got in the cockpit, so that's all I needed. I've prove the rest once we left the deck of the carrier.

"I was hoping you could come up with something, honestly. Failing that, I'm going to hope to god that the IPEA pilot made it to unit five, and is powering it up. If she's there, I'll try to get in touch with her, and we can work out some kind of plan," I explained as I set the wheel brakes, and looked in the mirror to watch the blast deflector rise up out of the carrier's deck.

"And if she's not there, what do you think we're going to do with a single fighter jet?" She asked me, I could hear her in the back seat fiddling with the controls, It wouldn't surprise me if she actually knew what she was doing back there.

"We've got three drop tanks and our internal tanks are full to the top. If we can't fight, I'm going to run. That's the other reason I wanted you to come along, because I won't leave you behind," I explained, then keyed up the radio before she could reply, "Ikari, taking off now."

Well, time for a date with destiny. I shoved the throttle to the locks, and released the wheel brakes as the afterburner lit. I leaned back into the seat as the g-forced pinned me back, the jet lurched forward down the deck towards the end of the ramp.

A catapult would have been nice, but this jet could do it, wouldn't have been on the carrier if it couldn't, right?

Right?

Oh dang.

I clenched the control stick tightly in my hand as the nose pitched up on the ramp, I grabbed the flaps control lever and dropped it right as the nose gear cleared the ramp, and held back on the stick, gently, as the airspeed still crept up. Altitude dropping... dropping... steady, climbing! I changed a look at the mirror and saw the leading edge extensions retracting as we climbed away from the carrier deck.

I brought the flaps lever back up and pulled the throttle out of afterburner, and started a left turn to sweep over the fleet. I hadn't noticed before, the carriers had taken up most of my attention, but there were several honest to god battleships in the fleet, four of them, _Iowa_-class it looked like, were already opening up on the Angel with their sixteen inch guns.

If anything, it looked like they were helping it escape, unfortunately. They couldn't penetrate the AT field, but that didn't seem to stop them from damaging the confinement ring. I shook my head and rolled a little harder to the left, trying to get a good look down into the deck of the _Tbilisi_.Oh, crap.

"Misato, unit five has wheels, and it doesn't have hands. If she gets that thing going this it's still gonna be tricky. And for that matter why in the _hell_ was there an Angel in the other cargo ship?!" I yelled into the intercom as I toggled on the master arm switch.

"That's a question I'd like answered too, Rei." She hesitated, and toggled the radio, "Katsuragi to Kitty Hawk Actual, come back."

"_Colonel, you're not in that fighter are you? We've got a lot going on down here right now, If you've got anything to help that I'd be thankful."_ Clark responded, quickly too. Must have been having conversations like this a lot the last few minutes.

"Is the portable power supply installed for unit five yet?"

"_It's being powered up as we speak, but it won't do any good if we can't get the Evangelion onto the deck." _he radioed back, even through the relatively low quality link I could hear the stress in his voice.

"Kitty Hawk Actual, this is Ikari I'll make it work, stand by to approach _Tbilisi. _I've got... an idea." I called into the radio as I throttled down and pulled into a left corkscrew dive. I spilled a few hundred feet and lined up on the Angel.

"What's the plan Rei?" Misato asked from the back seat. She couldn't see the Angel, that was good, for her.

"Fish hook." I answered simply as I switched the cannon over to bore-sight.

"Which is what?"

"We're gonna be the thing on the end of a fish hook, you know, bait," I answered as I licked my lip and lined up the pipper on the Angel, right as that last restraint started to yield.

"I don't like that idea."

"You're not the one in the front seat though," I shot back as I pulled the trigger and fired a one second burst at the Angel, then pulled up into a steep climb. Come on, take the bait you bastard.

"Break left!" she yelled suddenly.

I snapped the stick hard to the left and hauled back out of the climb as a beam of coherent hatred streaked past the cockpit. Okay, yeah, we had that thing's attention. I pushed the nose down and throttled back to eighty percent and took us through a lazy right arc away from the _Tbilisi_ and towards open water.

I saw the reflection of another flash in the mirror over my head and flinched, but I wasn't the target. It wasn't chasing? I turned and looked over my left shoulder. Oh dammit, it had fired on one of the nuclear super-carriers, I could just make out the '70' on the side of the island.

"The _Carl Vinson_ just got hit, why isn't it following us?" I muttered into the intercom.

Another flash lit up the sky and another one of the carriers, on the other side of the Angel was hit, and immediately started to list. What the hell was it's game? I was shooting at it, why was it shooting ships that weren't fighting back?

A third CVN was hit a moment later, and Misato yelled from the back seat, "It's targeting the nuclear powered ships!"

"Katsuragi to all ships, the Angel appears to be attacking nuclear powered ships!" She yelled into the radio from the back seat. I rolled left and pulled back on the stick.

There had to be a way to get in touch with the IPEA pilot, if she was still alive, right?

I looked down at the fleet, the battleships were moving in to press the attack on the Angel, the Nuclear carriers were pulling out of the engagement... and it looked like a few submarines had surfaced and fired missiles.

I looked over to find the _Kitty Hawk_, and found it steaming towards the _Tbilisi _with a purpose.

_Kitty Hawk_ must have some way of contacting the Eva!

"Ikari to Kitty Hawk, can you patch me through to the Evangelion?" I asked, as I twisted my neck to look down at the deck of the freighter. There was definitely movement, what was the plan?

"_Ikari, Kitty Hawk, we've patched you through, whenever you're ready." _The operator replied. Alright, now we're getting somewhere.

"Misato, I've got an idea. Looks like the core is in the head of this angel... So, if the pilot of unit five can neutralize the AT field, maybe I can kill it with the AP rockets," I explained as I started to climb and circle around for a pass.

"IPEA pilot, come in, do you read?" Misato asked into the radio. Either she'd agreed with my plan or had one of her own. I actually hoped, quite a lot in fact, that she had her own plan, because mine _sucked_, but a plan you have is better than nothing.

"_Hey there, was wondering when you guys were going to call me, sorry I missed you guys earlier but I wanted to spend some time with my Evangelion, that's okay right? Well listen, I'm powering up right now, I've got about four and a half minutes in this thing by the time I've got it started up so if you could get that nice big boat just a little bit closer I'll hop on over and hook myself up, kay?" _The pilot replied, I had to admit... she was a little grating, so nonchalant while the fleet was getting torn apart, I was a little more reverent, which was a pretty harsh indictment on her.

"Yeah, about that," I answered back on the radio, "I'm in the Viper Zero that's been buzzing the fleet and taking potshots at the Angel. If you can neutralize the AT field, or pin the bastard down I've got thirty eight armor piercing rockets and four thousand pounds of bomb to drop on him. Might not get the job done but it ought to soften him up. Think we can work together on this?"

I heard a laugh through the link and then she came back on, _"Well, I bet you're popular, you know just what to say to a girl. Sounds like a plan. I'll stay in low power mode till the carrier is in range. I'll signal you then."_

"Well, that's nice. She's out of her mind you know? You said I was insane, this chick is... like the polar opposite of Ayanami," I complained to Misato. "This is who you're trusting to replace me, by the way. Remember that when we're swimming home."

"You pick the worst times to complain, you know that right?" Misato asked in an exasperated tone, I could almost hear her helmet tapping on the back of her seat. Well, maybe that was my imagination, but I was pretty sure it was happening regardless.

"Yeah, but you still love me."

She said nothing to that, probably for the best, not the thing I needed to be thinking about when I was flying in combat. Now, if she wanted to give me a kiss of congratulations afterward, well, that part I could deal with.

I rolled my eyes and circled around on another pass, climbing steadily, turning my surplus airspeed into altitude, just in case I needed the extra energy, and kept watching unit five. It was upright now, standing on its four legs, each one ending in a wheel. The two pincer arms were also... different.

The entire thing looked like it was made on a whim, like they had a quadruple amputee Evangelion torso and needed something to fight with, so they just started strapping on half-assed prosthetics and said 'sure why not' to the final product.

And it was our only hope, but it could generate an AT field, so at least we had a hope.

There was a flash of light from the _Tbilisi _and I saw unit five rise from the ship on a pillar of fire on a ballistic arc towards the waiting _Kitty Hawk_. Unit five could fly? I needed to ask for rockets to be installed on unit one, that was some slick stuff.

"Unit five, are you ready?" I called into the radio as I continued to climb.

"_What, didn't you get the signal? I'm ready to rock and roll! AT field to maximum!" _The girl yelled back through the radio. She sounded... excited. Yeah this one was a lunatic. She'd fit right in.

"Alright, my turn then, I'll get his attention on you," I called back as I stepped into the rudder and rolled into an intercept trajectory with the Angel. I switched the weapon selector over to the mark 84s and cycled the targeting computer over to CCIP.

It wasn't exactly what I'd planned, but I had zero doubts that four thousand pounds of bomb hitting the angel at the speed of sound was going to escape its attention, especially with five dampening it's AT field.

I licked my bottom lip and pushed the throttle forward, lit the afterburner, and watched my altitude drop and my airspeed climb. The sound of the wind whistling past the canopy increased steadily and then... disappeared entirely as we passed mach one.

The pipper crossed over the Angel's skull and I pressed the weapon's release on the stick, felt the bombs release from the pylons. I cut the throttle, grabbed the air-brakes and yelled to Misato, "Hang on, boards out!" as I hauled back on the stick.

The g-forces pinned me against my seat and vapor trailed off the wing tips as the airframe shook and shuddered, pulling out of the dive with a few hundred feet to spare, the air-brakes spilled airspeed as we dropped back into the subsonic range and I leveled us out.

I rolled up on the left wing tip and started a high-g turn back towards the _Kitty Hawk_. The Angel was paying attention now, good. Now all I had to do was get it to engage unit five... Easier said than done.

"This thing is kind of a pig with all that fuel out there on the pylons, but should be a little better with the bombs gone." I said conversationally to Misato as I chewed my bottom lip.

"_Ikari, looks like you got couple of clean hits. I'm impressed, now can you bring it over so I can play with it?"_ Five's pilot asked. I couldn't get a read on her, was she screwing with me or was she truly out of her mind? If the latter, I had to question the IPEA's judgment in the matter.

I pulled the throttle back to idle and deployed the air-brakes again to spill off extra airspeed, I wanted to make a slow pass before I took off, to give it something to follow. And hope it didn't blow me up with its laser attack.

"Rei, why are we slowing down?"

"I'm going to shake my ass at it," I shot back as I tapped the stick over in a lazy arc past the Angel. The skeletonized head slowly turned to lock onto us. Yep, got his attention. I retracted the air-brakes and shoved the throttle to the stop.

And we we off like a shot again, and the Angel started to close in behind us. Was it going to attack us directly, was it trying to get a better shot? What was the recharge time on that laser beam attack anyway?

Probably just long enough for me to get complacent. No matter.

I stepped on the rudder and nosed the jet over towards unit five, and boy was the jolly green giant ugly up close, a real hodgepodge. "I brought a friend, play nice alright?" I called out to the pilot as I rolled left and eased back on the stick to pass around the Evangelion.

"_I don't know, I have a really bad habit of breaking my toys. Come on beastie, let's play!"_I could _hear_ the maniac grin in her voice, and was for the moment thankful that I didn't have a video-link with her.

I shook my head, and hauled back on the stick, pulled the plane ninety degrees to the carrier and looked up through the canopy. The Angel had decided that the Evangelion was a more important target than I was.

Presumably due to the fact that the Evangelion was grabbing it by the neck with both pincers and was trying its very best to pop the Angel's head off. The Eva had drilled itself into the flight deck and the carrier was listing terribly to starboard from the force and weight being pressed down onto it.

"_Any time, fighter jock!" _she yelled through the radio, and this time I didn't detect the playful mania that she'd been showing me before, this was an earnest request, she was struggling.

"Ikari, making my pass now. Switching to CRV7s," I called out as I pulled back and rolled level, lined up with the Angel's head. I licked my lip and focused on the CCIP pipper on the HUD, nudged the stick and rudders gently until it lined up on the core and then pressed the weapon's release and held it as all thirty eight rockets began to ripple out of the tubes.

I cut throttle, popped the air brakes, and dropped the flaps to spill airspeed and slow my closing rate as I toggled over to the cannon, switched it over to bore-sight, and pulled the trigger. Hundreds of tracers drew a line of light between the barrels of my Vulcan cannon and the Angel, twitches on the flight stick walked the tracers into the core as the rockets impacted.

Stall warnings sounded through the cockpit and I swore under my breath as I closed the air-brakes and pushed power back to the engine. I pulled back on the stick as the airspeed rose and passed over the Angel before the smoke cleared.

"_Not dead yet? Fine, take this!"_ the pilot screamed. I snap rolled to the left and pulled back so I could get a clear line of sight to the Angel, just in time to watch unit five smash the Angel's cracked core with one of it's pincer claws.

"Looks like we did it, eh Rei?" Misato asked from the back seat, "Now how about we put this thing down and you start explaining stuff."

I nodded, she probably didn't notice, but that didn't really matter. Angel was dead, that's what mattered. Of course, both that Angel and the other Evangelion were nothing like anything I remembered or had ever seen before... but those memories were pretty old anyway.

I scanned the fleet below looking for a carrier to land on, the American CVNs were out, none of them looked like they were in very good shape, all of them had flight deck damage and looked to be taking on water, the _Kitty Hawk_ had a flight deck full of dead Angel and unit five... and some holes that that IPEA pilot had drilled into it.

"Misato, help me out a little, try to find a carrier that's not screwed up, because the pickings are getting pretty thin from what I can see." I'd tried to act nonchalant, but the truth was it was everything I had not to start to panic. Stuck out over the ocean with no place to land was no fun, and I didn't even want to pretend to imagine what might happen if we had to ditch in that blood red ocean, be dead in minutes from the cold alone.

"I see the _Kuznetsov... _but it's listing pretty bad, looks like it took a hit to the engine compartment, the flight deck is damaged... and I can't find the other carriers, they must have gone down while we were fighting," She answered. She hadn't figured it out yet, but she would in the next couple of seconds.

"Ikari to Kitty Hawk, I can't find a clear flight deck anywhere in this fleet to set down on... what's our distance to Elmendorf?"

"What are you planning?" Misato asked from the back seat, I could see her leaning up in the mirror.

"If we ditch in this water, we're both dead, If we're close enough, we might have enough fuel left to make Elmendorf in Alaska, we can figure out something else from there," I explained. "It's not ideal, but sticking with the fleet isn't worth dying for."

"_Ikari, Elmendorf is eighteen fifty on the money from your current position." _The radio operator called back.

I turned the aircraft south, south east and jettisoned the rocket pods from under the wing pylons, and called up the radio again, "Ikari to Kitty Hawk Actual, I'm afraid I'm going to have to postpone that dinner engagement, we'll have to catch up in Yokosuka. Can you do me a favor and let Elmendorf know we're coming? Would hate to get shot down on the way in."

"_I suspect that we'll be in Yokosuka for a while getting patched up, so you'll probably get that chance. I'll sent a message along ahead of you. We'll keep tracking you from here till you're off radar. Best of luck to you. And Colonel Katusragi? I you've got a good kid working with you, keep her close and we might just make it through this thing." _Captain Clark called back on the radio, he sounded worn out. I can't imagine that the battle was easier on him than it was on us by any means.

"I'll hold you to it. Ikari out."

I licked my bottom lip and set the auto pilot to altitude and course hold and let go of the stick, leaned back in the seat. Yep, flying to Alaska. That was happening. I looked up in the mirror at Misato and keyed up the intercom, "So, this is going to be a long flight isn't it?"

She nodded, "Yeah, I have questions."

"I don't suppose we can let those questions wait until we land in Anchorage?" I asked hopefully.

"Not a chance."


	10. Cylon One-Three

Chapter 10:

Cylon one-three

* * *

I closed my eyes and leaned my head back in the seat, and took a deep breath of the filtered, clean, cockpit air. How could I even start this conversation? Where would it lead? Where would we be at the end of it?

Would she let me pilot again? Would she have me arrested, deported, institutionalized?

I looked up at her in the mirror and sighed, "The truth is, Misato, I don't know who... or what I am."

"That's... I'm not sure what to make of that Rei, why don't you start at the beginning and we can work from there alright?" She said, the edge from before, from when she was angry was gone, as if she could feel the conflict I was having.

"If you'd asked me to explain it before, when we'd first met, I would have had a different, much simpler answer for you, but right now, I just don't know." I took a deep breath and held it for a moment, then continued, "I have memories in my head, how to fly this plane, how to drive a car. There was this horse, and his name was Blue, and I remember that he used to snap branches off of trees and chase the cows around with the branch in his mouth, hitting them in the butt with it. Rei Ikari never owned that horse, but I remember it."

"So you're not Rei Ikari? You look like her, you fit her profile..." Misato protested.

"That's... not what I mean, I don't think, not exactly. I've got these memories, these feelings in my head, but when I tried to think of the name of the girl, the woman they came from, I can't find it. I can feel feelings for the people she knew, love the people she loved, but her name won't come to me, and when I think of myself, the only name I can think of is 'Rei'..." I trailed off. I had tried not to think of it, tried to avoid it, but when I said those words their meaning rang true in my mind, try as I might, the name, the name of that person who died in that cockpit fire, was lost to me.

"Try to help me understand, Rei. Are you talking like... brain washing? Some kind of mental contamination? Maybe Ritsuko can help, do some kind of test or something..." Her voice was... wavering, she was grasping, she thought she was losing me, or maybe thought I might just crash the plane after I lost it.

"I don't remember the life of Rei Ikari, I don't remember being sent away by my f-f-father, I don't remember what happened the last fourteen years, not really, but my yearnings are still there. If you'd asked me this question the day we met, I would have told you that I was that other person, trapped in this body that isn't mine... but when I think about it, when I really think about it, I don't think that's true. I think..." I hesitated, I felt the tears starting to stream down my cheeks, empathy. Empathy for the dead, for what the dead have lost, for what she, what I, the old I, the me from my memories but not the me I am now, had lost. The people she'd left heartbroken, left behind.

"I think, it all started with a wish. A wish that the Rei Ikari you picked up from that phone booth made, before I woke up in your car. 'I wish that I could be a stronger person.' Those words are in my head, spoken in my voice, but I don't really _remember_ speaking them. It was a wish that I had made, and was given these memories, these feelings, to let me be a stronger person," I choked out, my throat started to get tight, the tears started to flow more steadily, I could taste the salt in my mouth, felt my sinuses loosening up and draining.

"That... That doesn't really make any sense, how could that be possible? Rei that's just... so unbelievable..."

"Well, how else could I explain it? What's the difference between a lie you'll believe and a truth that you won't believe? What would you have me tell you that you'd listen to? How do you explain what I know, how I can fly this plane, how I knew how to shoot that Angel? I've been doing what I've been doing because that's the kind of person my memories tell me I am, that's what I have to live up to, but... I don't think that person is really me. And maybe I'm not Rei Ikari, and maybe I'm not this other girl, maybe I'm some combination of the two of them, I don't know, I can't know. Is it really so hard to believe?

"Angels, Evangelions, the end of the world, second impact? It's science fiction Misato, but it's happening to us right now, right here, in this world. If something like that can happen, AT fields and second impact and Angels and a dead ocean full of blood and a scar on the moon... is it really so far fetched... that somewhere, somebody took pity on a scared little girl... and granted her that one wish?

"I wish that I could be a stronger person; I am a stronger person because of that wish, but I am still the scared little girl too," I finished and clenched my eyes shut against the tears, slumped down in the seat and... hugged myself. Forced to actually look and examine myself, forced to look at the uncomfortable truths that I probably should have suspected all along. So easy to discover the substance of my fears when I actually had to put voice and words to the feelings.

"If that is the case, Rei. If what you're saying is true... and I know that you believe it, and I know I can't think of anything else to explain it, not really... and you have a lot of good points. You're still the same person I've known, who's gone into battle for me, who's lived in my home, no, _our _home. You're still my friend, so, that's what matters," she said after a long moment. I felt her hand reach past my seat and grab onto my shoulder, I reached up and touched her hand.

"Then I will keep being Rei, or her or... whoever I am. I'll keep doing that, if that is..." I hesitated, was I asking her permission to exist? Granting her authority over my existence? Would it matter if I had? She couldn't write me out of existence, she could kill me, but she wouldn't, even if I let her.

"You're fine, we can talk about this when we land. I don't know what I expected you to say when this whole thing started, I know it wasn't this... But I know you're not lying to me either. Your honesty is more important than the substance of what you have to say. I can still trust you, I _do_ still trust you, or I wouldn't be here with you right now, alright? We'll take this one step at a time, and we'll figure it all out together... and it will be just between the two of us, because I don't really, _really_, understand, and I know that the rest of Nerv won't be willing to take the chance," She said, her tone warm, comforting, she squeezed my hand against my shoulder.

Motherly, sisterly, a friend. All of those. Commanding officer? Yes but... more, much more. I had a crush on her, I could admit that, I wanted that crush to turn into something else, if I was to be honest. This was more than that, deeper than that, a connection, a lifeline in a whirlwind of confusing emotions and fractured memories.

The more I tried to grasp onto that other life and make it real to me, the more it pulled away, the more it felt like an instruction manual, or a movie I'd watched. The more I reached out for it, the more the hand on my shoulder felt like what was real, like that connection with another human being, the one right behind me, was what I needed, not to cling onto a false past.

Was I losing myself in the role, or was I truly Rei all along? If you lose all your memories, are you still the same person? And if your memories are replaced with the memories of another person, are you yourself even still? Are you that other person? Or are you some kind of combination of the two?

Who's soul is it that resides within my body, what is the self that is me?

If I dug deep, if I picked at that wall between the memories I was using, and the memories of Rei Ikari, if I braved that fear, and tried to remember her life, if I tried to find it buried deep within me... would that fix this crisis? Would I know who I was?

Or, are some things best forgotten, is there something so dark in her, in my past, that I wanted to forget, that I was willing to lose myself to not remember?

I shook my head and squeezed Misato's hand, "As long as you're with me, to help me through it... whatever happens, I think I'll be okay. I'm still the girl you first met, I'm just... I'm just trying to figure out exactly what that means."

Misato laughed, "Well, to be honest it either means you're completely out of your mind, or you're telling the truth. But, in either case your heart is still in the right place and you wanna do good, so that's enough for me, you know?"

I couldn't stop myself from snickering, if she was trying to cheer me up she wasn't doing a bad job, "Well, I know now. But if all of this turns out to be a bad trip or some kind of perpetual hallucination I'm going to be really disappointed."

I leaned forward in the seat and checked the autopilot, made sure the course setting still matched the compass, that was good. Fuel levels good... so far. I flicked the gauge face with my finger, yeah it wasn't sticking.

"Misato, I'm going to jettison the center drop tank, it's empty and we can't really afford the drag right now. We'll have to hope that Elmendorf has some that will fit or it's going to be a tricky flight to get back across the pacific," I announced, my voice flat as the tears dried on my cheeks. Think about the objective at hand, push the emotions away. Cope.

"Alright. So you were planning to fly back to Japan, not just catch a ride on a transport? I guess I'm okay with that, this is probably faster and safer..." she trailed off, she sounded exhausted. Processing what I said or just stressed out? No, stop thinking about that.

I rolled through the MFD and released the center drop tank, the aircraft lurched slightly with the change in weight and then the engine dropped in pitch slightly, compensating for the loss in drag with a reduction in power to maintain airspeed. That probably bought us more than just a few minutes of flight time.

"Well, I guess I just assumed we'd keep flying this jet till we got back to Japan, or at least until we got back in touch with headquarters," I said with a shrug. I looked over the side of the fuselage and down, through a gap in the clouds, I could make out the coast. "We're over land now, so at least we'll stay dry if we have to bail out."

"Neither of us is dressed for arctic survival, so I don't think that's going to help much," Misato answered back.

"Just trying to find a silver lining. As long as everything continues on like it has been, we should make Elmendorf with fuel to spare. I'd dump the Aim-9s to increase our range but I don't want to be defenseless in case something happens," I rambled as I cycled through the pylon inventory. I could have just looked out the canopy, sure, but I wanted to make sure that the DSMS was inventorying properly.

"If something happens? The angel is dead, and I don't think another one would try to track us down, and for that matter I don't think a couple missiles would make a difference, Rei."

I shook my head, "No, but I wouldn't be surprised if word has spread about who's flying this jet, and I think either one of us would make a pretty good hostage, don't you think?" I asked.

"Well, when you put it that way you sound paranoid."

"Just because I'm paranoid doesn't mean I'm wrong, people suck."

Misato groaned into the intercom, "God, you're so cynical, you know that?"

I snickered, "Well, it does have survival value."

"Survival of the most paranoid, huh? Sounds about right for Nerv personnel."

XXXXXXX

The shrill whine in my ears snapped me out of my haze. I must have drifted off for a moment while we were cruising. That could have been bad, but the shrill beeping was worse. I looked over the front panel-

"Rei what the hell is that noise?!" Misato yelled from the back seat.

My eyes snapped over to the radar warning receiver, two inbound radar spikes? "Contact, two high, try to get a visual! Radar going active... now," I announced as I toggled the active radar on, and saw... very little. Stealth? What was going on.

"What's going on?" Misato yelled from the back seat.

I clenched the throttle and prepared to push it to the lock, hesitating only because I knew I needed to save the fuel, was it a missile, or was it an escort? Were we going to be lead in, or shot down? "Two contacts on the RWR, might be friendly..."

I licked my lip and toggled the radio over to transmit, "Ikari to approaching aircraft, please identify and state intent, over."

"_Cylon one-one to Ikari, __we've been looking for you. What state?" _the voice came back, smooth, calm, collected. Fighter pilot. Yeah, professional.

"Cylon one-one, two sidewinders, one-niner-zero-zero pounds fuel remaining," I called back as the inbound jets resolved into actual recognizable shapes instead of pinpricks.

"_Roger, Ikari is assigned as Cylon one-three. We'll guide you in to Elmendorf_," that smooth operator voice called back. The voice sounded young, but confident in a way that I'd rarely experienced. The kind of voice that belonged to a person who was probably the coolest cucumber in any room he entered... or at least a master at making it look like he was chill.

"Cylon one-three, roger," I called back. I licked my lip, so this wasn't that bad after all. I looked down and noticed that the internal tanks were starting to drain, and reached over to punch the last two drop tanks, then hesitated. No, I would hang onto those, probably had enough fuel for a landing and there was no sense in being wasteful.

I switched back to the intercom and looked up in the mirror at Misato, "Do you still have your pistol?"

She hesitated, "...why would you assume I've got a pistol?"

"Because I'm not stupid," I answered simply, then shrugged, "If you've still got it, hang onto it. Paranoid I might be..." I trailed off as the two jets formed up on either side of us. F-22 Raptors, interesting.

"But?" she probed.

"Well, as far as welcome wagons go, sending a pair of Raptors was a little heavy handed don't you think? Stealth fighters to escort an F-2B? The only thing they'd be able to hide from out here is us, if anybody else rolled though they'd still see _our_ radar return and still know that we were out here, even if they didn't see the Raptors," I explained, turning my eyes to the jet on my left.

The pilot flashed me a thumbs up, I gave one back and nodded. Yeah, why would they send the Raptors? Those things cost a fortune, both to build _and_ to fly.

"Maybe they just wanted to send their best, not everything is a conspiracy, Rei. You _are_ pretty important, maybe more than you can fully appreciate. It wouldn't be out of the question for them to pull out all the stops, ya know?" She asked, though I wasn't sure if she was trying to convince me, or convince herself.

"Well, I hope you're right. If it comes down to it, I could probably only take out one of them, if I was lucky. Two sidewinders and a hundred fifty rounds left in the cannon don't exactly make for a threatening offensive posture," I explained as I leaned back in the seat. I hadn't even needed to adjust the autopilot, those Raptors had just settled in on their own.

"Rei, do you plan out how to kill everyone you meet?"

I shook my head, "no, no I don't... I'm just not really in the greatest place right now you know? That's... well that's part of the reason I wanted you up here with me, to make sure I didn't do anything stupid."

"Well, you'll have to define 'stupid' for me, because attacking an Angel in a fighter jet wasn't the brightest move that's ever been performed," she chided.

"Well, yeah, but it did work, and you did get in the back seat."

"That was probably a little dumb on my part too..." she admitted.

I hummed and disengaged the autopilot, then nudged the stick forward gently and watched the altimeter drop. I licked my bottom lip and eased back the throttle as we started to drop under the clouds, saw the Raptor off my left keeping on my wing as I finally got a good look at the ground.

At least Alaska didn't look any different. Trees as far as the eye could see off to the left, blood red ocean to the far, far right, on the horizon.

"_Cylon one-three, Elmendorf Tower, cleared to land, runway one-six."_

I blinked, I hadn't even requested landing clearance, had one of the Raptors called it in for me? That was irregular, were they being considerate of the fuel situation or was it something else?

I shook my head, too late for that now.

"Elmendorf Tower, cleared to land, runway one-six, cylon one-three, acknowledged."

I looked over my shoulder at a flash of movement, the Raptors pushed ahead and away as I descended towards the airfield, nudged the rudder to line up on runway sixteen. I licked my lip, throttle back, flaps, gear down...

I felt myself pressing forward in the seat as the drag slowed the aircraft, altitude dropped. I bit down on my bottom lip, it had been a while, too long even... no, I had this, I just killed an Angel and flew a few over a thousand miles, yeah, I had this.

I stepped into the left rudder as a crosswind buffeted the aircraft, and pushed the nose down slightly. One hundred feet... seventy five. I cut the engine back to idle and deployed the air brakes. Fifty, thirty, twenty. I licked my lip. Ten, five, touchdown. I hit the wheel brakes and kept the aircraft centered on the runway as we slowed down.

"_Cylon one-three, proceed to north parking. Welcome to Alaska."_

"Tower, proceed to north parking, cylon one-three acknowledged."

"Well, we're on the ground, we made it," Misato called from the back, I could hear the relief in her voice, saw her relaxed posture in the mirror.

"Well as long as they don't arrest us on sight, right?"

"Oh, ever the optimist, Rei."

XXXXXXX

It's difficult to appreciate how heavy a helmet becomes when you've been wearing it for hours until you have the chance to take it off and realize just how much better you feel. It felt like I grew an inch just from my neck no longer being compressed. Or, maybe I un-shrank? Either way, it was a good time.

By the time I had the canopy open, the ground crew already had a ladder and a fuel truck out to the side of the aircraft. They were nothing if not efficient.

I set the helmet down in my lap and took a deep breath of cold Alaskan air while I looked around. We were a hell of a stand-out on the tarmac. A blue camo painted F-2B next to a row of F-22 Raptors painted in dark gray.

Oh, and the pilot, she had powder blue hair, and it _did_ get a few stares. I shook my head and stood up in the seat, stretched out, and turned to step down the ladder. I had to avoid screwing this up, broken arm and all, since there wasn't an aircraft carrier captain to catch me if I fell this time.

Grabbing a ladder with a cast was still a pain in the ass though. One step, two, three. I started to slip, and felt strong hands grab me around the waist and help me down the ladder. "Easy kid, I gotcha. Can't believe you were flying that thing with a broken arm."

That voice, I remembered that voice. The Raptor pilot? He must have landed while I was trying to figure out where the hell 'North Parking' was. I turned to look at him when I hit the ground, looked up at him and turned a little pink.

"Thanks for the help..." I said to him, my throat felt dry, the cold air probably, I needed a drink, and a shower, and a fifth of Tennessee's finest bourbon. The last part was optional.

"Hey, not a problem. You know, you don't even have an accent in your English. I almost didn't believe it when they told me that a little Japanese girl was flying that thing," He said with a laugh as he patted me on the shoulder.

"Well, I wouldn't say _little girl_, I'm fourteen, that's like, teenager, totally different thing," I deflected with a laugh, "So, I'm Rei Ikari, and you are?"

"Lieutenant John Becket, at your service," he answered with a small mock bow, "and who is that divine creature climbing out of the back seat?"

I looked back over my shoulder and saw Misato climbing down the ladder with a dexterity and grace that I clearly lacked. I looked back to Becket, and he was... well not quite leering. He was looking at her with a look that was clearly intended to be smooth and attractive.

He wasn't doing a bad job of that.

Her feet hit the tarmac and she turned around. "_Colonel_ Misato Katsuragi," she answered with a smirk and a strong emphasis on her rank.

Oh, snap, she was pulling rank already? Misato knew how to shut a guy down.

He laughed, "Oh, Colonel is it? I guess that makes Rei your personal driver then?"

"Yeah, it's exactly like that," I grumbled, "Anyway," I coughed, "So, where can I get a shower and a bite to eat and something to wear that isn't olive drab? This flight suit is a little past it's expiration date."

"Yeah, I think we can do that. Get both of you fed, cleaned up, and then we'll go from there." He explained and gestured to a parked Humvee, "They'll take you where you need to go."

I nodded and started to walk towards the awaiting vehicle, then took a look back at the F-2, "And the Viper?"

"We'll cross that bridge when we come to it." He said with a shrug.

"I'll make some phone calls," Misato said, "We'll come to... an arrangement I'm sure."

XXXXXXX

Heat, and moisture, and hard tile. It wasn't perfect but it was everything I wanted. I could taste the thick clean steam as the hot water rained down on me. I leaned my head back against the tile as I sat in the bottom of the shower stall. I'd long since finished washing, but I couldn't bring myself to actually leave and face... whatever it was that was going to happen after.

I licked my lip and shifted, listened to the crinkling of the plastic bag over my cast. Damn broken arm. I could have done without that, but then, what I did to break it, I wouldn't change. Ayanami. It was funny, all that had happened recently, and she was what I thought about.

I needed to get back there, back to Japan. As much as there was a part of me that wanted to stay in America, to go further, even, and reclaim that old life... I shook my head, I couldn't do that, it wasn't mine to take.

I pushed my hand through my hair and sighed. I was a mess, this whole situation was a mess. We'd probably have been fine if we'd just let that IPEA pilot do her thing and stayed out of it.

"But I could never let myself stand by and just watch, could I?" I asked myself as I leaned forward and onto my feet and then stood. I reached over my head and stretched, arching my back and rolling up onto the tips of my toes... a satisfying crack echoed through the shower stall as my muscles stretched and my joints popped.

You never really appreciate how satisfying cracking your back can be until you're stuck in the world's smallest cockpit for an extended period of time.

I turned the water off and pushed my hair back, it would probably fall back down into the low maintenance bob cut once it dried, but wet hair in the eyes was irritating as hell so at least it would stay long enough to keep me from being too bothered.

I shut off the water and leaned against the wall. Legs felt like rubber, back hurt, and my arm felt like it was clamped in a vice. Yeah, I needed to sleep it off probably, but the shower had to come first. Never been able to sleep without having one first.

I grabbed the towel off the stall door and wrapped myself up in it. I shuffled through the empty shower room over to the mirror and regarded myself. That face that I'd become so accustomed to, the little imperfections, the slightly crooked smile. Brown eyes with bags under them, black like I'd been punched in the face, and that powder blue hair slicked down to my head with water.

I chuckled and shook my head, the more things change, the more they stay the same. Keep up the fight, because you can, because you can't let yourself do anything else if you have the chance. Fight, kill, and win, because it's what you're good at, and because you're already broken.

So break yourself more, to stop somebody else from being broken.

I licked my lip and spit into the sink, "A hero of war, is that what they see? Just medals and scars, so damn proud of me."


	11. I Remember, Therefore I Am Rei Ikari

Chapter 11:

I Remember, Therefore I Am Rei Ikari

* * *

The acidic burn scratched at my throat, cleared my sinuses, as I heaved into the bushes again. I gripped the corner of the building as another dry heave wracked my body, blinked the burning tears out of my eyes.

Fuck.

I shook my head, blew my nose into a rag and threw it against the side of the building, then collapsed against the wall and pushed my hands up into my hair and grabbed my head.

Fuck.

Of all the things to remember, of all the times to remember it... What the hell had I been through, before this, before now? What made that Rei who became me want to forget her life, who she was? I was afraid that I knew, through the miracle of nightmares.

What was holding all of those memories back? They were still in my head, her head, our head. We were all the same person though, if the soul is the seat of the self, then it was just a memory transplant, and that other girl was dead.

So were feelings of love and affection in the heart or the mind? Maybe both. Or maybe I, as Rei, would still have loved _her_, the one who I missed so much, if she'd had the same memories?

I shook my head, couldn't get that nightmare, that memory out of mind.

_The pungent stench of alcohol, thick on his breath for the third, no, fourth night in a row. Had to drink for courage, too ashamed of what he was doing to do it while sober, and lacked the self control to stop himself. So he made me bear it, as my payment for shelter, or something else, I didn't know, couldn't make myself care. _

I clenched my fist and slammed the bottom of my hand against the wall and bit down on my lip to avoid screaming, of all the things to remember, that? The parts of myself that I lost when this new self was written in, that other scared girl, I had to remember this? I couldn't remember the good parts, the parts that made her, made me, who I am, or who I _was?_

I couldn't remember myself, the real me, Rei Ikari, but I could remember why I wanted to forget. Forget because of the waiting, a life of waiting. Waiting for class, waiting to come home. Waiting to sleep, to eat, to bathe. Just waiting for something to change. Waiting for the night time, waiting for him to be finished. Waiting for the date on my father's letter, wondering if I could wait that long without taking a broken mirror to my wrist.

I wretched again as a sob wracked my body, like trying to hold in a cough, I kept the sound down but couldn't stop the tears, couldn't stop the heaving. Of all the damn things to remember...

Did Father know? Had Misato known? Was this in the file? Were they expecting a shattered little girl? An obedient doll? Something else?

Had he condoned it?

I shook my head, no. I wouldn't accept that. He was many things, but he cared, he had a heart, I knew that. Talking to him, seeing him, being around him, and the feelings in my heart, no, Gendo Ikari didn't know, wouldn't have condoned it. Everything he did, everything he was working for, I could feel, was from love. Love for... my mother? Rei's mother. It didn't take a lot of reading between the lines to figure that much out.

Maybe it's why he was able to talk with me, be open with me, did I remind him of her? No, he smiled at me, accepted my offer for dinner, he was willing to give us a chance, maybe not to be the family we could have been, but for him to at least be a father now.

What would I say, could I say anything? Maybe when we got back to Japan, when we could settle back into a routine. Not while we were here. She wouldn't let me fly, wouldn't let me take us back, would do it some other way. Couldn't have that, needed the release, the freedom.

Freedom as a person... and the freedom you get at mach two, thirty five thousand and climbing? No comparison, closest thing to being able to fly like a bird, better in some ways. I needed it, needed it for now, while I could have it.

An escape handle on what sucks about the world.

But for now, I was stuck remembering, as if it had just happened, as if I'd lived through all of it, fresh in my mind. I suppose that I had in fact lived through it. Was that why I wanted to forget?

I looked down at the bottle in my left hand, twisted the cap off with my right and started drinking. The sharp sting of cheap vodka stung, but I didn't care. I'd stolen it from the hotel minibar, probably not more than four shots in the whole thing if I was lucky, but I was tiny and it had friends.

The more things change, the more they stay the same. Old habits, or maybe the habits of an entirely different person. Coping mechanisms are learned behavior, and I knew everything she ever learned. And what she learned, and what I knew now, was that the alcohol might not make me forget, but it would make me care a whole lot less.

I hurled the empty bottle into the distance, across the street, and pushed myself back to my feet. It was cold, but maybe a walk would do me some good, give me something else to worry about. At least it wasn't a skirt. Jeans, which I wasn't sure I'd ever worn, at least, not as Rei Ikari. A t-shirt, with a sweat shirt on top, and a jacket in that same canary yellow as my school vest.

Clothes I hadn't purchased but had been provided for me, and they fit perfectly, right down to the underwear size and the bra size. That was a mystery for another day, either somebody had really good eyes, or Misato had been spilling the beans. Or this was just one big hallucination.

That last one might not be such a bad thing after all.

I slipped another bottle out of my pocket, cheap bourbon, close enough. Uses included: getting drunk, partying like you're south of the Mason-Dixon.

Misato would probably miss me come morning, but whatever. She was out like a light, didn't even notice when I woke up, or when I went outside to purge myself of both dinner and memories.

North, I would head north, that was a good direction to walk in the middle of the night with a bottle of eighty proof in hand. Maybe I'd sneak back onto the airbase.

No, probably not that. Still, the scenery was a far cry from Japan as the blocks rolled by. The cold was bracing, and even with the alcohol in my body I still managed to stay awake and coordinated enough to make it across the railroad tracks without getting hit by a train or a car.

North is a good direction, yeah. I was heading south when we had our conversation in the jet, so north should take that back, just gotta walk a few dozen hundred miles...

I shook my head and looked down at the bottle, empty. Alcohol was definitely getting to me, dropped the bottle and leaned against the concrete barrier on the bridge. A few cars passed by, some even slowed down a little, but ultimately nobody stopped.

Punk kid with blue hair? Maybe she knows what she's doing, they would think. Maybe she deserves to be alone, maybe she's running away. Not my problem, not my problem.

I tossed the bottle backwards over the side of the bridge and stared at the cast on my left arm. Punishment, for doing the right thing? Was I not allowed to be happy, to protect the people I cared about? I fought, I won, I hurt my arm ejecting.

I fought, I won, I pulled Ayanami out of that boiling LCL. I finished breaking my arm for good measure.

Killed that Angel back with the fleet, broke down in front of Misato, had that nightmare, ended up here.

And it would have been so simple to just stand up and fall backwards over the railing, let a train finish the job. Angels can't kill me, alcohol can't kill me, but Union-Pacific could certainly do the trick. Wouldn't that just be Japanese as hell of me? Go out in front of a locomotive.

I spit on the ground and pushed myself back onto my feet. No, not that. No matter how bad I felt, it wasn't my decision, not in my hands, not till all of it was over. I slapped the side of my face, hard, with my good hand. The sting woke me up a little bit.

"Listen you little shit, you can die when you're done, right now people need you to get back up and fight so snap the hell out of it!" I yelled at myself as I leaned against the barrier. Not my best pep talk, but oddly close to one I'd been given before.

The squeal of brakes got my attention. Not the loud shriek of somebody braking in panic, that quieter screech of worn brake pads clamping down on the rotor right before the car stops moving. I turned slowly to see the late nineties Jeep fuzzing in and out of focus, ever so slightly.

Four door, black as night, with a man behind the wheel. No, a man getting out of the car. He looked... concerned? Maybe pissed.

"Rei?"

Oh, that voice, I recognized that voice. "Hey bucket, what's up?" I asked with an exaggerated shrug and a tilt of my head. Heh, bucket, see, it's like Becket, but-

"Are you drunk? Jesus... get in the car, come on..." He said as he grabbed me by the arm. Firm, but not rough, there was no question in his statement, he wasn't asking me to get in the car, he was telling me, and I was pretty sure he could have just picked me up and thrown me in if I resisted.

At that point, I didn't care. What could he do that was worse than-

"Little drunk, you want some? I drank it all, but I think there's still some in the minibar..." I slurred out as he buckled me into the passenger seat, on the right side of the car even. The little things you miss about America after you spend your entire life in Japan.

Alcohol really brings out the conflicted thought patterns in me.

I heard the door slam shut from his side, looked over to see him sitting behind the wheel. Hadn't put the car in gear yet, just sat there with his hands on the wheel, "So, can't say I know you that well but don't you think that maybe this was a bad idea? Can't imagine Nerv makes a routine of letting their underage pilots go on drinking binges and then an unattended walk through the city, right?"

I licked my bottom lip and resisted the urge to spit, shook my head and reclined the seat, leaned back. "Just... memories. Shouldn't have to have them, tried to forget, couldn't forget. Remember tonight, nightmares, you know? Wasn't ready for it, thought the alcohol might help. Thought about jumpin, didn't tho."

He nodded as he listened to my ramblings, I felt a shift and the Jeep started to move, a soft rumble from under the hood. Must have been the big engine, the me from before, the girl who gave me her memories, she had one with the big engine, the sound was the same.

"Kids shouldn't have to fight..." he muttered under his breath, didn't expect me to hear probably, but I did. He probably didn't know what to say to me, but he seemed like a nice enough guy. Watching out for me, felt like he had to, or maybe he was just the kind that took in strays.

I shook my head, "No, I do it because I can, have to. Nobody else can pilot Eva, won't work for anyone but me, or Ayanami, not really. Have to fight, s'why I can't jump. It's what makes me fight, lets me keep going. Find something worth dying for, then fight for it for as long as you can before you do."

"You're still just a kid. When I was your age I couldn't decide which girl I liked more, and you're fighting wars. It's not all right, it's no wonder you're so upset. Look, we'll get you sobered up and keep you away from your C.O. for a while till you're more presentable alright? Lucky that I've got friends in the local P.D. and found you before she did, or hell, before _my _C.O. did," he explained. His voice was tense, nervous. Not... nervous, he didn't seem intimidated, just not quite sure how to proceed. Was he supposed to treat me like a subordinate or like a kid?

"Heh, you know, I could tell you a story. You wouldn't believe me, not without seeing the fight we had up north of the strait. I've seen more than you might think, old soul you could say," I finished with a bitter laugh.

"You might be surprised what I might believe, not every day a little blue haired girl flies a fighter jet into town," he said with a hint of a smirk and a glance out of the corner of his eye.

"Like I said, old soul. Besides, fighting world-ending horrors has a way of changing a person. You should come to Japan and check it out some time. You might enjoy yourself, could be fun," I offered with a shrug as I started to lean on the door. Alcohol hadn't really fully kicked in, I was just along for the ride at this point.

"I might think you were hitting on me if you didn't seem to serious. Say, this doesn't really seem like it's your first rodeo, how good are you at faking sober?" He asked as we stopped a light, he turned to face me.

"I'm alright, why?" I asked, straightening up and licking my lip.

"Let's get some food into you and try not to get arrested for contributing to the delinquency of a minor."

"alright," I answered. "I'll take steak."

XXXXXXX

"Denny's, not what I expected, but I'll take it," I said with a goofy grin. First real American food and it was... well actually Denny's was a pretty good representative picture of hangover dining and late nights filled with regret.

"You've had it before? And here I was hoping it would be your first time," He said with a shrug.

I coughed into my hand, did he actually mean to say that or was it one of those things that just came out?

"Ah yeah, show a girl to a Denny's and she's putty in your hands, as long as she's from south of Tennessee, right?" I asked as I sipped on my coke. Coke, god how I'd missed coke. Somehow they managed to never have it when I was in Japan. The little things.

"And here I thought you were supposed to be from Japan."

"I think making fun of the American south is something the whole world can enjoy isn't it?" I said with a laugh. I poked at my food, and ate another bite. No steak, but pancakes and eggs was a decent substitute. He was buying, couldn't really complain.

"You may be right. So, how do you get away with the hair?" he asked, pointing is fork at me. Gesturing with food utensils, a glorious lack of manners, how I'd missed thee.

"Well, my dad is the Commander of Nerv, I think that helps," I said with a grin, might not have been the truth, but never let the truth get in the way of a good story. Not that it wasn't technically true, I was just pretty sure that wasn't why they gave me any shit about my hair. Not that Ayanami's hair was any better, but I was pretty sure hers did _not_ come out of a bottle.

"I don't think it would hurt, no. So if you're the commander's kid, why does he send you out to fight?" He asked, chewing on the corner of his sandwich. Cheese steak, damn, I should have had that. Pancakes were fine though.

I shrugged, "Nobody else can. Don't know the specifics of it, anybody born after a certain year... bad things happen. You pilot with your brain, combination of physical controls and a mental link. Kinda like wearing a bigger body over your current body, pretty weird. Doesn't work too good with the pre-impact people I guess."

"That does seem a little weird. I think I'll take the hands on throttle and stick approach to my combat vehicle operation, thank you very much," He said with a chuckle.

I had to fight the smirk off my face, ah, euphemisms how I adore thee.

"Yeah, I can see that. I don't suppose you want to trade jets? You know, straight across. I'll take the Raptor, you can have my Viper Zero, I'll even throw Misato in. She doesn't really know how to WSO, but you're a smart guy so you can probably handle the extra workload up front, eh?" I offered with a suggestive waggle of my eyebrows.

"That sounds like a spectacular deal, but I don't want to go to prison, so I'll have to turn down the offer. If I hadn't seen it, I'd probably not believe that you can fly that thing," he continued, taking another bite of that steak sandwich... thinking with my stomach again, damn.

"That's not, strictly speaking, my skill set. You should see me in the front seat of a mud-hen. Single engine isn't really my schtick," I said conversationally around a mouthful of pancake. Maybe I was sobering up, maybe not. Food was a good distraction, as was conversation.

"Which then begs the question of where you found one of those to play with," he said with a cocked eyebrow, pointing is fork at me again.

I shrugged, "Girl's gotta have her secrets."

"There are certainly enough of those going around. Well, I was going to wait and tell the both of you, since I've somehow been volunteered to be your keeper. We're going to leave tomorrow for California to finish the refit on your F-2, there are some parts we don't have, then we're going to escort you across the pacific," He explained. Just sharing classified intel in public? Then again, the place was empty and the waitress was on the other side of the dining room chatting up the cook.

"I break it or something?" I asked with a frown.

"Overstressed the inboard pylons, cracks in them, or that's what they said. You must have really beat the hell out of that thing, eh?"

"Well, supersonic dive to release the mark eighty-fours, then a high-g pull out with full drop tanks... I can see that being a little much, yeah." I leaned back in the seat and looked up at the ceiling tile. Yeah that was a hell of a thing wasn't it?

"That seems dangerous and excessive."

I shook my head, "Angels are... well there's really nothing else like it. They've got this thing called an AT field, can't get through it without one of your own, so until another Evangelion neutralizes it or weakens it, you can't get through without something on par with a nuclear blast. Even after you get through it, they're almost supernaturally tough. You've got to destroy the red orb in their chest, the core."

He nodded, "So, how tough then?"

"I put a two hundred millimeter AP round out of an auto-cannon into it and it didn't penetrate, got stuck half way in. I had to punch it the rest of the way in with the Evangelion's fist, then yanked on the loud handle because these guys like to self destruct to try to take you out with them sometimes," I explained. Yeah, that was... not the very best thing I'd ever done.

"Explode? Speaking from personal experience? How'd that work out for you?" He seemed interested. Two pilots sharing war stories eh? Alright.

"Like a daisy cutter to the face. Cracked my arm. Finished the job in the next fight when I was trying to get the other pilot out of her entry plug. Pulled the release latch too hard and split the bone. Felt like heaven," I explained, waving my cast-encased arm at him.

"So, that's like an escape capsule then, I guess?"

"Entire cockpit slides completely out of the unit, you get into the plug, then they screw it into the Evangelion's spine, and fill it with breathing fluid. You also get these really tight rubber-ish body suits that leave absolutely no curve to the imagination. Modesty doesn't exist for Eva pilots, apparently." I shrugged. If I was to be completely honest, I looked good in the thing, but that didn't mean I wanted to show off for the whole world.

Misato on the other hand...

I coughed. "Anyway, in that fight, her unit got superheated and I was afraid she'd be done for from the heat if I didn't get her out, so I just kept pushing till the hatch popped open and I could get her out. Broke my arm but, eh, worth it you know?"

"Sounds like you've been through some shit then, I guess I didn't really consider what it would be like. Figured if they had a kid doing it then it was some super robot like in the old Anime. Just sit in the cockpit and win with ease. Should have known better. You're alright kid. Stay away from the bottle, and when you come out the other side of this, you'll see it gets better," He put his hand on my shoulder across the table. It made me feel... small, like I really was the tiny little girl.

Friggin' Japanese Genetics.

I was absolutely within the proper size for my age!

Hmm, yeah, get mad at the things that don't even matter, you're totally sober.

"You're probably right, just having a hard time the last few days, keeping my head in the game. Lot going on in my life, this war and everything else. Nightmare woke me up, threw up, and hit the bottle. Things that you don't wanna remember. I'll be okay, got this far right? Just dig in and keep going. Maybe get a therapist who's name isn't Beam, Daniels, or Walker, eh?" I slumped down in the chair and sighed,

My head felt light, off balance. Alcohol still had me firmly in its grip I was no good like this, couldn't handle the alcohol, too small, too inexperienced. That was fine, maybe I'd forget, but I doubted it. I never forgot when I drank, or, well _she _didn't forget. We weren't the same person, I could tell that more, the more I looked at it. She wouldn't have done what I did, wouldn't have reacted like that.

I licked my bottom lip, "I think I should get back to my room, sleep this off."

"You're not wrong. Let's go."

XXXXXXX

I woke up with my face smashed between the mattress and the headboard, the pillow was under my right arm and pressed against the back of my head, the covers were kicked off, and I felt the cool air on the bare skin of my thighs.

The wonders of drunken thrashing and western beds. I'd lost my pants at some point between the Denny's and this morning. He wouldn't, would he? I cracked my eyes open and rolled over, shirt was there, bra intact. Underwear... yeah. Okay, so that didn't happen.

Good.

I groaned as I sat up in the bed, the sudden movement set off the hangover I knew I'd have when I popped that first bottle open. I squeezed my eyes shut and opened them again. Pants, there they were, hung over a chair on the opposite side of the room. Neatly folded.

Further proof that shenanigans didn't take place last night. Good. That wasn't something I was ready for, and I was pretty sure that Becket was better than that, wouldn't take advantage of a drink minor.

I heard the lock rattle and turned as the door popped open, a dressed and groomed Misato greeted me as the door swung open. "Enjoy your walk last night?"

"Yeah, super enlightening. What's up?" I asked while wincing away from the light.

"Hangover face huh? That's something I'm used to only seeing in the mirror. Shower up and put your pants on, Nerv just spent a few billion yen on you. We're leaving in a few hours to California, then headed back to Japan," She explained as she walked into the room and set down a burlap sack.

"Few billion... Did Nerv buy me a fighter jet?" My eyes widened, eyebrows rose up under my bangs. Hell of an impulse buy.

"Nerv bought themselves a fighter jet, because you stole it... technically speaking. The Japanese government insisted that they foot the bill... so I insisted that we keep the jet."

"I guess my paranoia is rubbing off on you huh? Nerv's own fighter jet wonder what we'll use that for," I mused as I crawled onto my feet and shuffled towards the bathroom.

"Well, I'm sure I'll think of something to justify it to the budget committee, but the truth is it cost a lot less than the repair costs of unit one after the last battle. At the very least we can use it for surveillance," she explained as she started to unpack the bag.

I winced as my shirt caught on my cast, then threw it in the corner of the room and poked my head out of the open bathroom door, "I was thinking more along the lines of 'emergency run-away' vehicle."

She turned and looked at me, then frowned, "You should eat more."

I blinked and looked down. I wasn't fit or anything, but I wasn't fat, couldn't see my ribs. Not built, not fat, not skinny, just... average. "Why? I think I look fine."

"Yeah, but you're making me look bad!" She shot back with a pout, and then a smirk and a laugh.

I sighed and pushed my hand up into my hair. Yeah, definitely not the only teenager in this room. I turned back into the bathroom and spun the shower knob to let the water heat up, "You know, you'd look better if you drank less and worked out more, if you're that worried about it!"

I closed the door and finished undressing, and it was as I was stepping into the shower that the door slammed open and the pair of neatly folded jeans that I'd left hanging on a chair crashed into the side of my head.

Definitely not the only teenager in the room.


	12. Gun Shy

Chapter 12:  
Gun Shy

* * *

The ride to the airbase was less eventful than the previous night's activities. An unmarked car had picked us up at our hotel. The interior had smelled like fresh adhesive and new carpeting. Either a refurb or a brand new car. I wasn't familiar with the model, but it looked like Ford had built the thing.

More changes. If I'd have really put thought to it, there should never have been an F-2 on an aircraft carrier, let alone one with a naval arrestor hook, and yet that's what we had. A world that made little sense and seemed to operate on laws of physics that made the square cube law look more like a polite suggestion.

Whatever it was that had made the Evangelions able to exist, if you could apply those same rules and techniques, you could probably make a flying battleship.

That was an interesting thought. Maybe that was just an inevitability of the technology though. Given enough time, hydrogen will start to wonder where it came from. Evolution.

The new flight suit, in the same canary yellow as my plugsuit, as my school vest, was a nice touch, actually being cut to fit me was a welcome change from the borrowed suit from before. The name-tape said 'Iris', and the package that it arrived in indicated that it had been sent Federal Express next day air.

Apparently they never changed their name in this world. More changes.

The walk from the locker rooms to the flight line was silent, whether anything had needed to be said or not, we held our tongues and walked. Just as well, I hadn't any idea what I would say, what I could say, anyway.

But then, the smell of jet fuel and truck exhaust hit my nostrils and a wave of nostalgia for a life I'd never lived rushed through me, and I couldn't help but crack a smile. What I enjoyed, what she had enjoyed, in this one thing, I was sure that given the chance, even without those memories she gave me, this would have been fun for me.

And like her, I had people counting on me, people I cared about, people I needed to protect. The sooner I got back to Japan, the sooner I could end all of this, win this war, and... well, I'd have my whole life ahead of me then, wouldn't I? Could do anything.

I licked my bottom lip and stared across the tarmac, at that deep blue fighter jet sitting on the pad. Looked like it was going mach two while sitting still. I could do that, after all was said and done. Stay a pilot, just a different kind, not an Evangelion pilot anymore.

Maybe.

The external weapons racks were replenished, surprisingly. The center fuel tank wasn't replaced, that made sense, Becket had said the pylon was damaged, that would explain why the entire thing had been removed.

Two tanks would be enough to make it to where we were going, if not, that's what a KC-10 was for, right? More surprising were the six AMRAAMs and two Sidewinders mounted to the wings. They either trusted me, or were more afraid of somebody else than they distrusted me. I wasn't sure which of the two would make me feel better.

If they trusted me that much, they either knew something I didn't, or somebody was lying to them, or they were just too trusting in general. The last one seemed the least likely.

I cracked my neck and stepped out of the truck and down onto the tarmac, felt the chill in the air and stretched my muscles. California time, or however much of it was left anyway. I had to wonder that. The other me had never been to Japan, so I had no frame of reference for a pre-impact Japan.

But I did know what the United States had been like, I had to wonder, then, how different the rest of it would be.

"Hey there Iris, I see you got my present."

I blinked and turned my head, Becket was walking over, grin from ear to ear, "Hey there... bucket..." I muttered out in confusion. "You got me the flight suit?"

He laughed and shook his head, I felt my cheeks heat up. "No, not the flight suit, the name! It's an acronym," he said with a smug grin as he pointed at the name-tape over my left breast.

Oh god, he'd given me a call-sign, and it was an acronym. I could think of many things it might be, and none of them were good.

I sighed and slumped my shoulders, blinked slowly and then looked up at him, "Alright, let's hear it..."

Defeated, vanquished, conquered. He had won, I had only await my fate...

"I Require Intense Supervision. Iris. Thought that was appropriate for you. Now you're one of us, at least for the time being," He explained as he ruffled up my hair.

I blushed and fidgeted, frowned. At least it didn't involve genitalia or sexual proclivities. Small favors.

I turned back towards my jet and frowned at the fully populated pylons, "We expecting trouble? That's a lot of boom hanging off my fighter."

"You can fly unarmed if it'll make you feel better-"

"No, no that's fine!" I answered hurriedly, "it's perfectly fine."

XXXXXXX

I swallowed hard, my mouth dry from the processed air, my hand shaking on the stick. Easy girl, you got this. You've done it before, you can do it now, even without an Angel bearing down on you. I clenched my eyes and then forced them open, let out a breath I hadn't realized I'd been holding.

My left arm had a dull ache inside the cast, but my fingers were firm on the throttle, the vibration of the turbine under me was soothing in its own way, reminding me of the power of the vehicle I was strapped to.

The jet to my left, the other to my right. Raptors, flown by people who I'd only just met, and yet could count among my friends. A fraternity of rare membership indeed.

Far below the clouds, the coastline stretched out in front of us towards the horizon. Our course, as I'd been told, would take us along the coast the entire way, avoiding the open water for reasons that I wasn't told, not that I'd asked anyway.

I didn't really know the political climate of this world, with the second impact having just been fifteen years before... well, we felt the attack on the world trade center for just as long, there could be any number of military concerns with straying too far from the coast, even with the Angels around.

People would fight for the best, and for the _worst_ reasons.

My mouth felt dry, I licked my lip and pushed the throttle forward as the escort Raptors started to pull ahead. The airspeed indicator rose higher, higher. "Bucket, what's up?"

"_New Intel, Iris, accelerate to best speed for Travis. Maintain formation."_

I blinked and slid the throttle forward, felt the lurch of the afterburner lighting, then the radar warning receiver chirped in my ear, my eyes slid down to the panel. "Mudspike, bearing two-five-zero, range unknown-" A harsher shrill tone pierced my ear, my blood ran cold.

I turned my head and looked out at the ocean, saw that plume. Fuck. "SAM Launch, bearing two-five zero, range fifty."

Becket's voice crackled back through the radio, _"Cylon one-two sliceback, slapshot two-five-zero. Cylon one-three, scram one eight zero."_

Telling me to run away? Fine, fine just this one time. I was the most likely to die here anyway right? Not flying a stealth fighter, I was the high value target here. "Roger Cylon one-one."

I pushed the stick forward and rolled to the left, diving down and towards the coast, "Misato hold on back there, it's going to get rough!"

Rough, that was not even the half of it. The engine screamed as the aircraft shook, and then in an instant we passed through mach two and I leveled off, keeping my eye on the RWR as we cannon-balled towards the coast. Endurance would be hampered at this speed, but it gave me time, and we had the fuel to make Travis either way.

But I was getting sick of this. Fight, run, fight, run. People trying to kill me, Angels trying to kill me, what was the difference? I was tired of my life being in peril, being at the mercy of fuel quantity and mechanics, having to run, being helpless.

The RWR pinged again, this time ahead and to the right of me, what the hell was going on? "Cylon one-three, radar spike one eight zero, range one zero zero."

I looked into the mirror, and back down at the RWR, the SAM was locked onto one of the raptors, not me, it wasn't tracking with my evasion, good enough for now. The airborne contact was more troublesome.

I toggled the master arm switch to on and cycled through my weapons stores to the AIM-120s, and looked down at my radar display as a contact lit up. "Cylon one-three, contact, bogey at one eight zero, tracking zero one five."

Becket came back on the channel, his voice strained, _"Bandit at one eight zero, weapons free."_

Adrenaline pumped through my veins. Fighting the Angel had been one thing, engaging in an air to air battle was entirely another, and my hands shook on the controls for a moment as my heart pounded in my chest.

I throttled back out of the afterburner and came right to one eight zero, rolled the hat switch over to the radar contact and locked on, the shrill tone sounded in my ear and I hesitated. No, this is important, isn't it? This is what _she_ trained for, this is what my burden was. This was an inevitability from the moment I climbed up the ladder into this cockpit on the _Kuztnetsov._

And I had every reason to keep going, sitting right behind me in the back seat. I blinked the tears out of my eyes, and shook my head. No, I couldn't think about this right now, not what I was about to do. That was something later, for when this was over and I had a chance to decompress. It wasn't a person, it was a plane, a contact, a radar blip.

Right.

"Cylon one-three, fox three," my voice cracked into the radio and I pressed the firing stud. The aircraft jolted slightly as the missile released from the pylon, then streaked out ahead of me, towards the rapidly closing bandit. The enemy aircraft.

The opposing jet broke in a sharp ninety degree turn and started dropping chaff and flares as it tore away from me, my missile still tracked in on it. Target fixation, that's what they called it, but I couldn't help myself, my eyes zeroed in on that jet and I pushed the throttle up, nosed over for an intercept shot.

He hadn't fired a missile at me, for whatever reason, but that was his mistake, and now I had the upper hand.

The missile tracked in on the jet... and missed wide. I called up the twenty millimeter and pushed the attack, closing in enough to see... an F-4 Phantom? Who the hell was attacking me, the nineteen-seventies?

"One-three to one-one, bandit is an F-4, repeat, bandit is an F-4. Bucket what the hell is going on?" I yelled into the radio.

"_One-three, press bandit."_

That simple? Just the two words, were two lives worth that? No Rei, it's fine, I see you're concerned, go shoot them down anyway. The Phantom was a two-seater, just like my F-2, "Misato, this feels wrong," I said into the intercom, "one fighter, and it hasn't fired? Something is wrong here."

I looked at the jet in front of me, he had missiles, I could see them, along with the drop tanks, and he was running hot. What was the game here? Missiles, I could fire a sidewinder right up his exhaust at this range and yet...

There were two people, two human beings in that plane, and maybe that other girl would have been able to call out 'fox two' and sleep at night afterward.

But I couldn't. Not if there was another possibility, a better way. No, we were different, different in that way. I wasn't ready to kill, not just yet. "Misato, I'm... I'm going to try something, I... It might work. I'm just glad I'm not in Becket's chain of command."

"Rei, whatever you have to do, I can't... I can't, I _won't _order you to shoot them down, but you've got to do something, alright?" She said from behind me, why did she had to keep deferring to me on this? Did she think I was an expert here? Maybe, maybe I knew how to fly it, how to fight with it, but making these kind of decisions? Isn't that her job?

Fine.

I toggled the radio over to the guard frequency and keyed up, "Unidentified F-4 fighter, disarm immediately and come right to one eight zero, reduce airspeed and lower your landing gear. You will be escorted Travis air-force base. If you fail to comply I will shoot you down. Do you understand?"

The waiting was the hardest part, the seconds each felt like a small eternity as I stared at the jet in front of me, perfectly centered in my targeting reticule, his RWR must have been screaming that I had a lock on him.

In a moment, he started to slow, and I eased back on my own throttle. Well, that was part of the compliance, right? I still waited, as he had yet to turn, just slow down, what was his game?

The radio crackled and a woman's voice came through, _"So, it is _you_ in that aircraft? If you were willing to fire another missile you'd have done it already. You don't have the stomach for killing us... but as it happens, I seem to have the same problem when it comes to killing children. There might yet be hope for you, Miss Rei Ikari."_

"What the hell?" I muttered into the intercom, "She knows who I am? Misato who did you tell where we were?"

"Rei, it's not like it's a very well kept secret, you weren't exactly covert about _any_ of this. It's no surprise that somebody else knew who was flying this jet. It stands out." She explained.

She wasn't wrong, and I was stupid for thinking otherwise. Fine. That didn't really explain who or why though.

I was distracted by my thoughts and nearly reacted too late: the F-4 pulled up and leveled off above me then jettisoned the external stores. I jammed the stick forward and pulled the throttle back to idle, felt myself pressing into the harness strapping me into the seat as we pulled a few negative G's.

I gritted my teeth and pulled back on the stick, we'd lost altitude and airspeed, I looked up through he canopy, the phantom was running afterburners and pulling away. Running, wouldn't let me take them alive, but not willing to kill me?

I shook my head, not worth it. Not worth dying or killing over, right?

"Cylon One-Three, aborting intercept. Returning to original course for Travis."

"You let her go," Misato said from behind me. I couldn't read the emotion in her voice.

"You don't approve?" I asked with an edge in my voice. Was she really going to...?

"No, it's fine. You're a compassionate girl, Rei. You didn't do anything wrong... But Becket might not see it that way. No, I'm more worried about what that woman said to you. And I'm worried about everyone that heard it, now."

I blinked and leaned back in the seat, my eyes scanning the radar display. She had a good point, the guard frequency was completely unencrypted, and with that information being broadcast, everyone in range would have been able to hear the conversation.

I had a nagging fear in the back of my mind that instead of arresting the flight crew of that F-4, I might be the one wearing new silver bracelets instead, once we landed at Travis.

"She could have pulled the trigger. That other girl." I said simply as I leaned back in the seat and closed my eyes, "I really am someone else."

"Don't say it like it's a bad thing."

Something was still nagging at me though, beyond my introspection and inability to pull the trigger. We 'd split up, not by a lot, the Raptors were still close by. One phantom tried to intercept me, but didn't fire, then... confirmed who was flying the aircraft in a radio transmission, and fled. Phantom couldn't beat me in a turning fight, I could out maneuver one even on a _bad_ day,

But it could outrun me. She never even tried to shoot back, she just got my attention, got me to talk to her, confirmed who I was... and got me to chase her. She knew where I was, knew where my escort was...

Oh no.

"Cylon one-three, one-one, There's a second SAM site. Possible S-400 missile system. Phantom was a decoy, they have range and bearing, one-three's identity has been compromised."

"_Proceed on course, one-one and one-two will merge in fifteen, stand by." _Becket called back over the radio. I looked up in the mirror, sure enough the raptors were closing in fast from my six.

"_One-two, RWR is clean and naked, no inbound radar detected." _The other Raptor pilot said.

"It's there, I've got this sick feeling in my gut like I've got a gun pointed at my head. Phantom was bait, and we bit the hook. I think... I think that she was just up here to confirm who I was, but then she left like that? No, I'm telling you there's something else out there!" I yelled into the radio, felt my palms sweating up, cast on my arm was itchy as hell. Something was wrong, or I was losing my mind.

"_Alright... That's not that far fetched. Take it down to the treetops. I'll contact Travis for AWACS support." _Becket came back, again.

I eased the stick forward and kept the throttle high. It was a risky proposition but I'd back out of it when we got lower down. I had to conserve enough fuel to make it to Travis, but at the same time, I needed to get out of the area before the SAM I suspected was out there went hot.

None of this made sense though, was second impact that much of a game changer for the US? Hostile aircraft over the continental US? SAM sites on the ocean? This was wrong in ways that the most paranoid people wouldn't have even pretended to think, from what that other girl remembered.

This world though, my world, this was... this damaged? Was that the right word? What would I call it...

I licked my bottom lip and pushed the stick forward a little harder, the altimeter dropped as airspeed rose, the fuel gauge was dropping rapidly as the fuel pumps ran wide open to keep the afterburner lit. I wouldn't last ten minutes like this, but I wouldn't have to hold it for much longer.

I passed under five thousand and started to bring the stick back, and throttled down. The idea was sound, if there was a very long range SAM operating out there, being on the deck would dramatically reduce detection range, but it would also make us extremely vulnerable to any hostile aircraft.

If I was right, this would keep us safe. If I was wrong, it would burn a lot of fuel and piss off a lot of civilians on the ground. If I was right, but they also had more birds in the sky... well, we were dead anyway.

"_Plume at nine high, looks like they fired in lock after launch. We're out of gimbal, no pings on the RWR. Good call, Iris."_

I licked my lip and smiled, "Well, gotta get them right once in a while, eh, Bucket?"


	13. 2 plus 2

Chapter 13:

2 + 2

I reached a point where I was certain, without a doubt at all, that I'd fully and completely lost my mind. It would have been more comforting for me to believe that I was still that other girl, from that other world, that I was in a coma experiencing this elaborate hallucination and that none of it was real.

A desperate hope that everything I was experiencing wasn't real, that the stress, confusion, and fear weren't real. It would have made it easier to cope, easier to play along, right?

The pain in my mouth when I bit my tongue, that was real, too real. Fingernails digging into my palm, the itch and ache of my broken arm in the cast, the rough feeling of the textured throttle lever. No, it was all too real.

The rocking of the aircraft, the buffeting of the wind, the feeling of the G forces, sound of my own voice? All the things that dreams got wrong, things that would tip you off, make you realize you were asleep. I'd been able to lucid dream before, knew enough to notice.

I sighed and eased back on the throttle, blinked my eyes and shook my head. Pay attention to one thing at a time Rei, don't get lose in thoughts, don't lament what wasn't and what can't be, fly the plane. I licked my bottom lip and turned my head to the side of the canopy. Raptor on my right, there was another still on my left. Still in formation.

They hadn't ordered me to disarm, hadn't treated me like I'd disobeyed orders, but then... maybe I didn't have to obey them anyway, they weren't in any chain of command that I was part of, were they? No, Nerv authority superseded their own, at least in matters where I was concerned.

I toggled the gear down, deployed flaps, and eased back on the throttle some more. Runway in sight, altitude dropping, airspeed dropping. Formation landing, because why not right? I'd have preferred to come in solo, but Becket had insisted.

The airbase though, I remembered it, from those memories I was given. She'd been here before, I hadn't. It looked different than I remembered. Fewer buildings, lots of craters. There'd been a battle here, but it didn't look fresh.

I eased back on the stick as we crossed the runway threshold. Twenty, ten, touchdown. "and... boards out, brakes on..." I muttered under my breath as I throttled down to idle. The g-forces from the deceleration pressed me against my harness, but nothing I could deal with.

My eyes scanned the runway in front of me. As the plane on the left, I would take the taxiway first, and Becket would follow, but that meant I had to find it first.

Red. A big red head.

I blinked, turned my head to the side, between two of the hangers, under a camo tarp, there was red paint, a lot of red paint. I'd caught it out of the corner of my eye, and having looked at it, paled. Unit Two was here, for some reason. Was it that time already? The fleet was already on their way to Japan, how was Unit Two supposed to get to Japan from here? What was it even doing here? More IPEA shenanigans or something else?

My right hand clenched on the stick as I stepped into the left rudder. If Two was here, that meant the pilot was close by right? Was that why they'd directed us here, or was that just a _happy_ coincidence? Was this the reason for the intercept before? They couldn't hit the base to take out the Evangelion, so they figured they'd do the next best and take out one of the pilots?

No, that didn't make sense, they'd only have decommissioned one pilot, and not the one for this unit either.

I steered the jet over into parking as a member of the ground crew waved me in, a fuel truck and a utility truck with the Nerv fig leaf were waiting for me.

"Moment of truth..." I muttered to Misato as we rolled to a stop, "Nerv's here, time to face the music."

"I'm sure it'll be fine Rei."

xxx

The thick nostalgic scent of the jet fuel mingled with the sweet coppery scent of the LCL in a way that almost made me vomit, and I still couldn't keep the grin off my face despite that. Unit Two, in the flesh, right in front of me. It was _cool_. I mean, aesthetically, Two looked awesome. The fact that I wasn't the only game in town made things even sweeter.

You never appreciate how comfortable that eighty meter engine of destruction made you feel until you no longer have it by your side and ready to go.

"Just when I was getting used to the cold," Misato complained, "we had to go and ruin it by heading south."

"Misato, do you ever feel like you've gotten way too Jaded?" I asked with a raised eyebrow. I jerked my head towards the gigantic leg of Unit Two over to our left. "I mean, we're standing next to an eighty meter biomech that can kill space monsters, while standing in the middle of a military base, and we just got out of a fighter jet. The future is _now_ and you're complaining about the heat."

"It's hot out, it's uncomfortable and my legs hurt from being stuck in that cockpit for hours, I think I'm allowed to vent a little, Rei." she replied with a nonchalant shrug as she turned to walk towards a small portable building set up alongside a row of Nerv-marked crates.

"Oh come on Misato, where's your sense of wonder?"

"It's wondering where our contact is, and if this building has air conditioning. You're welcome to join me."

I rolled my eyes and followed her towards the door. The building was a sort of tan corrugated sheet metal rectangle, like the kind that they moved around on a flatbed trailer behind a semi truck. No windows, one door, and an air conditioner sticking out of the side of it.

Well, it was better than boiling in my own sweat. I couldn't exactly just sit in the Viper with the engine running and the air conditioner on, could I? I could not.

Although the mental image of sitting in a fighter jet idling in the parking lot of a 7-11 while Misato went inside for snacks was a delightfully hilarious one.

I shook my head and reached into the zippered pocket on the right leg of my flight suit, found what I was looking for, and stepped through the door and into the cold rush of air conditioning. I picked at the wrapper as my eyes adjusted to the room, shapes quickly shifted into focus and-

Red.

I bit down on the end of the granola bar and crunched it slowly between my teeth as my eyes drifted from _Red_ and over to Misato, and then back again. Plug suit, nerve clips. Yep, Eva pilot. "So, Unit Two looks pretty red, eh _Red_?" I asked as I crunched another chunk off the snack bar.

The girl sneered at me, her face bordering between disgust and dismissal, "Rei Ikari I presume? Your reputation precedes you. Shouldn't you be in Japan, protecting everyone from Angel attacks? Reckless!"

I crunched down on the granola and stared at the person in front of me, the girl. My age, little slimmer figure, smaller chest. I could take pride in my superiority in _that_ regard anyway.

I shrugged stared at her blankly, "Well, I _did_ kill an Angel with a fighter jet, so there's that."

She snorted and laughed, "Well, you might be a rookie Evangelion pilot, but… I suppose I do have to give you that one, even if you had help."

Woah, crazy girl, totally shifting gears like that? What was she playing at? Testing me or out of her mind?

"What Asuka is _trying to say_," Misato started with a harsh look at the other girl, "is that she's pleased to meet you and is glad that we'll be traveling together back to Japan, and now that we're here we can get ready to leave, right?"

"Oh yeah totally that," Asuka replied, looking over at me with… amusement? "Let's go with that. California was boring me anyway."

I pushed the rest of the bar into my mouth and crunched down. It wasn't perfect by any means, not a steak, or even a hamburger, in terms of satisfaction. But, it took the edge off, and the crunchiness was satisfying.

I turned my eyes to Misato, then shrugged. This chance meeting, if it really was chance, wasn't really my thing. The flight over, the stress from that, the night before? I was more than a little exhausted, physically and emotionally and, well…

I dropped the wrapper on the table and turned around for the door and made it three steps when I heard something from outside, a sort of metallic squeal, and the roar of a diesel engine. My hand touched the door handle, and I shoved it open for a quick look outside.

My eyes took a few seconds to adjust to the brightness, then I saw the source of that diesel engine sound; an eight by eight boom truck was driving past, and _my F-2 was hanging off the boom_. "Well, that's different..."

I shook my head and stepped backwards back into the room, and turned around, licked my bottom lip. "Misato, some people are stealing our jet."

I almost couldn't believe it, not necessarily that the jet would be moved, that wasn't difficult to comprehend. No, that they were using a crane to do it? What the hell was the point of that? I looked out ahead of the truck, down the tarmac, towards the… oh.

"Rei? Who's doing what?" I heard Misato's footsteps approaching from behind on the steel floor, click clack. I heard, but I couldn't really spare the attention to care.

At the far end of the pair of parallel runways that ran the length of the airbase, and finally without the camouflage netting covering it, I witnessed the largest aircraft that I had ever seen in my life, possibly the largest that had ever been built. A twin boom flying wing with an elevated cavity along the center-line, more engines than I could count, and a large aerodynamic pod with two huge red feet sticking out of it.

The square cube law wasn't even a polite suggestion, it was bullshit.

That this thing could even pretend to fly, let alone fly with an Evangelion slung under it? The rational human being inside me couldn't fathom this thing flying without snapping itself in half, and the pilot in me wanted hands on throttle and stick.

Nothing like an F-2 or an F-16 though, it probably flew like a fright train. Fast by necessity and with a turning radius the size of Montana.

...were they going to load my jet onto that thing?

"I see you've noticed my ride. Pretty cool huh?"

My eyebrow twitched and I looked over towards the sound of the voice. Asuka was peeking out of the door next to me and she had a smug smirk plastered on her face.

"Eh… Mine's faster."

"_Mine_ is bigger," She growled back.

I felt a hand on my shoulder and heard the chuckle behind me, "Girls, you're both pretty. If you're done bickering, I've got to make some calls."

I shrugged and waved my hand, "Don't worry about it Misato, I'm fine. In fact, I'm going to go check out that big plane."

"Well, take Asuka with you then. You girls are going to need to learn to get along with each other. I wouldn't want to have to turn the plane around half way to Japan."

xxx

Jet fuel, hydraulic fluid, smoke, and the acrid stench of a plasma arc. The kind of things that made a girl feel right at home. Well, made me feel at home anyway. Asuka probably wouldn't agree, but what did she know anyway?

The plane, this Evangelion transport, was bigger than I had imagined, at a distance it was really hard to get a handle on the scale of the thing. A gigantic flying wing with a cavity underneath it to hold the Eva, that much I had seen from the other end of the airfield, but once I got up close I figured out exactly where they were putting _my _plane.

The thing had an elevator on it, and it was this elevator that we took from the tarmac up to the small cargo bay situated above the Evangelion docking equipment. The compartment was expansive, you could probably have fit half a squadron of fighter jets and the requisite support vehicles and equipment in it, with room to spare.

I licked my lip and looked around the room, workers were almost frantically scurrying about, running through checklists or maintenance work. A few people were inspecting the shipping containers that took up a full half of the bay; likely equipment for the Evangelion slung underneath.

"So, how did you break your arm?"

I froze at the sound of the voice, I'd been lost in my thoughts. I looked over at Asuka, then back to my left arm. I rolled it over and worked my fingers. It still itched, but I'd managed to stop thinking about it so much lately, with everything else going on.

"I'm sure you've read the after action report," I said simply and looked away, towards the open hatch that the F-2 was being loaded in through. Why would she care? We just met and our first interactions weren't exactly full of love.

"I read the reports, but… I wanted to hear it from the horse's mouth," She answered with a non-committal shrug. Right, you want to hear me say it… because? Fine.

"I cracked it during a plug ejection, and broke it when I forced the hatch release on Ayanami's entry-plug. She was okay though, so it all worked out okay in the end," I explained, absently clenching my left hand into a fist.

"Well, okay except that your broke your arm huh?" She answered back. I couldn't read a motive in her voice, no inflection that would give away exactly what it was she was trying to get at. She wasn't being flat, not like Ayanami, she just sounded… bored?

I shook my head, "I won't let anyone get hurt trying to protect me, if I can help it. I think… I think she was willing to die to save me, I just wasn't willing to let her go through with it."

"Well aren't you just the heroic soldier," She snipped.

I felt the cast material cracking in my hand as I clenched, "N-no, that's not it at all," I ground out through grit teeth, "nobody dies for me, not if I can help it. I haven't done anything to earn that kind of loyalty."

I relaxed a little and turned to her. All those memories coming back, now, in front of her? "I don't think… That I could live with the guilt."

"But you're okay killing yourself to save other people? That's a bit hypocritical don't you think, Ikari?" She pressed, she leaned towards me, invaded my space a little. I guessed she was trying to play on the Japanese propensity to avoid physical contact?

I signed and leaned against a crate and looked up at the ceiling, "Well… it wouldn't be the first time. You might be right Asuka."

"You take the fun out of it when you just agree with me, you know that right?" She said with a smirk as she leaned next to me, she seemed relaxed. Was she trying to piss me of or just figure out my limits?

"So," I asked, looking over her plugsuit-clad form. I felt a blush rise on my cheeks a little as my eyes traced along her- "eh, so why are you wearing that anyway? Just want the world to know you're an Eva pilot? Is that why you do this?"

She curled down the corner of her lip and looked into the distance, "I guess you could say that. Piloting Evangelion is my way of telling the world I'm important. It's something I'm good at, so why wouldn't I want everyone to know how great I am, right?"

I stared into the palm of my right hand and frowned, "I guess that's as good a reason as any..." I trailed off. I was really looking at Asuka like this? With a blush and wandering eyes? I just met her, pretty sure I didn't really like her…

"So what about you?" She asked and leaned forward, away from the crate, and turned to face me. "What makes you pilot Eva?"

I stared back down into my hand and clenched it into a fist. What was the reason? The one I'd been telling myself? "Because I can. It's… an obligation, I guess. I can protect people, and because I have the ability, I have the obligation to fight. I can't just stand by and do nothing if there's something I _can_ do. Hell, when I didn't have an Evangelion I stole a fighter jet and went five rounds with an Angel."

"So, you _do _think you're a hero eh, Ikari?" She prodded with a smirk.

I laughed and shook my head, "No, just stupid, but I guess there really isn't that much of a difference, huh?"

"Hah, stupid Ikari. I kinda like the way that sounds," She laughed, and my blush returned.

Great, that was just what I needed.

"So there you two are. We're leaving soon, non stop to Tokyo-3!" Misato's voice declared exuberantly from behind me, I turned and saw her grinning face and felt something inside me melt.

I blinked, "What about Beckett and his flight?"

"Headed back to Alaska for now, disappointed? Developing a crush?" She singsonged at me.

I frowned at her, "Well, no, but he was pretty cool..."

"Yeah, totally no crush there," Asuka chimed in from the other direction. Great, they're ganging up on me now. What did I do to deserve this anyway?

"Look, one pilot to another, he has cool toys, that's all. It's respect, not a crush!" I protested.

Misato smirked, "Well, if that's not it, maybe there's somebody else you have a crush on, hmmm?"

Target in the center; Pull the switch. I licked my bottom lip and smiled up at her, "Mmm, maybe there is."

"Oh? Is it Asuka? Rei you've only just met her!" She deflected.

Ah, no! My weakness is strong! I must recover, I've got to counter with something-

"I think that's enough of that. We're leaving right? Well we'd better get ready to go, shouldn't we?" Asuka interjected before I could respond to Misato's needling.

I sighed, sure it was teasing, but… as much as I wanted to get back at her, I wanted to tell her that thing that I was pretty sure she at least suspected. Tell her the truth about… well…

"Hey, Earth to Stupid Ikari, we're going. C'mon I'll show you the flight deck," Asuka snapped as she poked me in the shoulder.

Oh, right then, off we go.

The hair on the back of my neck stood up, a shrill tone pierced the relative calm of the cargo bay.

...an air raid siren?


	14. Renegade Option

Chapter 14:  
Renegade Option

Somehow I'd ended up in the lead, Asuka and Misato had lagged behind at the first hatchway; I hit the ground running. I didn't know where I was going, but forward and up seemed to be the sure bet to find the flight deck. If the shock-waves vibrating through the deck-plates were any indication, the air raid siren wasn't a false alarm.

I heard a loud metallic thunk echo through the corridor followed by the unmistakable whine of a gas turbine winding up. So, somebody was on the flight deck, and they were throttling up the APU. Not a good sign.

"Rei, wait up!" I heard from behind me, I couldn't tell if it was Misato or Asuka, it didn't matter. If they were trying to start up the engines it meant something really bad was happening, I couldn't afford to wait.

"Keep up or shut up!" I yelled over my shoulder as I grabbed the hand rail of a staircase with my good hand and started hauling myself up. I heard voices up ahead, I had to be getting close.

I cleared the last step and saw natural light from behind a hatch, that must have been it, I burst through into the light into something that was something like the half way point between an airplane cockpit and the bridge of a battleship.

There were two people, a man and a woman scrambling between different stations, it looked like they were trying to start the engines, and in a hurry too, without the benefit of ground power. The master caution panel was lit up like a Christmas tree, the adjacent station looked like a flight engineers station, the display showed that the aircraft had… twenty engines, two were spooling and the other eighteen were completely red.

This was nothing compared to what I saw through the cockpit windows: rows of surface to air missile trucks were flanking the runways on either side, and they were ripple firing into the air. Angel attack?

I walked to the front of the flight deck to try to get a better look, when a missile slammed into one of the trucks. No, not an Angel, humans. I wasn't sure if that made it better or worse.

"Hey you, kid. That flight suit for show or do you know how to fly a plane? Hell with it, sit here and help us get this thing started up," the man said as he grabbed me by the good shoulder and pushed me towards the chair in the flight engineers station.

I dropped into the seat and he immediately set in to explaining before I could get a word in. "Look here, engines one and twenty are spooling up, take the fuel from cutoff to idle once N1 hits thirty five percent and then hold the starters till forty five. Work your way from the outside in, start up in pairs. Once you've got six generators going you can spool the engines four at a time."

I stared at him for half a second, then my hands started working the panel in front of me. Thank god for consistent and clear labeling. I brought in fuel on one and twenty and watched the shaft rpm shoot up. "What's going on out there?" I asked.

"Anti Nerv terrorist group is attacking the airbase, they're trying to take unit two. Our orders are to get the hell out of here, so that's what we're doing. Who are you anyway?" the woman added, almost as an afterthought.

Sure, drop me in front of the engine control panel without asking who I am _first_, the panic in the air was almost palpable. I cut the starters out on the first two engines and cut in the generators, then started on the second set. The spooling was faster this time.

"Rei Ikari, pilot of unit one, nice to meet-"

"What the hell is going on!?" I heard Misato yell from behind me. I turned back to look at her, then followed her eye-line through the forward windows. One of the Raptors was running full afterburner and was trying to take off from the apron.

"Son of a bitch..." I muttered under my breath, then turned towards Misato again. "Those guys who picked a fight with us on the way in decided they wanted some more. We're firing this beast up and then I'm going to go out in the F-2 and-"

"'Fraid not, no way to launch a fighter out of the cargo hold, transport only. You're stuck riding shotgun with us," the woman said, "don't worry too much about it, we'll keep you safe. This thing isn't as defenseless as it looks."

"Generators one, two, nineteen, and twenty online. Main power is green, powering anti missile defenses," the man announced as he started toggling switches on his own panel, on the far side of the cockpit to the left of the pilot's station.

"Alright… well, where's the rest of the crew? There can't just be the two of you," Misato asked as she sat against the railing that separated the elevated central section of the flight deck from the lower, outer ring of control terminals set to either side of the main flight control stations.

"They'll be along, or they'll get left behind. Anyone already on-board will be doing their pre-flight checks, anyone else, well, we don't have the time to wait for them."

I threw fuel to the next set of engines and hit the starters on four, five, sixteen and fifteen. Just like that, we were leaving them behind? You don't leave people behind, you don't leave when you can fight, you just… didn't.

The people we'd flown in with, people who didn't owe us a damn thing, were up there right now, fighting, maybe dying, to protect me, to protect us, and I couldn't do anything about it? We couldn't do anything about it? We had a jet bigger than apartment building, with anti missile defenses and who else knows what.

We had an Evangelion. We had an entire, fully functional Evangelion, and two pilots for the thing. We couldn't just send that out?

"I'll launch in unit two. I can handle this all by myself," Asuka proudly announced, "send me out there!"

"Can't do it. We don't have the power cable for unit two, or a generator that could run it if we did. You would have the five minutes in the batteries, and you don't have any weapons to fight off an attack like this with anyway," the woman said with a wave of her hand. She dropped into the copilot's seat and pulled a headset on.

I turned to see Asuka staring daggers into the back of the woman's head and tapping her foot impatiently on the deck plating. I couldn't say I didn't share her feelings.

The world outside flashed and the aircraft shook around us, missile impacts on the runway in front of us. Some of the SAM trucks were just… gone. An F-18 trailing fire buzzed passed in a lazy spiral before auguring into the ground. I couldn't tell if it was ours or theirs.

So far, I hadn't seen a Raptor go down, so I still had that selfish hope that the people who died wouldn't be people I knew.

Misato stepped away from the rail and dropped into the seat set into the elevated central floor and looked down at the two pilot's stations, "Well, I guess I'm probably the ranking officer on board. I'll be assuming command. Current orders stand, get us the hell out of here."

"Misato! I… I-"

"You can't do anything right now Rei. The best we can do is leave. You'd only get yourself killed out there," Misato interrupted me.

I slammed my fist against the armrest of the chair. She wasn't wrong, no she wasn't wrong… but I still didn't like it. Didn't like leaving people to die. Wasn't that the whole point of what I was doing, to save people!?

I put fuel to the last set of engines and cut the starters out. If I can't save the people outside, I can do what I can for the people inside. "All engines hot, generators online. Ready to disengage APU," I announced.

The man finally dropped into the pilot's seat and pulled his headset on, and put one hand on the row of throttle levers over his head in the center of the overhead panel. "All hands, secure for takeoff. We're rolling in five seconds."

"Cutting it close?" the woman asked.

"No time to waste. Throttling up now," he answered as he pushed the throttle levers to the stops, then repeated with the second set of throttles on the pedestal between them.

The sound of the turbines winding up reverberated through the flight-deck and we started to roll forward, surprisingly quickly at that, given our weight. Somehow we managed not to rip a landing gear off in any craters in the runway. With all the ordnance flying around it was a missile festival out there, but we came through unscathed. The rapid fire tracers that seemed to be coming from us and hitting inbound missiles probably helped.

"Stand by for rocket ignition in three… two… rockets are hot!" the man yelled as he pressed down a bank of switches, and I felt myself pressed back in the seat.

The jet lurched forward and started to pitch up, I just closed my eyes and waited. We'd just left dozens, maybe hundreds of people to their fate… but then maybe once we were gone they'd try to track us instead. This thing wasn't defenseless right?

Still, the whole thing sat sour in my stomach. We were supposed to be saving the world, and to me that meant all of it, not just the parts that were easy. We couldn't call ourselves the saviors of mankind if we weren't willing to take whatever risks we had to to save everyone we could, could we?

I felt the rumble of the runway stop suddenly, and the far off thud of the landing gear retracting. We were in the air, what now though? I glanced back at Misato, her eyes were closed, but her face was tense. No, she didn't like this any more than I did, did she? Maybe I really was just a kid, thinking that we could be the heroes every time.

The man in the pilot's seat keyed up his microphone. "This is Pelican-Five-Five-Niner, we're clear of the runway and making our turn now. Good luck… and see you on the other side."

The sounds of combat, explosions and rocket launches, faded as we pulled away from the airbase, the occasional bursts of fire from our anti-missile turrets pierced the new quiet, but even that was starting to happen less and less often. _We_ were safe, for now at least, but somehow that didn't make me feel better.

xxx

There was a _lounge_ on this thing. An honest to god lounge, with a refrigerator and microwave. The very best in microwaveable sustenance at my fingertips, all the food a girl could ever want… and I couldn't find my stomach.

It wasn't that the massacre we'd run away from made it any more real for me, I knew what was at stake, and I knew how dangerous and broken the world was. It was just that for the first time since all this had begun, I'd felt truly powerless.

If I had the F-2, I could have gone up and taken some of them with me, maybe saved a few people on the ground. At the very least I'd have gone down swinging. If I had unit one, five minutes of power and a pallet rifle is all I'd have needed to put every single one of those bastards in the ground.

I rubbed the bridge of my nose and dropped into the almost-soft chair in the corner of the lounge. Lamenting my inability to help wasn't going to do me any good, and I knew that, but knowing it and _believing_ it were two different things.

I knew that we had to run, but I _believed_ that we'd left a bunch of innocent men and women to their fate. I guess the two weren't really mutually exclusive. If I'd died trying I could have felt better about it, and it wouldn't have been the first time.

Couldn't eat, couldn't sleep. I'd had nothing to do but stare at the walls and avoid Misato and Asuka for the last eight hours. Not to say I wasn't tired, the sleep just wouldn't come, no matter how much I tried. Exhaustion was no match for my racing mind, apparently.

I sighed and leaned forward and pushed myself off the chair. Restless. I trudged over to the hatch and pressed my palm into the door, and stumbled out into the hallway. The cargo bay was off to my left, down the long corridor, so I decided that I would go that way.

The sound of my shoes clicking on the metal decking and the distant shrill of the turbofans were my only companions as I vaguely wandered my way aft through the dim light. The air tasted like machine oil and aluminum, it was the kind of smell that would probably never leave the place, as often as something of this size must need to be maintained.

I was absentmindedly tonguing my teeth when I heard the engines change pitch suddenly, followed by the deep bass rumbling of the missile defense batteries firing long bursts of fire. I felt the deck pitch up under me, we were climbing? We were followed or something else?

We were under attack, and suddenly I didn't feel quite so tired anymore. It didn't take a rocket scientist to figure out they were after unit two, the only question was what had taken them so long to jump us.

It didn't matter, I wasn't going to fail this time.

The cargo bay wasn't that far at a run, as wide as this aircraft was, it wasn't overly long. The deck shifted under my feet, they were trying to maneuver this monster? That must have meant the defenses were getting overwhelmed, which would mean-

The deck jumped under me and I almost lost my footing, an instant later my ears popped and the air pressure dropped. That was a hit, and it had compromised the hull at that. We'd lost cabin pressure. We were still climbing.

Surely they didn't think we could out climb… we couldn't fly higher than the missiles could reach, maybe they were trying to fly higher than whatever aircraft was attacking us? The only thing we might be able to fly higher than is a transport.

I shook my head, didn't matter. I jumped through the hatch at the end of the corridor and found myself on the upper deck of the cargo hold, rather than the floor. I had to be quick, the air was getting thin and I could already feel myself getting light headed.

The F-2 was down on the deck below me. I ran down the catwalks towards it, swaying and stumbling from the low oxygen. I slipped and fell as I made it to the section of the walkway over the plane and went tumbling under the hand rail, felt a brief moment of weightlessness and then the wind was knocked out of me when I crashed into the left wing of the jet.

The impact might have knocked the wind out of me, but the pain brought me back into focus. I was on top of the jet, and there was a strap about midway up the fuselage, right behind the open canopy, holding the jet down, almost like an afterthought.

We _had_ really rushed out of Travis. It was an advantage now though. I pushed myself up onto all fours and crawled across the wing to the ratchet strap holding the plane down and snatched the release catch, pulled with my failing strength and was rewarded with a click as it released.

I was taking too long, eyelids were getting heavy again. I pushed myself, just a few more feet and I'd be in the cockpit. One, two, three, four. One, two, three, four. I felt the edge of the cockpit in my hand and pulled myself in, fell down into the seat and slumped.

No, Rei, no. You're not done yet.

I forced my eyes open and reached out, fumbled with the battery switch and managed to toggle it over. The MFDs started to light up as the on-board computer started to boot up. I reached over and pushed the switch to close the canopy. I was dimly aware of the whirring of the servos lowering the plexiglass dome, I was preoccupied with turning on the emergency oxygen supply. It took a couple clumsy false-starts before I finally managed to grab onto the knob and start turning it to let the oxygen generator start pumping into the cockpit.

My hands felt weak, I tried to grab for the oxygen mask, my hand wouldn't close around it, so weak.

Well… close enough. I could hear the oxygen hissing into the cockpit as I slumped down in the seat and finally, everything blacked out.

xxx

It felt like seconds, but could have been minutes, or even an hour. I opened my eyes slowly and had the disorienting sensation of motion. I was on a plane, that was right. No, I was on a plane _inside_ a plane. It was so bright, and my legs were stiff, my back hurt. I was slumped down in the seat with my knees up into the dashboard.

I blinked away the fogginess in my eyes and squinted out into the brightness. The roof of the cargo bay was… moving forward? No.

I was moving _backward._

I picked up the helmet between my legs and pushed my legs down into the rudder pedals and slid up into the seat properly so I could look outside. There were men with sub-machine-guns standing on the floor of the cargo bay, they definitely weren't part of the crew, so how the hell-

The nose pitched up suddenly and violently. No, the tail dropped, in an instant I was weightless in the cockpit, the carrier in front of and ahead of me and flying away, flanked by six fighters.

I was in freefall, they pushed me out of the plane, and I was in free fall with the gear down and the engine stopped. Not good. I pulled the helmet down onto my head and uncovered the emergency power unit switch, and slapped it over.

The hydraulic pressure came up almost instantly as eighteen hundred degree hydrazine rammed itself through a turbine in the right hand strake, electrical power came up rapidly and I stepped into the rudder to bring the nose into the airflow.

The red ocean greeted me so many thousand feet below, I still didn't have thrust, but I had control authority. Baby steps. My fingers danced over the front panel, gear up, fuel on, starter engaged…

The whine of the jet fuel starter resounded through the cockpit as the jet engine under me started to turn. N1 at five percent, ten percent, fifteen. Altitude at thirty thousand… twenty five, twenty, fifteen. N1 at fifty percent, starter disengaged, EPU disengaged, throttle to half.

I passed under ten thousand and eased back on the stick, the nose came up and I leveled off at five thousand. I looked up through the canopy, the carrier was still way up there, with those fighter escorts. They weren't coming down after me, did they know somebody was in the jet?

No, they were probably just dumping cargo they didn't need, they were after the Evangelion right? I started arming the fire control systems and looked out the canopy to visually inspect the pylons. The AMRAAM I'd fired before was still missing. That meant I had five left, and two sidewinders. I had plenty of fight left in me.

I snapped the oxygen mask over my face and cinched down the helmet straps, strapped myself into my seat and dropped off the throttle a little, let them pull ahead of me. I toggled the weapon selector over to the sidewinders and licked my bottom lip.

I rolled the selector over to Cat I and punched the drop tanks, then pushed the throttle to the stop. The jet lunged forward under me and I eased the stick back into a sharp climb, the fighters were just under my pipper as I shot up to meet them.

Radar off, heat seekers selected, at least two of them wouldn't see it coming. Distance closed, altitude rose. Twenty thousand feet, twenty five, thirty, thirty five thousand. The audible buzzed at me and I pressed the firing stud and a sidewinder dropped off the wingtip rail and streaked out towards the enemy fighter on my far left.

I stepped into the rudder and immediately got tone on the second jet, and snapped down the firing stud again. I throttled back out of afterburner and held my finger over the button that would turn on my active radar, once that first missile hit…

The explosion on my left signaled me to go active and I cycled over to AMRAAMs, the second missile hit soon after and the hostile fighters started to break formation. Two down, three to go. I rolled my radio over to guard and snapped off one of my radar missiles at the fighter under my pipper, it might hit, might not. It would get him moving though.

It all came out at once, the rage, the fury, the single minded drive. It was like being in Eva, but this was all me. My hate and rage at my inability to do a damn thing in California, and my refusal to let them touch Misato…

Maybe it was about time I admitted to myself what that really was? When this was over.

I rolled onto my left wingtip and buzzed past the carrier at mach one, then throttled back and leaned on the air-brakes into a sharp nine g hard turn into pursuit of one of the fleeing fighters. They were F-4s like before, they didn't stand a chance.

I called up the twenty mike mike and rolled the pipper over the phantom, he tried to pitch and roll, but my hand and feet worked together to keep him right in the center, I clicked down the firing stud and let a few dozen rounds of party mix pepper his tail and rudder.

I released the firing stud and watched him start to nose over with fire trailing from his engines, a moment later there was a flash of light from the cockpit and two ejection seats fired out of the doomed airplane.

They were the lucky ones.

I pushed the throttle back into afterburner and pointed the nose up, and started to climb while I rolled into a lazy left turn, I spotted two more signatures on the radar, that AMRAAM had missed, I spotted them out of the canopy and rolled in, throttled down, and pulled back on the stick to get a solution on the next fighter, another F-4. I rippled a pair of missiles in his direction to force him off and shifted attention to the other F-4 that was with him, two missiles left. More than enough.

My RWR screeched in my ear, I slammed the throttle into afterburner and threw the plane into a left arc, popping chaff as I looked through the canopy to figure out where the hell the missile came from.

There was a plume streaking toward me from under the carrier. That's right, there had been _six_ of them, not five. One of them hid from me before. I checked the radar, still two contacts, those missiles must have splashed the other guy.

Two enemy fighters, and two missiles left, I could do this, if I didn't get shot down. I pushed the stick forward and dove for the deck, streaking vapor trails with the high-G maneuver as the missile tried to track on my arcing trajectory.

I keyed up my mic on guard as I screamed towards the ocean. "You think you can kill me? I was born to fight, you'd better know how!" I yelled into the radio as I pulled out of my dive and leveled off on the deck, still in my turn as the missile overshot.

I held the turn and rolled level to start climbing back up towards the fight, the two phantoms that were left were bearing down on me. Rookie pilots, trying to catch me on the deck. If they were in something made this century they might have had a chance, but Phantoms didn't have the juice to hang with a Viper Zero.

I mad-dogged my remaining pair of missiles in their direction and switched over to the cannon as they broke at one hundred eight out from one another, the missiles tracked left, and I yawed to the right to slide in on his tail.

The phantom had enough engine to leave me behind, but he had lost too much of his energy in that evasive turn, and I slid right up behind him and unleashed the cannon into his back, watched as his engines started to shoot fire and then the air-frame broke up around him. No seat, no chute.

Those other guys were the lucky ones.

I snap-rolled to my left and pulled through a high speed turn to check my six, looking for any sign of the other fighter. The only thing I saw was a parachute and a rapidly descending ball of fire and scrap metal.

I pulled through the turn and lined up on the carrier, it had slowed considerably and I noticed that we were actually pretty close to the shoreline, the fight had taken us more or less the rest of the way to Japan.

I slipped into position a couple hundred feet off the aft of the carrier, the cargo bay door was closed. I keyed up my mic, "Pegasus Five-Five-Niner, this is Iris, I've got a cannon pointed at you, and since you're not shooting back I'd guess that means your anti missile batteries are all out of bullets. I'd like to discuss terms of surrender."

I waited for a long, silent moment, and then the cargo bay started to open up. Were they planning on giving me a free shot into the bay? Fine by me if that's the game they wanted to play.

"_Iris, this is hmm, how about 'Rose'? I think you're right, it is time to discuss terms of surrender."_

That voice, the phantom pilot from before? That woman…

The cargo bay finished opening and the interior lights turned on, standing on the edge of the door was a red haired woman.

She had a gun.

It was pointed at Misato's head.


	15. Won't Back Down

Chapter 15:  
Won't Back Down

The tightness in my chest, the acrid sting of the bile rising in my throat, the blood rushing in my ears. My hand was tight on the stick and my eyes wide. I should have expected something like this to happen, did I think she was going to be able to take them all on?

Actually, why hadn't I been thinking about her until now? Or Asuka? They were in trouble and-

"_Are you paying attention?"_

My hand clenched down on the control stick and I had to fight the urge to fire the cannon. Misato was in front of me, and this… this 'Rose', who the hell did she think she was? This angry monster deep inside my clawing at my insides, trying to get out. This fury I was feeling, and she was feeding into it.

No, I had to calm down a little bit. If she pulled that trigger I'd paint the cargo bay red. All the people I'd killed today, what's a few more?

I took a deep breathe and keyed up, "you said that maybe there was hope for me yet, didn't you? That was you flying the phantom over California wasn't it?"

"_So you remember me. Guess I left an impression huh? Good work not getting shot down by the way. You don't disappoint do you 'Iris' mmm?" _she asked me in a maddeningly infuriating conversational tone.

Needling huh? Fine, I could handle that, I didn't want to handle it, but I could. I nudged the throttle ever so slightly, shifting from keeping pace to _slowly_ closing range. Hopefully she wouldn't notice. "I remember. I also remember what you said. Guess you weren't willing to give me the chance to prove that, huh."

There was a delay from the other end of the call, I could hear some chatter, background noise. They'd kept their mic keyed up for some reason. Maybe she was trying to find something to say. It was a little reassuring to know that she hadn't had _everything_ planned out at least.

But, on balance, that really wasn't enough.

"_I think you lost the right to prove yourself when you killed my people," _she replied simply. There was an edge in her voice, she didn't like the way the conversation was going, perhaps? Then again, she might have been pissed off about the loss of her jets.

I couldn't feel sorry for her, my blood was still boiling.

I shook my head and tightened my grip on the throttle and stick. "I think you lost the moral high-ground when you started taking hostages and killing people. Let me talk to Misato, prove that's actually her you've got a gun pointed at!"

What was the terminal velocity of a human being again? They didn't have Asuka, I could see that. As far as hostage went Asuka would have been the superior hostage, Nerv would care a whole lot less about Misato than they would care about a pilot, so that meant they didn't have her.

I looked down under the cargo deck at the big red feet, had she locked herself in unit two? She wasn't stupid, she wouldn't try to break free while there were still friendlies on-board… but then most of them probably were dead already.

Was she listening?

"_Rei. I'm here, it's Misato." _she sounded calm, I would have been surprised, but… she was definitely a professional, wasn't she? Calmer than I would have been in her shoes. Calmer than I was in _my_ shoes for that matter.

"Misato? Are you okay? Where's Asuka?" I asked, couldn't keep the worried tone out of my voice, but then, who could?

"_That's enough. You confirmed that we have her, now you will hear our demands," _Rose came back onto the channel. That edge was definitely in her voice. Then again, she hadn't made me happy either.

I griped the throttle tightly in my hand and rolled it forward a little, rapidly closing the distance between us before I pulled it back. I was starting to feel the buffeting from the carrier, I probably couldn't hold the position long. Something inside of me had snapped, that rage monster finally broke free and I couldn't hold it back.

Maybe I just didn't _want_ to hold it back.

"You don't seem to appreciate how this works!" I screamed into the radio as I rolled the targeting selector over to bore-sight, "I am the one with a twenty millimeter auto-cannon. I am the one who can kill every single one of you if I wanted to. Put her back on the fucking radio!"

I could see the woman tense up, at this range I could even see her face clearly, she brought the radio up to her mouth to say something, I saw her gun waver. Whatever she meant to say, I never got the chance to hear.

Misato took the distraction to swat at the gun in the woman's hand with her left arm, followed by a right hook to the side of her face. Both the gun and the radio went clattering to the ground. The woman hit the deck, stunned, and Misato ran for the radio.

And my shot still wasn't clear.

My hands went slick on the controls, whatever happened next, I had no doubts that it wasn't going to be clean. I heard the crackle of the radio and the sounds of gunfire from the carrier, they were shooting at her, but she'd managed to take cover behind an equipment crate.

"_Rei, listen. The crew is dead, they shot Asuka when she was trying to escape. I don't know where she is, but they didn't catch her. She's probably locked herself in Unit Two, but she can't do anything without damaging the plane," _she explained to me over the radio. It didn't make me feel better. Asuka? Shot?

"Misato, listen-"

"_Rei, send it."_ She cut me off. One order, a simple order. She knew what she was asking. And then she tensed up, my blood ran cold, she couldn't have been thinking it, could she? But then, she knew I wouldn't pull the trigger if she was still in the line of fire.

She jumped and slid off the end of the ramp. I fired the cannon and stepped into the rudder, sprayed fire throughout the cargo bay. I only had a few seconds of fire left, and then the cannon ran dry. I didn't bother to even look at the handiwork, I knew the next step I had to take.

I snapped the stick to the left and chopped throttle back, rolled over onto my back and looked up through the canopy, trying to find… there she was. One shot at this, I only hoped she still had her radio. I threw out the air brakes and ripped the canopy jettison handle. The air slammed into my faceplate and the sound was incredible, but I had focus, I had purpose. I hauled back on the stick and brought the jet through a high G split-S maneuver, shedding airspeed and altitude. I never took my eye off her, at a time like this? No, I might never let her out of my sight again.

"Misato, get ready!" I yelled into the radio, I don't know if she could hear me, but… one shot. Flaps out, come on, come on! The whole airframe was shaking and shuddering from the maneuver, ten meters, five.

This was going to hurt, better than being dead.

I tapped the stick back and felt the impact behind me, I followed through till level. My canopy was gone, the mirror was gone, I could only hope…

I felt the hand brush against my shoulder, I had her. I keyed back up on guard, "Asuka, if you're listening, I have Misato. Repeat, I have Misato. Get out of there."

The voice on the other end of the link was rough, strained. Pissed. _"Well, you gotta die of something. Unit Two activating."_

There was a long pause, I looked up at the carrier, still flying away, even though the cargo hold seemed to be on fire. Then, there was a twitch in one of unit two's legs, and I watched as the metal aero-shell surrounding it started to break apart. First a few small shards, then the larger panels caught the airstream and ripped away.

A series of flashes erupted from between the shell and the carrier and in an instant unit two was free falling, I guess they prioritized their own survival over keeping unit two.

The hand that snapped up and ripped through the wing root on the way down, however, ruined any chances they had of getting away. The carrier started to shudder as the wing flexed violently, and then started to tear away in a shower of sparks and fire.

"_Unit Two… is away…." _I heard back through the radio. She sounded like hell, probably felt like it too.

I reached up to grab onto the hand on my shoulder, it felt warm, then… sticky? I looked over, blood, a lot of blood, she was hurt. Oh no.

Everything I'd just tried to do, it all came down to… had I failed? Was that it, what it over? No, no it couldn't be over because I wouldn't let it. If she died now… my father's plans would look tame compared to what I'd-

I looked out the forward section of the canopy, the only part still attached, where the hell was I? I wasn't that familiar with the area, I was near the coast, but that didn't help me much!

"Mayday, mayday, mayday, Cylon One-Three declaring an emergency, I have no canopy and a wounded passenger, requesting vectors for nearest landing site. I… do not know my location, altitude is four five zero zero zero and falling, bearing one eight zero. Please advise!" I called out as I pushed the stick forward. She wouldn't have much air up here, I had to get lower, a lot lower.

I pulled flaps in and put the aircraft into a slip, shedding altitude without gaining airspeed. I couldn't risk having her fall out. I caught her, sure, but I might have killed her in the process, I couldn't live with that.

A flash of red and white blurred past the cockpit, unit two was flying towards the coast, keeping pace off my right side, though her glide slope was a lot less aggressive than mine; she was wearing some kind of jet pack. They'd must have anticipated an air launch. I might have been better off asking her to catch Misato instead of me. Hindsight was like that though.

"_Cylon One-Three, this is Kitty Hawk, we have you on radar. Ikari, is that you? We show you as twenty-five nautical miles north of Yokosuka. Come right to one eight five."_

"Roger, this is Ikari. Coming right to one eight five and descending through thirty five thousand. What condition is the flight deck? When I left you guys it wasn't suitable for landing." I called back as I stepped into the rudder. _Kitty Hawk_ would have doctors, surgeons. I could get her help there, quicker than a landing strip on shore anyway.

"_Deck is clear and aligned for a straight in landing. Medical personnel are standing by."_

"Roger," I called back, then reached up and squeezed her hand, I had to make sure she was alive, felt her squeeze back. I had time, I could make sure she lived. I had to.

If they were that close, why the hell didn't they launch an intercept when I was shooting down those phantoms? Why didn't they do anything when those people were holding Misato hostage? I wanted answers, needed them, but I had no illusions that I'd get them.

No, after all this I had the strangest feeling that any power I held would be taken away from me, and more questions asked than I had answers for. It didn't matter, I had to just this one more thing and then everything would be alright.

The buffeting started to get worse as we descended into thicker air, the jet wasn't meant to be flown topless, that much was certain. The cold air might have been doing as much damage as the lack of oxygen, so I didn't have a choice, I had to bring us down quickly.

Red smoke on the horizon, over the water, not inland. She was sailing? We hadn't been gone that long, what the hell would make them put back to sea so quickly?

I eased the tick forward and backed off the throttle, I had to drop faster, get us under ten thousand. Twenty five and falling, still damn cold. The carrier was getting closer though, I could see it ahead, she was kicking up a hell of a wake, where was she trying to go in such a hurry?

Or maybe they were trying to make the landing easier on me.

Ten thousand, ninety-five hundred; the air was getting warmer. The grip was still on my shoulder, she was still awake, still with me. Come on Misato, don't let go now, we're almost through this.

Six nautical miles out, I put the landing gear selector down and put in a few degrees of flaps, eased the throttle forward to compensate for the drag as we slowed closer to landing speed. I opened up the dump valve and started dropping fuel. I had one chance at the landing, I wouldn't be able to put power on quickly enough to get back in the air if I missed the wire, not without throwing Misato out. I had one shot, I had to make it stick.

"_Cylon One-Three, we have you at one nautical mile. Deck is clear."_

I shook my head and focused on the landing lights on the carrier, "One-three has the ball."

"_Roger ball."_

I slapped my hand down on the arrestor hook switch and brought the stick back, gently. Lined up, just a little further. I chopped throttle and pushed the flaps to full down. The controls started to loosen up, airspeed was falling, one chance at this, right.

I closed the fuel dump and watched the deck, just a few hundred yards. I threw the air-brakes out to full and flared for touchdown. I held my breath, three, two, one. The jet jolted and I cut throttle to idle. And locked up the wheel brakes.

There was a delay that felt like an eternity, and then the jet lurched to a stop, I'd caught the wire. Good. I cut fuel to the engines and started unbuckling my harness "Cylon One-Three, landed. Signing off."

I slapped down the main power disconnect and threw my helmet off. There were crewmen running across the deck, but they weren't my concern. I stood up in my seat and turned around, I had to know. Despite the bile in my throat, the sickness in my gut, that feeling of hopelessness, _I had to know_. I had to know it was worth it, I had to know I'd done something. I had to know I'd done the right thing.

It was bad.


	16. Ch 15-A Asuka Strikes

Chapter 15-A:  
Asuka Strikes

The sound of metal striking metal startled me. I'd never admit it to anyone, but I was scared. We'd come under attack, soldiers had boarded the carrier. They took over the cockpit, and we ran. Misato shot at them, she probably hit some of them.

And I was on foot, where I couldn't do anything. I was an Evangelion pilot, an air-force Captain. I wasn't a foot soldier. Bright red was poor camouflage, at that. Didn't matter though. I was scared, but I wasn't stupid. I knew what the game was.

Win or die, there is nothing else.

Well, that was the idea at least. And there was the gun sitting on the decking at my feet, so there was that too.

"Asuka, run!" Misato yelled as the arm wrapped around her neck and the man pulled her off her feet.

I felt myself trembling, I dropped into a crouch and snatched the pistol up off the ground, I could do this, right? I was trained for this, just in case. I never thought it would have actually come to it though.

But that was exactly where I was, staring down the sights of a Sig Sauer P226 pistol. Locked, loaded, and ready to fire. And I couldn't pull the trigger, because I couldn't stop my treasonous hand from shaking, couldn't keep the sights on target. Couldn't stop the cold sweat inside my plugsuit. What a fucking failure.

The solider dragged her backwards through a hatch, and a single gunshot ran out. There was a sudden intense burning in my side, I felt like throwing up, my knees got weak. I was hit, I was shot. The alarms in my plug suit started to screech.

The burning hot sting of the coagulants that the suit injected into the wound brought me back around. I felt jumpy, twitchy, ready to go. Adrenaline response had me absolutely lit up. Fight or flight, live or die.

I ran. I could access Unit Two, tear this whole place apart. That must have been their mission. Capture Unit Two, capture an eva pilot.

They weren't getting my Unit Two, and they sure as hell weren't getting me.

Left foot, right foot. The soles of my plug suit clicked across the decking. The burning went all the way through. They were using submachine guns. Full metal jacket probably, there was an exit wound and it wasn't very big. Bullet went straight through me.

It was kind of funny, I went from terrified to analyzing my wound and sprinting through the aircraft after being shot. Adrenaline was a hell of a thing, my neuro-chemistry was shot. Didn't matter. There was a mission to be completed. I had a goal, right?

I couldn't show the world who I was if I didn't make it through this. That would be unforgivable.  
I dropped down the stairs at the end of the corridor and felt the wind knocked out of me when I hit the deck, felt the wound shifting around the hot foam plug that was keeping my blood inside me. I grit my teeth and pressed on. It wasn't far now. People were going to die today, and I was going to kill them. It was a fact that I was beginning to realize, and yet I couldn't make myself care, not really.

They were here of their own will, they consented to combat, right? They already shot me once. What was that old saying? My sympathy for your cause ends at the barrel of your gun? Yeah, I could relate.

There was noise and light up ahead, I sped up, intent on using the adrenaline while I had it. If I could get to Unit Two, this entire thing would be over. I wasn't doing it to play the hero, no. That wasn't my role in this, I was doing this for me.

Or maybe I was doing it to show up stupid Ikari. She killed an angel with a fighter jet? Lucky. I was going to end this entire confrontation by myself.

My eyes darted left and right as I turned the last corner, I heard footsteps on the decking head. I snapped the pistol up and my eyes followed it, a single soldier standing guard in front of the hatch, the last barrier between me and my Evangelion.

My finger snapped down on the trigger and the gun jumped in my hand, I heard screaming after the first shot. My finger snapped down again, again, again, again, again. Each step closer, another shot. I watched the man turn, turn. Blood sprayed against the wall next to him, he turned more, fell.

I ran past him, through the hatch way. The screaming stopped, my throat was sore. I stopped and leaned against the frame of the hatch, panted for breath. I started to slide down the wall and caught myself. If I sat down now I might never get back up again.

I stumbled away from the wall and across the deck plating, the entry plug was right in front of me, all I had to do was climb in, and I was home free.

I grabbed onto the side of the slick white cylinder to steady myself and tapped my code into the keypad with the muzzle of the pistol, couldn't bring myself to put it down, not now. Not after that.

The hatch slid open and I dropped climbed into the plug. My feet hit the LCL in the partially full plug, and I finally closed the hatch behind me. It was then that I finally put the pistol on safe and dropped myself into the soft control seat.

My back tensed up when I hit the cushion, the jarring of the impact sent a jolt of pain through my wound, and that woke me back up. Now that I was finally sitting, I wasn't quite so tired anymore. Probably for the best, I definitely had internal bleeding.

I dropped the pistol into a pocket on the side of the control seat and grabbed the sticks. The bottom dropped out and I felt the plug sliding down, down into Unit Two. The autostart had kicked in, good.

Wouldn't be long now, just lean my head back against the seat and wait.

xxx

The taste of LCL and the cool motion of liquid across my skin were the first things I noticed. Then, the jarring vibrations. I'd dozed at some point during the start-up procedure, but the Eva was active, and still running on the standby power from the carrier.

Which was listing to one side.

I blinked away the fatigue as the radio crackled in my ears, _"Asuka, if you're listening, I have Misato. Repeat, I have Misato. Get out of there." _

Ikari? How the hell did she… I looked down and behind me, toward Two's feet. Yeah, there was that stupid fighter jet.

I looked up again and saw the bottom hull of the carrier. So it was just bad guys then? They'd killed the crew, I'd watched that.

Hell with em. "Well, you gotta die of something. Unit Two activating."

I settled myself into the control seat and hauled back on the control sticks, felt the sympathetic feedback of the restraints on Two's arms and legs, and pushed. I could feel the metal creaking, hear it through the microphones, feel it in my hands.

And then all at once it snapped and I felt myself in freefall.

I smirked despite myself "Nah, not that easy." I snapped a hand out and grabbed the carrier as I fell away, got a nice big chunk of the leading edge of the wing root in my hand and ripped right through it. They weren't getting far without that wing.

I coughed into the LCL and opened a link back up with the jet, with Ikari, "Unit Two… Is away."

I shook my head and bit down on my tongue. The endorphins were starting to wear off, being shot had this way of hurting unimaginably when you had to actually calm down and deal with it.

I tapped out the necessary commands into the MFD set in the center of the control panel and activated the glider pack that my unit was equipped with. Twenty minutes of power in the pack, well… with the rocket assist and the right glide slope, I could make shore easily, almost certainly get to an auxiliary power hookup for Unit Two before the batteries ran dry.

As I finished punching in the autopilot corrections I finally chanced a glance over at the F-2 and… wait, where the hell is the canopy? There was red trailing down the side of the fuselage too, hydraulic fluid? No, it didn't look like it took damage, wasn't trailing smoke.

I clicked a few buttons on my left control stick and zoomed in.

"Oh, fuck."


	17. The Mighty Fall

Chapter 16:  
The Mighty Fall

You brought her down alive. You did your job. Save the world and then worry about her when you're done. Right? Right. And still, still I couldn't get the image out of my mind. I'd carry it with me until the day that I died.

And they'd congratulated me, told me I'd done alright. I'd killed… I couldn't keep track of how many. Either when I shot down those phantoms, or when I'd hosed down the cargo hold with twenty millimeter. It was alright though, they were the _other guys._ They were the bad guys, right? That's what they said, and they'd killed too, they'd have put me in the ground, and Misato too.

But they were afraid of us, weren't they? They were afraid of the Evangelion, they were afraid of the person piloting it. I wasn't stupid, I knew what the score was, and I couldn't imagine that they were really so far off.

No, there were only a few ways this was going to end, and I knew that by the end of it, we were going to prove Rose right.

But the truth was, I didn't care. In that moment, I didn't care, couldn't have cared. I could have been ending the world right then and there and it wouldn't have made a bit of difference. They had my friend, they took over that carrier, tried to kill me, and they had my friend.

And it didn't matter to me how many it would take to put me down, didn't matter how many they were going to use. I was going to cut a path through them, ram them out of the sky if I had to, I wasn't going to let them keep her. Wasn't going to let them keep me from her.

I kicked the nose wheel of the jet and spit on the flight deck. So, what had I done? I'd killed men and women who truly believed that they were fighting to save the world. Executed them, put them in a watery grave. Because they were between me and my friend.

Because even if they were right, I couldn't let them win, not yet, not while there was so much left to do.

There were Angels left to kill, people left to protect who were counting on me to protect them. I had a city full of people that needed me, or else they would die.

The truth was, though, that I was being selfish. Truly, I was my Father's daughter.

"Wish this reunion could have been under different circumstances, and I wish we had the time for a real conversation, but circumstances are against us this time."

I blinked and looked up, the captain was there. "Captain Clark. It's that time again, then?"

He had the good grace to look conflicted about it, and he was probably genuine in that, too. He'd been the one that had a problem with sending children off to fight, but then, that was before I had all this blood staining my hands, wasn't it?

It didn't matter, I was already in it, right? Misato was hurt, she might die. I'd killed for her, and because I'd killed for her I got her back. I'd killed men and women who had thought they were saving the world, but they crossed me to do it, made me look down into myself and show them what I was really made of.

And when the cards were down, I was a killer.

"There's an Angel on its way to Tokyo-3. We've got a helicopter on standby, they're going to deploy you alongside the Evangelion, in the field. You have to leave now, I'm sorry that there isn't more time," he explained to me as the wind swept across the deck and rippled through his uniform.

"And you decided to tell me in person?"

"That was one of _my _conditions. If I'm going to let them send a child out to war, I'm at least going to give her the courtesy of telling her myself."

I sucked my lips against my teeth and felt the smirk creeping across my face. It was like that, right? I knew this feeling, remembered it from that life I never lived. "Alright, you know what I did up there, don't you? I guess they want me to keep killing, right?"

"You changed up there."

I sighed, looked off the end of the flight deck towards the shore, "I just had some aspects of myself clarified, that's all."

His lips pressed thin and he stared at me. Agreement, or was he holding something else back? Would he try to stop me, change his mind, tell them to find someone else, because they couldn't have me?

Who was he to save my soul?

My face felt hot, heart pounding. Palms slick, sweaty. Legs tensed up, ready to spring forward or lash out. Adrenaline, the thrill of the fight, or the fear of loss, maybe. I knew what I'd done, and I knew what I was going to do still, so could he really stop me?

He lifted his arm as if to strike out, I flinched, and his face softened. He set his hand on my shoulder, "Don't lose yourself out there. You've got someone here, and she's waiting for you to come back. Alright?"

xxx

Back in my yellow plugsuit, the vinyl polymer wrapped around me like the hug of an old friend, I stared into my hands. Head down, eyes half closed and with my hair dangling down in front of my face, the taste and smell of jet fuel thick in the air.

And I couldn't ever, wouldn't ever, forget the sound of the rotors cutting through the air. Familiar enough with that sound, I would have known it even if I hadn't heard it for a hundred years, a thousand. A lifetime ago.

And on that sound, on that smell and taste, I was carried towards fate. The things I was asked to do, the things I _would _do, to fight for a future that wasn't meant for me. Not anymore. The future isn't for the people who fight to create it, is it? We're just here to make sure it happens.

A commodity to be expended, fuel to be burnt in the engine of war.

Her father wouldn't have wanted that for her, and maybe _mine _would have agreed, once upon a time. But she'd never had her mother, and mine had died, and my father had grown colder, bitter and full of hate and rage. His opinions had changed hadn't they? Was I his daughter again?

Or just a cog in the machine, a component to make the Evangelion move, the organic processor?

The polymer glove on my right hand was wet, vision was blurry. My face was tight, my eyes hurt, chest was heaving. Tears, I could still feel then, even after what I did, what I tried to make myself enjoy. But there was still guilt, and hurt, and pain.

Misato wouldn't want me to feel like this. She'd warned me, hadn't she? She knew what was down this path, she'd walked it herself. She'd wanted better for me, wished she could take my burden, hadn't she?

So, that's where I found myself, then. The unenviable position of having to fight for her, and try to honor her desire to see me able to live with what I'd done at the same time.

But I'd had a good reason then, and I had a good reason now.

If it hadn't been for Angels, for Evangelion, none of this would have happened, I wouldn't have become the pilot of Unit One, and I wouldn't have killed those people.

But I wouldn't have met Misato.

The helicopter rocked to the side suddenly and I blinked the tears away, jerked my head up and looked out into the distance. The scream pierced my _soul_. I could feel it with every fiber of my being, it resonated within me. The Angel?

It wouldn't be long now, till we landed. Till I boarded my Evangelion. Till I, once again, rode into battle, the spoils of which would be the salvation or damnation of mankind, of my own soul.

And I couldn't help but think that if I found one, I'd lose the other.

The pitch of the rotors changed, the floor tilted and I looked up, the trees were getting closer, we were descending. Dropping fast, a combat landing? They were in a hurry, much more and we'd probably vortex ring into a fiery crater.

The tip of the purple horn crossed the plane of the helicopter's side-door, and again, as before, I was left speechless. The sense of scale, the sheer size and presence of One was intimidating, but it was more than that; there was a power about it. More than just the power that comes with size, there was something deeper, darker, more primal about it.

An energy.

I clenched my right fist and cracked the knuckles, licked my lip and snorted, no matter how many times I saw it, it never got old. There are some things we never lose our sense of wonder about.

The head came next, the shoulder, the bicep, the chestplate. The helicopter rocked violently and the pitch of the engine rose sharply, g-forces pressed me down into the seat as the pilot spilled off our vertical speed. A jolt, the skids hit the ground.  
Arms reached in to grab me, to help me out and to the ground. The glare of the sun behind the owner of those arms blocked out his face, but I accepted the help down anyway. The ground against my feet, soft earth. Couldn't remember how long it had been since that had happened. Days? All of that time had really blended together in memory.

A few steps from the helicopter, the hulk of Unit One blocked out the sunlight and I got a good look at the man's face.

"Father?"

xxx

The soft whisper in the back of my mind. The gentle, warm, touch of the LCL against my face, in the moment before it's charged. The feel of the saddle against the plugsuit, the way it conforms to my body. The feeling of love? Power, purpose, conviction.

A feeling not that far removed from the unexpected hug my father had given me, just before he sent me on my way.

"I'm home," I whispered, and opened my eyes. The plug was lit up, the weight of the armor hung heavy on my body, the earth was soft under my feet, and the sky above bright and cloud free.

I glanced to the side, at the support staff, at my father. I felt a smile tugging at the corner of my mouth, and pushed myself to a standing position. Muscles tightened under armor plating as thousands of tons of bone and blood stood tall over the outskirts of the city of Tokyo-3.

For a minute, I could forget what had happened that day, I could forget about Misato lying in a hospital bed, could forget about the war and why I was here. Forget about that other girl's life, and forget about the things that made _me_ want to forget. I just sat in the saddle and felt the _power_.

I had to wonder if that link between us was more than just sensation and control, if there was something more exchanged between us. If the Evangelion was sharing personality and thought with me, on some subconscious level. Every time I sat in the saddle, I felt… more.

"_Rei, the Angel is approaching from the sea, you are being deployed to intercept. Unit Two will be your backup once recovery is complete."_

Evangelion had a way of making me feel like I was right. It had a way of making me _not_ feel the guilt from what I'd done only a short time ago. Or maybe I was just looking for an excuse to stop feeling those feelings.

"Cyl- Er, Ikari acknowledges. I'm moving out now," I replied and started to step forward. Like riding a bike; you never forgot time spent away, in the fighter jet cockpit, hadn't dulled my Evangelion piloting. It was like slipping into your favorite sweater, it just _fit._

"_What's this, you're actually responding to comms? This might be a first,"_ the voice on the other end of the link chided. Sounded like Akagi, a glance confirmed that theory.

"Doctor, nice to see you. Figured I'd give it a shot. Will Ayanami be joining the party today, or is this a solo dance?" I asked as the trees grew thicker around me and I left the outskirts of the city behind.

"_Ayanami is on station observing the Angel. We are having her relaying intel until you arrive. It's not yet worth the risk to have her attack without you."_

I nodded absently and started poking at the MFD set into the pommel of the saddle, there was a data link from zero, live data from her surveillance of the Angel then? I toggled through the feeds until I got to the video uplink, static crackled through the entry plug for a few moments before an image resolved, floating in front of me, of the feed from Ayanami's Evangelion.

Was this going to be hero stuff or killer stuff?

Only one way to find out.

"Ayanami, I'm on my way, how's your dance card lookin?" I asked through the open link as I poured some speed on and broke into a run. Telemetry said I wasn't far, and I could make out the vague shape of the Angel on the horizon already.

"_It has an opening, Ikari."_

I grinned suddenly and poured on some extra speed, that angel wasn't gonna know what hit it. "Alright, well pencil me in!"

The Eva was really moving now, trees and the odd building passed by me as little more than a blur. An alarm briefly shrilled in the entry plug to let me know I was running out of power cabling. That was a limitation I hadn't missed when I was in America.

It didn't matter, this would be over with time to spare. I popped the release catch on the left control stick and ejected the power cable, I wouldn't be needing it anyway.

According to the telemetry from Ayanami, the Angel was stationary, as if waiting. I hated to leave it in suspense. Licked my lip and forced the control sticks forward to there limit, my thumb popped the release catch on the back of the one in my right hand and activated the progressive knife stored in the shoulder pylon.

Half a mile, plenty of room for a run-up, and a convenient hill as well.

I snatched the knife from the shoulder pylon and angled myself through the trees, the Angel in my sight. At this speed the trees didn't even fall over, they were shattered on impact. I couldn't feel it, it didn't matter. Nobody was dying today, this would be over in a minute.

"Ayanami, cover me!" I yelled into the radio as I hit the hill, planted my right foot at the top, and launched myself into the air. The force of the jump pushed me down into the saddle even as I leaned forward, as if I could use my own body to urge the Evangelion onward through the air.

Tracer fire lanced up from the ground below and peppered the surface of the oddly shaped Angel, shells the size of trucks deflected off of a body composed of dark metal spikes and spires and spheres. But even as strange as the Angel was, it still had that bony face plate, and behind it the red ball I was looking for.

I pulled my arm back at the Apex of the jump and flipped the knife around in my hand. One throw, why the hell not? I grit my teeth and let out a snarl as I put my entire being behind that one throw; muscles coiled and tensed, and then released like a shot, the knife went sailing through the air with all the force an Evangelion could muster-

I couldn't breathe, the world was spinning around me, my chest was on fire. The world was spinning around me, the LCL was… cloudy? Altitude, I was losing altitude, I could feel the falling, the spinning. I tried to reach down for the ejection handle, had to punch out before I hit the ground-

No, I was in Evangelion wasn't I? I was piloting Evangelion, not an airplane. I jumped and… why was it so hard to think? Why did everything hurt? Cold, wet… I felt the air on my face?

The alarms wouldn't stop screaming in my ears, the control stick slipped out of my hand. If I could just… think, for just a few seconds, I could correct, land on my feet, if I could just-


	18. Alive

Chapter 17:

Alive.

I woke with a start, the last memory, the falling, the impact? My eyes slid open slowly, sluggish despite my sudden panic, and I took deep lungful of air. The scent of alcohol and antiseptic thick on the air-

And a sudden stabbing pain in my left side as my lungs filled hit me like a truck, causing me to gasp and make the pain worse until I exhaled, and the pain subsided. Well, that pain. The rest of my body was slowly reporting in with aches and pains, and weird pinching pressures all over.

The left side of my body hurt the worst, but for the moment all I could seem to do was stare at the tiled ceiling, too sluggish and weak feeling to do much else. I was commanding my body to sit up, take stock of the situation, yet my muscles refused to heed the call.

I licked my bottom lip. Tongue worked, mouth worked. Tasted like rubbing alcohol and the back seat of a taxi-cab inside, but it worked. I let out a breath and took in another, slower, less completely, to avoid that sharp stabbing pain a second time.

I started at my hands and slowly tapped each fingertip to the tip of my thumb, working the muscles in my forearms. Stiff, a little tingly in the extremities. My right hand was more or less normal feeling, but the left was… off, just slightly.

But I was alive, and in one piece, at least. Mostly.

I felt sick to my stomach, the muscles in my left arm started to tense up, that fall couldn't have been good for it, probably made the break worse. I needed to get out of the bed, get up, get moving!

I started to move my right arm over to the railing of the bed, slow deliberate movements that fought against the fatigue of long term unconsciousness… or maybe I'd been sedated. My fingertips found cold metal and I grabbed on with as much of my slowly returning strength I could muster.

The muscles in my arm felt weird as they tensed up, like taffy being pulled taut. It was a disorienting sensation, but I pulled. I strained against gravity and fatigue, and hauled myself upright and ended up mostly in a sitting position, with most of my weight leaning on my right arm, against the bed rail.

Hospital gown, loose fitting, with wires coming out of it all over my body. Monitoring equipment no doubt, and certainly they'd know I was awake by now. My eyes drifted to the left, to my other arm, the one not holding me up the one-

The one without a cast on it any longer. It was loosely bandaged all the way up to my shoulder, covered by the gown, but there was no cast, and it actually hurt a lot less to move than it had before. How long had I really been out?

The door clicked open and I turned my head towards the sound, a lazy, almost drunken wobble of a motion. The figure was blacked out by the contrast of the bright light coming into the room from behind them, so it was only after they'd taken a few steps into the room that I was able to make out their features and determine-

"Misato,"I said simply. My voice came out rough, dry, strained. Vocal cords hadn't done anything for a while, that much was clear, and the cotton mouth didn't help either. She was up and about? After what I'd seen…

No, she had a limp, some bandages still. Couldn't have been that long then. Few weeks maybe? "You're alright then," I continued, "I was worried out of my mind… when I saw you like that."

She limped into the room, a fast purposeful limp and put her hand on my shoulder, "I was more worried about you. You nearly died on us. They should never have sent you out to fight after what you'd been through."

I felt a sad smile creeping onto my lips and I looked down at my bandaged left hand and opened and closed my fist experimentally, "Well… You know how it is."

She laughed, "Yeah, I know how it is. Didn't think I'd be standing here, to be honest. I have to thank you for that. You're crazier than I give you credit for. How'd you know it would work?"

I turned my head and looked up at her with a grin, "I didn't. I just had a really bad idea and figured 'why the hell not?' and went for it."

"Didn't work out as well for you the second time though," She replied, her expression shifting back towards the neutral. She hadn't been there, but that didn't mean…

"I guess we won then, after I went down? We're still alive so I guess that's how it went huh? Who landed the killing blow anyway, Ayanami? Asuka? The IPEA pilot?"

She shook her head, "That's a story for another time, after you're back on your feet and have had some time to decompress. I'm just glad that you're alright… The rest can wait for later."

Something nagged at the back of my mind, something about Ayanami… I had a sick feeling in my gut, an anxiety that started to build the more I thought about her… "Is Ayanami alright? I know… that probably sounds weird, but she's okay right?"

Misato flinched, just a little, but enough for me to notice even in my less than stellar state. Something about that had bothered her. I'd need to find out why. "Ayanami is fine," she answered quickly, "She's fine, I've got to go talk to Ritsu, you'll be fine until I'm back, right?"

"Yeah," I said softly, "Yeah, I'll be fine."

She turned to leave and I really got a look at how she was moving, a limp on her left side, her whole body was stiffer than it should be, her pace _wooden_. She wasn't as well off as she'd have had me believe, but it was a testament to her strength that she was even walking after what I'd seen. Or… a testament to how long I'd been out.

I looked down at my left arm again, flexed the hand. It wasn't broken anymore, but it was different. I frowned and leaned back against my pillow.

Yeah, I'll be fine.

Step, click. Step, click. "So, you're awake now, huh?"

I turned my head to the left, Asuka, but she looked… rough. She was walking with a Lofstrand crutch in her right hand, every step looked like it was causing her pain. "I should be mad at you," she continued, "I _should_ be furious, I just… don't have the energy for it right now."

I raised my eyebrows at her, "You know it's not my fault you got shot."

She grunted and shook her head, "No, but you are responsible for what came after. During the battle that came later."

I leaned forward in the bed, "I don't remember what happened after I blacked out, and Misato wouldn't tell me. But you were there weren't you? They said that you'd be deploying to help us fight-"

She snorted, a derisive, vulgar sort of sound, unamused, I detected, perhaps, contempt? "No, I never got that chance. It wasn't the Angel I had to fight, it was down before I'd even got there, as were unit zero and unit five."

I narrowed my eyes, felt… something, stirring up inside me, some feeling. That anxiety came back, made my stomach hurt. My left arm was tingling, my left lung had that stinging stabbing pain, my ribs hurt… I licked my bottom lip, "So, if the Angel was down… then… No."

I didn't want to believe it, I couldn't have, I wouldn't have. Not against her, not against anyone, not against the people I was trying to save! But… That other voice in my head, the dark one, the devil on my shoulder. You're a killer, Rei.

It couldn't be, I wouldn't.

"Yes. That's exactly what it was."

xxx

My eyes cracked open slowly, a racking cough ripped through my body and blood poured out of my mouth. I was dying, it wouldn't be long. My left arm was gone, part of my shoulder with it. The burned flesh and melted plugsuit sealing the wound was the only thing letting me draw any breath at all, and It wouldn't be long until I was gone.

The plug was punched clean through. I'd telegraphed my attack and the Angel took advantage of my ballistic trajectory to take me out of the fight, out of the _war. _Through the hole in the plug, through the Evangelion itself, I could see unit Zero. Ayanami, she was still fighting, she was going to win. I watched Unit Five roll into view, saw Ayanami climb onto it holding a spear in her right hand.

There was a cloud of smoke and both Evangelions rocketed upwards. They were going to do what I'd tried to do, but they were going to win, to succeed where I'd failed. They'd kill the Angel, they'd kill the next Angel. Even without me, they'd-

Unit Zero slammed into the ground in a cloud of dust and debris, my own damaged Evangelion shook with the impact. As the smoke cleared I could make out one of the Angel's spears pinning Zero to the ground.

"Ay...a…nami..." I croaked out. She couldn't die, not like this, not here and not now. No, I couldn't let it end like that. Not after everything.

I clenched my right hand into a tight fist around the control stick. I wouldn't let Ayanami die. I wouldn't let Misato die. Not today, not ever. Not while there was one single breath left in my body. I wasn't going to lose the only friends I had left. My only… family.

I pulled the trigger on the stick and forced it forward with the strength I had left. The batteries were flat, I didn't care. I had to make Eva move. I needed to make Eva move. I was _going_ to make Eva move.

Another spear shot out from the Angel and nailed Zero to the ground. My blood boiled.

"N...No!"

The blood was rushing in my ears, my heart pounded in my chest harder than it had any right. I leaned forward, rolled onto my stomach, and pushed myself into a standing position. I was wounded, punched through the chest, my left arm hung limp at my side. My right hand was clenched into a fist, the purple armored glove stained red with blood. My blood.

Zero lay at my feet, crippled and twitching, pinned to the ground with a severed power cable, leaking blood and… LCL. This wouldn't stand. I looked up at the Angel, and it fired spears down at me, but this time I was having none of it. My right arm snapped up, hand open, palm outstretched. The AT field snapped into existence and the spears crashed into it and melted into oblivion.

I stared at the creature with such disgust, such contempt, such hatred. I wouldn't tolerate such an abomination, such a creature that would kill Ayanami. I would have my revenge, I would atone for my failure.

I leaped from the ground, leaving a crater behind me as I closed the distance to the Angel's main body in an instant. My good hand grabbed that bony Angelic mask and ripped with everything I had. The stringy flesh resisted, so I lunged forward and bit into it, jerking my head, ripping and tearing-

xxx

I jerked forward, gasping for breath, my face slick with sweat, my hair matted down to my face. I could still taste the metallic coppery flesh, the rubbery skin, the blood. I shuddered and clenched the bed rails in both hands and tried to catch my breath.

Both hands… I looked to my left, my bandaged left hand was clenched around the steel pipe, and yet I remembered what it was like to not have it, having had that… flashback?

"Welcome back, you were gone for a minute."

I snapped my head over to Asuka. It was funny, that dream, or flashback, memory, whatever it was, it gave me an adrenaline rush that cleared the fog and lethargy from my body. I had to know though, what I'd seen, I had to know.

I forced myself upright, dragged myself over the railing of the bed. Adrenaline forced weak muscles into action and I crashed to the tile floor in a pile of tangled limbs and wiring. I grabbed a handful of the sensor leads with my right hand and ripped them out of my gown. The stinging bite of the adhesive pads ripping away from the skin of my chest only served to amplify my drive.

I grabbed onto the bed rail with the left hand that shouldn't even be attached and hoisted myself onto my feet with a powerful yank. My legs wobbled under me, yet I held on. This was important, so very important. I could force myself, for this.

One foot in front of the other, even with the sound of my heart hammering in my ears, I could manage that. Left, right. Little stumble, catch myself, left, right. I just needed a mirror, the private bathroom attached to the hospital room was in front of me, it would work.

I grabbed the neckline of the hospital gown with my right hand and pulled it up and over my head as I shuffled across the room, a half panicked limping gait. The kind of walk a person has when they're forcing their body into doing something that it absolutely doesn't want to do.

With a bit of tugging the loose knots holding the fabric to my body gave way and the thin garment came free and was dropped to the ground unceremoniously. I stumbled into the door and grabbed the handle, shoved it down and was rewarded with the sound of a click and the sudden lack of resistance to the weight of my body against the door.

I fumbled for the light switch and then squinted against the sudden oppressive brightness of the florescent tubes set into the drop ceiling. I braced myself against the stainless steel sink and stared into the mirror. My hair was a mess, my roots were showing, black under the blue it had been dyed, un-brushed, unwashed.

My eyes were bloodshot, the bags under my eyes told a story that the rest of my body already knew by feel: It was a rough time, as of late. The red spots on my chest from the sensor probes that got ripped off sat in stark contrast to the pale skin surrounding them. I needed a tan, what else was new?

My eyes drifted over to the bandages wrapped around my left arm and I grabbed onto the edge of the wrapping and started pulling, unraveling the long strip of gauze. With each unwound coil my eyes grew wider, a sort of mute panicked shock, yet I could not stop.

Healed scars, sure, but with each inch, each foot, I _knew_ that my fears weren't unjustified. While the truth of the matter wasn't anything I'd have ever imagined, the proof staring me in the face was fairly irrefutable. From just to the left of my breast, up and over my shoulder, and down to my waist, a healed, yet still very fresh looking scar.

A scar made ever more obvious by the contrast of my flesh to the right of it to the almost super-naturally pale skin to the left. To the arm that looked just like mine, only… slightly not. I held the two hands together, nearly a match and yet… that left hand was very familiar to me, as I'd seen it before.

The fight, Unit Zero on the ground, being pummeled…

I clenched a fist and turned for the door, she said she was fine, she'd said that Ayanami was okay, but if she was, then how…

I grabbed the door frame with my right hand and pulled myself through the door, running more on fear and panic than anything else, if I had this arm, that meant-

"Ikari, I'm… glad to see you're awake and on your feet," the soft voice said.

I blinked, Rei Ayanami was standing in front of me, wearing her school uniform and most assuredly with both of her arms. How in the hell? I held up my left arm and looked at it, and then past it to Ayanami.

"Ayanami, you're… you're alright?"

"I am," she answered, and I could almost swear I saw the barest hint of a smirk in the corner of her mouth, "and you are naked."


	19. Out of the Fight

Chapter 18:

Out of the Fight

"With respect, that's bullshit."

My arm was itchy. Nerves connected to new, fresh nerves, skin that'd never seen sunlight or felt the air before was getting used to those new sensations, and my brain was trying to get used to the changes. I had a headache, my mouth still tasted like rubbing alcohol, and I really needed to eat something.

"You need to stop looking at it like a punishment, Rei. We're worried about you, we want to make sure you're healed up, both physically and mentally. _You almost died_." She said to me. I could hear the pleading, she wanted me to understand, needed me to see it from her point of view.

"So what's new about that? I could die any time I go out there. We're in the middle of a war and you're putting one of your best assets on the bench? How the hell does that make sense?" I yelled back with my fists clenched down at my sides. At least it wasn't broken anymore, even if it wasn't my arm, eh?

"It doesn't matter anyway," she said after a slight pause, and with a dejected sigh, "Unit One and the entry plug were both damaged extensively in the fight. We couldn't send you out even if we wanted to."

"You can't send me out in Unit One, that doesn't mean I'm an invalid, Misato. The fact that you're still standing should be proof enough of that." I spat back, I could feel my fresh fingernails digging into my new left palm.

"Well, I dunno Rei, I think it's nice havin' ya back and not dead. Maybe we could keep it like that for a while?" A new voice with an osakan accent?

I recognized that Osakan accent.

"Suzuhara?" I turned and looked at the jock, still as I remembered, a bit sharper looking in his nerv uniform.

"Did you miss me?"

I felt the grin pulling at the corners of my mouth and took a few steps toward him, "Yeah, but my aim is improving. Come here." I took another step and pulled him into a hug. He was taller than me, stronger, but that didn't seem to matter as he let me drag him into the embrace.

I guess when a cute girl does something, a teenage boy is inclined to let her do whatever she wants.

Or maybe he really did miss me, one of the few people my own age I could call a friend.

It was almost like a wave of self-awareness washed over me; the simple friendship with someone my own age put the entirety of my recent misadventures in perspective. With everything happening, things seemingly larger than life, Suzuhara was… a constant.

One I was immeasurably thankful for, now more than ever.

I pulled away from the embrace and looked up at him, "So… where's Hikari?"

"Do you need her to hit you in the head with a lunch box again? Will that knock some sense into you?" Misato quipped from the other side of the room.

I shook my head. "Nah, just figured that she and Touji would be joined at the hip. Or, maybe at the lips" I teased. I still needed to eat something.

"Hey it's not… _completely_ like that. And besides, I'm sure you've got somebody that _you're_ hot for, Ikari!" My athletically inclined friend protested.

I felt a little heat in my own cheeks and shrugged, "Maybe there is, maybe there isn't. Still doesn't change the fact that you'd rather be giving Hikari-"

"Anyway," Misato interrupted, "While this is fun and all, I think our meeting here is over. I've got more work to do, and you've got some mandatory down time. Think of it as a vacation."

XXX

A vacation, that was what I needed. Sure.

I hated vacations, there was always this unspoken obligation to go out and do something, go some place, have fun! It wasn't fun if you stayed in one place and just relaxed. It wasn't fun if you weren't moving and doing and experiencing.

I didn't agree with that though.

I had always been the staycation queen; take time off, stay home, do nothing. That made it even better then, that there was a beach right here in Tokyo-3. Not on the ocean, that wouldn't have been that fun with the blood sea anyway, but on one of the many, many lakes dotting the countryside.

And it was permanently hot and humid anyway so it may as well have been the ocean. The real one, not the dead one in this shitty universe.

Still, it was nice to get some sun, for sure. Laying back on a beach chair, tanning and pretending that there weren't sixteen, no, I looked over to the treeline, make that seventeen section two agents making very sure that nobody tried to kill me, and that I didn't _somehow_ end up on a jet over the pacific again.

You know, just in case.

Still, scars didn't tan very well at all, and as my bikini made readily apparent to anyone with eyes to look, I had an extremely alarming number of them. Mostly centered around my left side and my new arm, that angry looking slash down my side that showed exactly where they'd grafted quite a bit of _new body_ onto my own thrashed one.

So I was still hot as hell, just in a 'Lady Frankenstein' kinda way. Yeah, no ego here at all. Part Ikari, part Ayanami, all Rei, all the way. It was as good a guess as any as to where they'd gotten the parts to put me back together. It beat a broken arm any day of the week.

I was the human version of a custom hot rod.

I sighed and cracked my neck. It was still boring as all hell. After the fighter jet combat, the angelic beat-down in unit one, and everything else that had been happening in my life, trying to relax just felt like somebody turned the volume on my life down to mute.

"Nice lake. Is your handiwork?"

I tilted my head to the side and looked over at the Russian-accented speaker. He was familiar to me, a Very large Russian man, Naval uniform. Oh.

"Captain-Lieutenant, nice to see you again? What brings you to my beach?" I asked the man. Denisovich was quite possibly the last person I would have expected to see here.

"Is your beach? Forgive my intrusion," he laughed. "I had hoped to see you sooner. We had heard that you were injured in the most recent battle but NERV would not allow visitors." He paused and I caught his eyes lingering on my numerous scars, "However, I am pleased to see that you are still in one piece, the rest of the crew will be relieved."

I laughed and shook my head, yeah one piece. "The rest of the crew? I didn't think I met that many of them."

"Not as such, no. However, you made quite an impression when you made such productive use of our fighter jet. After that, well, you were talk of the ship."

I nodded. That must have been quite something from the deck of the ship. I wish I'd felt as heroic about it as they seemed to think I was. "I do kinda wonder though, how did you manage to find me on this beach of all places?"

"I _may_ have called in a favor or two with the KGB. Was no trouble at all to find you once you came back to the surface."

I laughed and shook my head in disbelief, "You called in a favor with the KGB to have a conversation with me? What did Section Two have to say about that?"

"As I said, I may have called in a favor or two with the KGB." he stated in a flat, matter of fact tone.

I blinked when the pieces clicked together in my head. "Oh. That's… very enlightening."

He nodded. "Truth is, for the most part, cooperation between our organizations is paramount, so most requests are granted. 'Little blue hair girl' being on vacation makes _this_ request even more likely to be granted."

"Seems like a lot of effort to go through just to talk to say hi." I looked up at him with a slight frown. "Is that _really_ all you came for?"

There was a lot I could believe, but a Russian naval officer deciding to just 'hang out' with a fourteen year old Japanese girl 'just because' strained my credulity.

"Your fight over Japan has important men concerned. This 'Rose' is a dangerous woman, she's a risk to you, and so she is a risk to all of us. The truth is, we have been unofficially assigned to look after you. I suspect the Americans have a similar arrangement. You could call it a favor. If this 'Rose' shows up again, we will come to your aid."

XXX

I'd been left with no shortage of questions and fewer answers than I would like. So the Russians were sticking around in Japan. Kitty Hawk was here too, I knew that because I'd _landed _there. Most of the fleet was probably with it.

I really wish I had a gun.

As if a _war_ against otherworldly (but not _really_) beings wasn't bad enough, now I had the Russians and quite possibly the Americans as well trying to groom me for who knows what. And whatever organization Rose was part of.

Somehow, I didn't think that was the last I was going to see of her. After what she did to Misato, she'd better hope it _was._

I frowned. I was torn about how to feel about the air battle, still. On the one hand it was pretty clear cut that they _earned_ everything I did to them. On the other, there could have been a better way.

But then what they did to Misato, what they did to Asuka. What they did to the people at Travis. Even if they were right, they had gone about it in such a wrong way…

I'd gladly be on the wrong side if it meant I hadn't acted like them.

I kicked a discarded can down the sidewalk, the roads clearly hadn't been getting cleaned between the crater lake and the apartment. With all the devastation in the city recently they probably had more important things to worry about than litter control.

I was momentarily taken by the mental image of a janitor lamenting his lot in life while trying to mop up the millions of gallons of Angel blood that had been spilled in the city. A little old Japanese man with a mop, staring at this wall of blood and gore rushing across the city with a look of bitter resignation.

I _chortled. _

It wasn't the most ladylike of sounds, but damn it felt _appropriate. _

Of course, the Russians we were following me a few hundred meters behind me probably got a laugh out of it too. They weren't doing a very good job of being covert, but at least they weren't trying to get in my way.

It was a little difficult not to think of them badly. They were ostensibly protectors, if I was to take Denisovich at his word. That of course didn't change the fact that it was still the _KGB_. What I, She, remembered, well, it didn't always paint them in the best light.

The same could definitely be said of the CIA though, and if the Americans were truly involved, the alphabet agencies wouldn't be far away. From there it was only a hop skip an a jump to some truly insane spy-vs-spy bullshit that would only make my life more complicated than it was.

Still, it had to be a hilarious sight for anyone watching. A small blue haired girl with way too many scars, in a white sun dress, being followed by men in black suits trying and failing to be inconspicuous. It probably would have worked if we hadn't been in a relatively deserted part of the city.

It seemed like more and more people were leaving every day.

The sound of a car engine shook me from my reverie and I stopped to look over my shoulder at the approaching… Honda Civic. Somehow I'd prepared myself for something a little more imposing or at least flashy.

But, the little blue car was slowing down and eventually pulled up along side me and sstopped. And the window rolled down. And I rolled my eyes.

"We've got to stop meeting like this," I said with a frown. _Him?_ Of all of the people that the Americans would send… Actually it kind of made sense. We'd already met and developed a working relationship, of sorts. We'd had _Dennys_.

"Hey at least you're sober this time." Becket said from the driver's seat of the car. Good ol' Bucket.

"That's what you think. I'm drunk with power. You know, when I said you could join us in Tokyo-3, I wasn't actually serious. I don't think I have room in my bed for two," I joked with a shake of my head.

"Nothing like that, I've got a place to stay I promise." He laughed, "Besides, I heard what you did the other day. I might have to start calling you ace."

"I'd love it if you didn't."

"Well, fair enough. What's with all the suits?"

"KGB. Long story. How did you find me?"

"Long story. Need a ride?"

I shrugged, why not? "Sure. No grub stop this time?" I asked as I grabbed onto the door handle to get into the car.

"'Fraid not. Actually, I need to see Katsuragi." He explained while I buckled myself in.

The seat felt new, clean, despite the apparent age of the car. Interesting, that detail might be important later. I filed it away in the back of my mind.

"That's not shocking. Do I have some kind of tracking bug implanted in my head or something? You're the second _totally random_ member of a military group that's just _happened_ to stumble across me today."

"Do you want the truth or do you want me to tell you something to make you feel better?" He asked as he pushed the car into gear and pulled away from the curb.

"Which one keeps me from jumping out of the car and running screaming into the wilderness, never to be seen again?"

"Well, given what happened with the pacific fleet, and then again what happened in California-"

"Let me stop you right there, I think I've seen this movie before," I cut him off. "The Americans want you to follow me around because they're afraid of whatever group tore Travis a new one?"

"Basically."

"And I'm guessing Nerv is okay with this."

"Basically."

"Did you bring the rest of the flight with you?"

"The ones that made it out of Travis." He went quiet after that, his voice flattened, the emotion fell out of it.

I clenched my fist against the seat cushion. So it was that bad. I shouldn't have been surprised. "I'm sorry."

"Don't worry about it. You paid them back for it. With any luck we won't be seeing any of them again."

I noded. "Yeah. Have you seen the gun camera footage from the Viper Zero?"

"Yep."

"And?"

"Got no complaints."

I sat back and leaned my head into the seat. No complaints huh? He saw what I did then. He saw everything that happened. He didn't disapprove. That… actually made me feel a lot better.

I sat quietly for a minute, then felt a smirk creeping onto my face. "So, you're going to try to put the moves on Misato."

"You're not wrong."


	20. By Any Other Name

Chapter 19:  
By Any Other Name

What I wouldn't have given to understand the girl staring back at me in the mirror. To understand both of what had come before, that I might understand what the future would hold. I couldn't help but feel that the person I'd become, the two parts that made the whole, was somehow worse than what composed it.

Rei Ikari wouldn't have had the courage, That Other Girl would have had self control. Misato wouldn't have gotten hurt, those other pilots would be alive, and the carrier wouldn't have been shot down. Right?

Maybe.

I frowned and straightened the red necktie that was part of my uniform. My yellow sweater-vest was… a comforting bit of familiarity, and I was glad to be wearing it again. It meant school again, but that wasn't necessarily a bad thing.

At least _they_ didn't know about the blood on my hands, couldn't see it.

I clenched my left hand into a fist and stepped away from the mirror. That wasn't a line of thought I needed to drag myself down yet again. It's not about the past, I'm fighting for the future, right? Those who can fight, securing a future paid for in blood.

So maybe I couldn't force myself down a different line of thought. But then, I wasn't wrong. Every war in human history was paid for with the blood of innocents. _This_ war was to ensure that humanity was more than just history, it was for us to have a future, right?

Anyone who would try to stop that… they were on the wrong side of history.

"Lookin' sharp there kiddo."

I felt a smile tugging at the corner of my mouth and turned around to face Misato. "I try."

She was looking a lot better, the bandages had come off. The scars never would. She still had a cane, and a limp. How many people was I going to get almost killed?

Or kill, for that matter.

"Not going to wear the proper uniform then?"

I looked down at my canary yellow vest. "No, this is… special to me. If they don't like it, they can pilot the giant robot."

"Don't forget you're off the active roster right now, Rei."

"Oh, I couldn't forget that," I muttered back. My fist started to clench at my side.

She frowned, she'd noticed my body language, not that I'd been trying too hard to hide it. "Look, Rei-"

I shook my head and cut her off "I'm leaving, call me if you need me to kill something. I know, I know, I'm not allowed to pilot Evangelion right now, but I think we've established that I don't need one to get the job done, and that's what I'm useful for, right?"

I spun on my heel and stormed out of the apartment, my blood was boiling. This wasn't like me, it wasn't like her either, but I couldn't keep it in. I was irrationally angry, and I couldn't really, _really _convince myself she was wrong for keeping me out of the entry plug.

But I was hurt, so I wanted to hurt her back.

My right hand hurt, my nails had dug into my palm and drew blood. Was it Evangelion that had made me feel like this? Was it a result of my injuries? The replacement arm? Maybe it was because of whatever it was that made me into… whatever the hell I was now.

And for that matter, to hell with school. It might have been important, once upon a time, but now? What the hell was the point? I had already found my place in life, hadn't I? Point me and pull the trigger.

My shoes clicked against the pavement, I was walking fast, my adrenaline was pumping from my anger, fight or flight short circuited with no real outlet. I didn't have a destination, I wasn't paying attention to the direction, I was just moving, because that's what I could do.

XXX

The sun was beating down on the back of my neck and the humidity was uncomfortably high. The air tasted like, for lack of a better word, plants. By the time I'd calmed down and bothered to pay attention to my surroundings I'd found myself on the outskirts of the city, there were more trees than houses, more grass than sidewalks. It was as though civilization had abruptly ended, deciding that nature could keep this part of the land.

I'd run away, like _he_ would have done. What that other girl had done, and what the me before I was _me_ wanted to do, every day.

It was the first time I'd really gone _into_ nature since I'd been here. It was pleasant, not necessarily calming but it helped to distance myself from my problems, at least for a little while.

But then, there was that part of me that wished, that knew, if Misato hadn't been with me, I'd have pointed the nose east after Alaska and not stopped till the tanks were dry in a misguided effort to resume a life that had never been mine. To reconnect with family and friends that had never been _mine_ in the first place.

I knew they were alive. I could feel that, somehow. _Her _family, those people who she'd known, they weren't the type to go gentle into that good night.

There wasn't a place for me there, any more than there was a world in which I didn't have to fight. A world in which I truly fit in, or a world in which I got to have the happy lovers ending.

There were two people, really, who'd have fit the requirements for that, for me, and neither was within my grasp… not really.

Who would have thought a chance to start over as a teenager would be such a burden?

I blinked my eyes and was suddenly aware of just how _quiet_ it had become. The cicadas had stopped, no birds chirping, just the sound of the wind in the trees-

Section Two wasn't following me. They were good, but there was always a tell, distant footsteps, muffled voices, something to indicate that I wasn't alone, something to make _me_ feel secure.

And it was gone.

Had I ducked them completely? With the Americans and the Russians both following me, could I really have gotten away from them?

The first blow came from behind and I stumbled forward, the second blow had me face down on the ground in a cloud of dust, then there was a weight against my back, a hand on my head, and something sharp poking me in the neck.

"You're not very skilled outside of the cockpit are you? That's good to know. And here I was hoping you'd been taken out in that last fight, but taken out of active duty is good enough for my purposes," The voice was… familiar, not quite hateful, but dripping with fake sweetness. She was angry.

I winced at the poking in my neck. "So, what, are you just going to kill me then?" I asked. I caught sight of some of the woman's skin, a little darker than my own, something was familiar about it.

"No, I couldn't do that, little Ikari. There's something about you that just _draws_ me to you. I can't quite put my finger on it, but I noticed it right after you killed all my men, right after… hmm, is she your lover I wonder? That Katsuragi," the woman continued. Rose, that's who it was, the woman who never gave me her real name, and seemed to know too much about me.

I spit into the dirt and tried to shake her off of me, until the tip of her knife pressed firmer against my skin, "As if I'd ever tell you. I don't know how you got off that carrier, but you should know that if you kill me, there won't be a place on this earth you can hide. You know that right?"

I felt her shift on me, and then heard her inhaling, _smelling me?_ "Oh _no_, little Ikari. I have no reason, no need to kill you. Nerv is who I am after, and you're far too _interesting_ for me to kill. I even respect you, you did what you had to do, to save the one you love. Right? I wouldn't do anything differently. No, child, you get to live, as long as you stay out of an Evangelion cockpit."

I felt the knife point pull away from my neck and I turned my head to try to get a look at her face, she shoved my face down into the dirt and I spit again, "You know if you let me go, even if I don't have Evangelion, you know I can still fight you. If you let me live here, you know I'll fight you again."

I felt her lips press into the back of my neck. "Little Ikari, if I kill you now, you won't have to live with what you've done." She laughed, "That doesn't mean I can't hurt you though."

I felt her weight pull off of me for an instant, then I heard a loud crackling sound and every muscle in my body locked up, my lungs started to burn for oxygen I couldn't take in… and then it all went dark.

XXX

I awoke to the sound of rustling leaves and a taste in my mouth not entirely unlike a handful of nine volt batteries mixed with airbag propellant. The back of my neck felt like I'd spent too long in the sun, and with skin like mine that could get a little _intense._

She'd had a knife, but instead opted to knock me out with a stun gun. For better or worse, I knew what that felt like. It didn't feel like a trip to the spa.

There was, however, one thing I was absolutely certain of: that bitch was crazy.

The rustling of the leaves grew louder, so I figured it might be time to actually open my eyes and see what all the fuss was about. I cracked my eyes open hesitantly, unsure of, of all things, the light levels. Nothing makes a headache like the one I was becoming increasingly aware of better quite like opening your eyes into direct sunlight.

Not that I'd had to worry, six men were blocking most of the, much dimmer than I'd expected, sunlight. Not suits, and not quite plain clothes. They were dressed in the polo and cargo pants attire that screamed 'I'm military but I'm pretending I'm not' to anyone with eyes.

Two of them were crouched next to me, one of whom had a stick in his hands and looked like he'd been getting ready to poke me with it, the other four standing on perimeter.

I opened my eyes the rest of the way and opened my mouth with an annoyed grunt. "Yeah, I'm not dead. Feel like it though."

"-found her, yes. She's awake." I heard one of the guys standing on perimeter say into his radio. Accent was definitely American. _Interesting._

"Could have used you guys a few hours ago..." I muttered under my breath and started to sit up. Stick-guy put his hand behind my back and helped me up, the other Crouching Nameless nodded to Stick, and stood up to walk away.

"You'll be alright. We weren't sure if we should move you, but ah, well you woke up well enough on our own," Stick guy said to me. He sounded American too.

"Is this a kidnapping? You're not Section Two, right?" I asked over the dull ringing in my ears. If I could go a day without getting the shit knocked out of me, I might just die of shock.

"Actually… no. We'll explain the rest of it later. For right now, we're… friends of a friend. It took us a while to track you down- I'll let Becket explain it when we meet up with him, we're extracting… right about now actually."

"Extracting? What the hell's going on?!" I yelled suddenly. I clenched my right hand into a fist, and everything in my soul was telling me to wind up for the knockout. All of that rage from before started boiling up again. _Stop treating me like a child._

The other men glanced at me for a moment, but Stick-guy was the only one to actually respond to me. "Look, we'll explain it when we have the time. You're not the only one who had an interesting day today. There was an attack, and the city's being evacuated."

"An attack? An Angel?" I asked, I felt my fist relaxing. I needed medication, I shouldn't be this erratic-

"No… and yes. You'll see. We're leaving." He said, and gestured towards the sky.

I followed his hand and saw a helicopter coming in _hot_. It was bigger than the Huey I'd ridden on before, and it was flying way too fast to set down, not that there was a clearing big enough. I only had a few seconds to think about it before the helicopter was overhead and had pulled into a high G turn to spill off speed and altitude at the last moment.

The rotor wash nearly knocked me off my feet, they were definitely in a hurry. I couldn't help but wonder what would inspire such recklessness. But then, I was probably about to find out.


	21. For you, my friend

Chapter 20:  
For you, my friend.

So that I'd have to live with what I'd done. That's what she had said to me before she'd jammed the stun gun into my neck. So that I'd have to live with what I'd done? I had done nothing she hadn't forced my hand into doing.

But it was also nothing I hadn't been willing to do. Part of me certainly enjoyed it. It was nothing that other girl hadn't done. It _was_ something _he_ wouldn't have done. It was something the old me wouldn't do.

I sighed and clenched, then relaxed my fist. We'd meet again, of that I was sure. Next time, I'd get my answers from her, or I'd get even.

The helicopter set down on the flight deck with a dull thud and a slight tremble, far less violent than embarking had been, and for that matter the ride itself. Whatever _had_ happened had them all spooked as hell; we'd been flying balls to the wall, fifty feet off the deck, the whole way to Yokosuka.

Yokosuka was… different. The naval base was about the only thing left of the original city, rising sea levels and all that. Not that I'd likely have had the time for exploration anyway. The _Kitty Hawk_ was as I remembered it, less the damage it had taken during the battle in the arctic.

I stepped out of the helicopter and when my feet hit the deck I was aware of the _almost_ imperceptible tilting of the deck. A ship of _Kitty Hawk_'s size was very stable, but it would never be _quite_ as solid as the _planet_ was.

They were definitely on high alert. There seemed to be an endless cycle of jets cycling on and off the deck, to say nothing of the four _Iowa_-class battleships forming a loose perimeter alongside.

"Glad you could join us Miss Ikari. It's been too long."

I turned on my heel to face the source of the voice that had broken my concentration on the fleet. "Captain Clark. You know, I didn't think you'd go to such great lengths to bring me back for that dinner," I offered with a laugh. "You know, there are probably better places to evacuate me to."

"But none safer," he replied with a smile. He was holding something back. He had to be, I refused to believe that it was an accident that they'd found me after my encounter with Rose. I think that was just coincidence, they'd probably been looking for me anyway.

"Four battleships and an aircraft carrier could give a girl that impression. So where's Becket?" I asked. I couldn't get a read on the situation, something was just a little off about this whole thing. But then, I was supposed to trust Clark, wasn't I?

"On mission. You should come inside. Things have happened."

XXX

The officer's mess, with actual seafood, was not where I'd expected my day to end up. With both Clark _and_ Denisovich, no less. The silence was tense, broken only by the sounds of my own chewing.

I wasn't about to let actual seafood, and who knows _how_ they got it, go to waste.

The guards outside of the room were armed to the teeth, full tactical gear, armor, M4s, the works. Whether that was to keep others out, or to keep me _in_, remained to be seen.

I looked up at the two men sitting opposite me at the table, "So-"

"I would like to begin by clearing the air as to the nature of this meeting," Denisovich interrupted. "I have been directed by… _actors_ outside of my standard chain of command to capture Miss Ikari, should the opportunity present. I suspect that Captain Clark has received similar instructions as well, yes?"

Clark nodded and turned to me, "He's not wrong. I've elected to ignore this directive. You could consider this to be a professional courtesy extended due in no small part to your actions in the arctic. I believe the Captain-Lieutenant feels the same way."

"This is correct."

I jerked my head towards the door, "Forgive my impertinence; if you're not capturing me why the guards?"

"That's for appearances sake. What's important is that you're safe on the _Kitty Hawk_, for a short while anyway, and no-one will be looking for you here. These accommodations are certainly more to your liking than what these back-channel actors have in mind, I assure you," Clark explained while eying the door as well.

I looked down at my new left arm and back up, "Yeah, I imagine they've got more than a few questions… So what's this about an evacuation, an attack?"

"Your friend, this _'_Rose', has been very busy today. She and her group raided a Russian airbase and attacked key power facilities in and around Tokyo-3 four hours ago. Three hours ago an Angel was detected in orbit on an intercept trajectory with the city. Katsuragi passed this information to us two hours ago," Clark explained.

"So she's armed again? I'm enjoying this less and less."

So the lunatic chick was making her moves again. Telling me to keep out of Evangelion, not that it would have made a difference since Misato had me pulled from active duty. The IPEA pilot, Asuka, and Ayanami, could handle one Angel by themselves. But with Rose back in the picture…

"It is unfortunately worse than that." Denisovich shook his head, "Among captured aircraft were at least two Sukhoi PAK FA and an unknown number of Su-35 aircraft. Airbase was bombed shortly after."

"What we would like to know, is if you have anything you can tell us about this 'Rose', you've fought her twice now, and we do know she contacted you shortly before your extraction. I understand if this is difficult, but we don't have much time-"

"No, it's fine." I answered quickly, blinking away a tear. "There are some things I can't explain, that you wouldn't understand. She seemed familiar to me. I didn't see her face, she wouldn't let me, but there was something about her that I _remembered. _She was familiar in a way that… In the same way the cockpit of that F-2B was familiar to me."

I paused for a moment, that… was the way meeting her felt. Like something from that other girl's past, something I couldn't quite put my finger on.

"For what it's worth," I continued, "I don't think she means to kill me. I think that she's more concerned with preventing the Evangelions from being used than to actually kill people… though she's clearly willing to kill to make that happen. She told me she would let me live as long as I didn't pilot again."

Denisovich leaned back in his chair and stared at the wall behind me, "This does match what we _do_ know of her. Her group has a stated anti-Nerv goal. We don't believe her to be the leader of the group, only one part of it."

"This isn't making me feel that secure. Why are you even telling me all of this? I'm just a kid, right?" I rubbed my forehead and leaned against the table. And this, after they extended the offer of help before? It sounded like they were under orders to take me off the table.

"You're right. And as loath as I am to send a child into a fight, I don't think another four years would really make me feel all that much better. No, I think for better or worse that word doesn't apply to you anymore. Not after I saw a little girl climb into a fighter jet and do what grown men couldn't or wouldn't do." Clark paused and stood up from his chair.

"Captain?" I tilted my head in confusion. This wasn't a one-eighty from his reaction to my piloting Evangelion, but it was close.

He turned to me and smiled, or tried to. "I can't take you away from here, as much as I wish I could. There's something important for you to do here. You can do something I can't. I can't keep your safe on this ship and do what I need to do, and you wouldn't be able to do what you need to do… no." he paused, "I'm not really being very clear. I haven't rehearsed this you know? Once this passes, when we come out of the other side of this battle. When Nerv has you back on _their_ radar, when we no longer have the plausible-deniability to spirit you away, we can revisit this conversation."

I blinked a few times and stood up I felt a little shaky on my legs. Stress probably. "So you're going to put me in a situation where too many people have eyes on me to get away with a smash and grab."

He smiled, genuinely this time. "What I'm saying is that this is my ship, and my fleet. These men and women are under my command. I'm not going to do the wrong thing, order my people to do the wrong thing, because of some hidden agenda cloak and dagger bullshit. I'm certainly not letting the world end over politics."

"As far as Russian navy is concerned, I have not seen you here. Of course, last time I saw you, you were on the beach." Denisovich laughed.

"I still don't understand exactly what you meant when you said you didn't like to send a child into a fight."

"Well… as it happens I have something of yours that I've been meaning to return."

XXX

"The most beautiful girl that I did ever see, I dreamt that one day I would get inside her. I finally got my way, I ride her every day. She's the only one for me and she's a Viper," I muttered under my breath, the words from a long forgotten memory, brought back to me in that moment.

That other girl, she'd been a Mudhen driver through and through, but I wasn't her, was I? No. I was something else entirely, and I'd felt a kinship with this machine. Not like the bond with the Eva, but no less valid either.

We'd fought and killed together.

Besides, when it came down to it the F-2B could turn circles around the 15E. But if Rose had flankers…

I was to leave the Kitty Hawk. I didn't have the fuel to make it to North America, not from here. Still, three bags could get me far from here, far from the fighting, far from Rose, from Evangelion, from the war.

It felt damn good to be back in the pilot's seat, back in the flight suit, with a helmet that fit. They'd even put my name under the edge of the canopy. 'R. Ikari.' and 'M. Katsuragi' was a nice touch.

I punched through the MFD weapons inventory. It didn't tell me anything I hadn't already seen when they'd taken me out to the flight deck to see it. Two Sidewinders, four AMRAAMs, three drop tanks. Loaded for bear, but with flankers in place I could see the appeal.

Still, it made me wonder what kind of shit the Americans had on the shelf, if they were so casually loading me up with this much firepower.

I dropped the canopy and was satisfied when I heard it lock. The flight deck crew was under the nose gear securing it to the catapult. Everything that other girl's memory told me said that a Viper Zero had never been rated for this, but then this wasn't that girl's world.

I felt lonely with the back seat empty, though.

"Iris, ready for departure."

And I waited, hands on throttle and stick. At least my arm wasn't broken this time. I had to wonder what was taking them so long, I was ready to go, I was on the catapult. I might not have known exactly where I was going to go but-

"_Iris, stand by."_

That might not be okay. I craned my neck to look over my shoulder towards the conning tower, and caught sight of a super hornet being lifted up on the elevator.

"What's going on?" I called out into the radio. "It's getting kind of crowded out here."

"_We're taking you off the catapult. Cylon flight has engaged in combat in Tokyo 3 airspace. We're sending support."_

Cylon flight? Becket? Taking me off the catapult? No. _Hell no. _

"Negative, _Kitty Hawk. _If you want me off the catapult, fire it." I could kill, I'd killed. I had a reason to kill, and people to kill for. If Bucket was fighting flankers and needed backup, I wasn't gonna stand by and just let somebody else do it.

"_Have it your way. Throttle up and prepare for release."_

I gripped the throttle in my left hand and pushed it forward to the lock. The plane shuddered as it fought to move, the afterburner lit and sprayed the blast shield with fire. An instant later my head pressed itself into the back of my helmet as the catapult released and I found myself accelerated to flight speed and hurling into the sky.

The airspeed indicator rose along with my altitude as I leaned into the stick and brought the nose up. I snapped my finger over the landing gear actuator and started bringing them in, before too much longer I'd be going too fast for it to be safe to leave them extended.

While I was picking up speed under full afterburner, I toggled through my MFD and armed the AIM-120s. I felt I was going to need them sooner than later.

It was funny, I had no idea where I'd go, just that I could run away if I wanted to, and they were going to let me, going to help me. But then this? They couldn't have planned something to keep me around better if they'd tried.

I looked to the west, towards Tokyo 3. I wasn't that far away, really. Could be there in minutes, and if this was what it was supposed to be… I looked up towards the sky, it was faint, but visible it wouldn't be too long now. The thing they would evacuate the whole city for. An Angel falling from the sky.

Was that Rose's plan then? Attack the Evangelions while they were distracted in a fight, try to kill one, or more, of them? It made sense. It's what I would do. It's not like an Evangelion had much in the way of countermeasures against a fighter jet. That wasn't what they were for.

"_This is Kitty Hawk Actual. Ikari, be advised; communications with Cylon flight are down, too much interference. You need to relay a message: Nuclear weapons are in play. Repeating; Nuclear weapons are in play."_

I felt my throat tighten up. So that was the plan then, it made sense. The Eva pilots would never see it coming. Misato would never see it coming. The Eva's would be so preoccupied with the fight that they'd never get their AT fields up in time.

But they wouldn't have to.

"Copy, _Kitty Hawk_. I'll pass along the message. Iris out."

I clenched my fist around the throttle and eased the stick back to bring the nose up and keep my air speed from getting too high. Altitude was energy and I was going to rain down like an angry god.

Maybe.

My hands were slick with sweat and I felt a knot deep in my stomach. I wasn't _angry_ like I was before. I wasn't on autopilot, I had a few minutes to think about what I was about to get into. I had the time to realize I might die.

But there was a world counting on the Eva pilots. I could help them, right? I could try to stop Rose's people, because who else could they be?

I could see radar contacts a hundred nautical miles out, but the returns were distorted, the Angel no doubt. It was blocking radio transmissions, it stood to reason that it could play hell with the radar.

If I was lucky they wouldn't see me coming, but that could backfire quick if the raptors couldn't figure out who I was.

I reached over to the MFD and dialed through it, then punched the center drop tank, leveled off, and watched the airspeed climb. The loss of weight and drag caused the plane to accelerate much harder, in a few moments I passed through mach one point five and climbing.

I rolled my head a few times, cracked my neck, and nudged into the rudder. I could see Tokyo-3 getting bigger and bigger in the center of my HUD.

"Iris to Cylon One-One, come back." I called out into the radio.

Static answered me back, static with… something under it, something disturbing, made me uncomfortable.

Fucking Angel.

"Gotta die of something..." I muttered and reached over to jettison the two remaining drop tanks.

The aircraft lurched hard with the loss in weight and drag, I could see the fight ahead of me, lots of tracer fire. The flankers must have been giving the raptors hell.

"Iris transmitting in the blind; Cylon One-One, be advised hostiles have possession of an armed nuclear weapon. I am on station and preparing to engage."

I clenched my fist around the control stick. That was a hell of a furball I was getting myself involved in. I pulled back out of afterburner and aligned on an aircraft at the edge of the engagement. The raptors were outnumbered, that any of them were still alive was a testament to skill.

Still no response, I rolled the radio over to guard and listened for any kind of communication. Unencrypted comms might have fared better-

What the raptors needed was a distraction.

The radar lock tone filled my ears and I slapped down the firing stud. "Fox Three!" I called out by instinct as the missile rocketed off the rail. Broadcasting on guard, everyone would be able to hear it, but then that was the point.

I was well over mach two, I only had a second, maybe a second and a half, and I'd be out the other side of the fight, but my AMRAAM lanced towards the fighter I'd locked up. Hitting him didn't matter, he just had to know I'd fired on him. The missile went pitbull the second it left the rail, so maybe it had a chance.

I grit my teeth and leaned back on the stick as I passed through the fight, the airframe shook as I pulled hard G's to climb out over the fight. A detached part of me wondered what Misato and the Evangelion pilots would think, if they were looking up at that moment.

I keyed up my mic, "Rose! You're out there, right Rose? I'm fighting your men, that's what you don't want, right? Why don't you come stop me, Rose!"

I kept leaning on the stick until the nose was in the vertical, turning my airspeed into as much altitude as-

I blinked, in front of me was a gigantic eye, attached to the most horrifying thing I'd ever seen in the sky.

It was the Angel, and it was coming.


	22. I would end the world

Chapter 21:  
I would end the world

But I'd fought scarier things; before Evangelion, before Tokyo-3. Before this girl's memories got dropped into my head, and before I'd forgotten who I was, for a little while.

The Angel could wait, that wasn't my responsibility. Ayanami, Asuka, the IPEA pilot; They could handle it.

My hand clenched around the throttle and I jerked it back to the idle position and pulled the stick straight back. The force of the maneuver pressed me down into the seat, made the blood rush from my head, but I didn't need to hold it for long.

The ground filled my canopy, and I punched the throttle to full dry thrust. I had a specific target in mind, and the Flankers were too busy with the Raptors, and soon the Super Hornets, to bother with me. I stepped into the rudder and shed altitude as the airspeed built up.

The ground rushed up quickly, the city's buildings had already been retracted for the most part, and so my target would stand out even better. Not that it would have been hard to stop in the first place.

I caught the flash of yellow out of the corner of my eye, and rolled in. I was still doing mach one from the dive, I'd have to shed airspeed, but it should work. It would have to.

I stepped into the rudder and craned my neck to look over my shoulder, nothing… nothing chasing me, yet. The Flankers couldn't afford to disengage even still, but that was what I was counting on.

I chopped throttle down to idle and leveled off into a shallow left bank towards what I could now make out clearly as the form of Evangelion Unit-00. It was big enough, even at this range, that I felt like it could snatch me out of the sky without a second thought.

But if anyone would understand my message, it would be Ayanami.

And I had to risk it.

I dropped under five hundred feet and pushed the gear lever to the down position. Immediately I felt the difference in handling as the drag profile of the aircraft changed, and it was at this point that I was my most vulnerable.

"Let's see if I remember how this works..." I muttered to myself as the landing gear indicators all flashed green. I snapped my finger down on the landing light toggle. That worked.

"Hmm, morse code..." I tapped the switch down and back up. Up down, up down.

N-U-C-F-L-A-S-H

She didn't react, or didn't seem like it. I pulled more throttle and dropped the flaps, I was going to take a low slow pass on her head and see if she got the picture.

I eased the stick over and settled in on a shallow glide slope toward the Evangelion's head, from straight on. Again I flashed out my message.

N-U-C-F-L-A-S-H

I glanced over at my radio panel and tapped out another sequence. The transmitters in the Evangelion had to be a hell of a lot more powerful than my radioset. They could probably cut through the jamming, right?

I-K-A-R-I

2-4-3-M-H-Z

I dropped my hand to the gear lever and locked it in the 'up' position, I couldn't afford to keep going this low and slow. I might have already killed myself, but the message needed to be passed along.

The gear retracted with a subdued rumble until they locked back into position. I stepped into the left rudder and rolled away from the Evangelion. I pushed the throttle forward and I rolled the flap selector back to zero degrees.

I could only hope that somebody figured it out, if anyone was left-

"_Be advised, message relayed from Pilot Ikari: Nuclear threat imminent."_

Atta girl Ayanami.

The Hornets would be engaging soon, that gave me the opportunity to pull away from the fight and gain some altitude. Get a good picture of the situation. Get clear of the Angel if it came to that.

Or other options involving the Angel.

I caught a flash of movement to my low ten and rolled left to get a better look; Unit-00 had ejected its power cable and began the sprint. It was happening now. That meant the nuke would be in play soon, right?

I eased back on the stick and brought the nose higher, I had to get altitude fast. I could turn it back into airspeed later but I needed to see the bigger picture. Okay, so, if I was a nuclear weapon where would I be?

It wouldn't be with the Flankers, they were stuck in a dogfight with the Raptors and the Hornets. They'd either be fleeing or dying very soon.

I wouldn't trust someone else with that kind of payload if it was my missile. So I didn't think Rose would either. And I hadn't seen her. They'd stolen a PAK though. A stealth aircraft, so it wouldn't show up on radar would it?

And she wouldn't be in the fight… no she'd wait. I would wait. Draw everyone in, and at the last minute-

"Fly in out of the sun so nobody sees it coming." I muttered into my oxygen mask. That had to be the plan, it made sense, it was simple, and it would kill everyone. It is what _I _would have done.

I punched the throttle up into afterburner and tore for altitude. The PAK FA could out run, out gun, and out turn me any day of the week, but if I got the drop on her I might just have a chance… I jut had to watch my fuel.

After clearing another ten thousand feet I dropped back into dry thrust. I had about two thirds of my fuel left. I had to be careful. I had four missiles left and a full drum of twenty millimeter.

At least I wasn't heavy.

I leveled off at thirty thousand as the falling Angel passed through headed the other direction. The wind shear pushed my jet into a shallow roll but I corrected.

It was go time. I flipped my fire control radar into active and started pinging the hell out of the sky in front of me. As long as she wasn't behind me I should be able to find something.

Maybe.

I caught a return, barely distinguished from the ground scatter, just for a second. It might have been the PAK, but it might have been a Raptor too.

I rolled the weapon selection over to the remaining AIM-120s and warmed up the seekers. Whoever it was, if it was anyone, they _might_ react to their RWR twigging out.

The circle on my hud popped up as the seeker started looking for something to lock onto, a moment later my eye caught motion. Low and to my eleven o'clock, I saw a dim flash as a pair of afterburners lit up.

And it was _not_ a Raptor. It was burning for distance from the fight, rather than toward it, but I wasn't going to take any chances. I switched the missile over to boresight and slapped the firing stud. The aircraft jolted as the missile dropped off the rail and the rocket motor ignited.

The PAK was stealth, but at close range even the best stealth fighter had a radar return, and once that AMRAAM got close enough it _should_ lock on and kill it.

A bright flash of light blinded me from my low ten, the Angel or the nuke? A moment later I felt the shockwave hit my jet and I felt my stomach drop out. The warnings screamed in the cockpit and I felt my head pinned to the side of the canopy.

Flat spin. I jerked my hand back on the throttle and pulled it to idle. How did this go again? It was so hard to think. Rudder in, stick down? No that was wrong. I forced my eyes open to see the world spinning around me counter clockwise. That meant I was in a clockwise spin right?

I stepped hard into the left rudder and snapped the stick over to the left side. If I could get the nose down I might just have a chance. "Come on baby don't kill me now..."

One revolution, two, thee, four. The nose and left wing started to drop. The pressure on my head was letting up.

I felt the jet return to controlled flight. I'd shed sixteen thousand feet. No more time. I punched the throttle back into full after burner and pulled out of the dive.

"_Cylon one-one. It was a fake out. Tokyo-3 was not the target. Repeat, Tokyo-3 was not the target. Flankers are bugging out."_

The radios were working again. The Angel was jamming us?

"Cylon one-three to Cylon on-one. I had visual on the PAK FA before the blast. If they're not going after Tokyo-3 what's the target? Rose isn't stupid." I transmitted back.

"_This is Evangelion Unit zero. Control reports re-entry vehicle currently on course for Toyko-3. Commander Ikari is onboard."_

I felt my blood run cold. There was a pit of ice in my stomach. I hauled the stick back and turned my speed into altitude, kept the afterburner running wide open. I would run out of fuel in five minutes. It didn't matter.

"Cylon one-three to all forces, Commander Ikari is the target. I am headed for the merge."

That had to be it, she was going for the commander, my father. She was going to kill him, that was her plan the whole time, the rest was just misdirection.

I could see the plasma envelope surrounding the re-entry craft from here, in the distance ahead of me against the darkening sky. I switched over to my remaining AIM-120 and snapped it off in boresight. I didn't care to bother for a lock, or even confirm what I _knew_ to be true. I didn't have the time, or the restraint.

"Cylon one-three, maddog.

I caught sight of movement again, the PAK had detected the launch and had maneuvered again, re-lit her afterburners. So my last missile hadn't taken her out after all. It didn't matter. I was lighter and faster than her right now.

I rolled the selector over to sidewinders and waited for the range to close. Even this far out the seekers were detecting the afterburners ahead of me, but I had to wait, had to be sure. I had my finger hovering over the switch-

The radar screen flashed, I was picking the PAK up on Radar in a big way. Her weapons bays were open. I was out of time. I could start to make out the shape of the re-entry craft, the plasma envelope was dissipating, it was in range.

"Cylon one-three, Fox Two"

I slapped my finger down on the firing stud and let the sidewinder on my left wingtip fly. An instant later the PAK cut afterburners and rolled into a dive while spitting out flares. "What the hell-"

I caught sight of a missile plume headed for the space plane. She'd fired, I was too late.

My remaining sidewinder squealed out a lock tone and I snapped my finger down on the firing stud. It had acquired the missile's engine. I felt as if time had slowed to a crawl as my missile rocketed past my nose on a pillar of fire. It flew towards the missile ahead of us, a much larger, much slower device.

An eternity later; an instant later. The sidewinder impacted the engine of the missile and blew it in half, it immediately went into a tumble and started to break up from the aerodynamic stresses.

I had a minute and a half of fuel left. I pulled out of afterburner and rolled over to try to get a visual on the PAK FA. So fixated I was on the missile it had fired I hadn't thought to look where it had gone.

"_You shouldn't have done that, Ikari."_

I grit my teeth and rolled my transmit over to guard. "Rose, you fucked with the wrong person today," I spat into the radio.

I caught sight of her jet looping around for another try. Not a chance, not today. I rolled the fire selector to my canon and pulled the stick to the lock, dragging the Viper through a max performance turn to line up for a head on. I didn't even wait for the reticle to settle before I started firing.

She fired a burst of return fire and broke away from her attack run. I just had to keep her busy, just for a few more minutes. I could do that, I had enough fuel if I stayed out of the afterburner. "You're not getting away from me that easy!" I screamed into my radio.

"_You stupid girl, you've killed the world!"_ She screamed back at me. Her voice struck a chord with me, something deep in my memory, who the hell was she?

I stomped hard into the rudder and rolled in, slid myself in behind her while she tried to get herself lined up again. She might have had the better jet, but she wasn't the better pilot, not right now. I was one with my Viper. She was a tourist in that PAK FA.

I slapped my thumb back down on the firing stud and peppered her right wing and vertical stabalizer with cannon rounds. "No, but I'll kill you!" I yelled.

There was a loud bang from behind me and the cannon stopped firing. It had jammed? Not now, not when I was that close to ending this. No.

"_Cylon one-one to one-three, bug out. We'll take care of this."_

The radio crackled for a second, and I heard Becket's voice on guard instead.

"_Pilot of PAK FA, you are ordered to lower your landing gear immediately and comply with all directions. Failure to obey will result in your destruction."_

I looked over my shoulder as two Raptors came alongside me. They would have been able to sneak up on me, wouldn't they?

Rose's PAK FA was trailing smoke now, and leaking fuel. They had her over a barrel. And they were going to take her alive. I had as many questions as they did no doubt, so maybe I'd finally get some answer-

"_Negative, Becket. I'm afraid that I am unable to comply. My flight controls are too damaged, hydraulics are gone. That girl is as good a pilot as I am. I'm gonna have to ride this one in. It was nice to be up here with you again, even if it wasn't on the same side. Gypsy Rose, out."_

Who? Why was that so familiar to me, and how did she know Becket?

I didn't have too much time to think about it, as the PAK's engines chose that moment to fail, and the crippled jet dropped away from us. Something about what she had said must have meant something to him, because he made no attempt to follow her through the dive.

I rolled my transmitter back over to flight frequency and turned to look over at Becket's jet. "Who is Gypsy Rose?"

"_A memory. Stay on my wing. There's a tanker inbound. After we land there is a long overdue conversation that we all need to have. Bring Misato."_


	23. Gypsy Rose

Chapter 22 Part 1:  
Gypsy Rose

I hadn't had the chance to take my flight suit off, nor to shower. But I was in the briefing room with a bunch of people who I didn't know, and a few that I did. Becket, Misato, Ayanami, Asuka, even the IPEA pilot Mari.

And my father. Gendo Ikari, who stood at the front of the room and kept looking at me with what looked like... pride? I couldn't manage to keep a smile off my face, despite what had happened that day. But we'd won, twice even.

Captain Clark stepped into the room and nodded at me. All we needed now was Denisovich and it would be a full party, but then he was probably busy doing damage control after all those Russian fighters got stolen.

After Rose, or was it Gypsy Rose? After all the fighters were stolen, I'm sure they would have a review of their security at least.

"So you're all here for an important reason, the attack on Tokyo-3, and the attack on Travis, which are related," Becket explained from the front of the room. All attention shifted to him.

"The woman who we suspect to have been the leader of these attacks is known as 'Rose'. A few hours ago, I was able to determine her identity with a reasonable amount of certainty. This is important because she is, most likely, still alive."

There was murmuring around me, but nothing I could really make out. I had a feeling in my gut that something about this meeting was going to ruin my day.

"Still, we do have Rei Ikari to thank for intercepting Rose's attack on Commander Ikari, and preventing his assassination. If she hadn't been there it is unlikely that this is the meeting we would be having today. Can I get someone to turn out the lights?"

A person by the door flipped the light switch off and the projector in the ceiling powered on. Becket was holding the remote. He pressed a button and a page from a service record was displayed. "She called herself 'Gypsy Rose' and she knew who _I _was. Based on these facts, her voice, and the descriptions that I have been given, it is my belief that the person we are dealing with is Lieutenant Victoria Eleanor Becket. She went missing in June. And I will answer the unasked question preemptively; she is my sister."

The murmuring was louder this time. People were turning to talk with each other. If he wasn't arrested at this point, it would be pure luck, probably.

He pressed a button to move to the next slide and I felt my stomach drop out. My pupils dilated, I broke out in a cold sweat, could hear my heart pounding in my ears. Her face, that face. I knew that face. I had forgotten for so long, but those memories were in my head, waiting for the right trigger, this trigger.

All of this time I had spent wondering, searching through the memories that weren't my own. But once I saw it I knew who it was, could remember finally. Brown eyes, brown hair, a darker skin tone, darker than her 'brother'_, definitely_ South East Asian. I could have pointed out the city she was born in on map, but not because of what she looked like.

But because the other girl, the one who gave me the memories of that other life, the skill to fly a plane, and the courage to fight… That girl saw the face in front of me in the mirror every day.

Somehow, knowing who I was facing didn't make it any better. I felt the tears falling from my eyes. I had to leave, had to get out. I stood up from my chair and pushed my way to the door. Nobody would understand, nobody would get it. But I'd done my duty, I'd done what had to be done.

And I knew that Gypsy Rose would never stop, not if she was still alive. She'd gone missing in June. June, when I'd come here, when I'd had these memories shoved into my head. If she knew what I knew… If she knew about that life she never lived, the love she never had, with the woman she never married…

No, I knew what she was doing, and I knew that nothing short of getting what she wanted would ever stop her. She would tear Nerv apart, she'd kill my father, for revenge?

I could still remember what it felt like when that other girl met her wife, when they'd shared their first kiss. I remembered what their love felt like. To know that you were denied that? I could understand her hate.

But I couldn't let her get what she wanted, not for any reason. I wouldn't let her take my family from me!

"Rei, what's wrong?"

I felt the hand on my shoulder, I'd made it half way down the hall in my distress. I turned to see the speaker. Misato. I felt the heat rising in my face, the emotional overload of the revelation I'd had, remembering everything that Rose, that Victoria had lost.

"Misato, I-"

No, fuck it. No more waiting, no more wondering what if. I wasn't going to live my life with regret, not from here, not after what I'd done, or who I'd done it for. I put my arms around her and pressed myself up to her, and put my lips to hers.

I would take whatever would come, whatever consequences there should be for this… but for the moment, I would just let the warmth spread from that contact, from that affection I'd wanted to share for weeks.

Through the tears and the pain, the fear and the uncertainty, I felt her lips move against mine, felt her arms around me.

God's in his heaven. All's right with the world.


	24. Make Pretend

Chapter 22 Part 2:  
Make Pretend

"You know, when she told us we had to watch out for you, I thought we were going to actually have the chance to, ya know, do that."

"And for that matter, your studies have definitely suffered. We're going to have to put you through the ringer to get you back up to speed!"

I looked up from my desk. Touji and Hikari, ever the dutiful pair. "Fine, fine, I get it. Just for the love of god don't hit me with the lunch box again. I bled all over my vest last time."

"You know I apologized for that. Besides, without you around we only have Ayanami to keep us company." Hikari complained with a mock hurt look on her face.

"You say that as though I have _not_ been the best companion you could hope for."

I looked past Hikari to see Ayanami standing over her shoulder, her face conspicuously blank of expression, but there was a _something_ in her eyes.

"You know, one Rei is as good as another, or so I've been told. You still got to look after Rei, just, you know, not me." I joked.

"You are in a good mood today, Ikari. Have you spoken to Katsuragi?" Ayanami asked me. I could see the flicker of a smirk. She knew? Of course she knew. Why wouldn't she? She knew Akagi, closer than I thought was probably healthy. So of course she knew.

"Well, I had a good day yesterday. My friends saved the world, I stopped the bad guy, my dad thinks I'm cool. It's not bad." I answered nonchalantly.

"Why do you wanna know if she spoke to Misato?" Touji asked in that blunt clueless way that only he could.

"Absolutely no reason whatsoever, and you should forget that it was ever mentioned." Ayanami deadpanned.

"Exactly. Anyway, I saved the world like, at least four times. I should get a free pass on school forever."

"And then what would you do after Nerv and Angels, what would you do with the rest of your life without schooling, Rei?" Hikari asked with that expression she usually reserved for Touji when he was up to shenanigans.

"Fly fighter jets and blow shit up. _Obviously."_

Hikari shook her head at me and returned to her desk. She definitely didn't agree that my chosen profession was worthwhile.

Ayanami took her seat behind me and I heard that faint snicker, the one that let me know that whatever Ayanami really was, and wherever my left arm actually came from, the girl behind me was definitely more human than not.

"So… you like fighter jets?"

I turned my head and saw a boy, my own age, but scrawny. Not like Touji. He seemed familiar to me. Oh. "Aida, right?" I asked. "You might say that. Did you see the big air battle the other day, during the Angel attack?"

"See it? I've got high definition video from eight different angles! I've got radar records saved on flash drive!" The boy was ecstatic. Of course he would be, right? I remembered what Ayanami had told me weeks ago, about the boy asking her out. To him this must have been like winning the lottery, a military geek girl.

I smiled and nodded, "Did you happen to catch the Mitsubishi F-2?"

He frowned at me, "Yeah… I wasn't really impressed with the JSSDF showing in that fight, one jet? And it looked like there was only one person in it even though it was a two seater. Still, it did take out a Super Flanker and a PAK FA by itself."

I nodded my understanding, "Yeah, there was only one Japanese fighter in that whole showdown. It was unfortunate that I couldn't get my usual back-seater in that fight with me but she was busy with other things."

He nodded back and then stopped, "Wait, what?"

I shrugged, "Well, you don't think it's a little strange that same F-2 keeps showing up around Nerv employees?"

"Pilot Ikari likes to show off, Aida," Ayanami interjected in an almost not deadpan voice.

"I can't deny that," I admitted to both Ayanami and Aida. "I _did _shoot down a nuclear missile with a sidewinder and killed a PAK FA in a gun duel. I'm pretty awesome you know. I am adorable _and_ talented, I have a cuteness that transcends, everyone should be throwing themselves at me."

"You've said that before, Ikari. The factuality of that statement remains unchanged."

"Well, from where I'm standing, that's _awesome,_" Aida gushed. I could almost see the stars in his eyes at the thought of being this close to someone who got to touch all the neat military gadgets that he could only dream of touching.

"Well, I mean, yeah," I said with mock humility, "I can kinda see where you might think that."

"So, there's an air show later this week, do you wanna go with me?"

The snort from behind me drew the attention of the entire class.

XXX

"Ikari, you should not be surprised at that turn of events. You _did_ tell him that everyone should throw themselves at you." Ayanami said flatly. Her tone of voice did not match the smirk on her face.

I pressed my fingers against my temples as the escalator descended deeper into the geofront headquarters. Sure, I should have seen that coming, but I hadn't really talked to him before. How was I to know he was that bold?

"Yeah I mean, you really shorted out his brain there Rei, you shouldn't be that surprised," Touji added with a shrug.

Hikari just snickered silently from behind him. At least she had the good graces not to make it worse.

"Well, he should have known better! I mean, uh..." I trailed off.

"He couldn't have known your heart lie with another, Ikari." Ayanami offered with a hand on my shoulder.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Hikari asked suddenly. Of course she'd latch onto _that_ bit of drama.

"Absolutely nothing," Ayanami said simply.

"He probably thought the direct approach would work," Touji said with another of his trademark shrugs.

I sighed and turned towards the three people behind me. Of course, they could gossip about me all they wanted, that was normal for people our age right? I couldn't say I didn't like that there was some semblance of that returning to my life. If I was lucky the worst of it was behind me, no more Gypsy Rose, at least not for a while.

And the other night. Misato. Maybe things were finally looking up. Maybe we did have the chance to come out of the other end of this, win the war, save the world. Have our happy ending.

"You all seem to be enjoying my distress quite a bit. We should instead be focusing on that _noise_ that Ayanami made." I smirked, if I could shift the attention over to Ayanami, well…

"I didn't know she could laugh," Hikari admitted with a thoughtful look on her face. A surprisingly blunt comment from her, but the situation warranted it, I figured.

"That wasn't exactly a laugh." Touji shrugged, "I mean, it was kinda more like she was chokin on somethin."

"This is why I do not socialize often." Ayanami said quietly. I could see a twitch on her face, her eyes looked sad.

Damnit. So she really didn't know what she was doing, not really, and I'd gone and made her feel bad.

"Well I guess it was funny enough to laugh at. Aida asked me out right? He did that to Ayanami too. At least we know he's got a type, right?" I asked the two behind us with a grin.

"Reis?"

Hikari's hand struck the back of Touji's head almost before he was able to finish the word and she shook her head in disappointment.

"Well, I was going to say cute girls with blue hair, but that could work too," I mused. "Anyway we should-"

"Rei." I froze, then turned towards the voice. I recognized it, something in it made me react instantly, but then, it would have. At the bottom of the escalator, a few feet away, was my father.

Ayanami was looking at him too, her lips were pulled into a slight smile. But then, they would be.

"Which Rei?" I asked finally, trying to keep any shakiness out of my voice.

He looked between both of us and then I saw his mouth curl up slightly, "Yes. Both of you. Come with me."

XXX

It wasn't exactly a feast, nothing quite so over the top. It was simple, intimate, and somehow, some part of me remembered this, or wanted to. I could smell the steam coming off the rice, the vegetables. I could taste the subtle flavor of the seasonings on the air.

I couldn't keep the smile off my face, and I didn't want to. I'd been hoping for this for years. It might not have been exactly as I'd imagined, but that didn't make it bad. I was having dinner with my father… and sister?

I glanced at Ayanami, she was smiling. Not the subtle hard to detect smile, but a genuine one, like this was a place she could show her true feelings. A sister. I couldn't think of a more apt word, really. This was what family was right? The memories from that other life I never lived didn't really compare to this.

"It would seem that there are a great many things that I never knew about you, Rei. I have been meaning to sit down with you like this for a while now, after the events of the other day I felt that we should do this sooner than later," my father explained to me. Where those same words, weeks ago, might have struck terror into me, he seemed… almost warm.

"I don't really know where to start-" I tried to explain when he cut me off.

He shook his head, "You misunderstand. I don't need an explanation. At one point I may have but what you did tells me everything that I need to know. You don't owe me any more explanation than that. I just wanted to take this time to see both of you, and hope that maybe we could do this more often."

"I would like that," Ayanami answered. I could detect almost a blush on her face. Maybe she was just like anyone else, just… a little more reserved, shy. But she loved him, I could see that.

And I could tell that my father was like her, not necessarily adept at people. Not emotionally adept, not open, but that didn't mean he didn't want to. Somehow, at some point, he'd found my mother though, right? He'd found something in her, and she'd found something in him. Maybe this was that.

"So, this might not be the right time," I started and suddenly felt nervous. My scalp felt sweaty, throat dry. "Does this mean that I'm back on the active duty roster?"

He considered me for a moment, and smiled, "Perhaps not just yet. But that having been said, if you were still on the active roster, I might not be sitting here right now. It all worked out in the end."

I nodded, "You're right. I don't know what I would have done if I hadn't been able to stop that."

His grin was wider, "You're an Ikari, now more than ever. You would have kept fighting, until it was done."

I looked down to my left arm and held it up so that he and I could both see it. "Well… Mostly Ikari."

He nodded, then tapped his hand to his chest. "Where it matters."

There would have been a time in my life that I would have hated that comparison, was so hurt, and felt so unwanted that to be anything like my father at all would have been rejected outright. Maybe we would never have the relationship we should have had, or even the one I wanted to have. Maybe we weren't going to be father and daughter, and it wasn't going to make up for those lost years.

I caught myself flexing my new hand down by my side. It felt so smooth, even compared to my uninjured arm. I looked over at Ayanami, and she looked happy. Maybe that was enough. Life was too short to spend all your energy holding grudges, clinging to the pain of the past and letting it poison your future.

Ayanami liked this, it was good enough for me.

I put my hand over my heart and nodded, "Where it matters. Right."

Yeah, it would be good enough, even if it just stayed like this forever.


	25. Normal, or Something Like It

Chapter 23:  
Normal, or Something Like It 

The sight of an unfamiliar ceiling in the first light of dawn gave way to the subtle flowery notes of lavender perfume and the taste of last night's wine. But soon enough that ceiling would be as familiar as the back of my hand, and maybe I'd be able to work up the urge to pull myself away from the warmth I'd become accustomed to sleeping next to. Even if the only reason to climb out of bed was that you couldn't get back in, if you never got out.

And I shouldn't have been drinking, but then I shouldn't be a killer, or fighting a war. I shouldn't have the scars that I do, and neither should she. But we'd each seen each the scars the other carries and found that it only made our bond stronger. I knew where hers came from, and she knew me before I had mine.

At least, before the ones that only ran skin deep.

I sighed and finally pulled myself away from her, rolled over and off of the mattress wrapped up in more than my fair share of top-sheet, and hit the floor with a dull thump. Close enough. I stood up and looked over, she was still asleep without a care in the world. I was pretty sure she could sleep through a nuclear explosion.

I felt the heat rising in my cheeks and looked away. Maybe there was such a thing as too much of a good thing. I shook my head and plodded across the hall, discarding the sheet along the way. Asuka would probably be awake soon, and while I was sure she knew exactly what was going on, as a matter of respect I wasn't going to rub it in her face.

I started for my own room, that I hadn't slept in for days, but decided against it. I turned for the bathroom instead. My roots were showing something fierce and I needed to re-dye my hair. I was looking less like some cute punk chick and more like a paint brush. That had to be rectified quickly.

I stood in front of the mirror and the same as many times before, examined my reflection. I had maybe two inches of black hair under my blue now, and my scars had faded to the color of my skin. My new arm felt more like it was supposed to be there than it had before, but the contrast was still striking.

I frowned, looking at the line the scar made, where whoever or whatever had been grafted to me. I had to wonder if it was just the arm, or if there was more inside that wasn't me, that wasn't _original_ me. How much of me was still Rei Ikari? Victoria's memories, Ayanami's flesh. How much of me was still Rei Ikari?

Would Misato have still felt the same way if I was still just me, or did I only have things that weren't really _me_ to thank for that? But then, if we are the sum total of our experiences, could I not be the sum total of the experiences of someone else? If I was, would that make me any less… real?

The door slid open suddenly and I jumped. Asuka walked past me in the nude, I averted my eyes. "Asuka?!"

"I'm taking the first bath. Close the door when you're done staring at yourself." She answered over her shoulder without even turning to look at me. She stopped at the edge of the bathtub and turned to me, as if it was an afterthought. "If you're not going to use your room, can I put some things in there?"

The blush hit my cheeks faster than my brain registred the content of what she'd said. Of course she'd have known. So did Ayanami, somehow. At his point I wasn't sure if I'd be surprised if everyone knew.

"Yes, that's fine, I suppose."

She nodded, "Thanks. Get out." 

xxx

I had forgotten how difficult it was to manage the hair color I had. My naturally black hair had to first be bleached out completely while being careful not to completely fry it, and _then_ I had to dye the blue back in.

Of course that meant that in the meantime my hair was doing it's very best impression of being the same color as Ayanami's. The blue that was left in my tips stained the rest of my hair when I washed it out, which left the whole mop looking a little blue-silver.

I looked at myself in the mirror and forced myself to have a perfectly straight, stoic look on my face. Yep. I was two red eyes away from a near perfect Ayanami impression. A very, very large part of me wanted to find some contact lenses and really start fucking with people around Nerv.

The eyebrows were a little easier than my hair was, I'd been keeping those touched up for a while so it wasn't as big a deal to prep them. I just had to get the hair dye and-

I shook the bottle in my hand. It was empty. Completely, utterly, empty. Of course I'd used it up, I used most of it dying my hair in the first place and only brought it along for a few touch-ups here and there, it didn't even have that much in it when I got here, right? Still, I thought I had some left.

Of course I'd buy the hair bleach but not the dye. That was basically the way my luck ran, right?

On the other hand, I was still being non-conformist as hell, but I was really hoping for the blue. I groaned in frustration and hucked the bottle across the bathroom into the bathtub, knocked all of the bottles that Asuka had perched along the edge into the basin with a loud crash.

The door banged open to my left for the second time that morning.

"Rei, stop making so much noise—_Gott im Himmel,_ what have you done to your hair!?" Asuka was staring at me with what I could only assume was her best approximation of both horror and disgust simultaneously.

"I was trying to color my hair… and my hair dye is empty." I explained while trying and failing to think of some way to cover my head and my shame.

Her eyes tracked over to the bathtub and settled on my hair dye bottle. A brief flash of realization flashed over her face. "Oh that was yours. I spilled it into the sink the other day."

I blinked and time seemed to slow, my glare felt as though it could bore a hole clean through her soul. She'd spilled it? _And she didn't tell me?_ And now I looked like a dollar store knockoff of Ayanami? Not that there was anything wrong with looking like her, she was cute as hell, but she wasn't me. My left hand snapped into a fist and I felt my body reacting before my mind.

I lunged with closed fist at my fellow pilot. "_Motherfu-_" 

xxx 

"_-cker"_ I pressed the cold compress to my eye. I had forgotten that discretion is the better part of valor. Or, to put it more directly, despite my getting the jump on her, I had neglected the fact that not only was she _trained_ in hand to hand combat, she was also actually in good shape.

Meanwhile, while I had a nice figure, toned I was not. If I came in an _ounce_ over ninety pounds I'd eat my hat, but it wasn't exactly a muscular physique. Meanwhile, Asuka, despite being the same size, was visibly muscular. Nothing extreme, but she had definition. She wasn't nearly as _soft_ as Ayanami and I were.

Which really just proved she took things more seriously than I did. And for that matter, I was fairly sure Ayanami would have still been able to tear Asuka completely in half without breaking a sweat. Just a hunch.

"That was pretty stupid."

I looked up with my one good eye, through a dripping wet mass of silvery-blue hair, "Thank you Misato, for that enlightening commentary on the situation. I did break her nose though, so the ass-beating she gave me in return wasn't for free."

"You got in a fight over hair-dye. That's..." She trailed off. She wasn't wrong, of course, but it was Asuka so I had to assert my dominance. Or something. Or I was just on an emotional high and didn't give a damn.

"That's not the stupidest thing I've ever done. If you were to ask my father, it's because of the Ikari in me." I explained with a chuckle. The jostling made my face hurt more, but the laugh wouldn't be contained.

"Still, you can't do this kind of thing. I can't have you two fighting, not like this!" She raised her voice, but then set her hand on my shoulder. Damn she was-

I looked up at her, "Which Misato is this, director of operations, or the one from the hallway outside the briefing room?"

"The one that doesn't want you hurt, and doesn't want you kicked back off the active roster." she hesitated and smirked at me, "And the one who doesn't want that face getting hurt."

I felt the blush on my cheeks for a moment and then the rest of her words sank in. Active roster? Kicked _back_ off? I was back on? I was on active duty?

Not that my mandatory vacation had actually been restful, what with all the air to air combat, but the after action report wasn't too bad. She had been saving that little nugget, waiting for a time she'd need to calm me down. Couldn't exactly _kiss_ me every time. That was still weird too, but a good weird.

"I'm back on the active roster?" I asked with a much softer, still one-eyed expression.

"As long as you can avoid killing your fellow pilots, yeah. You really impressed the commander with your little duel with Rose. Just as well anyway, since the F-2 is laying in pieces in the middle of R&amp;D, it won't be ready for a while anyway," She explained with a nonchalant shrug.

"And if I couldn't fight one way or another I'd go completely insane?"

"_Go_ insane? I don't understand. Being around you is insanity incarnate. If you pulled your face off like a mask and declared yourself to be Loki, I don't think it would surprise me in the slightest."

I leaned back in the chair and laughed, hell with the pain. "You still love me either way."

It was her turn to blush. I'd said it more as a joke than as a legitimate statement that she, well, _love_ loved me. But then, my heart was screaming that I hoped she did.

"Well… Yes, I suppose I do. I don't think it's too soon to say that, not after everything we've been through, right?" She tilted her head and smiled.

I dropped the ice pack and stood up from the chair and put my arms around her. "No I don't think it's too soon at all."

"Yeah, I might throw up if you both don't stop doing that. I'd rather spend the next fifteen years of my life with nothing to do but hang out with glasses girl than watch you two act all stupid sweet like that. I'd tell you to get a room but you probably would."

I looked over, Asuka had come back. I hadn't seen her since my head hit the floor, but Misato had said she'd gone out. Apparently she was back.

She threw a box on the chair behind me, "Anyway, here's your stupid hair dye. You look ridiculous with your hair like that. Fix it. And next time I won't stop hitting you just because you're on the ground."

I felt Misato's hand run through my hair, "I don't know, I think this color is kind of cute on her."

I tried to act nonchalant and shrug it off. "Well, I guess I could give it a few days and see how I like it."

"Yeah, I'll chance it. Get a room. I'll be in mine." Asuka muttered with a shake of her head as she trudged out of the living room. Maybe I didn't break her nose after all, she looked fine.

So I'd gotten my ass handed to me for nothing at all. Still not the dumbest thing I'd ever done but it was edging in for top five at the least. Got a free bottle of hair dye out of it.

Misato pulled away from the embrace and started back for her room, "Well, anyway, I'm going to be at Nerv all day. We've got to prepare for the arrival of Unit Three. Pilot selection. Boring stuff really. I'll bring dinner home if you're still here."

Unit Three? Something about that bothered me. The more time I spent, the more I felt like _me_, like Rei Ikari, and less like Victoria, but that- Oh, son of a bitch.

Hello Other Shoe. I'm Rei Ikari. Charmed.


	26. We Are The Dogs of War

Chapter 24:  
We Are The Dogs of War

"The most beautiful girl, that I did ever see..." I mumbled under my breath. Somehow everything had started down an irrevocable backslide into the mouth of hell.

R&amp;D smelled like Jet-A, smoke, and ozone. I could taste the acrid _bite _in the air. The Viper Zero lay in bits on the floor of a hanger meant for something much, much larger. The workers were like dutiful ants, moving bits to and fro with a purpose that I couldn't readily discern.

But my father had ordered it. What_ it_ was, I wasn't told. After the _'_Battle of Tokyo 3' as it was being called, the cannon had crapped out, and with all the abuse I'd been putting the jet through it could have used some maintenance, but what I saw in the bottom of that hanger was a jet stripped to the bones.

The wings were off, the skin was stripped down to the skeleton of the aircraft itself, and there was wiring hanging out of the cockpit. Whatever it was they were doing, I didn't imagine that what I saw in front of me would be flying any time soon.

And that didn't even address the greater problem of Unit Three. A lot had been different, sure, but a lot had been the same. Key events still played out in relatively the same way, usually. This wouldn't be any different. And what could I even say? If this didn't happen, if we didn't _let_ it happen, then what form would that Angel eventually take?

Everything worked out mostly okay after this, I just had to let it happen normally rather than risk changing anything and putting Misato into a position where she might not be safe, where she might get hurt in the attack. The kind of hurt you don't get better from. I couldn't let _that_ happen.

So they had to be unwarned, and let the chips fall as they may.

But for what _that_ was worth, I still felt like shit about it. I was still anxious as hell about it. I was still not completely sure what would happen, much like I hadn't been for a while. With each passing day it felt more and more like those memories were just dreams, fading into the ether, and that before too long I wouldn't remember anything other than a vague notion of what was supposed to be.

Maybe that was by design, to give me a little help, but then let me stand on my own.

I wish I could be a stronger person.

And then the wish was granted, but what was I doing with it? I attached myself to Misato, who was more to me than I could have imagined she'd ever be. I found myself close to Ayanami, or as close as anyone except my father could be, right?

Asuka. The IPEA pilot: Mari. I'd spent time with Akagi, I'd had dinner with my father. Was this what the stronger person that is Rei Ikari was supposed to do? Was this what that scared little girl sitting in a car with a woman she never met would have done?

A deep, primal, part of me knew that this wasn't the case. Everything I did here was new, was _me_ and was the product of Rei Ikari. Not the same Rei Ikari as climbed into that blue Renault Alpine so long ago, but a _true _Rei Ikari nevertheless.

To everyone I knew, to everyone who _mattered_, I was the only Rei Ikari that they had ever known. There was no other girl to replace or to change, they didn't lose a friend, a comrade, or even an acquaintance. There wasn't an over night personality change, _to them._

But when my real memories had returned, no longer pushed to the back of my mind by the replacement memories from that dead girl, I knew that I wasn't the same person. At the same time, I knew that I was. My soul, my mind, who I _am_. The core of my being, my consciousness, that hadn't changed. I could not have been Victoria any more than Gypsy Rose could be Rei Ikari. Somehow I knew it couldn't work that way.

When it came down to it, Victoria would have warned Misato what would happen. Gypsy Rose would have done something to stop it.

But Rei Ikari was too scared of making things worse to do much of anything at all.

All I could do was stare at the mutilated remains of my escape. The thing that let me forget everything except the moment. True freedom was, and always had been, mach two at forty thousand feet. That was something I didn't have, something I couldn't escape into if it got too tough.

And right then and there, I could have used an escape. I could have used sky under me and stars above, with my worries left behind me on the ground, put on pause until I decided to come back, or until the fuel ran low.

I caught myself messing with my hair, twirling it around my finger. Silver blue locks, because Misato had said it was cute, I left it that way. I'd punched Asuka in the _face_ because of this hair color, because she spilled my hair dye. But because Misato _liked_ it, I left it alone. What had caused me great discomfort became something I accepted at the drop of a hat, just because of what she'd said.

So for her, I didn't warn them, so that _she_ would be safe. Even if I changed my mind, it was already too late.

So fickle, and they trusted me with the fate of the world.

It kind of made me wonder how much shit they had on the shelf. How close to falling into the abyss we all really were. Should we fall in, it was assured we'd never climb back out again. Simply wallow until we drown.

As expected, maybe not at that moment, but it didn't surprise me, the alarms sounded throughout the base. An Angel blood pattern had been detected. If it played out the same, Matsushiro just exploded.

Enter the Kraken. 

xxx

"_-we'll fight until we die, and our enemies are gone forever more."_

"That's a little dark, Mari," I commented. I shifted in my seat and brought the rifle up to the Evangelion's shoulder. "I like it."

Units Five and One had deployed immediately via linear carriage to intercept the 'Angel' en-route from Matsushiro test site to Tokyo-3. I knew what I was in for, even if I didn't like it. Mari was Mari. This would be our first fight together. At least, the first fight that I wasn't bleeding to death during.

"_This time you are in an Evangelion. This will be easier than the fight in the Arctic. Don't get impaled this time."_

I shook my head. "Yeah, I'll try my best."

It was a waiting game, really. We were limited by the range of our power cabling, and we didn't want to engage while already at our limit. We had to let the enemy draw itself well inside our operational limit. But that didn't mean I was blind.

I dialed the VHF radio-set over to a frequency I'd long since memorized. "Ikari to Cylon one-one. Got your ears on, Bucket?"

"_Cylon one-one copies. We're ten minutes out, we heard about Matsushiro. Is it another one?"_

I winced, yeah it was another one. Might be the worst one yet, but I couldn't know that yet. "Affirmative, what are you bringing to the party?"

"_We've got five birds and enough air to ground to put a hole in the earth. The _Benfold, Fitzgerald, _and_ Stethem_ are standing by to support as well. We've got approval directly from the Diet. If you need it, we'll bring it."_

"Copy. I'll hold you to it, Ikari out."

I sat back in the seat and gripped the control sticks. Of course, they had a stake in this too, we all did. My mind wandered back to the conversation I'd had on the _Kitty Hawk_. They'd love to have people in the area, ostensibly to help us, sure. But then eyes on station meant they could direct a smash and grab to snatch a pilot if the opportunity presented itself. Somehow, I felt like the Diet knew this as well.

More cloak and dagger than I cared for, really.

I felt all the hair on the back of my neck stand up and looked up to the forward display. A large black figure was _trudging_ in our direction. Unit Three. The Angel.

"_Somehow, I knew." _Mari said through the pilot-to-pilot link. That was definitely an understatement.

But there was no time to waste, I wouldn't have the time to wait for Asuka or Rei. I had to end this quickly and save the pilot. They put me back together, they could put whoever was in that entry plug back together too. I would _make_ them do it.

My father's face popped up on the communications display. _"Rei, that is-"_

"The Angel. I know. Unit One engaging now!" I yelled and snapped the rifle up. My finger slapped the trigger and I directed my fire for the opposing Evangelion's head. The rapid staccato of machine gun fire filled the entry plug and projectiles the size of cars peppered the monstrosity's face.

An AT field flashed into existence in front of the Eva and stopped all but the first few shots from impacting. I wasn't close enough to neutralize, fine. I tossed the rifle and switched to my knife.

The black Eva launched itself into the air and landed in front of me, too far away for the knife, but close enough that I could clear the distance. The arms stretched out almost impossibly fast and the hands wrapped around my neck.

That was not what I was planning for. I jammed my knife into the Eva's left forearm as my vision started to blur. Sympathetic feedback from the synchronization, I knew that but my brain didn't.

"_First date: No hands!" _I heard Mari scream a moment before the blur of her Unit Five crashed into Three. The pressure let up on my neck, and I lunged. Whoever was in there, I felt sorry for, but I wasn't going to die.

Not with what I had to live for.

I snapped my finger down to toggle the radio mic and jammed my knife into the chest plate of the temporarily restrained Evangelion. "Becket, might wanna run a little hot, we've engaged the enemy. It's an Evangelion."

"_Roger, ETA two minutes. Passing telemetry to the DDGs. TLAMs when you need them."_

"Standby!" I yelled as another hit from the Evangelion knocked me off my feet and into a hillside. I shook the dizziness from my head in time to see one, and then another and another of Unit Five's mechanical limbs hit the hillside next to me.

"_Goodbye old friend. Makinami is ejecting, now!"_

There was a flash of light on Five's back, and then it went slack in Three's grip. A moment later the entry plug, propelled by rockets, departed the combat zone, and I was alone.

Three lost interest in the deactivated unit at that point and cast it aside. It was intelligent then, not just a beast driven by instinct. It knew it was no longer a threat, and useless as an ally to infect.

I made it half way to my feet before Three crashed into my chest and knocked me back into the hillside. Its hands went to my neck, and a second set of arms burst through the shoulder pylons and pinned my wrists to the hillside.

Again the sympathetic feedback forced me to feel all of it, in increasing clarity as my desperation and synchronization rose. I felt my air being choked off, felt the tingling of the infection entering me, felt my arms about to snap. I was on my back, even if I pulled the ejection handle I had nowhere to go.

But I was _not_ alone. I would never be alone again. I might die, but it would be among friends, family. And It would not be today, not if I could help it.

"Becket, target my position, fire _everything," _I forced out through grit teeth. I couldn't move, couldn't fight, but-

"_Say again? You _will_ be caught in the blast."_

"Send it!" I yelled. My tongue felt… strange. The infection was spreading. I didn't have long. My vision was darkening around the edges. My screen was full of that corrupted, twisted face. A face that was meant to be a symbol of hope, turned into one of damnation.

As my head hit the seat rest, I felt a smirk reach my lips. The Angel had over-played his hand.

The first bomb hit the Angel and it shook, the next nine took off the extra arms, and weakened the grip from the ones it kept. I brought Unit One's knee up directly into Three's codpiece and forced it up and over my head, and in that moment I was free.

I wasted no time and forced myself back onto my feet. Now, I could end it. I felt the heat rising again, like before. It started in my left hand, up my arm, and spread through my body. I dropped into a crouch and launched towards Three.

I punched it in the head with a left hook, then jammed a kneed into its chest to fold it down. I forced Unit One's left arm around the neck from behind and found my target, the entry plug. It was half out, they must have tried to eject it but it failed.

I wouldn't.

I jammed my knife into the back of the Evangelion's neck and grabbed onto the plug and pulled until it tore free from the mounting.

Unit Three immediately went limp and fell to the ground. I held the entry plug in my hand. It was surrounded by some kind of weird hard blue substance. I felt my blood chill, my breath caught in my throat.

The Angel did not infect the Evangelion. The Angel infected the plug.

I tapped the control stick and opened up the link to command. I was shaking, the plug was tight in my hand. I didn't know what to do, except…

"Father… Who is the pilot of Unit Three?"


	27. No One Left Behind

Chapter 25:

No One Left Behind 

I could not let them die. We weren't as close as we should have been, and I knew that, but they were a fellow pilot, they mattered, they were a comrade in arms. I couldn't just-

I pulled the backup knife from my shoulder pylon and brought it down against the rear section of the entry plug. To hell with the Angel, I had a different mission objective.

Step One: Open the plug

Step Two: Rescue the pilot

My hand was shaking like a leaf around the control stick but I kept pressing, dragging the knife _gently_ against the rear quarter, behind the escape hatch. Just a little bit, enough that I could get the LCL to start leaking. The pilot wouldn't be that far back. It was the chance I would have to take.

"_Rei, what are you doing?"_

My father's voice. I wanted to scream, wanted to cry. If I'd listened to him before… Well, I still would have known. I'd have known sooner, and maybe I wouldn't have fought so hard. I might have failed, might have let the pilot die.

"I'm going to recover the pilot." I answered in monotone as the knife finally broke through. The LCL sprayed out under pressure at the point of the cut. I flicked the Eva's wrist and the end of the plug cracked open like a pez dispenser.

I knelt and laid the plug down on the ground and then moved the Unit back from it. There was no tingling, no contamination. It was just a core, maybe it couldn't do that without synchronizing. Or maybe it was directing it's attention elsewhere.

"_Rei, you must destroy the Angel."_

I reached over to the command pad and started the plug ejection sequence. I felt the motors behind me whirring up as the plug inched backwards through the hatch in the Evangelion's spine.

"Tell Ayanami to hurry. I'm exiting the Evangelion now. Ikari signing off."

I pressed another button and the comm shut down, I didn't bother to hear the reply. The drain motors had already kicked in and the LCL was down to my ankles and lowering rapidly. The plug lurched to a sudden stop and I climbed out of the saddle and turned back to it.

The catch was on the side, where I'd been trained to look for it. The seat cushion popped up with a hiss and then it was a simple matter of pushing it to the side to get what I was looking for: the pilot emergency survival kit: A medical bag, an MRE, and a Sig Sauer pistol.

I clipped the pack to the side of my canary-colored plugsuit and hit the palm of my right hand against the release catch for the egress hatch on the side of the plug. The door kicked itself open with hydraulic assist and a nylon rope unrolled from the top of the frame.

I'd never fast-roped before, but that other girl had, and I knew how. Fortunately for me, the gloves of the plugsuit were well insulated. I gave one last look over my shoulder to the inside of the plug and then wrapped my left hand into the rope and stepped off into open air.

I let myself fall rapidly for the first dozen meters, then slowly applied pressure to arrest my descent. I didn't want to take too long, so a little bit of pain was fine. I had to get there before Ayanami got here, before anyone _else_ got here.

I was going to save that pilot no matter what.

I hit the ground a little hot and fell over onto my side. I wasn't hurt, not enough to matter. I pushed myself back to my feet and reached for the pack clipped to my side. The gun. I needed the gun.

I pulled the pistol from its pouch and pulled back the slide to check, loaded magazine. I let the slide slingshot back into battery and passed the pistol to my left hand and thumbed the safety off. Whatever was ahead of me, I was going to save the pilot.

From the ground everything looked bigger, Unit One seemed like a gargantuan protector… and unit three looked like something out of my nightmares. It was still inert. The Angel was in the entry plug. I was going to rescue the pilot.

I ran across the uneven terrain as quickly as I dared. The tread on the bottom of my feet gave me purchase even when I ran through the pool of LCL, even through the mud and across the rocks and torn up pavement, when the Evangelion blood mixed with the LCL.

I pushed myself up and out of the last trench blocking me from the plug, and pulled myself into the torn open end with my right arm. I almost threw up at the sight in front of me. My left arm burned all the way to my chest and then deep inside to my heart. I wanted, needed to pull the trigger.

I would save the pilot.

The Angel had manifested itself inside the plug, a skeletal mass full of loose, disjointed flesh. It wrapped itself around the control saddle and loomed over the pilot, glowing pink eyes and pincers pressed against the pilot's head, wrapped around the synchronization clips. An angry red spiraled spike came down from the Angel's 'head' and impaled the pilot to the seat through their abdomen.

I _would_ save the pilot.

The pilot's plugsuit was in tatters, there was blood mixed with the LCL. Their hand was clenched into a fist around the left control stick, the side from which I approached. My foot splashed against the LCL puddle and it echoed throughout the plug. The Angel remained still.

The Pilot did not.

The Pilot was awake.

_I would save the pilot_.

I ran to the side of the saddle and put my hand on theirs. "I've got you, come on!" I yelled as I jammed the barrel of the pistol against the base of the spike and pulled the trigger.

The spike shattered where it joined the Angel's head and the scream it let out was deafening. An AT field didn't manifest I didn't know if it was because of how close I was, or if it was because it needed to touch the pilot. I didn't care.

The pilot was free from restraint, and with my hand wrapped tight around theirs I pulled with every ounce of strength in my body towards the torn open end of the plug. Pure adrenaline was fueling me. Fear, hate, disgust. Every part of my body wanted to be as far away from that abomination as quickly as I could.

I felt resistance on my hand, and then I felt my grip returned twofold. There was a splash of a foot hitting the LCL in the bottom of the plug and we both stumbled and fell out of the end of the plug and onto the ground.

I heard her coughing and turned to finally look at her. Her left eye was black with a pink iris, like the Angel. She was bleeding from her head and from the hole in her abdomen, but not as fast as I would have thought. Was it feeding on her… or was it feeding her?

"Asuka, can you hear me? If you can get up, we have to get out of here." I urged her as I tried to pull her to her feet.

Her body was trembling, she hardly had the strength to stand, probably used up everything she had left pushing herself out of the seat. But she was a trooper, she got her feet under her and I pulled her arm around my shoulder and held her up as best I could.

"Took… you… long… enough..." she gasped out as I half-dragged her away from the plug.

I pulled her up and kept moving, slowly, steadily. We had to get distance from that plug. The angel didn't look like it could really move outside of it, too tied into it, but I didn't wanna take the chance.

"Come on Asuka, just a little further. I've got some friends, they're gonna light that fucker up! I just gotta let them know to do it."

I didn't know how I would do that-

The radio in the survival pack. It wouldn't broadcast on the VHF frequencies I needed to talk to Becket, but it would broadcast at extreme range... And an Arleigh Burke could pick up everything, up to and including _smoke signals._

I propped Asuka up against Unit One's leg and reached into the pack with my now-free right hand to grab the radio. A simple single frequency high powered two way radio. It would have to do. I spun the dial and powered the radio on.

"Cylon One-Three in the blind. Entry plug on the ground is the target. Repeat, entry plug _is_ the Angel!" I yelled into the radio before I set it down next to Asuka.

I pulled the coagulant injector from the medkit. Her plugsuit should have stopped the bleeding already, but the angel had ripped out the automatic systems, it was little more than modesty preservation at that point.

I jammed the injector into the wound on her abdomen and popped the catch, an instant later rapidly expanding foam filled the wound cavity left by the Angel's intrusion and the bleeding stopped. Her screaming didn't.

The radio on the ground crackled and came to life. _"Cylon One-Three redesignated Knife One. This is Stethem Actual. What is your status?"_

"Knife One to Stethem Actual, I have a wounded pilot and am unable to engage the target. The black Evangelion is inert, the target is in the entry plug. I'd really appreciate some tomahawks and a med-evac if you've got one to spare. We just need to buy some time for another Evangelion to get here."

I looked over at Asuka, her face was twisted in agony, I could only guess how much of that was physical and how much mental. Nerv… would not be the place for her right now, they wouldn't think she was safe, but I knew better. Even if I was wrong, I'd still keep trying.

"_Roger that Knife One. Care packages are on the way. Clear the blast area. Stethem out."_

I jammed the radio back into the pack on my side and put my right arm under Asuka's shoulders again. "Just a little more Asuka, we just need to get over to the rope, that will be far enough."

She pushed against me and staggered along, using me like a human crutch to keep herself upright. I wouldn't let her fall, wouldn't let her down.

I chanced a look over my shoulder. The plug almost seemed to be vibrating, was the Angel recovering? If it had to steal an Evangelion, if it had to hijack the _pilot_, then what could it do without one?

But if it could get out of that plug and move, we were both dead.

But there was no way to climb that rope and carry Asuka up with me, and there was no way in hell I was going to leave her out here during a fight. Simple as it would be to just climb back up there and punch the plug until there was nothing left, I couldn't leave her alone and vulnerable.

And where the hell was Unit Zero?

I heard the shriek of a cruise missile's jet engine and put myself over Asuka, put myself between her and the entry plug before the first missile hit. The earth felt like it heaved under us and the heat and debris peppered my back even from this far away. Then another explosion, and another, each one getting further away.

I chanced a glance over towards the explosions and saw the plug bouncing and rolling away from us, not particularly damaged, but becoming less threatening with each passing moment. So the Angel could use it's AT field, but it couldn't anchor itself in place.

Or it didn't want to, but further away from me, from Asuka, was always better.

Over the sound of the explosions I heard the telltale 'thuck thuck thuck thuck' of a helicopter rotor. I jerked my head up to see an attack helicopter settle into a hover to the side of Unit One and unleash its entire payload of anti-armor rockets into the grounded entry plug.

A moment later it pulled back and started to settle into a slowly descending hover over our position. I put my left arm up to shield my face and became aware that I'd still never put the gun down, not since I pulled it the first time. I flicked the safety on and jammed it into the holster built into the survival pack.

The helicopter was landing, it was an Apache, JSSDF markings. The combat zone was still hot and they were landing to pull us out. Fighter pilots might get all the fame, but heroes flew attack choppers.

I pulled a roll of gauze out of the first aid pouch and started wrapping it around Asuka's head, despite her pained protests. I had to hide her left eye as quickly as I could. We could sort the rest out later, but I couldn't have them seeing _that_.

The canopy popped open and the gunner jumped out and hit the ground at a dead run. He dropped down next to me and put his arm under Asuka from the opposite side. "Let's get her in and get out of here. Come on!"

"How did you get here so fast? Did you come from the _Stethem_?" I asked over the thucking of the rotors as we lugged Asuka's twitching form to the waiting helicopter.

"No, Katsuragi sent us from Matsushiro! Would have been here sooner but we had to make a pit stop!" he yelled over the noise and gestured over to the helicopter.

Mari Makinami. Her hair was a mess but her plug suit was still on and her hair clips were still in place. She'd strapped herself to the side of the Apache. Tough girl.

She met us half way to the helicopter. "I can take her, finish the fight, Rei."

I shook my head, "No, I can't. I won't leave her." I hesitated and then looked back at the purple giant. "Take Unit One and finish this."

She looked at me, and then looked at the Evangelion, and back to me, then smiled. "Revenge it is. Happy day!"

I turned back to the helicopter as she ran off into battle, and for once I was fine with somebody else fighting for me, for whatever fight would be left.

"Come on, we will put her in my seat, we can ride outside." The gunner told me as he started to push Asuka up onto the side hull of the helicopter. Some maneuvering, shoving, and a little luck later we had her strapped into the gunner's chair.

The gunner closed the canopy and tapped on the pilot's glass. "Hang on, Ikari! This part is a little bumpy!"

I nodded and wrapped my hand in the strap that was tied to the pilot's boarding handhold. The helicopter lurched back into the sky and the wind whipped through my hair. I was thankful for the plugsuit, at least. It was insulated against the cold of the whipping wind.  
The pilot eased us up and away from Unit One before turning for Tokyo-3. One last look over my shoulder granted me the sight of Unit One straightening back up and walking towards the Angel's entry plug.

Of _course_ she'd make it move. Show off.


	28. Help Is On The Way

Chapter 26:  
Help is on the way.

I should have taken Aida up on his offer to let him take me to the airshow.

The thick sweet, _cloying_, taste of the LCL was heavy on my tongue, I felt the stomach acid rising in my throat. If I had any more anxiety I was like to drop dead right there, as it was I was shaking like a leaf, barely able to hold myself up but somehow managing to keep Asuka on her feet, and keep myself in front of her.

I had the pistol clenched in my right hand so hard I could feel the stippling of the grip through my plugsuit glove. It needn't have been like this. It could have been simpler.

They were waiting for us when the helicopter touched down. They would have known which entrance we were headed for, we weren't exactly trying to hide. Couldn't have even if we'd tried. But we had to come here, no-one else could deal with what had happened to Asuka, and they were in our way.

What side would Ayanami have taken? No, that was obvious.

I kept the pistol clutched to my side and half-carried Asuka towards the locked shutters, towards the four armed guards. "She needs help, call Akagi up here."

"Stop there! Do not approach!" The lead guard yelled and held his hand up at me.

"Are you not listening?" I yelled, "She's wounded, she needs help. Get Akagi up here!"

"No! Stay back. We will not allow an Angel into headquarters!" The lead guard yelled at me and brought his gun up to the ready.

I felt Asuka's grip around me tighten up and she trembled. Blood was dripping onto the ground. I'd stopped the worst of it but she'd been run straight through. She needed a blood transfusion and more treatment than I could hope to provide.

"Are you kidding me? She's the only reason you're alive!" I screamed back and brought my gun up from my side and lined up the sights. "Get the hell out of my way!"

The other three brought their guns up to the ready and pointed them at me. I heard a hydraulic whine off to my side and chanced a glance over.

The Apache gunner had slewed his cannon over towards the guards. That was not something I would have expected. If they shot me, he'd waste them. Mexican standoff. It still wasn't getting me where I wanted to be, and Asuka was still bleeding.

This whole area was under surveillance though. Akagi had to be aware. Father had to be aware, right? But they weren't showing up, and I was pointing a gun at armed guards.

"Just let us in, I don't want to shoot you, but I don't know you. I know Asuka, and if I have to chose between you and my friend, I know who I'm gonna pick."

"_Kitty Hawk Actual to Knife One, we'll be at your position in thirty seconds."_

I spared a glance down at the radio tucked into the pack. It was still turned on? It made as much sense as anything. Becket had probably relayed our position, or the Apache crew did. I didn't know why the latter was backing me up, but I wasn't going to turn away an ally.

I heard the 'thuck thuck' sound of another helicopter coming in, and from the sound of it they were coming in hot. The pitch shifted and a blast of air blew past me, the dull thudding sound told me that the helicopter had touched down.

The Nerv security officers released their guns and let them fall back down on their slings. I lowered my own gun and chanced a glance over my shoulder.

A group of what looked to be Marines were pouring out of a landed Seahawk, and were taking up defensive positions, had their rifles at low ready. That would have done it, but I had to wonder what the hell was so important.

The guards had no problem trying to intimidate two teenage girls, one of whom was half dead, and calling the bluff of the Apache gunner, but against that many Marines they couldn't even be sure of getting a shot off before they were in the ground.

And they weren't really soldiers in the first place.

I felt a hand on my right shoulder, and it wasn't Asuka as I still had my left arm around her, holding her up. I looked over, up and to the right.

"Captain Clark?"

"Becket has kept me apprised of the situation, as best he could. I brought some of my friends in case there was trouble, and it looks like that was a good idea. I have _concerns_ and they seem to be justified. But that can wait." He explained to me with a warm look in his eyes. I felt like the world needed more men like him, if we were going to see ourselves through this.

I felt somebody grabbing Asuka and I turned quickly to see a medic and a marine helping her onto a board. They were obviously going to carry her the rest of the way. It was definitely preferable to walking.

I turned back to Clark, "Asuka was attacked by the Angel directly, they won't let her inside. She'll die without treatment."

"And you were going to shoot them to get in?" He asked me, then he turned towards the guards, "I'm afraid she's going to be going inside. If that troubles you, well, you're going to have to come to peace with that. We're not letting this girl die."

He stepped past me towards the closed shutters and tapped his hand against the card reader, as if thinking. Then reached into his pocket to grab a card and tapped it against the RFID reader. A beep, then nothing.

I took the few steps to his side quickly. I tapped my wrist against the reader. My plugsuit had a chip embedded in it, so that I could always re-enter the base. It wasn't like I had pockets for my ID card.

The reader chirped twice at me and then the shutter started to retract, agonizingly slowly. I looked up to Clark while the motors chugged out a monotonous done. "Why did you come all this way? I didn't think a rescue needed a fleet commander."

He looked at me with a half smile that turned to a frown, "I have… _concerns."_

I heard the dull thunk of the door finally locking into place and I heard a single footstep from the side.

"As it would happen, so do I. Come, bring the girls, leave the soldiers."

Father. So he had seen what was happening? But could he have really ordered it. He seemed angry, but he wasn't directing it at me, angry at the situation? Angry at the guards?

"And your guards?" Clark probed.

"They were mistaken. Come, Akagi is waiting."

XXX

The scent of alcohol burned my nose and made my eyes water as Akagi worked over the half-conscious form of Asuka. Her bleached hair was matted to her skin, she was definitely stressed out. She probably wasn't often _this_ kind of doctor, but then she was the only one who could be at the moment.

And I wasn't going to leave, not after everything I did. I had to make sure Asuka would be okay. After everything else, I had to see it through to the end. I'd come too far for anything else.

"Is she going to be okay?" I finally found the breath to ask. After everything-

"She's been contaminated by an Angel. We have no idea _what_ is going to happen," Akagi answered without turning to look at me. She seemed dismissive, distracted. Because she _was_ distracted, but I still needed to know.

"Ayanami and I seem to be fine with Angelic contamination. Well, less _contamination_ in her case, right?" I prodded back. I wasn't stupid, I knew what Ayanami was, and I knew this new flesh wasn't Rei Ikari original.

I wasn't on anti-rejection drugs, so that stood to reason that I _couldn't_ reject it. It was either me, or something my body couldn't possibly decide was foreign. Or something my immune system couldn't kill if it _tried._

She looked annoyed, "This is different… But she's alive. She'll probably stay that way, if my hunch is right."

"Hunch?"

She shook her head. "None of it was right, none of what happened to her. I think that, based on what you'd said and what we saw, and what I see now… The Angel was puppeteering Asuka and using her to control the Evangelion. It wouldn't want her to die _ever_, so it wouldn't do anything to kill her. Whatever has been done to her, I don't see it being _fatal_."

She looked distraught, I didn't like that look, and I liked it less on Akagi when she was trying to help Asuka.

I licked my now suddenly very dry mouth, "I feel a but..."

She nodded. "But, I don't know that whatever we get at the end of this is going to _be_ Asuka. It might have been more merciful to have killed her with the Angel. Only time will tell if bringing her here was worth it."

I shook my head, "No, it _was_ worth it. There was never any other choice."

"Maybe _that's_ what Misato sees in you."

I felt the blush but ignored it. "So what now?"

She laughed humorlessly and shook her head. Her hair was matted, her face slick with sweat. Stress was a hell of a thing, and I felt like Asuka and I had both caused her more than enough of it. "Now, I need a cigarette. After that, we wait and see _who_ wakes up."

"You're done?" I asked, looking over at the, thankfully, unconscious Asuka.

She dropped into her chair. It wasn't like we had an operating room at NERV, at least not one I was privy too, so the room we had our physicals in had to do.

Somehow I was sure it hadn't mattered.

"There wasn't much to do. I stopped the bleeding, not that you hadn't done a pretty good job of that yourself. The only thing we can do is wait, and contain. It's out of my hands now, she's stable, but she wasn't far from that when you brought her in. If anything other than an Angel had done that to her she'd have been dead an hour ago." Akagi explained with her head leaned against the wall. Her voice seemed flat, exhausted. I could relate.

I sat next to her and leaned my head back against the wall. My skin itched under the plugsuit and I flexed my left hand. "Is that why I didn't die?"

"I can't say why you're still here, Rei. I did what I could, but the rest, well... You might have to ask-"

The door burst open and the sound of hurried footsteps followed after, I jumped to my feet and turned towards the sound. The loud cracking sound met my ears before anything else. I hadn't even seen the movement, but I felt the sudden stinging in my left cheek.

A moment later it felt like the air was being forced out of my lungs while my eyes teared up. The mop of white-blue hair obscuring my vision was a familiar one, and I felt my arms moving of their own accord.

"You could have died." The voice was muffled by my plugsuit. The speaker was wearing one just like it, but in white. She sounded upset, or as upset as I'd ever heard her.

"Ayanami, I had to." I answered simply, my face still tingling from the slap. She was upset, I understood that. It wasn't my finest moment but I hadn't a choice.

She pulled away. Her eyes were bloodshot, her face damp. She was crying. "There were other options. You should have waited for me to get there."

I nodded, "You're right… but I couldn't leave her alone. I wouldn't leave anyone alone to go through what she went through."

She smiled thinly and shook her head, "You take too many chances. I… I do not want to lose you. I cannot protect you if you do not let me."

I heard a chuckle and turned my head to the side, enough to catch Akagi out of the corner of my eye. She was shaking her head, "And here I thought you couldn't make it worse; you've got Ayanami upset with you. I don't envy you one bit."

I looked back to Ayanami and was filled with a mix of confusion and sadness. Confusion that she was even in such a state, and sadness that I'd caused it. "I'm sorry. I guess we're too alike, trying to put ourselves in danger for others."

She seemed to consider the statement and her smile reached her eyes, just for a moment. "We'll be the same."

I smiled back and put my hand to the shoulder of her white plugsuit, the canary yellow of my own glove wasn't a sharp contrast. "You know, with my hair messed up like this, I'm a pair of contact lenses away from being your doppelganger. I guess we're pretty close to the same already." I offered with a laugh.

She let out a quiet laugh, one I'd heard before but rarely could catch her doing while I was looking. "An improvement to be sure."

Ayanami pulled away from me and moved to Asuka's side, to what end I couldn't be sure, but I watched her anyway. She seemed to study the unconscious girl for a moment before she pressed the wrist of her own plugsuit and released the tension.

The suit went baggy and she pulled it half way down, far enough to pull her right arm out of the suit and place her bare hand on Asuka's forehead. I tasted ozone for a moment, but nothing seemed to happen.

She pulled her hand away from the other girl and tucked it back into her plugsuit and reset the tension, an instant later it was clinging to her form. She turned and looked confused, almost but not quite troubled. As if she saw, or felt, or sensed something that was unexpected, or somehow wrong?

It wouldn't have taken a psychic to know that something was wrong with Asuka, but then why did she need to touch her with her bare hand? I wanted to ask, but I wasn't sure I wanted to know what she might say.

I would, for the moment, be satisfied that Asuka was alive, and that Ayanami cared. Even as unexpected as her reaction was. It seemed there was more to everyone than there first appeared to be. I would have never expected Ayanami to be so close with Akagi, nor Ayanami to be so open with her feelings to me.

But then here we were.

I blinked. I'd forgotten, how could I have forgotten? She was important, so important, but everything else…

"Where's Misato?"


	29. Hurt

Chapter 27:  
Hurt

_"I will let you down, I will make you hurt."_

I'd managed to wash the LCL out of my hair, but little else. The scent of the mint shampoo was calming, but only slightly. I was still stuck in my plugsuit, but I'd managed to at least clean up. I had only a few minutes to get ready, and I had to be here for this.

Normally a pilot or staff member who was injured in the field would be first taken to a surface hospital, though Asuka's case was unique and required, at least I thought, more than what the surface hospital could provide.

The main benefit was that you could airlift somebody to the surface hospital without having to take them through the myriad elevators that crisscrossed the geofront proper. This meant that a wounded pilot or forward deployed technician could receive treatment as fast as possible, angelic contamination notwithstanding.

The heavy twin rotor helicopter hovered overhead as it made its final approach to the hospital's helipad. Misato was going to be on that helicopter, and a lot of other wounded people as well. We'd been told that much, and I could only hope, pray, that she was going to be alright.

It was allowing myself to believe this that let me keep going and keep from breaking down completely.

The helicopter started to settled onto the pad and the rotor wash blew my hair back, the sour taste that let me know I might be sick started to fill my mouth. It wouldn't be as bad as I thought, right? I hadn't changed anything. It would be the same. She'd sent the Apache, right?

The rotor pitch changed abruptly when the wheels touched down on the pad, they'd immediately started reducing power. They were going to shut it down, there was no other trip to make it seemed.

The ramp dropped with a whine and members of the hospital staff rushed up into the helicopter. In moments the wounded were being walked out, or carried on stretchers.

As each person passed by my fear grew, and I had yet to see Misato. I couldn't decide if that was good or bad, and I couldn't calm down in the slightest.

I felt the hand grip my shoulder and turned my head slightly. Captain Clark had come with me, either as support or due to a lack of trust in the Nerv authorities. In either case I was glad for his presence. It had as much of a calming effect as anything could have at that moment.

My left hand kept fidgeting, clenching into a fist and opening back up. I shook it to try to make myself stop.

And there she was. My heart felt like it stopped and started beating again. She stepped off the ramp under her own power, a slight limp but she'd had that since the fight over the pacific. She was okay. She was _fine_. I felt the tension fall away.

Left foot, right foot, left, right. I started walking, and then ran the rest of the way up to her. She turned and caught sight of me and froze, her expression turned cold.

What?

"Misat-" I started, nervous apprehension colored my voice, I felt ice in the pit of my stomach.

"Did you know?" She cut in abruptly. Her face was a mixture of hurt and hatred.

I was, in an instant, terrified. Terrified of what she might do, terrified she might know what I had done, what I'd failed to do. But how could she even suspect?

"Did you know?!" She yelled at me. I could see the tears forming in her eyes.

My mouth was dry, my eyes were watering, heart pounding. "I couldn't-"

Crack. The world spun and my cheek was on fire. I hit the ground with a thud and stared up into the sky. The inside of my mouth was bleeding, my ribs hurt from hitting the ground. Misato was crying, staring down at me, her hand still held out from where she'd hit me.

She knew that I knew. She knew that I knew and didn't tell her. She didn't know that I couldn't take the risk, I couldn't stand the thought of losing her.

Had I lost her?

I tried to blink back my tears, I saw Clark from the corner of my eye rushing to my side, I couldn't imagine what he thought of what just happened. I didn't know what _I_ thought of it.

Other than that, perhaps, my life was over.

I pushed myself up to my knees but couldn't really bring myself to stand, not quite yet. More footsteps, Clark had his hand around my elbow. I saw movement behind Misato, a shorter figure. A girl, about my height, a little shorter. I recognized her. I'd seen that face before, in the mirror and on the projector.

"What are you doing here?" I choked out through my tears and pain. Of all the people who it could have been, it had to be Rose?

"I had to make sure she knew the things that she needed to know, the things that you were unwilling to tell her. I gave her the warning you refused to," she spat at me. Her own face mirrored the disgust that I'd seen on Misato's face before.

I clenched my fist so hard I heard the bones crack, felt my heart rate jump, my blood pressure spike. In that moment I could have died or exploded, or any point in between. My stomach was in a knot, my blood was boiling.

I jerked away from Clark's grip in a single fluid movement and pushed myself up onto my feet in a frantic lunge for the other girl, my teeth were bared, jaw clenched. "I'll fucking kill you!" I screamed as I swung my left fist for her face.

Scared little girl, seasoned fighter pilot, and terrified lover, the girl I'd been before, and the one that I was now, all screamed and cried in my mind. I was going to kill her, I'd tear her throat out with my bare teeth if I had to.

The wild swing connected with her raised arm, but she was an even match for me on a good day, and I was furious beyond compare. My punch pushed her block up against her head anyway, and I followed up with a jab from my right fist into her gut.

Her fist connected with the side of my head but I didn't care, it didn't matter. I didn't feel it. I kept pushing forward and drove her over onto her back and into the ground. I fell on top of her and slammed my head forward against hers.

I felt the fist connect with my nose and felt the blood start to rush out onto my lip. I didn't care, my chest was on fire, I felt the heat rushing through my body. I wanted blood and I was going to get it.

The blow that took me in the ribcage came by surprise. I lost my grip on my prey and rolled onto my back and bounced. I looked up to see that Misato was standing above me, between me and Rose. She'd stopped me?

"Don't you know how many people she's killed?! You're going to take her side? You're going to stop me? After what she did!? She tried to kill both of us! She tried to kill my father!" I screamed through my tears and blood. Betrayal begets betrayal? I was trying to _protect _her, and this was what I got?

Rose sat up and spit blood onto the concrete, her head jerked over to look at me. She'd expected the physical confrontation? Maybe. She shook her head at me and pushed herself back to her feet, "How many people have _you_ killed? Through action or inaction. What do you think happened the night you lost your arm?"

I felt Clark pulling me back to my feet, and I let him. I looked between him, and the two woman, one of whom I thought loved me. Rose had ruined that. "So you're against me now? You're against me… after everything I did for you? Is that true Misato?"

"You kept important information from me, Rei. People have died because of this." She tried to keep her face stern, but she looked like she was as close to breaking down as I already was.

"So fucking what!? I couldn't know it would be the same! It wasn't supposed to be Asuka! I just wanted to make sure you were safe, I didn't want to change it, couldn't bear to see you die!" I screamed back. I couldn't take it, couldn't keep looking at her eyes, seeing that hurt.

I shoved Clark away from me and turned. The need to fight and kill had turned into a need to flee. I couldn't see her, couldn't let her see me. Not right now, maybe never again.

Left foot, right foot, left, right. I dropped my head and ran. I heard the yelling behind me, but I didn't care. Didn't care where I ended up, as long as it wasn't there.

The pavement gave way to gravel, which gave way to grass, and then pavement again. I didn't look where I was going, didn't care. I felt my heart pounding, felt my lungs burning, but I couldn't stop. Not after that, not after worry turned to relief and then terror. No. 

xxx

Concrete turned back to grass, and to dirt, and to brush. I had no idea how long I'd been running, but my body didn't seem to need to stop any time soon. It was my second wind, my third wind. It could have been hours, or days. I didn't care, couldn't bring myself to really think about it any terms other than distance from my problems. Everything had gone so wrong, so fast. I didn't, couldn't, know how to fix any of it.

"Ayanami?"

I stopped in place, almost tripped over myself and shook my head. I was drenched in sweat, my plugsuit didn't exactly breathe so once I had the time to think about it, it felt _slimy_ on my skin. My hair was matted down to my head and my stomach ached for food.

I blinked and turned towards the voice. The air was thick with the smell of _foliage _and… cooking food?

"Aida? How?" I blurted out, my brain not quite able to catch up with my mouth.

He tilted his head at me, "No, Ikari? Your hair is different. I camp out here sometimes, survival training, you know, if the power goes out for a long time or something," he explained. "Are you okay? What are you doing out here dressed like that?"

I shook my head, "I… I made a mistake. I don't want to talk about it."


	30. Where Angels Fear to Tread

Chapter 28:  
Where Angels Fear to Tread

The smell of the campfire was soothing in the same way as the blanket I had wrapped tight against my skin. My stomach was full, or as full as I could tolerate. I'd eaten what I could force down, but even then only because Aida had insisted.

It seemed I couldn't stop being someone's problem. My guardian's problem, Misato's, my father's problem. I'd given enough grief to Becket and Clark. Touji and Hikari. Now I was a burden on Aida. Maybe that was my lot, to be a burden and let people down.

He pushed a log into the fire with his foot and seemed to be avoiding looking directly at me. I could understand that, we really hardly knew each other, but it was a testament to his character that he'd helped me so readily.

He'd given me food, a place to sleep, and a blanket to cover myself up with so I could take my plugsuit off and get cleaned up. The last part was probably the most important to me. Of course, I probably looked like hell. I'd been crying, my face was probably messed up from the fight, and my ribs were definitely bruised.

But he was pretending not to notice, either to spare my own feelings, or to spare his own. He was probably better than all of us, though. Better than I was; he hadn't lied. He hadn't peeked when I had changed into the blanket. A gentleman, or shy.

Couldn't it be both?

I slid down the fallen log we were both sitting on until I was next to him. I felt the heat rising in my cheeks but it felt better than the tears. My lips felt numb as I turned to look at him, comfortably too close to him. "You know, I should have probably taken you up on that trip to the airshow. I'd have had more fun with you."

He blushed and parted his lips to speak. On raw impulse I lunged the last few inches and kissed him, turned and threw my arm, and half the blanket around him. I leaned in, and he stood up. My blanket fell half way off and he turned his head away.

"Rei I… I like you but, it shouldn't happen like this? I know… I know something is probably going on right now and this doesn't feel right, not like this, okay?" He stammered out, still making very sure to stare into the forest and nowhere near me.

I pulled the blanket back up and wrapped myself in it tightly. I'd fucked up again, ruined it _again_. "I'll leave… just let me get my plugsuit and-"

"No, you don't have to leave!" he yelled suddenly, not in anger but something closer to panic. "You can stay, just… just we can't do anything like that. It's too soon, too fast. It doesn't feel right. Okay?"

I slumped my shoulders and leaned closer to the fire. Maybe if I was lucky a stray spark would come flying out of it and set me on fire and I could be consumed completely, and not have to deal with the strain of living after such a huge mistake.

"It's not too late, you know," he said suddenly.

I looked up at him, "What?"

"It's not too late, the airshow is still going on tomorrow. They had to delay it because of the alert. They're going to do live fire demonstrations with classic American aircraft! I heard they were going to use a North American P-51 Mustang and a Lockheed P-38 Lightning!" He gushed at me. His face was still red, but it was a distraction.

I could let him have the distraction.

I smiled, "That actually does sound pretty cool..."

"Yeah, it's not far. We'll be able to see it from here! That… might be another reason I chose this as my campsite."

I laughed, for the first time that day, "Well that sounds _exactly_ like the Aida I expected you to be. It sounds like fun."

Maybe I wouldn't be such a disappointment. He'd asked me on a date, why not take him up, even if it was a little late? Consequences were going to find me sooner or later, but for the moment I could try to escape from them, just for a little while.

xxx

The furred leather aviator's cap and goggles perched atop my head did everything they needed to to hide my hair color from the public eye, the sheepskin jacket made it look less like a disguise and more like a silly Japanese girl doing a cosplay.

Aida was a true gentleman, and I'd have to pay him back later. It did make sense that stuff like this would be sold at an airshow in _Japan_ of all places, and so much the better to cover up as much of my plugsuit as I could.

Not that anyone here was likely to know what a plugsuit was, looked like, or was for.

The smell of high octane aviation fuel and brake pads filled the air. It was as close to nirvana as I was likely to achieve in my life, a familiar, nostalgic scent. Familiar like a reflection in the mirror from long ago, like a photograph I didn't quite remember taking.

But for now, for a minute or an hour, I could lose myself in it. Revel in the past, of better years gone by. A feeling of nostalgia for a life I never lived, yet didn't care any _less_ about for it.

The roar of twin radials rushed by overhead and I looked up to see a C-47 in a shallow right hand bank, trailing colored smoke as it passed by. The engine start checklist popped into my head along with the memory of how the yoke and throttles felt under another girl's hands.

I shook my head and turned back to Aida and put on a smile, "This is pretty cool, right?"

He blushed and laughed, "This might be the best thing that's ever happened to me!"

The pitch of the engines changed suddenly, I jerked my head to the side on instinct and saw that the C-47 had stopped trailing smoke and was extending out of the area, the engines sounded like they'd been ramped up to full power. It was probably part of the show but it still attracted my attention.

The crowd got quiet suddenly, and I began to worry. I glanced over to Aida and he looked back, but there was just as much confusion and worry on his face as I'd felt. I'd spent the night in the woods with him, nobody had found me, was this somehow related?

"_Please exit to the nearest shelter in an orderly fashion. Please exit to the nearest shelter in an orderly fashion. This is not a drill. This is not a drill."_

The pre-recorded message was one that had been heard a lot, they played it when the Angel sirens went off, usually. But that hadn't happened yet. It shouldn't have happened so quickly anyway, it had only been a day. That didn't match the timeline. That didn't match anything.

The crowd started to pour out, but I stayed in place, frozen in indecision. Aida stayed by my side, as if deferring to my own experience in these matters. If only he knew how little I knew, and how much I knew too.

The rapid 'thuck thuck thuck'ing of multiple rotor discs approached rapidly and passed overhead, at least a _dozen_ Apache helicopters were flying in formation towards the city center. That was not an Angel attack, they wouldn't have bothered, not anymore, not after-

"Asuka."

Aida looked at me, "What about her?"

I looked out at airfield, there were still aircraft on the apron, ready for their turn in the show, but the pilots, ground crew had all started to evacuate. I looked back at Aida, and then towards the city. I clenched my left fist and felt the tears fall.

All the things I'd fought for, fought to protect, but I'd still lost it. Lost it because I was afraid of changing things, of losing people, and I'd lost them anyway. Not to injury or death but to my own insecurity, as a result of my own lies, my own omissions.

I'd brought Asuka to them, everyone had seen her, everyone had seen what had happened to her. Everyone had seen who'd taken her in. Rose had flipped sides, told Misato everything, and if anyone else heard, if anyone else knew-

They might attack. That was always the risk, right? If Rose told them, if she knew what I knew, and she had to know, then everyone was in danger. This would be an excuse to attack, to take control… They'd ruin everything, because I fucked up!

"Kensuke, I… I have to go. I have to get back there, I have to make this right!" I almost screamed as the tears fell from my eyes.

I felt a hand grab me by the shoulder, I turned and saw a guard trying to pull me away, towards the shelters? "Come on!" he yelled at me.

I pulled back, "No, I have to do-"

He jerked me and I almost fell off my feet, "Stupid girl, do you want to die?"

I felt my right fist curl up into a ball, and an instant later I heard the crack, but I hadn't moved.

The hand released from my shoulder and spun around to see Kensuke had cold-cocked the guy. Must have learned something from Touji after all? The guard had put an arm around him and was trying to wrestle him to the ground, but he wasn't paying attention to me anymore.

His pointed his hand out towards a P-38 sitting out on the airfield, "You're a pilot, right? Go, this is your chance. I wish I could help, I wish I could make a difference like you, Rei, but I can't. I _can_ give you a chance, so take it. Run!"

After this, I would come back for him, I would find him. I would do whatever it took, pull any favor, to get him out of trouble, to pay him back for his kindness. The boy who I'd ignored all this time, and he was everything I could have used before, he was the friend I needed.

I spun away and felt into a sprint as more helicopters passed overhead, headed for the city, carrying the heavy ordnance. We'd been so close to the end, just a few more, and then I could have done what ever I could to stop the world from turning wrong, I couldn't let this stop me.

I couldn't let Misato, or Ayanami, or Asuka, or Father die, couldn't let them be taken, not while I had any breath left in my body.

I fell against the left engine nacelle and picked myself up again, I didn't have the time to slow down gracefully, somebody might catch me, stop me, and I couldn't have that, not when so much was at stake.

I climbed up onto the wing and pushed the canopy open, and dropped myself into the seat. This was all familiar, damn familiar. Gypsy Rose had flown one of these before, many years ago. So I knew what I had to do.

I pulled the canopy shut and slapped my hand down on the main battery disconnect. "Fools rush in..."


	31. Finest Hour

Chapter 29:  
Finest Hour

My hands were shaking as I pulled the goggles down over my eyes. I toggled the fuel pumps on and checked the panel, full fuel in all tanks. I would be a little heavy, but that meant at least an hour and change of fuel, that'd do.

Power on, fuel on, magnetos on, primer on. I rolled the prop advance to full and pushed the throttles to the lower quarter and set the mixture to full rich. Radiators full open. The guard was running for me now, I could see him out of the canopy, he'd left Kensuke alone.

If he wanted me out, I'd make him shoot me.

I pushed the started for the left engine and listened as it chugged through. Oil pressure came up, one, two, three, four, five, six blades past, the engine caught. I leaned on the wheel brakes and throttled the engine up to half and then back down again, then set the mixture to auto-rich.

He stopped and threw his arms up in confusion, he was probably smart enough not to approach a spinning propeller. Hopefully he was smart enough not to try stopping me.

I hit the starter for the right engine and watched through six, seven, eight blades, before the engine caught. I dropped the mixture into auto-rich and throttled both engines up and let off the wheel brakes.

I started to roll immediately, and there wasn't time to waste. I steered the nose towards a clear patch of the apron and pushed both throttles up to the wire. The engines roared up to full military power and the craft lurched forward. I felt each crack in the pavement through the tires as I lumbered forward.

As always there had never been a choice. Not in the arctic, not over the pacific. Not with my father, nor Asuka. Since the very first day I set foot inside Nerv, there was never a choice. I would fight, because I had to fight, because I was a person who could fight. Even if somebody else could do it, I couldn't ask them to do it alone.

I reached down and powered on the gyro-stabalized gun-sight. The cross-hair lit up and floated in front of me inside of the mechanism. It had been a live fire demonstration, right? I could only hope that this was one of the craft that they'd loaded with ammo.

If they hadn't, I could still ram.

I eased the yoke back and the nose pitched up, with a few dozen meters of apron left in front of me I felt the mains pick up off the ground and I pulled the lever to retract the gear. In the air again, in a plane that was older than my father, from a war fought against my homeland.

And I was going to use it to fight a war against my homeland, to protect the ones that mattered to me… or I was going to die trying.

I pulled the radio set over my head and finally strapped myself into the seat, now that I had the time to. They wouldn't be able to catch me now. I looked down at the radio panel. A set this old wouldn't pick up encrypted comms, wouldn't be able to broadcast on those frequencies either. I could run on guard, or military guard, but that would be in the clear.

Unless…

I rolled to a frequency and keyed the mic, "This is November Charlie One One Three, to Robert Dean Stethem. I feel like I'm on a knife's edge. Lot of helicopter traffic up here. They're making it hard to see the Irises, what's going on?"

It was in code. It was a shitty code, but it was supposed to be, and I couldn't think of anything better. If the right people were listening, it would get their attention.

I didn't have radar, gps, navigation of any kind. I had to do this the old fashioned way, with my eyes. I rolled into a shallow turn towards the city center and kept my altitude low. This plane really shined in energy fighting but I couldn't afford to climb and make myself a visible target.

Eighty years out of date, but she still had a few tricks left, I was sure.

I eased the yoke forward and dropped altitude until I was nearly scraping the treetops. For what good it might do, every little bit that made me stand out less helped. The radio remained silent. If they heard me, if they put together what I said, they weren't responding.

My airspeed was approaching four hundred fifty, rather fast for a prop fighter. Fast even for a P-38, I had to wonder if this wasn't a K model instead of the L it appears to be. At this kind of speed it wouldn't take long either way.

And maybe I'd be lucky, and my suspicions would be invalid, it would be something else, and I was overreacting.

But Rose didn't show up when things were okay. No, she was the harbinger of sorrow. The anti-angel defense batteries lurched into the air ahead of me, propelled out of the ground on their high speed tracks.

Ahead of my flight path the ground pulled apart and an Evangelion launch track slid up into the air. Still no Angel siren. Unit Two slid up into my view, directly in front of me, a moment later. I felt my stomach drop into my feet as I stepped hard into the left rudder and wrenched the yoke over to avoid flying directly into the behemoth.

I keyed my mic back up as I leveled back out, "November Charlie One One Three to Evangelion Unit Two, what the hell is going on?"

As often as we'd played this game, if they weren't listening on VHF yet, I was going to punch someone.

"_You know, you're a lot like your mother, Ikari. The military is attacking. They're trying to take over, they're trying to kill Asuka." _The reply came back quickly, and in English. I recognized the voice as Mari's. It was too much to hope that Asuka would be back on her feet so quickly. _"Where are you transmitting from?"_

"I'm in the P-38. If we're under attack I'm not running away. Find me a place to set down and I'll join you in Unit One." I answered back. Cat was out of the bag now, right? No more use for misdirection.

"_No joy Ikari, surface access lines are cut. They're trying to slow the military down, but they'll probably blow the city if they can't get in." _Mari answered back as Unit Two dropped down and then lunged into a sprint towards the city center.

"Like hell!" I yelled back and rolled the frequency over to military guard.

I punched the throttle through the wire and tapped the trigger. A short burst of pure tracer erupted from the fifty cals in the nose. She had teeth. Good to know.

I keyed up, "This is Rei Ikari to anyone listening. Toyko-3 is under attack by the Japanese military. I plan to fight them with every last breath in my body. I'm fighting to save the my friends, my family, and the only home I have left. I've fought to save this world, and I haven't always done the right thing… but I've tried.

"Captain Clark, if you're listening, after what I kept from you, you don't have any obligation to me, not anymore… but if you're willing, if you've got it in your heart, I could use some help to save my friends."

My throat felt tight, the tears were flowing. Even after what I'd done, I could still find it in myself to be a burden yet again on the people who'd helped me so many times? I-

"_Ikari, this is Kitty Hawk Actual. I don't kill kids and I don't abide those who do. If we burn, we're burning together. Help is on the way."_

I felt the hint of a grin pulling at the corner of my mouth. Maybe my account still had enough left in it to cash a few checks against. "Roger that Kitty Hawk. Try not to shoot down the P-38 I'm driving. Long story, if I survive I'll tell you about it. Ikari out."

May as well have painted a target on my wing, but if they were shooting at me, then I knew where to shoot back. I rolled in and dove for the surface, I had all the airspeed I could want with the engines running wide open. They were good for five minutes of war emergency power, and after that I'd probably be dead.

But then I had a big red friend who was drawing more attention than I was. I saw a group of Apaches hovering in a semi circle around Mari, firing rockets at her. They were going for the cable. Not today.

They were even nice enough to line up for me. The P-38 was ready for this. She'd been resting easy since the end of the war, but she knew what to do. She had a warriors spirit.

I chopped the throttle back to half on both engines and stepped hard into the rudder to bring the cross-hair where I wanted it. I had limited ammo, had to make it count. I'd have been surprised if it was anything but full tracer belts, and I had no idea how much they loaded, but it felt pretty heavy.

The cross-hair dropped over the first helicopter and I squeezed the firing stud for the hispano and was greeted with the thumping of the twenty millimeter auto-cannon pouring out its lethal payload. Bright red tracers lanced through the side of the lead Apache, and I kept stepping into the rudder and pulling on the yoke to rake my fire across the whole group.

The lead chopper hung in the air for a moment and then dropped like a stone as the engines failed. Helicopters were fragile things. The remaining four didn't fare much better, they weren't going to stick to the fight at the very least.

Best to be sure though.

I dropped the nose again and slammed my finger down on the firing stud for the brownings and fired a torrent of bright red fifty caliber tracers towards the helicopters and raked my fire through the group again before powering the throttle back into WEP and extending out.

There were going to be more Apaches than there were bullets in my machine guns, but I was piloting a guided missile, if I wanted to think of it like that. If I lived that long. I was one manpad away from being a flaming ball of wreckage.

Ground troops were moving into the city ahead and below me. This kind of thing was crazy, moving in ground troops against an evangelion made about as much sense as a soup sandwich, but then so did fighting them with a P-38.

Let today be a day of anachronisms. I pushed the stick forward and lined the reticule up on the road in front of me and pressed down the firing stud for the brownings and raked fire up along the convoy as I pushed through into the city proper.

The buildings would give me some cover from air to air missiles, though the flying would be nerve wracking as hell. The pure tracer belts, though, would scare the hell out of anyone I fired them at, even if they were less effective.

My heart was pounding in my chest, blood rushing into my ears. I was killing men now, men who were doing the wrong thing for the right reasons, my own countrymen. They were dying because of choices I made, and then I had to be the one to pull the trigger.

I blinked the tears out of my eyes. It didn't matter, fuck them. I didn't know them. I knew Ayanami, Asuka, Misato, Father, even Mari. I knew Akagi and Touji and Hikari. I'd pick any of them over every one of these guys every single time.

I saw a plume of smoke up ahead and squinted. A missile launch from a Japanese F-2A headed right for me. I had about six or eight seconds to appreciate how fucked I was. A P-38 was never going to outrun or out turn a modern missile. I keyed my mic up and stared straight ahead, "Misato, I'm sorry. I love you."

Four. Three. Two.

Oblivion take me.

A dark grey shape pulled head of me, pulling so many G's that the wings were shaking as it trailed vapor off the wingtips. I hauled back hard on the yoke right as the missile drilled through the midsection of the jet and exploded, by what felt like only inches I cleared the debris cloud and pulled a high G turn away from the Japanese jets.

"What the fuck?" I yelled to nobody in particular as I looked up and around through the canopy to figure out what the hell just happened. Three Raptors rocketed past overhead, followed by a much, much greater number of Super Hornets.

I keyed the mic as I pushed for the deck, to bury myself between the buildings to screw up their radar locks. "Who was that? Who just took a missile for me?"

"Cylon one one is down. Cylon one one is down. Cylon One Three, disengage. We'll avenge this loss."

The tears flowed again and I clenched the microphone switch, "If it's not wearing the stars and stripes, it dies. We have no other friends today."

So this was Rose's final 'fuck you' then? Would she be pleased to know she got her own brother killed? How would she feel when she found out?

I wanted to see her face, I wanted to see her justify it.

My fuel gauge was dropping for the left wing fuel tank. I looked over, I could see a thin trail. I must have taken a small arms hit, or maybe debris from the explosion. It didn't matter, I had more fuel than I'd need.

I powered back through the road I'd strafed before and fired another burst into the soldiers as I extended out towards Unit Two. She had a couple high-tech looking jet powered VTOL craft giving her trouble.

A step backwards and a heel kick later, both of the craft had exploded into shrapnel.

Maybe she didn't need as much help as I thought. If I could get to my Evangelion I could make them all regret this.

I looked back wards the city as a large red shape flew over top of me and into a high rise. Unit Two?

My eyes were drawn back from the direction the Evangelion had come from, and I was faced with the sudden, large, form of an Angel. One with two large, foil shaped arms. So. It was going to be that kind of a day.

I slammed the throttles to the stops and held onto the yoke for dear life, and forced the plane into a dive. I needed airspeed, airspeed was distance, distance was life. Life was victory.

A flash of movement to my left told me that Unit Two had launched itself back into the air, moments before a blast from the Angel leveled the building that the Eva had previously been leaning against.

This was not a fight she could win alone.

The next blast shook the plane and threatened to knock me from the sky, and with is the city center disappeared completely. The Angel had punched the armor completely in a single shot, and had a direct line to central dogma. Not good.

But then, that hole worked for everyone, didn't it?

I pulled back on the yoke and turned my airspeed into an Immelmann turn back towards the city, or would have had I not held the turn and turned it into a Split-S maneuver that took me inside of the now torn-open geofront.

I chopped the throttle to idle and dropped the landing gear and flaps. I need to shed airspeed and get on the ground quickly. Nothing except getting to the Evangelion mattered at this point. The P-38 couldn't do what I needed it to do, not for this.

Nobody else was going to die today. Not after Becket. I couldn't allow anyone else I cared about to die.

I let the craft drop in a lateral slip to shed altitude and add drag as I neared the large flat patch of ground that I'd planned to set down on, it would be near enough an access door to serve my purposes, if I could make it in time.

I was coming in too fast, in lieu of airbrakes I fired several long bursts from the machine guns and cannon, I would be needing neither in a few moments. The mains set down on the grass with a rough thud and I leaned hard into the wheel brakes while I cut fuel to the engines.

The airplane bounced and shuddered on the rough ground, but it held together. It was made for this, and it had seen worse. As I slowed I stepped into the left rudder to bring me closer to the pyramid. The closer I could get, the shorter the trip I'd have to take.

I cut the power when the wheels finally stopped turning and I popped the canopy open. I crawled out onto the wing on shaky legs, I could smell the gasoline. I was definitely leaking. But she'd done her job.

The Angel dropped into the hole above me and the ground started to shake. I found myself frozen in terror. Either I'd die in the next few seconds or I wouldn't, but there wasn't a damn thing I could do to influence the outcome.

And then Unit Three jumped out of the lake.


	32. One Minute to Midnight

Chapter 30:  
One Minute to Midnight

The familiar hallways were longer than I remembered, the urgency and fear with which I ran ensured that. I could be too late; I could meet a firing squad around every corner. More people I cared about could die while I tried desperately to find the speed I needed to get where I needed to go.

If I was lucky the soldiers hadn't made it down this far. If I was unlucky I, at least, wouldn't have to live to see the end of the world. I shook my head and pushed harder, dug deeper for the energy and stamina I needed to stop anyone else from dying today.

The deeper I got into the base, the stronger the smell of blood and burnt powder got, and I knew that I may already be too late. Even with what was going on outside, they were still fighting in here? Stupid. So stupid, the world would end for the ramblings of a girl that somehow people believed.

Or maybe she'd forced someone's hand, and they had to move early.

The ground shook violently and I nearly lost my footing, had to brace myself against the wall before I could continue running. I didn't even feel winded, even as my heart pounded in my chest with a force I'd never felt before.

Ten meters, five, three, I skid to a halt in front of the cage door and smacked my wrist against it. The electronic tag in my plugsuit triggered the lock and the door slid open. An instant later a pair of hands dragged me inside and I heard the door slide shut behind me.

"What are you doing here?" I heard the voice, flat, but familiar. The tone was accusational, hurt.

I felt the tears rising already.

"Misato? You know why I'm here." I answered as calmly as I could. I felt myself shaking, in fear, rage, pain. What would happen now?

"You lied to me. You lied and you ran away. You kept _this_ from me!" She yelled, her hand gripped my shoulder hard. I couldn't tell if her other was going to hit me or hold me.

"Of course I kept it from you!" I yelled with sudden fire, my true feelings, my motivations, they were pure, right? "Look what's happened! Look at all this fighting, all this killing! _This_ is why I didn't say anything! As bad as things were, the way I remembered, they weren't this bad, not this soon! This is what unkept secrets can cause!"

Her grip tightened, she stared with hard eyes. "We could have fixed this, we could have made it better if you'd told me sooner, we could have kept this from happening!"

I jerked away from her, I felt my blood boiling. This fight had been coming. "Of course we couldn't have! At least _this_ I knew would work! I'm not the only one who kept secrets Misato! The only difference between you and me is that I already knew what you weren't telling me!"

She deflated slightly, her guilty eyes looked to the side, like she'd been struck and couldn't stand to see me. "She told me that, with the rest of it."

"Then you should understand! You know why you didn't tell me what you didn't tell me! I had a good reason, this attack should tell you-"

She cut me off with a hard look, "Why did you come back?"

"You heard my message if you were listening. I came back to repent for my sins." I explained. I felt the fire leaving me, leaving behind the hurt, the pain. The duty.

"And If I won't let you? If, after all this, I don't trust you? What then?" She accused. Her composure seemed to be slipping, whether she'd cry or kill me I didn't know.

And I didn't care. If I can't be yours, I don't need to live in this world.

"Shoot me in the head."

"What?!" She almost screamed, she recoiled as if struck.

I looked up at her, tears at the corners of my eyes, but my resolve was strong. "I said shoot me! If after everything we've been through, every battle fought, every victory earned in blood and flesh! If after all of that, the time we spent together, everything we _shared_. I've faced certain doom today and watched one of my only friends sacrifice his own life to save mine, I won't see it happen again!

"I was ready to die then, you heard what I said. I meant every word I said to you. But, if you can't trust me to do the right thing now, to do what I can to stop the people I love from dying, if you think I'm going to do the wrong thing… I want you to put a bullet between my eyes, before another person I love ends up standing in front of a bullet meant for me."

"_Unit two is down! Unit three is taking damage!"_

Her head jerked up to the sound from the loudspeaker and she looked back to me. I'd never seen her look so sad, so defeated. "I can't shoot you, Rei."

"Then let me do what only I can do. Let me fight and die for the only thing in this world that's really worth it."

I flinched when she reached out to my face suddenly, as if to slap it, but the strike never came. I opened my eyes and she ran her finger along my cheek, wiping the tears away. Her lip curled up into something almost a smile. What I'd have given to see that reach her eyes.

"Unit One was already prepared. You can go. I'll be here when you get back." She explained softly. Her tears flowed faster now.

I blinked hard and grabbed her hand, maybe for the last time. "Everything I did, every secret I kept. It was because I love you."

"I know."

xxx

Once again, I felt the familiar weight of the nerve connectors set against my head, in my white mop of hair. My hands wrapped firmly around the warm and familiar control yokes. The weight of the armor plating dropped onto my shoulders like a truck, it was a rush job and it showed.

The panels flashed and lit up with the external view of the cage. In the moment it took me to catch my bearings, I saw Unit Zero launch up a catapult a few rows to my right. Ayanami. I wouldn't let her do this alone, wouldn't let her lose, wouldn't let her get hurt.

Nobody was ever getting hurt again, nobody but me.

"_Unit Three is critically damaged, pilot status unknown."_

Asuka. It had to be.

I slapped my fingers down on the MFD and over-rode the catapult. I was out of time, ready or not, here I come. "Unit One is launching now!" I yelled as the G-forces slammed me down into the control saddle.

I kept screaming as the catapult rocketed upward. The sync wasn't finished, but it was getting there, sensation in my fingers, toes, thighs, biceps. Nearly complete, I'd be ready. I hadn't far to go.

I slammed into the top of the launch rails at the same instant as a flash brighter than a hundred suns blinded me. I put my hand up instinctively to shield my eyes and Unit One mirrored my movement. I could make out the burnt form of Unit Zero as the light faded and the smoke started to clear.

She'd hit it with an N2 mine. That was never going to work. She was disabled, I could see that, either from thermal shock or raw damage, she couldn't move. The Angel started to change started to shift.

Started to form a mouth.

"Ayanami!" I screamed into the radio as I pulled and tore at the launch cradle. I was too far, too slow, the moments held in the launch restraints would make all the difference. The Angel lurched upward, ready for the kill. My left foot made it to the soft dirt floor of the geofront.

"_I have to do everything, don't I?"_

_Asuka._

Time seemed to slip into slow motion as my right foot struck down. The Angel descended, Unit Zero stood as a mute statue, a monument to my own failure.

I took another step, the Angel fell further. A dark shape rose from the ground in a frantic lunging sprint. Blood poured from multiple wounds, one arm was missing, the other stripped of its armor, but in the moment it moved with a fluid and grace that I had only ever seen once before.

Unit Three's surviving shoulder smashed against the inert form of Zero and knocked it clear of the Angel's deadly strike.

For a moment, I allowed myself to have hope. The Angel's attack completed, and Unit Three disappeared into the Angel's gaping maw. A sickening crunch pierced the air, and I knew I truly had failed.

Asuka was more like me than I would have thought.

"No!" I screamed as I dropped down and pushed harder, left, right, left, right, left, right, jump! I launched into the air and crashed down hard on the Angel's chest, tearing through the AT field in a single strike.

My blood was on fire I felt my arm burning, my chest pounding. The deep feelings were coming out, the primal, reptilian urges. My left hand hit, my right. Over and over, drawing blood and splintering bone, shredding the carapace of the creature, cracking its mask.

The form under me changed into that of a girl, instead of the somewhat ribbon-like form it had taken before, the shoulders of the Angel remained, as did the mask. This didn't dissuade me from my task.

A surprised blast from the Angel's face knocked me off of it and I landed on my feet ready to launch myself back into the fight. My armor felt heavier for a moment, and then nothing. The plug went dark and the power alarm flashed. I'd run out of battery power. I'd never plugged in, in my haste.

I felt the plug lurch, I knew from the feeling that I and the Evangelion were airborne, and a moment later, we'd hit the ground. I was aware, dimly, that I was being struck repeadly.

"No."

The plug shook, I felt that burning in my arm again, in my chest, in my heart. I felt the tears falling from my eyes and dissolving in the LCL.

No.

I felt it deep, deep down in that primal place in my soul, full of hate, and rage, and pain. The agony of failure, of defeat. The loss and emptiness that I'd felt, before, that Rei Ikari before the one I was now, the one before I was the sum of two wholes. The one before my life had been completed, if for only a time.

No!

I felt the burn spreading throughout my whole body, that deep primal instinct overriding all else. I knew what was happening to my body, I welcomed it. The hate and the rage boiled over, the pain strengthened me, I would take all of it, now and forever, if I could save them all.

And everything else be damned.

I felt my AT field manifesting, I gripped the control yokes so tight I thought they'd break. I could smell ozone and I knew it was because of me, I knew what I'd become. What I'd had to become, what I needed to become. Only Ayanami would understand.

And Asuka. Asuka. "Asuka..."

I forced the controls forward to their limit as the view screens slowly crackled back to life.

"I'm… taking… her… back!"

My AT field flashed into existence in front of me, blocked the Angel's next attack outright. My blood was rushing in my ears, pumping hard through my veins. I'd never felt more alive, more powerful, more in tune.

I could feel every part of my Evangelion as if it was my own body. The true power of the Evangelion was this, this feeling, this _being_. I lurched back to my feet and purposefully walked towards the Angel. I knew in my heart, instinctively, what I had to do, what I _would_ do.

The Angel blasted me with its energy beams, and by reflex I returned the favor, cleanly severing one of the ribbon foils it had been using to attack me. My whole body tingled with fire and I reveled in it.

I could feel the Angel in front of me, even without seeing it. Feel it's strength, it's fear. I could feel-

Asuka?

Asuka!

I gripped the Angel's bone mask with my left hand and twisted hard, snapping the neck before my right hand pressed against the blood red core. I could feel it, I could feel her, inside, somehow. I was going to take her back, no matter what.

I forced my hand inside the core, and it accepted me. I could feel the AT fields aligning, no, _merging._ In front of me, at the end of the entry plug, it was as though a window was opening as the merger deepened. Sensation fell away to feeling and I climbed out of the saddle to move forward.

I could see her, feel her in front of me.

I wouldn't lose her, not this time, never again. I wouldn't lose anyone, ever again!

"Asuka!" I yelled as I pressed my hands against the barrier I'd met, the last bit of the Angel's AT field that it could use to defend itself against me.

She looked up at me, she looked broken, wounded. Her eye glowed pink, the other still cool blue. "You can't save me."

I dug deep into that primal part at the bottom of my soul and forced my hands, my face, my upper body through that barrier all at once and reached out for her, even though I felt like I was on fire, like my skin was peeling away.

It didn't matter, I'd tear it all off, if I could save her.

"The hell I can't! Take my hand! Take it!" I screamed as I reached down. The heat was intense, the Angel was trying to kill me by force of will, but I wouldn't have it!

She blinked and reached up, almost enough, a few more inches, a few more… My desperation drove me and I forced myself down the last few inches and grabbed her hand as tight as I could and pulled with every muscle fiber in my body.

With a mighty heave I pulled her, and myself back into my entry plug and against the control saddle. Most of my plugsuit had burned away. I was peripherally aware that my arms now matched, and my scars were gone.

But Asuka was safe, she was in front of me, here, and alive. All of my failures, everything up until now, the hurt and heartache, made worth it by this success, somehow. I put my arms around her in a tight hug. "I couldn't leave you behind. Nobody else I care about dies today. You don't get to trade your life for anyone elses."

I felt a strange feeling inside me, a sudden fatigue, sleepiness. I leaned back against the control saddle as my eyes started forcing themselves closed. "I guess… I overdid it..."

The last thing I saw before the darkness took me was the sky, changing from red to blue.


	33. Against the Dying Light

Chapter 31:  
Against the Dying Light  
"_Do not go gentle into that good night."_

My eyes opened to bright white light and nothing. A void without shape, without form. Without gravity or sound or sensation or direction. I knew what had happened in the time, in the _world_, before, but trying to remember it was like trying to remember a dream from long ago, like trying to grab fog or catch the wind.

The first sensation to return to me was one of an overwhelming warmth, of a _comfort. _I felt a sensation of tugging, urging me into a direction and into the distance, and I felt myself following it. Pulled along on a thread of hope and love towards whatever it was I was meant to find in this empty place.

The sense of time and form returned to me, I felt my legs under me, walking across the hard white floor, left and right, my bare feet on the warm for what felt like minutes, or maybe decades. I felt the heart beating in my chest, the breath in my lungs.

The thread pulled me harder and my feet pounded the ground as I fell into a run. I felt as though I was running for my life but I wasn't afraid, I was relieved. A smile fell onto my lips and wouldn't go away, and I didn't want it to.

I saw a mop of brown hair in the distance and I ran harder, I wasn't alone. I'd never be alone, I was safe now, loved, wanted. The hair got closer, its owner resolved into form. A woman, something about her…

I was close, feet or miles, I couldn't tell and it didn't matter. I saw her turning towards me, she was familiar, warm, a memory like a faded photograph and yet…

I reached out for her, and she reached out for me. Our fingers touched and my eyes opened wide. "Mother?"

The sound didn't come from my mouth, and I didn't hear it with my ears. It was a question that echoed through the void and was answered by her soul. I knew the answer in the instant the question had been asked, and I felt that thread of love and warmth pull tighter than it ever had, felt my heart race.

"_-elp!"_

I flinched, and she looked behind me and frowned. I couldn't look away from her, I needed to burn her face into my memory for all time. I'd finally found her, found my mother, I couldn't-

"_I need help!" _

I twitched and almost looked over my shoulder. My mother leaned down and kissed my forehead. I would stay here forever in this void with her if-

"_Damnit Rei, now would be a good time for some help!"_

Rei was my name. Rei Ikari. Had I forgotten? I finally turned my head and saw in the distance a hole, a window, a portal. I saw Asuka, the girl who I'd saved. She was asking for my help. She was in trouble, she was fighting for her life!

I felt the fire in my blood, felt my muscles tense and my head clearing of fog. I had a duty, didn't I? I had a responsibility… didn't I? I had to do the things that I could do, on behalf of the people who couldn't.

I turned back to my mother with fear and purpose, anxiety and dedication. Would she understand? Could I bear to leave so soon?

She looked to me with a smile and nodded, the unspoken 'I will always be with you' echoed in my soul and I knew that it would be okay. This place, I may never find my way here again, but somehow I knew that someday she might find her way back to me.

But I had somebody else to find my way back to.

Need gave way to action and my eyes opened, really opened, for the first time in I didn't know how long. Full sensation returned and I felt the warmth of the LCL against my skin, felt the control yokes in my hands, felt the fire in my blood.

"_Rei!"_

The voice reverberated through the entry plug and I knew the owner. Asuka! Once more into the fire, once more into the breach. I closed my eyes and felt the Evangelion, felt the straps and bindings restraining me into position as if I was crucified.

It was irrelevant, duty and need mattered more than any number of bindings that could be placed against me, and I snapped them with a mighty heave. Asuka needed me, now, just like then, whenever that had been.

I felt something pushing on the sphere of my perception, of my soul, and I reached upwards through my prison and grabbed onto it. Felt the heat and metal in my hands, and twisted, pulled, tore it asunder. I'd fought gods and won, this pale imitation could do nothing.

I felt the metal break apart in my hands and the influence pushing at my perception disappear, and give way to another more familiar feeling. Unit Two! Asuka! I could feel them both, so close to me, so very very close!

The memories came back to me, what I'd done, what had happened. The fight with the Angel and my rescue of Asuka. It had worked, she was alive, she was here!

I let go of the control yokes and leaned back against the seat in the entry plug, let my eyes drift closed, just for a minute. I felt like I hadn't slept in years.

xxx

My eyes snapped open again as I felt the jolt of some kind of impact. I felt myself accelerating upwards and backwards. The plug was being withdrawn. Would my father be there? Would Misato? After what I'd done, what I'd failed to tell her?

The LCL drained violently from the plug, as it had always done before, but it was only when that happened that I really appreciated how _stale_ it felt. In a moment I felt the plug lock into place and heard the hatch unlock.

They were opening the escape hatch instead of the the upper hatch? That was different. What had happened while I was out there?

I rolled out of the seat onto the floor of the plug and felt weak, but I pushed onward and found my strength soon returning. My canary yellow plugsuit gave me the traction against the slippery walls of the plug that I needed to reach the door.

I reached the edge of the hatch and started to pull myself through when another set of hands grabbed onto mine and pulled me out violently and dropped me unceremoniously to the hard metal decking. I blinked away the sudden brightness and rolled away as I saw a man coming at me with handcuffs.

Soldiers, there were soldiers. I kept rolling and pushed myself back up to my feet. My adrenaline went from zero to one hundred like a snap. I put my back to the side of the entry plug and scanned the room quickly.

Half a dozen armed men, some people that looked like they might be technicians or scientists. I didn't recognize the uniform at all. Had I been captured by hostile forces? The gun was still under the control saddle, I could never get there in time-

One of the men approached me again with the hand cuffs in his hand. I dropped to the ground and drove my fist upward as hard as I could into his groin and made him drop the handcuffs around the same time he doubled over to grab his injured manhood.

I wasn't about to be some asshole's fuck-trophy, or worse. I grabbed the handcuffs off the ground and withdrew back to the side of the entry plug, put my fist through the doubled up cuffs and held them like makeshift brass knuckles. I didn't have a real weapon but nobody sane would want to get hit in the face with this either.

The man I'd punched drew his sidearm and leveled it at me, I saw his finger twitch on the trigger and threw my left arm up defensively. It wouldn't stop a bullet but reflexes would not be denied. His gun fired and my eyes closed, but I wasn't hit.

An orange hexagonal field had flashed into existence between him and me. My heart was pounding out of my chest, my skin felt on fire, I felt ozone in the air. An AT field. Was this mine? My mind drifted momentarily back to when I'd rescued Asuka, the changes that had taken place.

I bit my bottom lip hard to keep my adrenaline flowing and pushed towards the soldiers, they were between me and the door. My AT field flickered with each bullet impact but nothing got through. The orange field reached the first soldier as I approached and he was pushed back, his boots skidding across the floor as he tried to hold me back.

I felt none of it.

The gunfire stopped and the men stood back from my AT field, let me pass through them. I neared the door and saw my AT field flicker, felt a tingling at the edge of my perception. I was being watched. My legs felt weak.

I saw Misato standing in the doorway. She looked different, older, but I would have recognized her after a million years. I would have recognized her after the world turned to ash and the stars burned out.

She walked towards me and my AT field faltered, fell. I didn't care, she was here. I stumbled, almost ran for her. We met in the middle, I put my arms around her and buried my face in her shoulder. She put her arms around me. "Misato, I-"

I felt a pricking sensation in my neck, and the handcuffs fell from my hand to the floor, and I followed them.

My back hit the ground and my head bounced off the decking. I saw Misato standing above me, leaning down, her eyes were as wet as her cheeks. Ayanami stood behind her, equally upset. What had happened? What had I done? I didn't understand, couldn't find the strength to voice my concerns, couldn't hold back the darkness that overtook me.

xxx

"Who are you?"

My eyes snapped open again. I looked up at the light, I was handcuffed to a chair. I saw an unfamiliar face in front of me. Short cut hair, around-

Akagi?

Behind her stood Ayanami, her red eyes piercing my very soul. I could taste the ozone on the air. I looked back to Akagi. "I'm Rei Ikari."

She looked at me with a strange expression, almost _pained_ expression. She licked her bottom lip and looked into my eyes, "Are you sure of that? Have you seen a mirror lately? I know Rei Ikari, and you..." She trailed off and made a gesture to somebody in a corner of the room I couldn't see against the bright light shining into my eyes.

She set a small folding mirror on the desk in front of me and pointed it at my face. White-blue hair, pale skin… and red eyes. The contours of my face were the same, it was the same shape, the same face… but the eyes, the skin, the hair. I looked like Ayanami, but not.

I looked down at myself, I was out of my plugsuit, in medical robes. My scar was gone, my arms matched, my skin was a uniform pale color. It _had_ happened, and that's why I wasn't believed. Rei Ikari couldn't project an AT field. Rei _Ayanami_ could. An _Angel_ could.

Could Asuka?

I looked back into Akagi's eyes. "This is what you were afraid would happen with Asuka, isn't it? After I pulled her from the plug."

She looked like she'd been slapped. What happened to Asuka? "Is Asuka okay? I saved her! I pulled her out!"

I felt panic rising, could I have failed? "She knocked Ayanami out of the way, she was taken, but I took her back! Right? Right!?"

The ozone smell got stronger, I felt my fists clenching, felt the armrests trying to give way to me.

"You did save her." I looked over to Ayanami, who had spoken now for the first time since I'd seen her again. "You took her from the heart of Zeurel's soul. You _are_ Rei Ikari."

I felt the calm returning to me, and I looked back to Akagi. Would that have satisfied her? She was close to Ayanami, or she used to be. Would she believe that girl?

"I believe you, but..." she trailed off and frowned, "It may have been better for you if you _had_ been something else. Time doesn't heal _all_ wounds."


	34. Pushing Back

Chapter 32:  
Pushing Back

"I did what I had to do, what I was made to do. You know I didn't have a choice." I muttered under my breath. Whatever it was I'd done, whatever it was Akagi was keeping from me, I hadn't had the choice. I never had a choice, had I?

Asuka was alive. I'd saved Misato when she'd jumped. I killed the Angels, I killed _people_ when I had to. It was a war that we couldn't afford to lose, and I refused to lose the people who were important to me either. They should understand that. _Anyone_ should understand that.

"Commander Becket wants to see you, in case you were wondering where we're going." Akagi offered in a strained, troubled version of what was apparently meant to pass for a conversational tone.

But then, that name rang a bell. Commander _Becket_? "Becket survived? I saw him take a missile, I didn't see a chute..."

Akagi remained silent for the final few steps to the end of the corridor, then pressed her hand against a touch sensitive plate. The door withdrew and she lead me into another room, one filled with circular glass windows. Portholes, leading to the red ocean outside. I was on a ship?

I scanned the perimeter of the room, there were control stations, with people sitting at them. People I didn't recognize, wearing uniforms I was unfamiliar with. I followed upwards from there and I saw-

"Misato?" I whispered. Somehow I couldn't bring myself to call out, to get her attention. Not after last time. She had felt betrayed that I hadn't told her, but I'd felt the same when she stabbed me in the neck.

But then, she wasn't why I was here, right? I was here to see Commander Becket. I'd been _requested_, but then the people with guns made it seem like compliance wasn't exactly optional. The ozone and tickling in the back of my throat also gave me the impression that I wouldn't be able to do much to fight back anyway.

At least they gave me some pants to wear. I couldn't remember the last time I'd worn anything other than a skirt or a plugsuit. Actual honest-to-god pants, an almost novel concept.

"So, it _is_ you, right?"

I recognized that voice, I'd heard it before, so many times. Each time I'd heard it speak, tragedy seemed to follow. I felt my hand curl into a fist, my knuckles cracked.

"You're looking a little pale, but that _is_ you."

I looked up, and she _had_ aged, more than Misato had. More than I would have thought. But answers weren't forthcoming, and I had other things on my mind.

"Gypsy Rose." It was an accusation as much as a statement, but I'd know that face anywhere, I'd recognize those eyes and that voice until the end of time, burned into my memory as they were.

"I haven't been called that in years. You can call me Commander Becket," she said as she stepped down the stairs leading to the command platform above. "This is my anti-Nerv organization: WILLE. Well, It's not _mine,_ it's a collective purpose, but for the moment you only have to understand that I'm the one who has the authority here."

I spit on the floor, felt the hair on my neck rising. "All I see are a bunch of traitors, Victoria. I had a purpose, I was going to save the world _despite_ you. I knew the score, but then you had to run your mouth and got your brother killed. Killed saving me when I was trying to fix what _you_ fucked up!"

She stopped and tilted her head, the smile that she'd been wearing fell from her lips, turned to what I might have almost thought was concern, if I hadn't known better. "Is that what you think happened?"

I shrugged and stepped forward, "Well, Asuka's alive isn't she? The world seems to still be a spinnin' so I must have done something right. Killed that Angel. But somehow I'm standing in front of _you_ and nobody is telling _me_ anything. So why _don't_ you tell me what happened, because I'd like to know how any of it isn't _your_ fault."

She stepped down to the ground level and I'd met her half way across the deck, my hand was ready to let fly with a right hook. Wouldn't be the first time I'd tried to hand her ass to her, but this time I wouldn't be stopped.

"You did save Asuka, but… Billions more, you didn't," she hesitated, swallowed hard. She was… upset? I felt my hand relaxing. "I put the gun in your hand, yes… You're not wrong about that, not at all. I put the gun in your hand, aimed at the head of the world, and _you_ pulled the trigger."

I relaxed my fist and stepped back, she was _older._ Misato had been older. Akagi was older too. Too much. I was thrown off by Ayanami, she was the same, and yet… "What happened? What… What year is it?"

"It's been fifteen years since the event-" Akagi explained from beside me before her voice faltered. "It's been fifteen years since the Third Impact, initiated by Unit One, was aborted."

"What?" I whispered, I felt the world closing in around my, my vision tunneling. It has been… That is what I had done? All I'd wanted-

"It ended because she was done. The Evangelion shut down when her purpose was completed."

I turned my head to the side quickly, Ayanami had said that. She'd been there, Asuka had saved her first, right? I remembered that. Had Unit Zero still been functional? Had she watched?

The holographic displays lining the room illuminated a warning pattern and an alarm suddenly sounded, piercing my concentration.

"Wave pattern detected. Decoys five and seven are lost. Pattern is blue! Target identified as 4-C. Nemesis series!" A girl sitting at what looked like a sensor station yelled out.

I felt a slight tremor through the decking and turned back towards the commander, "Angel attack?"

"No, Nerv," she answered me before turning towards the front of the room. "Get Ikari out of here. All hands to level one battle stations. We're gonna have to take this one on the chin."

"_Iowa_ and _Missouri_ have engaged the enemy. Estimating fifteen minutes until outer defenses are breached."

I felt a hand wrap around my upper arm and start pulling me towards the hatch, felt my hand clenching down into a fist. "If..." I muttered under my breath, unsure of what- No. I knew exactly what I _was_ sure of.

"Hey!" I yelled and jerked my arm out of the guard's grip. I stepped two steps closer to Victoria and turned to Misato. "Let me fight. That's what I'm good for, right? That's what I'm good _at. _Let me help!"

Misato opened her mouth, but was cut off by Victoria before she could speak. "You're offering to fight for WILLE?" the commander asked.

I spit on the floor and jerked my head towards Misato, "No, I'm offering to fight for Misato, Ayanami, and Asuka."

She seemed to consider my proposal for a second, then shook her head. "No, you're going into containment. We're not sending you out in an Evangelion. You'll never touch one again."

I clenched both hands into fists, felt my hair standing up on the back of my neck, tasted and smelled ozone. "Look, Victoria." I said, my voice cold. "I'm no longer asking your blessing. I'll do whatever it takes to protect the people I love. You know you'd do the exact same thing. It's been fifteen years: I'm older now than Yui Ikari ever got to be, I can make my own decisions."

I felt the familiar fire in my heart, the tingling in my body. Adrenaline, and maybe something else, something Angelic. Ayanami might understand, might be able to explain it but I didn't have the time to ask her. Wouldn't have stopped me anyway.

Misato put her hand on my shoulder. I hadn't noticed her approach, but I was grateful for the touch. "You can't pilot Eva, Rei."

I reached out to her, touched the side of her face. Even after fifteen years, she was the same. I was more different than she'd ever be, and yet, for a moment I let myself imagine we were back in that apartment, one last time. I licked my lips and took a step back.

"You know I don't need an Evangelion to be dangerous."

"I said no," Victoria stated firmly, her face twisted a little, she was getting angry.

And I didn't care, I wasn't going to take it, especially not from _her._ "I don't follow your orders. Either let me go or _put me down_. I'm not accepting anything else. I'm not going to just sit here and watch people die!"

She looked like she was going to slap me, but Misato turned to her and put her hand on the other woman's shoulder and shook her head. That was… interesting. Unexpected. I had more questions than ever, at that.

"Fine, go. Somebody get her over to the _Kitty Hawk_. In the meantime, get Asuka and Mari deployed." She ordered while turning away from me. I was no longer important.

Ayanami stepped up next to me and nodded her head towards the door, "I will accompany you into battle."

"Ayanami, you can't-"

She cut me off and I caught the slightest hint of a smirk. "As _you_ said, I am not asking."

xxx

The _Kitty Hawk_ looked like she'd seen better days. The years of combat since I'd last seen her had not been kind. Paint had peeled, rust had taken its place as the burdens of extended operation had exceeded what the surviving crew could keep up with.

Despite that, with my feet on her flight deck, I knew, could _feel_, that she wasn't done fighting yet. In the distance the six _Iowa_-class battleships barked out sixteen inch main battery fire in a continuous stream. In another time, I might have thought that it was cool.

But in the middle of this dead ocean, on this dead planet, fighting against what was supposed to be our salvation…

A man in a flag officer's uniform crossed the deck to greet us, and for a moment I saw a much younger man in his place. I felt the smile pull at the corner of my mouth. He'd made it, for that I was thankful.

"Clark?"

"I almost didn't believe them when they said you were back. You look different… but you seem the same. Come on, we don't have much time." He waved at us to follow him towards the fore end of the flight deck, and so we followed close behind.

"You don't seem as upset with me as others I've seen today," I commented from his side as the deck shook. The fighting was getting too close.

"Wasn't your fault. You were doing the best you could with what you had. I was listening on the radio that day, so I know why you did what you did. Wouldn't have done anything different myself." He admitted.

"Maybe avoid making the world worse, if I had a do-over," I muttered.

Ahead of us, locked into the catapult was something I'd seen only in memory, and something that should never have been seen on a carrier deck. A Mud Hen, an F-15 Strike Eagle. I licked my bottom lip and ran my hand along the edge of the wing, up to the side of the canopy.

Memories that weren't mine filled my head, but they were happy ones, and I smiled. "Where did you find this?"

"It was Victoria Becket's jet. She told us you would be needing it. We don't have as many pilots as we do machines anymore, so we can spare it, for you."

I ran my hand along the names stenciled under under the canopy edge. I knew this jet. In the other world, in that one from which my memories were borrowed, this was the last jet she'd ever flown. The one she died in.

I would endeavor to do better.

I turned back to Clark. "Can you get Ayanami some place safe?"

"Sure, we'll do what we can. I'll have the mess prepare something special for when you get back."

Ayanami pushed past me and shook her head, "No. I will accompany you."

She wasn't who she used to be, not the teenager I'd known anymore. She was still Ayanami, but she was an adult woman, despite what she might look like. She wouldn't be told no, not about this. I sighed. "Fine. Back seat."

I shrugged my shoulders, "Guess she's coming with me."

Hearing no reply, I looked over and saw that he still had that troubled look on his face that he'd had before, last time he'd seen me leave. "I'm sorry about… well everything that happened. I'm going to find a way to fix this. There's got to be a way."

"I don't doubt you will." He offered with a halfhearted smile and a shrug. An explosion lit up the horizon and the deck shook again. "That was the _Fitzgerald_. You should probably get going if that's what you really want."

"You know I have to."

He stared at me for a long moment, as though he might dispute my statement. "No, I think you're right. Do an old man a favor and try not to die, alright?"


	35. Giant Killer

Chapter 33:  
Giant Killer

I pressed my fingertip down on the main power disconnect and the MFDs lit up. Every inch, every scratch, every screw of the cockpit I sat in was familiar, like a long lost friend. It had felt like years, and been many more since, but the memories still felt fresh.

A time long ago, in another world, with another girl... But here and now, it still felt like home. The cockpit of a fighter jet was a place where I felt that I could truly make a difference, where I could accomplish my goals, save the girl, save the world.

Or so it felt like. I wouldn't have ended the world from the cockpit of a plane, but I did from an entry plug. That's what she'd said to me, what I'd done, the trigger I'd pulled…

But I saved Asuka, I killed the Angel. If I'd stayed in the P-38 and did what I could from there, would it really have turned out any better? No, I'd have died, everyone would have died. Maybe Mari could have gotten to Unit One in time, but would it have been any better?

Maybe Victoria was right, I shouldn't be allowed back into an Evangelion. That didn't mean I would sit by idly while other people did the fighting, not while I could do this. The start-up went by in what felt like moments, memory and reflex carried me through it without much attention paid. Soon the engines were both turning and my ears popped as the cockpit pressurized.

"You doing okay back there Ayanami?" I asked while looking up in the mirror. With the helmet and O2 masks on, we looked the same. Sisters.

"It is not my first time. I will be fine." She answered calmly. Always calm. "I've had fifteen years of practice, without Evangelion I had to find a new purpose."

That answered the question I would have likely eventually asked, I filed it away in the back of my mind. I tapped through the MFD and stopped, I had seen some weird fittings on the pylons earlier but the MFD readouts confused me even further. "Ayanami, would you explain what I'm seeing here on the armament screen?"

"Direct fire weapons have replaced air-to-air and air-to-ground ordnance. As the primary threat faced by WILLE is Evangelion, standard anti-fighter munitions are insufficient." She explained while doing _something_ in the back seat.

I toggled the armament selector over to the only two weapons systems being displayed and they seemed to activate in a 'pair' firing mode. That was certainly an interesting default. "So what _do_ we have?"

"We have a pair of twenty-seven millimeter fire-linked railguns. The remaining weapon stations are occupied by charging and energy storage devices. Each railgun is provided with ten rounds of Anti-AT Field Ammunition, after which we are unarmed."

"Oh." I answered with a dumb look on my face that she was thankfully unable to see. "Good to know."

I shook my head and pushed the throttles up and keyed up the radio, "Ikari ready to go, fire the catapult."

I pushed the throttle all the way into afterburner and a moment later we were both slammed back into our seats as the catapult fired. A second or two of intense acceleration was followed by the less extreme but still substantial acceleration provided by a pair of afterburning jet engines.

Cross flares in the distance told me that time was up. The fifteen minutes that had been quoted had been more than spent. The line had broken and ships were being sunk, men were dying and-

Off to our right, the ship we'd left from originally, the flagship that Victoria was aboard, lurched violently and suddenly upwards out of the water and issued a sound that was almost _agonized_. The ship itself had a skeletal form that was burdened by man-made structures and components all around, but looked, to me, like it was built upon the back of some sort of Angelic whale skeleton.

"What in the hell _is_ that thing?"

We didn't have enough airspeed yet to climb away, not as fast as I'd have wanted to. The noise it was making was drilling into my skull, rattling my teeth and my _soul_. I felt a _fear_ forced into my bones and I stepped hard into the left rudder, rolled the stick over to get the hell away from that _abomination. _Abomination; the word was forced into the front of my mind and I found it apt.

"It is our flagship, the _AAA Wunder_. It is our final offensive option against Nerv, to end the threat they represent to the world," Ayanami explained. Her voice sounded… strained, almost. There was a slight hitch at the end. Had she felt it too?

"It's… wrong, somehow." I said as I pushed for distance. The fear and revulsion started to fade with the distance, but even looking at the thing struck some deep chord in my heart. I had a feeling of powerlessness, insignificance. I needed Unit One and a fleet's worth of backup, and even then I might not feel safe.

"Yes."

My hands shook against the controls, I felt my entire body trembling as that soul-piercing sound got louder. Marionette strings made of light descended from the sky and latched themselves onto the naval fleet below, hoisted dozens of ships into the sky along with the _Wunder_.

I caught myself with my finger hovering over the button that would have jettisoned all of the external stores, dropped the cannons and the charging equipment into the ocean, so that I could run. Still, the airspeed kept climbing and I kept pulling away from that repulsive…_thing._

Shaking hands refused to pull the stick back towards the fight, even as the ship was attacked by ribbon-like foils, even when it fired cannons to attack the odd disk-shaped Evangelions. Their screams were… unsettling, but not equally so. They were more _familiar_ in some way.

"Ayanami I can't… I can't…"

I felt a hand reach up and grab me by the shoulder. In the mirror above I could see Ayanami had crawled halfway over her panel. "Ikari, you must calm down. This feeling is… not unexpected. You will not be harmed. You can overcome this."

"Ayanami, I don't think I can. I'm… afraid." My hand kept shaking, so hard that the jet was fluttering, shaking from the control inputs that I couldn't stop.

I felt her grip tighten. "Ikari, you have faced greater challenges than this. You are a giant killer."

A smiled tugged at the corner of my mouth and I pulled the throttle back down to half. Giant killer, I didn't hate the idea, it certainly had some similarities to reality anyway. "Been reading fairy tales, Ayanami?"

"I had to occupy my free time with something."

"Alright. Fair enough. Giant killer it is." I tightened my grip on the stick and stepped hard into the rudder, turning the jet back towards the _Wunder_, and come what may-

Something fast and orange and big as hell rocketed past the canopy. The jet shook violently in the wake turbulence and I hauled on the stick to try to correct. Ayanami's hand disappeared from my shoulder and I heard her helmet clank against the canopy.

"Ayanami get strapped back in! If we have to punch out you don't wanna leave the seat without a parachute!" I yelled back to her. There was a fight to be had, and I'd faced fear before. Fear had driven me into that viper cockpit so long ago, hadn't it?

I turned my head to the right to track whatever the hell had buzzed us and saw something that looked… different. Another Evangelion, much more conventional looking, but with a weird white ribbon-cape hanging from its back, and it was flying. The head was a little bit like unit zero, and the color scheme matched, but the robotic eyeball in the center of the head broke me of any illusions that it was the same unit.

And Ayanami was with _me._

"Ayanami are you okay back there?" I asked over my shoulder, or as close to over my shoulder as I could. The Evangelion's single cycloptic eye kept rolling back and forth between us and the _Wunder. _  
The same feeling of revulsion I felt towards the _Wunder_ was emanating from this new Evangelion as well.

"I am secure, Ikari. That Evangelion is not one of ours." She answered me. Her voice was disturbed, more than before. She was feeling the same thing, and she wasn't trying to calm me down this time.

I could think of no better way of curing that feeling of revulsion than to destroy the source of it. I was a giant killer, she'd said that much. I pushed the fire selector to the railguns and was rewarded with a green ready-to-fire status indicator and a CCIP readout on the heads up display.

I rolled hard to the right and pulled back, a maximum rate turn that bled a ton of airspeed, but then that was the point. The CCIP drifted over to that cycloptic eye and I mashed down the firing stud. The whole jet bucked with the recoil and I slid forward into my harness. Those things definitely packed a punch.

An instant later the Evangelion's head, north of the lower jaw, evaporated into a cloud of red mist… and nothing happened. That kind of damage would have knocked any Evangelion I'd ever seen out of a fight, maybe permanently. Pilot wouldn't have been doing a whole lot better, but this unit didn't even react.

In panic I stomped into the rudder and held the firing stud down, dumping the remaining eighteen rounds in raking fire across the Evangelion's chest. Each impact pockmarked the orange and white armor, but seemed to do no further damage after punching through. And then the indicators turned red. Ammo spent.

Very not good.

I slapped my hand down on the jettison stores button and every pylon on the jet dropped its payload, lightening up the plane substantially, and more importantly cleaning up the aerodynamics. I rolled the throttle up into afterburner and pulled back on the stick, angling away.

"Ikari to _Wunder_. I'm… having a bad day. Please send help." I called into the radio, hope for a miracle. The orange and white, now headless, Evangelion started moving again, towards me and tracking my movements.

That primal fear instinct kicked back in, and this time I knew I wouldn't be able to shake it. I'd fought Angels in a fighter jet, but they had something else to worry about, I wasn't their concern. This time I had an Evangelion that could fly after me.

I didn't feel like a giant killer.

I rolled towards _Wunder_ and kept the throttle wide open, if I could get around the thing and get closer to the ship, friendly forces might have an easier time at covering my escape, or my landing. The headless giant was tracking in at my lower quarter, cutting inside my turning circle to physically prohibit me from getting a clear line of approach on the ship.

So, so much for that idea.

I rolled into the inverted and then pushed the stick forward to nose over into a climb. The negative G forces were sure to give me a hell of a head rush but the unorthodox maneuver might throw the Eva pilot long enough for me to get to where I needed to go.

I rolled hard through a left spiral after the turn, but the headless Evangelion was right in front of me, hand outstretched as if it was going to pluck me from the air. I hauled back hard on the stick and felt the whole plane shudder and shake, and then there was a violent jolt as the fingertip scraped along the lower fuselage.

I had almost missed, so nearly close that the impact didn't destroy the jet outright, but the airframe started shaking violently and alarms started sounding in my ears. I still had control authority, but it was twitchy and the left engine was surging.

"Ayanami, I don't think we're gonna win this fight!" I yelled through the intercom channel. The MFDs in front of me shorted out, sparks started flying from the panel and sparked a fire. It was how that first Victoria had died, the one who'd never borne the name 'Becket'.

But I would endeavor to do better.

The fire started to lick at my flight suit and I screamed into the intercom, "Eject! Eject! Eject!" My hands gripped against the striped levers and I pulled hard, an instant later the canopy blew off the top of the aircraft and I felt my legs jerked out of the rudder wells and against the seat. It felt like my head was being driven down through my spine as the rocket motors launched me and my seat out of the jet.

It felt like I'd been hit by a truck when I entered the airstream. We hadn't been supersonic, but we weren't going slow when I'd pulled the loud handle and now I was feeling the full brunt of that. I tried to clear my head from the sudden shock of the ejection, tried to look around as the seat rotated so I could be sure Ayanami made it out.

I caught sight of her seat for a moment, and she was still attached to it, it had only been a few moments. I could see that she was okay, that she'd made it out. An instant later I felt my own seat collide with something before I had the chance to separate from it, and my head and helmet slammed back into the headrest, and I saw nothing more.


	36. Wayward

Chapter 34:  
Wayward

I felt cool air against the lower half of my face when I first woke. The smell and taste of LCL filled my mouth and nose a moment after and I felt a brief moment of nostalgia. Notes of machine oil and kerosene mixed with the lingering odor of spent rocket propellent and evoked the feeling of being in a place where _things get done_.

My eyes finally opened and I realized that despite being unceremoniously heaped upon a metal grate, I was still in my flight suit, still had my helmet on, and had the sun beating down on me, but not warming me as much as I might have expected.

I tried to sit up and my entire body gave a violent spasm and my muscles and joints burned in agony. The ride here must not have been a pleasant one, but then riding an ejection seat into an object never really ended well.

I felt around with my left hand while I remained lying supine on the grating. I should have had a survival pack strapped to me when I punched out, so I was trying to find the tether holding it to me. More grating, more grating, another hand?

My head rolled to the left as gently as I could manage and I saw Ayanami laying next to me. Her eyes were closed and her face was twisted up in a grimace. She clearly wasn't feeling much better than I was.

I squeezed her hand, then continued reaching down until I found the strap. I pulled it up slowly as to not agitate my sore muscles any more than I had to. I reached across my chest and grabbed onto the pack to hold it in place while I worked the zipper with my other hand. There wouldn't be much inside, some basic medical supplies, a couple days of MREs, and if Victoria hadn't removed it, a loaded pistol.

We were, for all I knew, deep behind enemy lines. With Ayanami with me, I wasn't going to take any chances. I'd feel better with hard cold steel in my hand than without it at any rate.

The sound of shoes clicking against the steel grating forced me into motion and I pushed myself up into a sitting position against the protesting of my body, at the same time I slid my hand into the opening of the survival pack and found my hand wrapped firmly around the grip of a forty-five caliber pistol. I'd have recognized the feeling of that handgrip anywhere, but not without help from a dead girl.

I pulled the pistol and held it up in front of me while my vision swam from the sudden movement. I'd suffered a head injury, that's why I'd blacked out. It made sense I wouldn't be all together there all at once.

But if they got close enough?

There were at least two people based on the sound of the steps, and I could make out that many through my blurry vision and the tinted helmet visor. I pushed myself forward and upward, onto shaky feet to put myself between Ayanami and whoever it was that was approaching.

I passed the pistol into my right hand and thumbed the safety off. I was half leaning, half holding myself up against a railing to my left, my hand wrapped firmly around it. I caught the rear sight of the pistol against the side of my flight suit and pushed down to rack the slide and make sure a round was chambered. The 'shink-click' sound was a comforting threat.

The figures approaching didn't slow, but did start to resolve into distinct shapes. I could make out colors, black on the right, white and black on the left. A girl on the right, probably in a plugsuit? The left looked more like normal clothing. The hair of the figure on the left looked like a grey-white, and the one on the right looked more like… like mine?

I felt the taste of ozone in the air, but it was different from when Ayanami used it, or when I used it. It felt more… _alien_. More like that surge of fear and adrenaline I felt when the _Wunder_ finally powered up. This was more subtle, restrained, reserved. I felt my finger twitch against the trigger without pulling it.

"Stay away from Ayanami!" I croaked out. I closed my left eye and raised the pistol in my hand. They were close enough now, I could see them both clearly, or clearly enough. It was a boy on the left, about my age, for whatever _that_ was worth. On the right was a girl who was the spitting image of Ayanami.

I blinked hard. Another one? Mine was still alive, so how did he…

"I promise I won't hurt you, Ikari. I've been looking forward to meeting you." The boy said in a soothing voice that seemed to reach the core of my soul and made me feel like everything was alright. But his eyes were red, his face pale. He was like me, which meant-

"Kaworu?" I asked softly, felt my voice trying to die in my throat. He was… real? Those memories were so very old, but he still stood out in them, pushed to the front of my mind when I saw his face.

His smile grew, turned into something genuine instead of the default expression on his face and he _laughed. "_You know my name? I had thought that you might. I had _hoped_ that you would, Ikari."

I lowered the gun and my eyes darted back and forth between Kaworu and _other_ Rei. Her existence was surprising, I wasn't sure what to do about that. She didn't seem very _human_ though. She was as though she was _actually_ what Ayanami had only faked being.

"Why are we here?"

He reached out to me, put his hand on my shoulder. The other Rei stepped past him to tend to Ayanami. I took a deep breath and he stared into my eyes like he was looking for something, some kind of understanding?

He frowned almost imperceptibly before his smile was back. "You have been gone a very, very long time, Ikari. Your father wanted to see you." He nodded towards the girl in the black plug suit, "So Rei went and retrieved you for him."

I shook my head. "She's _not_ Rei."

He laughed and shook his head, and his hand never left my shoulder. "No, she is most definitely Rei. She is not Ikari, nor is she Ayanami, but she is Rei all the same."

Behind me I heard Ayanami gasp. The other Rei had her half way up off the floor in her arms, and their eyes were locked. I could see the terror in her eyes, I could imagine her having nightmares about being replaced, I know I would, and she could just as well have been a surrogate for myself.

I dropped the gun to the grating and reached to grab onto Ayanami's hand. "It's alright. It'll be alright."

I felt her squeeze my hand and I turned my head to face Kaworu again. "Where is my father?"

He knelt in front of me and picked the gun up off the ground, then stood and stepped closer, almost as though he was moving in for a kiss. I heard a zipper unzip and a moment later felt him pressing the gun into my pocket.

He smiled his little smile and tilted his head in the direction behind him, "Come along this way."

xxx

Ayanami had spent the entire walk clinging to my arm, or nearly so. She had made certain to keep me between her and the other Rei the entire time, at the least. She was almost thirty years old but for that fifteen minute walk she was a child again, fearful and seeking protection.

I had to wonder what I counted as. I had truly only been fourteen years old back when I went into Unit One's core for fifteen years, but I had the memories of a dead twenty-eight year old woman jammed into my head.

How much of that counted? After fifteen years, was I twenty-nine or still just that little girl I had been?

But Ayanami was looking to _me_ to protect her from Other Rei. That was the strongest endorsement I could ever hope to receive.

Nerv headquarters hadn't aged as well as Ayanami had. Once familiar hallways had fallen into the disrepair of faded paint and cracked flooring, burnt out lights and broken tiles. Familiar but not. Even as a place that hadn't held happy memories, it drove home to me that you really _can't_ go home again.

You could travel back in space, but you could not travel back in time. What I would give to live yesterday again…

The door popped open with a wheezing hiss, long un-lubricated and having seen better days, much like the rest of the facility we'd seen so far. Fifteen years of not caring, or perhaps caring about something else instead. It hadn't mattered; to me it had been yesterday.

When he stepped from the doorway into the hallway I recognized him, for I could never have forgotten him, though with the way he'd aged I could have been forgiven if I had. Gray hair had replaced black, and his glasses had been replaced by a visor that was familiar in a way I couldn't quite put my finger on. His dress code had slackened, but still familiar.

"Father, I-"

He moved with a swiftness that I hadn't anticipated, and where I had expected a strike, what I received was something else entirely. A warmth, a nostalgic embrace, a _scent_ from my early childhood. His arms, strong despite age, wrapped around me and pulled me tight into a hug. It was an unexpected affection, but as his hands rubbed my back, I put my own around him.

Maybe, just maybe, you _can_ go home again, just for a brief visit.

"I have missed you both so much. There are so many things I want to share with you, with both of you!" He said as he pulled away from me. His manner was animated, almost cheerful. I wasn't used to seeing him like this, hadn't seen him like this since… ever?

"You… what?" I spluttered out. "Why did you attack if you're so happy to see us now?" The accusation came out before I could stop it, regardless of the consequences. Mouth before brain.

He turned to Ayanami and hugged her as well, her own shock stopped her from protesting, though her cheeks did tint. Finally, he pulled away from her as well and turned back to me.

"I just needed to delay them. I am… working for something important, something that will benefit everyone. They wouldn't understand. They _refused_ to understand..." He trailed off, his face turning red. He was agitated, angry. I could see his fist clenching.

Maybe we weren't so different.

"What have you done?" Ayanami _accused_ and took a step towards him. Gone was the scared girl that had been clinging to my arm, the _fierce_ Ayanami had taken her place. "You have made this… this thing, this other _me_. What have you planned?"

"It's… not like that. You were gone. Both of you were gone. Kaworu had come, but he alone was not enough. It doesn't matter. What is done is done, but with your help, with all four of you, I will be able to… un-ring the bell." The corner of his mouth curled up into a smirk as he said the last part. Always with a plan, old man?

"With the use of the Cassius Lance and Eva Thirteen you will be able to repair the damage done to this world, Ikari." Kaworu said softly in my ear, his hand gently pressed to the small of my back, his other on my right wrist. "Undo what happened fifteen years ago, and fifteen years before that. Bring back a world like the one you _remember_."

I felt the hair on the back of my neck stand up. The world I remembered? Did he mean what I'd had pushed into my head? What did he know? He was getting entirely too intimate with me in any case. I pulled away from him. "What?"

"You are going to control the awakening of an Evangelion in order to direct an impact of your own design." Ayanami said suddenly, flatly. She would have known, wouldn't she. At least, enough to explain it in a way I would understand.

"Will that work?" I asked, still edging my distance from Kaworu. Something about his touches triggered a fear in me, even though I knew he wouldn't force himself on me. It seemed like that it was his way, that he lacked taboos, but…

"It could work." Ayanami admitted. She almost seemed to be considering it.

"It will work." Father said simply, his voice was not cold but at the same time the tone he used left no room for doubt.

"Then..." I trailed off, looked between the girl who was the closest thing to a sister I could have ever had, and the girl who looked just like her and was nothing like her at all. My eyes drifted to the red eyed boy with no boundaries, and finally back to my father. "I'm in. What do I need to do?"

"We will use the dual entry system and pilot Eva Thirteen together, and-" Kaworu started before Ayanami cut in.

"No, _I _will pilot with Ikari."


	37. The Midnight Hour

Chapter 35:  
The Midnight Hour

It was comforting, in a way, how Ikari had not changed from her time in Unit One. She had become more like me, she had changed on a biological and particulate level, but her personality, her drive, had remained intact. We had spent fifteen years looking for her, trying to recover her, trying to bring Unit One back.

We had fifteen years to be afraid of what we would find when we succeeded. Fifteen years for resentment and fear to ferment. Fifteen years for Katsuragi to grieve and doubt, to second guess and, when it had finally come down to a decision, she'd ceded her command.

Ikari was not really to blame. She couldn't have known. _I _hadn't known, but I should have. That was what I had been born for. On that day, my purpose had been lost. Ikari had done something different, something unexpected. I wanted to blame Commander Becket. I wouldn't have been wrong to blame her, but everything that had happened was bigger than the decisions of any one person.

I felt a responsibility to her. She was my burden and my bond. We were the first to fight, and we'd fought together. She'd risked herself for me, and I for her. But then, she'd recklessly thrown herself into danger as well. She had fought against Angels without an Evangelion, because she had something in her heart that made her do it.

Too much of her father? Perhaps too much of her mother; I had felt those urges before but I hadn't had the ability or force of will to act on them.

For all the ways Ikari had not changed, I believed that I _had. _When given the choice, I had departed Nerv. I had abandoned Commander Ikari, and Unit Zero. I had left my purpose to find another one with Akagi.

I didn't have the drive or the single minded force of purpose that Ikari seemed to possess, but she had shaped me more than I had at the time known.

But she had not changed, and I was fifteen years older and wiser.

The locker room had not changed in my absence. Of the areas of the facility that I had seen, this was the area that had been maintained the most. My plugsuit was where I had left it after the end of that final fight. I hadn't set foot in an entry plug since.

I had made a decision that I would no longer pilot, and I had kept to that decision. It had been a solidification of my resolve to find a new purpose, one distinct from the one that had originally been decided for me.

I pressed the switch down on my wrist and the suit constricted to my skin and conformed to every curve of my body. The white plugsuit was as familiar as the last time I'd seen it. A long forgotten friend, come back one last time to visit before the end.

I felt a deep certainty that no matter how this day ended, I would never wear a plugsuit or pilot an Evangelion again. If this day went the way it was supposed to, there would never be a need to do so again.

Commander Becket would have had me shot for what I was about to do. Katsuragi would have pulled the trigger to do it. But Ikari had made up her mind, and I had to be there for her, to help her, to make sure she was safe.

The world was on borrowed time anyway. Akagi could see it, I could see it. Commander Ikari could see it too, but he had seen it for far longer than any of us had. There was no future in this world, no matter how it turned out between Nerv and WILLE. The planet was too far gone, too many dead.

The _duplicate_ followed me out of the locker room. I felt a sense of confusion from her, an uncertainty of purpose. I had feared she was meant to replace me, even here and now, but having been able to calm myself in her presence... she was more _lost_ than any of us.

I would try not to think about it. The cages were not far, and no matter how many years had gone by I would never forget the way.

Ikari walked along to my left, clad in a spare of my own plugsuit. We were close enough that it had fit as well as her own, though she differed in that she had refused to be disarmed and had strapped the pistol that Nagisa had given back to her to her upper thigh.

I was burdened by the thought that she might have had the right idea in doing so. Even though a large part of me wanted to believe Commander Ikari, to take everything he said at face value, to once again fall into a routine where he was fond of me and I of him...

My true purpose was to ensure the survival and success of Rei Ikari. Commander Ikari's first Rei. I was the second, and the third. Perhaps he had named me that because he could not fully let go of his real daughter. Perhaps he had named the duplicate because he could not let go of me.

The part of me that was still loyal to him, the part that begged me to obey him, demanded that I protect Rei Ikari. It was not difficult for me to listen to _that_ voice. I would follow her to the end of the earth, and it wasn't unlikely that I would.

The cages were as I remembered them, though worse for wear. The roof was largely destroyed, and the sunlight trickled in through myriad gaps in the torn steel plating. Unit Zero stood closest to us, looking as clean and shiny as the day I first laid eyes upon it, and a wave of nostalgia washed over me.

It was obsolete, even back then. Always the weakest of the first three, the slowest, the one with the most flaws and malfunctions. He'd kept it, repaired it. Had it been waiting for me, or was it Commander Ikari's own nostalgia that had made him keep it, his inability to let go?

I tore my eyes away and beyond that was Eva Thirteen. It looked the same at first glance as Unit One had so many years ago, but different in ways that became apparent the longer I kept my eyes on it. I felt a discomfort when I looked at it, but given what we were going to try to do I felt that it was to be expected.

Beyond lay what I had come to know as the Mark Nine. Where it had once been a pale imitation of my own Unit Zero, it now lay as a headless reminder of what Rei Ikari could do. Still, it had remained active and had brought us here.

And it felt wrong. Wrong in a way that I had only ever felt once before. When I was a much younger child at the south pole with Commander Ikari.

"It is good that you're ready. We can begin now. I will take the Mark Nine, the two of you will board Thirteen." Nagisa explained. He had been waiting for us. His smile was disarming and disquieting at the same time, as though he was not completely familiar with wearing it. I knew he was like me though, but not the same... source.

"What of the duplicate?" I asked. I found myself unsettlingly concerned about her. A surrogate for concern for myself, or maybe I was growing to be empathetic towards her.

"Are we bringing Other Rei with us on this adventure?" Ikari asked. Her eyebrows raised and her mouth twisted into a smirk. Of all the ways in which we were the same, now almost identical, she had a more natural way of behaving than I had ever perfected. I envied her that.

"I am afraid her purpose is now at an end. She will be here when we get back, have no worries about that!" He laughed, the practiced, forced laughter of someone who understands the emotion but not quite the expression of it. I understood that all too well.

"The sooner we begin, the sooner it will be done." I offered, and raised my arm towards the entry plug gantry. The sooner we begin, the sooner I will never have to see an Evangelion again.

"And right you are. Let us begin."

xxx

The LCL was every bit as I remembered it, a warm and calming embrace, the way a fetus must feel while in the womb. I had not realized how much I had missed it and the comfort it brought. I had been born in it, born from it. It was the dust to which I would someday return.

"Eva Thirteen is descending through the main shaft, fifty eight meters till the seal." I announced flatly. I had been here when this was formed. The closest to total annihilation we'd ever come and I almost couldn't see the point in having tried.

"_The two of you will be able to break the seal together once Eva Thirteen reaches the surface. We have almost done it." _Nagisa answered through the link between ourselves and the Mark Nine.

"Yeah, we're the wonder twins. I get it." Ikari replied from beside me. Two different entry plugs, and yet I felt like I could just reach out and grab her by the hand.

Our feet touched the obsidian plug at the bottom of the main shaft with a subtle vibration and I closed my eyes and opened myself up to the Evangelion. I felt the link of synchronization strengthen between the Evangelion, Ikari, and myself. The seal shook for a moment, and then collapsed from below us.

Our descent resumed and Terminal Dogma came into view. The place of my birth, or, perhaps the place of my conception. The cross had fallen, skulls littered the landscape, and Lilith-

"What in the _fuck_ happened down here?" Ikari blurted in obvious surprise.

"_This is where the world almost ended. The autonomous Mark Six was sent in to subdue the Twelfth Angel and succeeded, but the Cassius spear was lost. That is what we are here to recover."_

Skulls were crushed underfoot when we finally reached the floor of the chamber. No time was wasted and I pushed forward towards the desiccated form of Lilith, towards the spears. I was uncomfortable, the sooner we were able to leave, the sooner I would never have to be in this place again. Never have to see _her_ like this again.

"Mother?"

Ikari's voice was little more than a whisper and I felt my blood run cold. I turned to look at her, afraid of what I might see, where she might be looking. Was she truly the same as me now? Had everything been robbed from her when she was changed?

She was looking _upward_ through the top of the plug, up towards the main shaft. She wasn't talking to Lilith? That could have only meant that _Wunder_ had arrived, and Ikari had sensed Unit One.

There was no time left.

I pushed the sticks forward and pushed Thirteen into a running leap onto the back of what had once been the progenitor of all mankind. Behind me I heard and saw the flashes of cannonfire. Unit Eight had arrived, Unit Two wouldn't be far behind. The part of me loyal to_ both_ Ikaris knew I had to be swift.

"_What are you doing?! Stop!" _I heard through the open link. Shikinami's voice. She would have come to stop us, but Commander Ikari had to be right, this had to be the solution.

"Asuka!?" Ikari yelled, "Asuka! We're going to put it all back, I'm going to fix what I broke when I saved you!"

"_Ikari? It doesn't work like that! You can't just un-ring the bell like that! You don't know what you're doing!" _

Unit Two started running for us, but the Mark Nine intercepted it, blocked her advance with the massive red scythe and then pushed her back, further from the center of the chamber.

If Nagisa could hold her back, we would be able to finish our mission.

I felt a sudden calmness overtake me, an acceptance of fate. I had to surrender to hope, because there was nothing else left in this world, for anyone. The only chance there was for any future was to do this.

"But I do." I said, then reached out and grabbed onto each lance. A second set of arms unfolded from Eva Thirteen's chest and grabbed the lances and together we pulled them free. We had the power in our hands to reshape the world, as Commander Ikari had said.

"_I have lost control of the Mark Nine. Dummy plug override. Ayanami, Ikari, something has gone wrong!"_

"What?" I turned and the Eva turned with me. Mark Nine was standing still, turned toward us as if watching, even without a head.

Below us, Lilith violently returned to LCL, and we fell into the lake below. In front of and below us the freed form of the Mark Six twisted and spun as if writhing in agony. The displays in the plug lit up that a blue pattern had been detected. The Twelfth Angel had not perished, it was in front of us now.

"We've failed?" I turned to Ikari, her head was in her hands, I could see tears dissolving into LCL. Her hopes had been shattered, like my own.

Mark Nine ran past us carrying the scythe weapon it had brought with it down into Terminal Dogma and cleaved the head from the stricken Mark Six. The Angel poured from the wound in the form that looked like a bundle of graphite threads, twisting and turning upon themselves as they enveloped and trapped us inside.

The Evangelion started to shake, at first it seemed to be due to the Angel but... it felt different. This came from us, I felt it through the link to the Evangelion, through the link to Ikari. It was a trembling of restrained power.

"Your job isn't done till you're on the ground. No matter what happens in the air, you keep trying, you keep flying the plane until you're on the ground." She said softly, as though she was trying to convince herself, or maybe convince me.

"Ikari?"

"Ayanami, we're not done yet! If we're still alive we can still fight. If we can still fight we can still kill! Let's do it!"

I felt something change in the Evangelion, it was moving again, drawing the Angel in, compressing it, shaping it. Forcing it into conformity.

Because Ikari could, because she'd done it before. I'd seen it then, when she'd saved Asuka. The graphite threads condensed into a red angelic core and the open, screaming mouth of Eva Thirteen bit through it, shattered it into oblivion.

I had to cover my eyes to shield from the light, and we were moving upwards. We cleared the main shaft in moments, passed through Central Dogma and were in the sky, glowing bright as a white hot star.

High above the sky turned to red and a hole opened in it, the Chamber of Guf had opened. Above us, a mirror of the world floated in the void. The world below shook and broke apart, the remnants of third impact were drawn towards the portal as the black moon rose from the earth.

"Ikari! This... This is the Fourth Impact." I found the energy to yell had left me. The brief flicker of hope that we had, had been extinguished. Thirteen had awakened, and killing the Angel had been the catalyst. The lance we needed was lost to us, had this been Commander Ikari's plan the entire time?

I heard the sound of metal on metal to my left, through the link I had with Ikari's plug. I turned to face her and froze.

"I do have a way of stopping it," she said to me. "If I had done it before, if I hadn't been afraid, I could have stopped any of this from happening. I'm sorry I dragged you into it, and I'm sorry I made it worse. Tell Victoria she was right, and tell Misato I love her."

She had taken the gun from earlier from her side, she'd pressed it against her head, and she'd pulled the trigger. Nothing I could do could have stopped her, but I still felt like I was somehow responsible.

I felt the synchronization falter, and then break. I could not open myself to the Evangelion, not after what I'd just seen, what I'd felt. I needed to turn off the monitors, I needed to shield myself from what I had seen, but I could not bring myself to do either.

"_Ayanami. I have boarded Unit Zero. I feel... there is something that I should do, but I do not know what that is." _

I looked over, the Duplicate had opened communications? Too little, too late. But Mark Nine was still out of control, wasn't it? I could not help anyone.

Ikari lay dead because of the impulsive actions I had made in removing the spears...

"Ikari would fight."


	38. Absolution

Chapter 36:  
Absolution

I hadn't died immediately. The sensation of having a bullet driven through your brain was not a pleasant one, nor particularly unpleasant. The feeling of having your thoughts disconnect and lose form while your awareness bleeds into the aether is one that... well, not one I was eager to repeat.

But I suspected that I probably wouldn't have the opportunity for such things in the future. The place I found myself, once I had finally died, was a lot like my father's office. If this was my own personal afterlife I couldn't be sure if it was heaven or hell. Maybe I was doomed to limbo for eternity.

"You took long enough to get here."

The voice triggered something in my memory, some kind of familiarity, a familial link even. "Well, I was just dying to meet you, you know how it is." I called out to the unidentified voice. Masculine though, about my own age, not _too_ adult sounding.

"You did have to die to meet me, that's the second time isn't it? First time for this soul sure, but the second memory. Was it better the second go round?"

I turned around to look for the voice and saw a mirror. I was my old self again, that young girl. Undyed hair and brown eyes, normal skin-tone, back in my old school uniform with the yellow vest. "It wasn't great either time, but when it has to happen, it has to happen, right?"

"Or when it's made to happen."

I turned sharply and caught sight of him. My height, a slim build. Those eyes... I could have sworn I had seen him before, almost... in... the... mirror?

"Give it a moment, I'm sure you'll figure it out." He said with a wry grin. It looked creepy on his face.

"What do you want with me?"

"I want you to do everything you've already done, Rei. I needed you to do those things because I couldn't do them." He leaned casually against the edge of my father's desk.

"So you've been controlling me?" I accused, I took a step towards him. If he thought that he could manipulate me, I had a right hook for him.

"Nothing that crude. I just... granted your wish. The other Rei Ikaris never made it as far as you. They never even made it to Unit Three, either having died... or worse. More than a few became some high ranking official's personal concubine... but then you would know, wouldn't you? You were different, but only because I granted your wish." He explained, continuing to talk in a conversational tone as if he hadn't completely changed the course of my existence.

"Oh, is that the only thing then? Why?" I demanded. I stepped closer to him, then found myself ten feet away from him in the blink of an eye.

"Because our father would only truly open up to his daughter, and his daughter would never survive as long as I did. I had to make one of them stronger, strong enough to make it to the end, so that they would keep Ayanami and Asuka and Misato alive. You did that for me, Rei. You kept Asuka alive, even killing the world in the process, you did what I needed you to do, puppet."

"You're a bastard, Shinji Ikari." I spit on the floor. Maybe it wasn't real, but he was... reprehensible.

He shook his head and his lip pulled back, the rage _I_ had felt when I had seen Asuka taken was mirrored on his face. "Maybe. I watched them all die though. Arael killed Asuka's soul, and the mass production units killed her body. Ayanami was killed by Armisael and again by my own indecision... but I became god because of it, so I guess everything worked out in the end didn't It?

"But then I was the only one so lucky. I was the only Shinji Ikari to ever _finish the game_ and even then I couldn't save them! No Shinji ever could, no matter what changes I was able to make, no matter what manipulations I put in place! My father's son and I couldn't even manage that much!

"You! You were different! Father could love you, he could show it without being afraid. You could be enough like mother for him to feel nostalgic, but different enough not to torture him. You could be someone he could love, someone he'd change the _plan_ for."

He seemed to calm down, having burnt out his energy in his rage. He sat down on the floor next to the desk. "I watched Ayanami and Asuka, Misato, Mari, Mana, I watched them all die. Hundreds of times, thousands of times, I watched them die in screaming agony and I could not stop it. Each iteration I watched I loved them again as I did the first time, and every time it ended with their deaths.

"You were my pawn who would topple the queen and take the board. You gave me the opportunity to ensure that just once I would be able to make sure they didn't die, that they could live a full life far away from the worries of war. That's why I killed Victoria and gave you her memories. I have influence on all worlds touched by Lilith, some more than others, but yours and hers most of all."

"Well, I caused Fourth Impact and killed the planet. There's nothing left for them to have a happy ending in. I'm sorry that I couldn't save them, but I'm sorry for them, not for you," I spat at him. No matter his motivations, even if he was powerful, it didn't justify the pain he'd caused by my hand. It could have been better if I hadn't survived as long as I did, and maybe it wouldn't, but that wasn't up to him.

"You don't know _what_ you did, but I do. And you did just fine."

"Well, I'm dead now, so it's not like I'll get to see it."

He smirked at me and waved his hand dismissively. "Your father wouldn't let go of you that easily, puppet. You'll be there soon, _puppet_. Tell Kaworu I said hello."

I looked down at my hand, clenched it into a fist and relaxed it. Took a deep breath and released. One, two, three, four...

Hell with it.

I swung a right hook against the side of his face, god or not I wouldn't let it go. I was already dead, right? "No-"

xxx

"There are no strings on me."

The words left my mouth as the world snapped into brilliant focus. I was standing, then I was falling, down to my knees. I hit the floor painfully and retched, LCL poured from my mouth and nose, my lungs and stomach emptying themselves of the substance as I tried catch my bearings.

My body felt... weaker, but lighter. A certain _je ne sais quoi_ about it. I felt... fresh. The skin on my hands felt softer and smoother than I had ever remembered it being, either before or after my change. The tone was paler, like it had never seen natural light.

I felt a hand reaching under my armpit and lifting me to my feet. Strong masculine hands, hands that had seen work, hands that were...

I blinked hard against the light and looked up to who was helping me. I had seen him not so long ago, but I had felt like a lifetime. I _had_ died... and then I wasn't dead anymore after all? "Father."

The assistance to my feet turned into a fully body hug. He lifted me off my feet and squeezed me so tight I thought I might die. He looked as though he hadn't slept in months, his hair was a mess, his visor absent and I could see his eyes, his unkempt facial hair. "Father..?"

"I thought I had lost you the way I lost your mother... I... I couldn't leave it like that. I had to bring you back!" He half-yelled. His voice was shaking as though he was on the edge of a nervous breakdown, as though he'd been powering through on applied pharmacology and willpower.

He finally released me and I was able to sit down on a stool next to the tube I'd been flushed out of. I was in some room in Nerv, the facility was still run down, trashed, but the equipment itself looked new. I was cold, naked, but alive. My father was beside himself at his success.

I heard rapid footsteps coming down the hall and the door was knocked open so hard it nearly left the hinges, an Ayanami that likewise looked like she hadn't slept for months rushed through the door. Her hair was matted, she was panting, and she locked eyes with me.

I swallowed hard. I remembered everything, I knew what I had done in front of her, what she'd had to see. I gave a half shrug and waved my hand "Ayanami, uh, hi?"

She crossed the span of five meters almost before I could blink, and her hand struck the side of my face with a ferocity I had deserved, if not expected. Her followup was a hug that nearly knocked me to the ground.

"I hate to push this on you as quickly as I must... but you were successful in doing what needed to be done with Eva Thirteen. We did not save _this_ world, but we did get an outcome that... well, we were able to save who was left." My father explained as he crouched next to me and put his arm around my shoulders.

"Push what on me? What's going on?" He sounded like he was writing a suicide note, not welcoming me back from the beyond. Ayanami had gone silent as well. "What aren't you telling me?"

"We have to leave. We're going to a place that is... better," Ayanami explained. "The _Wunder_ has already left with everyone who was still alive. I stayed behind for you... but time is running out. We must leave soon if we are to meet up with them." She seemed... fidgety, not something I expected from Ayanami.

"I hate to ask you this so soon after you've woken up, and I wish I could spend years here with you, but you can't stay. Do you think you can pilot?" My father asked me. His eyes were pleading, a genuine concern for me. He _had_ brought me back from the dead. He could have left without doing that, right?

"I think you're fresh out of Evangelions," I joked with a nervous laugh. Wasn't this supposed to be the part with the happy ending? We did it, that's what he said right?

I couldn't help but think of the conversation I had had in that other place, when I was dead. Was this more of Shinji's puppeteering? Were my strings being pulled even now? I supposed that it didn't matter even if I was his marionette, I still had to keep going didn't I?

"You won't need an Evangelion."

xxx

Back in the locker room again, I had no idea how long it had been since the last time I'd been there. Days or weeks? Months? Years? The canary-yellow flight suit I'd worn years ago was cleaned and pressed and waiting for me. I supposed it didn't matter if I was really up to the task, since it lay before me and needed to be completed.

"So Ayanami, got anyone _special_ waiting for you back with WILLE?" I probed conversationally. Chances to just sit and talk had been few and far between for us, but she'd stayed here and waited for me, so... I may as well try.

"What? That is... That is none of your concern, Ikari!" She protested with a blush on her cheeks. A reaction? I must proceed.

"I'll take that as a yes then. I didn't know you had it in you, Ayanami." I teased as I pulled the flightsuit up my legs.

"Ikari, I am twenty nine years old. I am _not_ without experience in the matters of the heart," she protested. She was less off guard than she was when I had first asked, and her tone of voice had slipped back into what I thought of as 'Ayanami-normal'

"Ah-hah! So you _have_ had it in you." I shot back with a maniac cackle. A moment later an interface headset bounced off the side of my head and into a locker.

"That is not what I meant!" She yelled back while trying to maintain a look of cold fury... which slowly cracked into a smile and a soft chuckle. "Well... Maybe."

I pulled the zipper up on the flight suit and rolled my shoulders around to settle the fabric out. "So who's the lucky guy... or girl?"

"Aida." She said simply and turned back to the locker, her cheeks had turned redder.

"Well, then I'm happy for you. He's a great guy, or he was when I knew him. You deserve someone like him."

She nodded and continued to load items from her locker into a green duffel. She seemed anxious, more than I was. And I'd just talked to... whoever that was. God?

Was that even real? It almost had to be, but then he hadn't said anything to me that I couldn't have dreamed up on my own. What was death really anyway? Was it just a hallucination caused by having my soul jammed back into a body, or was it something more tangible than that?

He claimed to have killed people and driven this world to the edge just to save those three girls... Of course, I'd nearly ended the world just to save one, even if I didn't know it at the time. I could try to forget, try to not think about it.

It had been working so far, hadn't it? Ayanami bonding time was as good a way as any to avoid thinking about the _theological_ implications. Maybe in some other universe Shinji Ikari had become a god, but then for a few minutes fifteen years ago, so did I. Was it really so hard to believe?

"He's the hero I should have been."

"What?"

I licked my lip and looked at Ayanami, "Aida. He's the hero I should have been. He helped me before my last fight in Unit One. The P-38 was his idea, and he got in a fight to make sure I'd make it there in time. Gave me the inspirational speech and everything. I think if we'd had him on our side from the beginning, had his moral code, we might have done better."

She leaned against the locker and looked up at the cracked tiles in the ceiling. "You may be right, but are you sure you're not just trying to put yourself down? Everything that has happened has always been larger than the decisions of any one person. Do you really think he would have saved us from what happened?"

God Shinji hadn't thought so, that was my purpose, wasn't it? But maybe I couldn't accept that.

"Maybe. The right man in the right place could make all the difference in the world. I regret not knowing him better when I had the chance."

"You still can. He's waiting for me, for us, we'll all be together again soon."

I sighed and closed the locker. "But will he still want to see me, after everything I've done?"

She put her hand on my shoulder and squeezed. "I'm inclined to believe he is everything you've said he is. So, yes, I'm certain of it." She smiled.

The ground shook gently under us. Almost like how it felt when an Eva catapult was fired. Ayanami frowned and turned for the door. "It's happening faster than I thought. We have to leave now."

xxx

"We had only finished it after you'd gone, but I knew you would be back some day. I had them finish it. I've had it waiting for you, for this moment."

I looked up at my father's face, his hand was on my shoulder. I'd recognized the place. This was the R&amp;D hanger that the Viper Zero had been stored in, torn apart in. "So that's how we're leaving? What about you?"

The Viper had never looked better, it spoke to me in a way that no other aircraft had before. Something about it seemed so elegant, especially with the new white paint and the new lines of the air-frame. The extent of what had been done to it I didn't know, and I felt like he probably didn't have the time to explain.

"I have to stay, there are things still to be done here. I am afraid this may be the last time we see one another. There's no way back to here once you leave, not to where you're going," he said sadly. I felt his hand tighten up on my shoulder, "But that is something I have accepted. It only has two seats and both of my daughters deserve this chance."

I turned to look straight ahead at the plane as we crossed the hanger decking. The basic shape was the same as it had always been, but some of the angles were more aggressive, the control surfaces larger in some cases. Conformal fuel tanks straddled the spine, and a pair of large-capacity cargo pods sat under the wings, a drop tank sat under the centerline.

It was kitted up to flee, not to fight.

"We will not waste this gift." Ayanami said softly as she turned to look at _our_ father.

I ran my hand along the edge of the canopy and choked back the tears that started to come. Everything had come so fast. I had finally come to a point in my life where my father could be open to me, and I was going to lose him. If not to this, I'd have lost him to age, while it seemed that I might life forever...

The ground shook slightly and my father's face turned to something resembling panic. "Leave, now! I'll make sure you get to where you're going, that is my penance for my part in killing this world. More than that, it is a father's duty to ensure his children have a future. Go!"

He grabbed me with a strength I didn't know he had and hoisted me up over the edge of the cockpit and I tumbled into the seat on top of my helmet. A brief struggle later I had it out from under me and on top of my head.

I saluted my father as he stepped backwards away from the plane. I knew enough about sacrifice that I wouldn't let someone waste one when it was right in front of me. I felt the jet shake slightly when Ayanami dropped into the seat behind me.

I reached forward and slapped the toggle to close and lock the canopy, then toggled the main power disconnect. The HUD and MFDs lit up quickly. Where the Mudhen had been a hodgepodge, everything about this fighter screamed state of the art.

I kicked over the jet fuel starter and the engine under us spun up rapidly. The radio crackled to life in my ear through the helmet speakers.

"_Rei, Ayanami will help you from here. I'm opening the doors now. If you leave at full power you'll be fine. Make me proud of you."_

The link died before I could reply, perhaps he couldn't bear to hear it. I couldn't bear to feel it, the tears flowed down my face. Loss and survival all at once, so many changes so fast and no chance to catch up with them.

I bit my lip hard just to make sure I was still awake and this wasn't a nightmare I couldn't wake up from. I clenched my fist tight around the stick and throttle. I was not a puppet, there were no strings on me!

This was for me. This was for my father. This was for Ayanami. I wouldn't let any of them down, that was enough of a reason, right? That was enough of a goal. Survive because I've been told to survive, because that was their wish.

I released the wheel brakes and flipped the switch to inboard. "Ayanami, we're going out now."

I rolled the stick in my hand and watched in the canopy mirrors as the control surfaces responded instantly. That would be fine. I rolled the throttle forward to the lock all at once when the wall in front of us fell away and the wide open sky greeted us beyond.

I was pressed hard into the seat as the engine launched the jet forward at a rate I had previously never experienced out of anything I'd ever flown. We cleared the floor of the hanger and fell into open sky in only moments. I remembered to retract the landing gear as the airspeed indicator shot past eight hundred. I rolled the throttle back and turned into a shallow left arc.

We had lift.

"Where are we going, Ayanami?" I asked, looking up in the mirror to see her behind me.

"Look up."

And so, at her command, I did. Directly above the remains of Nerv Headquarters was the doorway that I'd opened during Fourth Impact. It was much smaller, almost sealed, but still recognizable. There was still something beyond it.

"Ayanami?" I asked incredulously. She couldn't possibly have meant that? But that would explain the one way trip. It would explain why we needed this.

"Ikari, take us through."

I chopped the throttle back to idle and snapped the stick over to the left, rolled us into the inverted and held it. Leaving home forever, that's what this was. Wherever I ended up, there was no coming back.

I pulled the stick back sharply and pulled through a high-G split S maneuver and then slammed the throttle back to the stop. The Viper cut through the air like a knife and our speed grew rapidly, on a return vector towards Nerv. I rolled shallow to the right and stepped into the rudder to swing wide and right around the inverted pyramid. Still at full throttle I rolled to the left and pulled through a maximum performance pitch maneuver to throw us in a circle around the base.

The jet shuddered and shook in the turbulent air as vapor trailed off the wingtips. After a complete circuit I chopped the throttle back and rolled ninety degrees to the right and hauled back on the stick and pointed the nose directly for the gateway above.

I pushed back to half throttle and turned my head to face Nerv one last time. I could dry my tears later, but for the moment they proved that I _had_ felt something, and that it had been real. I brought my hand up and held a salute until it was out of sight.

End Book One.


	39. Interlude: Common Thread One

The Curious Case of Rei Ikari: Common Threads  
Part One:  
Rei/Zero

"_Ikari would fight."_

Rei stared at the controls in front of her. It wasn't the same as her Evangelion, it was older, much older. Older than she was. It was different, and the same. She would succeed because that is what she was _made_ for, and in that she and Zero were the same.

"I understand. Unit Zero is deploying now."

Rei had never done anything slow, and never by half measures. Her first stop was the armory, and the second stop was the edge of the inverted pyramid crater that held Nerv Headquarters. With her weapon slung across her back she dug the Evangelion's hands into the sloped rock, forcing handholds into the cliff face as she pulled herself higher and higher.

She had known the plan, she had known what Commander Ikari had intended. Mark Nine going out of control was not part of that plan. They had been betrayed by SEELE. She had known of them, he kept nothing from her because he knew she didn't care.

Until some part of her yelled out from the buried darkness of her mind that it _was_ time to care. Betrayal as a concept didn't bother her, it wasn't in her nature to care.

She knew very few people, had spoken to even fewer, among those were Ayanami, Ikari, and Nagisa. One was dead, one had told her to fight, and the other was in danger.

Never for her own sake would she have taken up such a burden, but for Nagisa...

She grit her teeth and heaved the Evangelion upward, one last violent push and she landed on the top of the pyramid's edge with both feet. From her unit's back she retrieved the Evangelion-scale positron rifle and propped it up against the rocky ledge in front of her.

Ahead and in front of her, a few thousand yards out, she could see the Mark Nine drifting towards the _Wunder._ She knew what the plan for that ship was, and this was not it. She lined the sights up on the opposing Evangelion and squeezed the trigger.

The weapon let out a dull, low rumble, followed by an ear splitting shriek as the beam of charged particles lanced forth towards the target. She didn't wait for impact to fire her follow up shot. She knew better. Experience had taught her better. She snapped off four more rapid fire shots before the barrel overheated and she discarded the weapon.

Shots peppered the ground surrounding the Mark Nine and turned the impact craters into glass, the thermal impact from the strikes caused small scale explosions which peppered the target Evangelion's armor and peeled some layers of it back, melting other layers together.

From the far right of her field of vision, Rei could see the pink form of Unit Eight crawling out of a crack in the ground with Unit Two-Dash right next to it.

She did not know what she might be able to say to them, but she did know that actions spoke volumes. The battery counter started ticking down as the power cable ejected from Unit Zero's spine and she dropped into a sprint, leaping from the cliff and into the open sky.

The wind whipped past her as she fell like a rock through the open sky. The turbulence in the air from the continuing Fouth Impact violently buffeted Unit Zero, but she corrected almost unconsciously as she approached the ground.

Two hundred meters from impact she leaned the Evangelion backwards through a tumble to point the feet towards the ground. Her thumb popped a catch open on the left control stick and she pressed the button that activated the retro rockets embedded in the shoulder pylons.

Six solid fueled rockets rotated out of the back side of the shoulder pylons and lit with a thunderous roar and the Evangelion jerked back like it had been plucked by a giant invisible hand, its speed arrested rapidly.

Unit Zero landed in a crouch and started to roll forward, Rei used this momentum to convert her inertia into a forward sprint towards the _Wunder_, which the Mark Nine had finally reached.

She watched as Two-Dash leapt onto the grounded left wing of the _Wunder _and had moved to engage the rogue Mark Nine. A burst of full auto from the machine gun replacing Two's left arm peppered the Mark Nine, which responded with an energy blast from the void where the Evangelion's head should have been.

Rei felt herself _disturbed_ when, a moment later, the Mark Nine had begun to grow a new head, one which resembled the _Wunder_ and not the head that she was most familiar with. She felt a heat rising in her chest and she slid the control sticks forward to the locks.

Unit Zero pushed onward with a speed that it had never attained during it's former service as a front-line unit against the Angels. The armor around the knee and hip joints began to crack under the strain as vapor started to trail off of the Unit as it approached the sound barrier.

A scream of primal fury filled the entry plug as she stabbed her thumb down onto the retro catch and she commanded the Unit to jump. All six rockets ignited for the second and final time and the Unit leapt into the sky in a ballistic arc terminating at the Mark Nine.

The front of the shoulder pylons opened up and the main and backup progressive knives dropped into the ready position. Both hands reached up and pulled the blades from their containers as the distance closed.

Rei drew the two blades down and back, ready to strike as soon as she was in range. Her feet touched down on the surface of the _Wunder_'s hull with a deep thud and she lunged forward the last few meters, blades slashing out for the neck.

Mark Nine brought its right arm up and forced Unit Zero's head down with its elbow. Rei grit her teeth against the pain feedback and jammed both knives into Nine's spinal armor and she pulled a catch on her right control stick. The left shoulder pylon opened up directly under Mark Nine's chin and seven large-caliber tungsten spikes were propelled by an explosive charge directly into its head.

Unit Zero's left shoulder pylon exploded, and a moment later Mark Nine went slack in its grip. The control circuit having been temporarily disrupted, the spinal armor over the entry plug ejected and an instant later the entry plug rocketed out and arced upwards towards the open portal.

Rei pulled back from the Nine and the Two-Dash jammed its machine gun arm down the empty plug socket and fired a full magazine of ammo down into it. She felt the blood running down the left side of her face. Sympathetic feedback from the explosion. It didn't matter.

The Mark Nine slumped for a moment before it stood back up and knocked the Two-Dash backwards against the primary hull of the _Wunder _and fired an energy blast at it for good measure.

Unit Zero circled around to get between the Nine and the _Wunder_, then Rei commanded it to kick off with everything it had left. Armor panels on the surface of the ship caved in with the force of the launch. Zero caught the Mark Nine in the midsection, damaged shoulder first, and the force of the strike tore it away from the _Wunder's _hull.

Rei leaned her head back against the headrest as they both fell towards the ground, away from the ship. With the Mark Nine no longer in control, the _Wunder_ would be able to pull away, at least long enough for the plan to complete.

A blast struck Zero directly in the chest armor and cracked it with such force that her grip on the Mark Nine was broken and she was sent flying backwards towards the ship she'd just jumped off of. Rei reached for the retro controls and slapped the switch down to slow her speed, but remembered only too late that the left pylon had been destroyed.

A moment later, Unit Zero impacted the surface of the ship. Rei's head impacted the headrest, and she saw and heard no more.


	40. Interlude: Common Thread Two

The Curious Case of Rei Ikari: Common Threads  
Part Two:  
Ave Victoria

"_I, Victoria, take you to be my wife, to have and to hold, to love and protect, to stay with through sickness and health, for the rest of my life."_

I blinked and shook my head. She'd been on my mind more frequently as of late, a side effect of getting older and having more and deeper regrets. Memories of the life I'd never lived, but, well, I could remember the taste of that wedding cake like it was just yesterday. How do you really mourn someone you never met, who's been dead for thirty years? How do you mourn a life you never really lived?

But even so, I loved her. I loved her and I knew that in some other world, she was mourning the me she lost. The Victoria who had never done the things that I'd done, who never had to avenge her father, her real brother. The Victoria who'd never gotten her adoptive brother killed.

Rei Ikari had the right of it, it was what I did that started the mess. I couldn't deny it but I couldn't keep the whole blame. I had never confirmed it but if I was right about her, and I'd almost have to be, we were sharing the nightmare. She remembered the same life I did, but she wasn't actually _me_, and so she could tell herself it wasn't as important.

Maybe she didn't tell herself that though. Maybe it was killing her inside as much as it was killing me. Maybe that's where she found the fire to fight. I didn't have to pull deep to find a reason or an urge to start cutting throats and_ her_ brand of bloodthirsty didn't seem so different.

Even now, I couldn't decide if I'd have been better off trying to be her friend, or calling out 'fox three' the first time we met and strangling her influence in the crib. Either might have avoided the shit show that we ended up with: A Life Story spelled out 'B-O-H-I-C-A'.

"L-Barrier density is rising rapidly, readings are consistent with an impact event!"

No more time for self reflection. I stood up and stepped towards the front of the command deck. "That sounds like our luck. Signal the other ships to battle stations and prepare to take the whole fleet in. I want all sensor data piped to the main screen, keep from cluttering the visuals though."

The flurry of activity that surrounded my orders was nothing less than _frantic,_ but then that's what life had become for me. I thought we'd been pushing back against the darkness, but some days I just wished it would embrace me. Take me into it's calm and cold bosom and then, maybe, I might see her again. Maybe she'd know me.

I shook my head. There would be time for that later, but if I was _really _lucky, there wouldn't be. "Katsuragi, you think it's her?" I asked the woman next to me. I wouldn't need to define _who_, there was only one person I could mean.

"I don't see how it could be anyone else. If Ikari got to her..." I could see the pain in her eyes, and I could see her white-knuckling the handrail.

"She'd probably eat up whatever ol' pops was telling her, hook, line, and sinker. You think you can fight her?" I asked. I had to know the answer, even if I wasn't sure which one I wanted to hear. There _had_ been a reason she'd ceded command to _me_, of all people.

"Of course I can fight. You don't need to ask, I know the stakes." She hissed back, but she didn't seem to have her heart behind the venom, something more on her mind.

"You love her, so I _did_ have to ask."

"That's _why_ I have to fight."

I nodded at her. That was a fair enough reason, I knew that she'd make the right decision. I didn't, however, know what that decision would actually be.

The deck rocked under us, air turbulence to be certain, but pretty strong if it was affecting us. Our size and power would have made most turbulence irrelevant, but this gave us a bit of a buffeting. "Report?"

"Uhhh, it looks like two high energy targets are floating ahead. Contact is temporarily lost with Units Eight and Two-Dash, but the target signatures don't match. Turbulence in the local airflow seems to originate from a point one kilometer above the Tokyo-3 ruins." She explained. I should probably have taken the time to get to know her name, or any of the people on the command deck.

I couldn't spare the heartache, and that probably made me a terrible person. But I wasn't here for making friends, not new ones anyway. Clark was the people person. Katsuragi was the figure head. I was just there to make the decisions that got people killed, because they had to be made.

We were all seeking penance, absolution, but it would never come for me. Telling myself I didn't give a fuck, not learning their names, they were all ways to cope with the inevitability of mortality. I could order someone to their death if I didn't know their life story more easily than if I did.

Professional detachment.

"That's probably fine. Take us in at flank speed, AT field to maximum! Load high velocity Anti-AT field munitions in all cannons throughout the fleet! _Wunder_ will designate all primary targets. _Iowa_-class is to fire on designated targets, all others catch anything too fast or small for main battery fire!" I barked out as the ship pitched and rolled from the growing atmospheric disruption.

I could see ahead the telltale opening of the Doors of Guf, the initiation of an Impact event.

I had never wanted my world to be that much bigger than a fighter cockpit. Everything I could do from there always made sense to me. Shoot or don't shoot. Evade, push, run, fight. Everything had a time and a place and a purpose, but this? Metaphysics and theological consequences weren't my thing.

They didn't need a military mind, they needed a religious one, or maybe they needed someone with an emotional investment. I by all rights, should never have been in the chair. It was pure chance, luck of this curse, that I was even in a position to be _involved_ in this war, let alone at the front of it.

"Katsuragi, you have the conn," I announced simply, but loudly as I turned to leave the command deck. She would make the right decisions.

WILLE didn't need Commander Victoria Eleanor Becket. WILLE needed Marshall Misato Katsuragi. Maybe I needed her too, but she wasn't mine to have, not mine to keep from Ikari.

I needed to be Gypsy Rose.

I received no protest from the command crew on my departure, but I hadn't expected one. I had respect because I'd been _right_, but my authority flowed from Katsuragi; they would obey any order she had to give.

Rei Ikari had Evangelion to make her dangerous, and in fact we were in the middle of _that_, but I had my own way to be most dangerous. It made sense that it would have turned out this way. Neither of us really _wrong_, just in the wrong place at the right time. We were destined to fight.

The corridors passed me by without much thought to direction; I'd spent the better part of the decade on this ship and it hadn't changed much in that time. The only things that really marked the passage of time were the lines in the mirror and the unfamiliar faces walking the halls.

The hatch I was looking for was to my right, near the starboard aft compartment, behind the Evangelion canister. I'd had it installed off the books, a perk of command, but still an open secret. Officially we couldn't _really_ approve it, but I wasn't above demanding favors.

I pressed my palm against the biometric scanner and the hatch hissed and popped inward. This had been my escape plan, if things went sideways on me. Plans that had kept me alive so far, but now there was nowhere to run, nowhere to hide.

The Japanese engineers who'd done the work for me had called it 'F-5E Kai' and that seemed as good a name as any. Conformal fuel tanks built into the dorsal structure and ventral reinforcements to handle the higher velocity Anti-AT field ammunition fired by the nose mounted twenties, as well as the center-line mounted heavy railgun had been installed.

I pulled the hatch open and stared down into the open cockpit waiting for me below. What I hadn't told them is that I had planned on using it against the WILLE Evangelions if they turned against me, if that's what it would have taken to get away.

It was just as well that I was going to use it in defense of WILLE after all.

I dropped down into the seat and pulled the straps down to lock me into place and then pulled the helmet down over my head. Power on, canopy down. I was reaching for the toggle that would start the jettison sequence when the entire ship banked sharply to the left.

The entire plane vibrated around me in a way that wasn't immediately familiar, but if I'd had to guess I'd say the _Wunder_ was dragging the ground on part of the left wing.

All the more reason to launch now. I pressed my finger down on the switch that would start the launch sequence and readied my other hand over the engine start switch. The panels in front of and behind the jet detached violently when the first explosive bolts fired.

I pressed down the starter switch and the engines started to rapidly gain momentum as the high velocity air-stream from the _Wunder_'s forward flight ram-started them. A few moments after that the second set of bolts fired and the jet dropped downward away from the ship.

The buffeting as I dropped through the _Wunder_'s wake tossed the F-5 around violently, but not so much that I didn't see an Evangelion get knocked into the side of the ship. I pushed the throttles forward to the stops and eased the stick to the right to take myself out from under the ship; flying under objects was never one of my favorite things, nor the safest.

I turned my head to the left as power came on and I stopped descending. The Eva that had kidnapped the Reis was falling through the air away from the _Wunder _and the gun turrets from the ship were lighting it up, for what good that would do.

Larger explosions followed the initial barrage from the guns on the _Wunder_, the five and sixteen inch high explosive shells from the battleships struck the Evangelion in repetitive waves of fire. Each explosion slung debris and pushed the unit further and further from its goal.

I still didn't have the energy I needed to engage in combat. My best hope was to perform high speed slashing attacks, but with this heavy gun hanging from the bottom of the plane even full afterburner thrust wasn't granting me the acceleration I'd have wanted.

But that was just me being impatient. I'd get to where I needed to be, and _that_ Evangelion wasn't my target anyway. I eased the stick over to the left after I climbed over and around the _Wunder_, and set my sights on the white-glowing Evangelion that was causing the mess.

While I continued to close with the target I noticed my climb rate was a little bit... off. Too high for my air speed and angle of attack. For that matter, a look in the spot mirrors showed that the _Wunder_ and the rest of the naval fleet were climbing as well. I experimented with the control stick and found that the plane wanted to drift towards the open portal overhead.

That made things a little more urgent.

I started charging the railgun capacitors off the generators and switched fire control over to the nose cannons. If I could bait Ikari into closing the distance to attack me I'd be better off overall, rather than losing airspeed fighting the pull of the portal.

I rolled into the inverted and pulled a few degrees of lead to compensate for the diminished effect of gravity, and pulled the trigger. Both cannons barked out full auto tracer fire that I steadily walked along the Evangelion. The shot arc was a little erratic, a lot like firing inside of a rotating reference frame, so I was thankful I had enough shots to re-calibrate where I'd have to aim to fire the railgun.

The air-frame started to creak from the gravity sheer, the two opposing 'down' forces were causing havoc with the targeting. The gryos were already set, so they would be fine even if my own reference frame flipped.

Not that it helped. I kept pushing the nose more and more towards the ground just to fly level towards the Evangelion, it was becoming more and more like flying a spaceship than a fighter jet.

And here I'd thought I'd never get to be an astronaut.

I rolled inverted to the ground, with my canopy facing the planet and the underside of the jet facing the 'new' ground, at least as far as gravity was concerned. I pulled back on the stick and brought the targeting reticle back onto the Evangelion, which I was above and being pulled away from even with both engines running at full afterburner.

Behind me, a few of the ships from the fleet had already been drawn through the portal, and there was nothing I could do for them. The _Wunder_ wasn't far behind, Unit Two-Dash and Eight were clinging to the hull for dear life, trying not to be pulled away from it. Ikari's Evangelion was still stationary, unmoved by my attacks or the portal.

I didn't have time. I couldn't save everyone, maybe I couldn't save anyone. But I could try.

I switched fire selection over to to the railgun and fought the buffeting of the air being sucked past me towards the portal. I was losing ground even at full power. At least being pulled directly backwards made targeting easier; I squeezed the firing stud and fired half of the ten round magazine at the center of the spine, right where the entry plug hatch ought to have been.

My engines started to overheat and I was forced to throttle back, but the shots landed and the Evangelion tumbled forwards and began to fall towards the planet. A pair of bright flares lit up, streaking away from it. Entry plugs. Two? That was certainly novel.

The suction force from the portal started to relent, but with my throttle down to half and the recoil from the railgun I was too close to escape. I looked over my shoulder to see how long it would be until I met destiny, when I saw _Wunder _and units Two-Dash, Eight, and _Zero_ pulled through the void.

And then I joined them, hoping that if this was the end, that I might find _her_ waiting for me, and that she'd know me.


	41. Drudgery

Book Two

Chapter 37:  
Drudgery

Like most nights, right around eight thirty, half hour to closing, I found myself staring at my finger nails and listening to the monotonous drone from the other end of the telephone. The cotton polo I'd been issued was cheap, mass produced, and uniform. I supposed that in that way, it represented my job perfectly.

The flickering lights bathed the store in a subtly migraine inducing glow, just outside of the frequency you really _noticed,_ but well within one your brain could pick up on. That, of course, didn't bother the spider that crawled down on its thread directly in front of my register.

And, of course, oil was on five for four, with a free filter and drain pan while supplies last.

"Sorry, we don't have that part in stock at this store. We can have it from our hub store by tomorrow at ten. Do you want me to reserve it?"

Click. Well, fuck you too buddy.

I dropped the handset back on the receiver and leaned backwards against the spark-plug wire-set display. Twelve feet tall, six feet deep, and full of boxes so bleached out from age that they gave my own flesh tone a run for its money.

And for _my_ time I'd made seventy two dollars less taxes.

I glanced down at my cell phone at the time, eight fifty eight. Two minutes to go. I glanced up towards the battery display, then down the entire shelf of air filters. The alternator tester was next to that, and I briefly entertained the thought of rolling the bastard thing outside and setting it on fire.

My phone vibrated in the pocket of my black slacks and I tapped the logout on my register. "Raphi! Store's closed, let's lock up and go home!"

The short, hispanic man sighed as he came out from behind the plug-wire display and shook his head at me. It wasn't the first time he'd given me that look of disappointment, I was pretty sure it wouldn't be the last either. "It wouldn't hurt you to care a little more about the store, eh _mija?_"

Raphael was an older guy, late fifties with salt and pepper hair, where he still had the hair anyway. I gave him a helpless shrug. "If you paid me more I'd care more. Can we lock up? I need to go home and get my beauty sleep."

He let out a deep belly laugh and shook his head, "Ah _mija, _if I paid you more the others would get jealous and quit and you'd have that much more work to do."

"Well, if you gave me too much work I'd have to go too, so maybe you've got a point." I shrugged and locked my drawer, then grabbed my car keys and headed for the front door. It was at least a forty minute drive and I wanted to get to it as quickly as I could.

"Oh fine, be like that. You can go, I'll lock up." I heard the mock frustration in his voice. He was a nice guy like that.

"You're the best Raphi!" I yelled over my shoulder as pushed the door open and walked out into the cold night. Even this far south it still got colder than Tokyo-3 ever did. Middle of November didn't do the temperature any favors either.

The little blue Corvair waiting for me in the parking lot was a rather familiar sight, if not the most welcome at the moment. Forty five minutes in a car without a heater wasn't a thought I relished. It wasn't broken, it just never had one installed.

I slid the key into the lock cylinder that was older than I was and turned it, a crackling creak later and the lock popped open and I was able to open the door. None too soon, since the metal was cold as hell. I found the clutch and pressed it down while I slid the key into the ignition.

The choke knob was equally cold in my hand as I pulled it out and put my foot against the gas pedal. I turned the key and the engine chugged over behind me, one, two, three, four, five seconds. I gave it a little gas and the nearly sixty year old engine finally caught and started up.

The carburators were a little out of tune, but the idle settled down after a few minutes to let the engine warm up. I slid the choke in experimentally and was rewarded with the engine _not_ stalling out on me. Good enough.

Turned on the lights and eased it into gear, and out of the parking space. It was not the most glamorous of cars, nor the most glamorous of jobs, but it was what I had. If I had known that this was where my life was going to take me, I'd probably have laughed at the absurdity of it.

It wasn't as though this mundane existence hadn't come with its own share of costs, of that I was only far too aware, but it was nice enough. At least, I could tell myself it was.

Adjusting to _this, _after everything I'd gone through was still a work in progress, but with hair dye and tinted contacts anything was possible. It was a world without Angels, that was good enough, wasn't it? No Second Impact, no Third or Fourth Impact.

Victoria had died having only ever lived in this world, so maybe she'd got the better end of the deal. She'd died not having failed, or having failed anyone. It was every bit possible that it was my own world that made things turn into shit, or the people in it. The Victoria from my world messed a few things up on her own, and could she really be considered that different from the Victoria from here?

I leaned back in the seat and rolled my head to crack my neck. Just another day in paradise. I couldn't even bring myself to feel like I was being sarcastic. The planet was vibrant with life, with blue oceans and an intact south pole. We weren't in a perpetual state of war, the world wasn't in danger of ending, there was no existential horror.

Whether he was real or not, that God Shinji had gotten his wish; Asuka, Ayanami, Misato, even Mari were no longer subject to the possibility of Third, or Fourth, Impact.

But I felt restless. It wasn't like the job really helped that either, since it was six to eight hours every other day, and some Saturdays, of monotonous drudgery. There were only so many brake pads I could sell, or car batteries I could install before I wanted to jump off the roof.

And I was pretty sure even that wouldn't reliably kill me.

Romance was dodgy, I hadn't seen Misato in months and any other option ran into the problem of the fact that I was not exactly _human_, and that's the kind of thing that would eventually get out in an intimate relationship. I couldn't exactly go 'hey by the way you're sleeping with an alien' because they have pills for people who say things like that, and they're not optional.

And all else being equal, sex wasn't really a major concern of mine. Affection would be nice, but it didn't rule my life. My lament was the sum of all grievances, rather than any given one. Some kind of fulfillment and I'd be content with myself, but...

I had to mentally balance the relative boredom of a mundane life against the excitement that was surely taking place in the _Kitty Hawk_ battlegroup. On the one hand they certainly weren't bored, but on the other hand; not my circus, not my monkeys.

The falsified documents that let me live the life I had were less of a bribe or a reward and more like an order. One written without words that said 'we don't want to have to deal with what happens when we let you off the chain'. Hogtied with a birth certificate and a social security card. Or maybe it was more akin to an anchor around my neck.

It was the better of the two options though. The other was that they could probably have tried to turn me over after the Second Battle of New Orleans. I wouldn't have let them, but they could have tried. I think everyone was just so excited not to be dead that they were feeling benevolent.

Or maybe it was Misato's doing. Probably was, on reflection.

Sleeping in a warm bed every night and not worrying about dying was, on the whole, desirable. So it wasn't all bad to be _boring_. I could have used some more excitement, but living as a normal human being, even if I wasn't, had more perks than drawbacks.

The headlights of a car in the oncoming lane blinded me, so I directed my gaze to the white line on the right side of the road. I wasn't far from the house, I must have driven most of the way in a daze. Not uncommon after an eight hour shift.

The rumble of the wheels against the road and the unique exhaust note of the air cooled engine were not unpleasant companions, even if the sharp cold of the night time November air was.

I slowed and turned down the spur that would take me the rest of the way. The lake off to my right reflected the moonlight. A lake not made by an explosion, but by the dedicated efforts of man, and filled with clean blue water. That alone was probably worth the trip through the portal.

The car's headlights lit up the little yellow house on the corner up ahead, my destination, so I eased on the brakes and pushed in the clutch. It was dark out, but the moon was high, and the lights in the house were still on. That meant at least somebody was still up, and that should be expected on a week night.

The gravel cracked and crunched under the tires as I pulled in, and then drove past the car in the drive and parked next to the one covered in a tarp next to the house. I turned the engine off a few moments later and popped the door open.

A yawn worked its way out of me as I trudged towards the door on the side of the house. All I really wanted was to grab a snack, crawl into bed, and sleep through till the morning. At least, assuming Rae didn't need anything. Fifty-fifty odds on that.

I pulled the door open and stepped into the kitchen, let the warm air wash over me and push the chills from my bones. I could probably have fallen asleep right then and there.

Instead, I turned to the fridge and pulled the door open, spotted my prey, and cracked it off the six pack ring. I pulled the tab and the can opened with a hiss and put it to my lips. The cool carbonated malty goodness of a Dallas Blonde slid down my gullet, satisfying my thirst and my desire to get buzzed all at once.

Rae was a beer snob, so I knew no matter what I took from the fridge it wouldn't be swill.

"Rei, if you drink too many of those I'll have to add it to your rent."

I turned towards the voice but didn't lower the can from my lips; the can wasn't empty yet. The woman stood about three inches shorter than I did, but she had a certain _something_ about her that said she'd probably win in a fight.

She was a tiny Korean school teacher with the ferocity of a tiger. What she lacked in size she made up for in presense, so it was no surprise that Victoria had married her. From what I remembered of her it was likewise no surprise that Rose had gotten her to take me in.

I crunched the can in my hand after finishing the drink and shrugged helplessly "Sorry about that Rae, you've just got such good taste I find myself unable to _not_ sample from your selection."

"Yeah, right. Well, you can make dinner to make up for it since I don't feel like cooking anything," she offered with a shrug. "Not that I ever do."

"I know, that's why I have Zenna on speed dial." I muttered, then turned towards the hallway, "I'm gonna change first, I smell like car exhaust."

As I walked down the hallway I heard her yell from behind me, "How's that different from usual?"

I raised my left hand over my head in a wordless one finger salute and grabbed the door handle to my room with my other hand. Out of the corner of my eye I sould see the open door of Rae's room, and the myriad of display cases within.

Rae was also a nerd. Anime, television, literature, it didn't matter. There was something surreal about seeing a glass display case with a six inch tall vinyl statue of Rei Ayanami standing inside of it, especially once you'd met the real person.

It was a true testament to people's refusal to believe what they don't want to that nobody had made the connection between Neon Genesis Evangelion and the fiasco that went down in New Orleans. Denial was a powerful thing and so was government information suppression.

The incident couldn't be denied, but somehow the news never reported on the eighty meter tall robots that participated in it.

I clicked the door shut behind me and pulled my shirt off, flung it into the corner, and then unclasped my belt.

People would believe the things that didn't challenge their worldview too much, they'd believe the things that made them feel comfortable, and they'd find any way they could to rationalize away anything with theological implications.

My bra hit the pile of dirty clothes with the speed and accuracy of a major league fastball, and I pulled a clean t-shirt over my head. The baggy, soft, comfortable fabric was a welcome change from the scratchy red polo I had to wear for work.

The black slacks found their way to the back of my desk chair and in a moment I was securely in the warm embrace of flannel pajama pants.

Oh, if those Russian sailors could see 'little blue hair girl' now. My elegance was matched only by my motivation, that is to say, I had none of either. Of course, I wasn't blue hair girl anymore either, it had been replaced by brown hair dye and brown contact lenses.

It was easier just to avoid the uncomfortable questions that my natural colors would bring, and I didn't want to give Rae any reason to suspect I wasn't perfectly normal.

I heard a knock on my door and turned in surprise. I hadn't been expecting that. She couldn't wait?

"Hey you didn't tell me your sister was stopping by. I didn't even know you had a sister."

My eyes widened and I turned quickly to pull the pocket pistol I had tucked under the mattress, slipped it into my pocket and then licked my lips and swallowed hard. "Yeah, sorry Rae. It must have slipped my mind. I'll be out in a minute."

Sister? Was that _other_ Rei coming for me?

I kept my right hand in my pocket resting against the pistol and popped my door open with the other hand. I crept down the hall and listened to the conversation playing out.

"I'm sorry, I forgot to introduce myself. I'm Suzu Ikari. I hope having Rei living with you hasn't been too much trouble?"

I recognized that voice, the inflections, the accent. I felt my grip on the pistol relax and a smile tugged at the corner of my mouth.

In the living room, as I walked out, I saw Rae and 'Suzu Ikari' standing by the front door. The latter was wearing slacks, a jacket, and a white blouse, and looked every bit like a federal agent. Her hair was dyed, and she was wearing colored contacts, but I'd still recognize her face anywhere.

She smiled at me. "Hello Rei, it's been a while. Why don't we catch up?"

Rei Ayanami had come for dinner. Maybe life wasn't so boring after all.

"Your sister dresses much nicer than you do. Guess twins aren't always alike, huh?" Rae needled with a self satisfied smirk.

I rolled my eyes. Hard. "Well, one of us had to be lazy, right? I guess I pulled the long straw to win that prize."

'Suzu' put her hand to her mouth to hide her giggle. I had to wonder if it was just a social visit or if there was something a little bit _more_ to it. What_ had_ brought her here?

"Yeah, I bet. So what's for dinner, Rei?" Rae asked with a raised eyebrow. It was _that_ expression.

Of course, there wasn't really anything that great in the fridge, nothing that wasn't frozen anyway. I wasn't going to feed substandard food to 'Suzu'.

Well, that, and I was too lazy to want to cook after working all day.

I glanced back at the kitchen and then at my sister, then at Rae. "Right, so, I'm gonna go get my phone, I'll be right back."

I _did _have Zenna on speed dial, after all.


	42. Outside Context Pilot

Chapter 38:  
Outside Context Pilot

I loved Thai food. A nice chicken pad Thai with just the right amount of heat was probably my favorite thing to eat. This dish was no different. The hot chili mingled with the crushed peanut and noodle in a way that _sang_ to me.

Across the table from me I saw 'Suzu' somehow managing to make the way she was hoovering down her vegetarian pad Thai look dignified and graceful. She'd always had that quality about her, or maybe I had just been looking at her through rose tinted glasses.

Rose tinted irises at _least._

"So, Su," I started around a mouthful of noodle. "I'm happy to see you, but you're not dressed like this is just a social call. You know?"

Suzu glanced over at Rae and tilted her head slightly towards her. "_Nihongo wa dekimasu ka?"_

Rae cocked an eyebrow at my sister and there was a smirk tugging at the corner of her mouth. "_Hai, dekimasu."_

I snorted and shook my head, "Is it really polite to try to find a language she doesn't understand to speak in front of her?"

"It could be one of those things people shouldn't know about, Rei," my sister said to me with raised eyebrows and a 'you ought not push this issue' expression on her face.

"So it's one of those things. So not just a social call?" I accused. I couldn't say I was unhappy to see her, it was quite the opposite in fact, but I would have liked it to have at least been just for me.

"It can be both," she admitted, or maybe asked. I couldn't imagine she'd _want_ to have to ask me for something.

"You know," Rae interrupted, "Suzu's accent is a _lot_ stronger than yours. That's a little strange now that I think about it."

I felt my hand clench under the table and then forced myself to relax it. "Oh, that's simple, we spent about fifteen years apart from each other, I'm far more Americanized than she is."

The best lies were ones based in the truth.

"Is that the lie you're going with?" Rae asked. She was sharp, smarter than I or Victoria ever were, so maybe trying to pull one over on her wasn't the best bet.

Suzu put her chopsticks down and gestured towards Rae, her eyes narrowed. "Z_asluzhivayushchiy doveriya?"_

"_Da, viktoriya doveryayet yey." _I answered with my crude understanding of the Russian language.

Rae started to glare at me and I slumped my shoulders forward with a sigh, "It's a long and complicated story. I'll try to cut out the irrelevant details." But where to start?

"I don't really have a dog in this fight, if you need to keep secrets you're certainly entitled to it. I have a few of my own. I'm just..." Rae trailed off, I could see her eyes watering up. "I've just had questions since you _did_ show up with a woman who looks like she could be my wife's aged twin."

Alright, fair enough then. I knew where to start. "I was in New Orleans eight months ago." 

xxx

_Eight Months Ago_

The portal passed by and a moment later I found myself staring at the clear blue sky, altimeter climbing rapidly. Had it not worked? I looked to the left and saw clear blue water as far as the eye could see. To my right the green of land, with a small inlet breaking it up before going further inland.

I recognized the landmass, I'd seen it from the air enough. I could spot the causeway that bisected Lake Pontchartrain. We'd popped out over New Orleans, on a world that had never had the oceans turned red.

"I think we're home."

"What?" She asked in a confused tone. Of course she wouldn't understand, but I did.

This was a world untouched by the Angels, this was the world that Shinji had wanted. This was where my memories had come from, or close enough to it.

Wait.

The radar warning receiver screeched in my ear and I shoved the throttle to the stop and dumped an entire chaff bucket. I rolled the stick forward and put us into a sharp dive while rolling to the right. I hadn't yet confirmed a missile launch, but I didn't want to take the chance.

"Sis, get someone on the radio, figure out what's going on!" I yelled as I shed thousands of feet in a matter of seconds.

Down and below I could spot a small group of aircraft carriers being flanked on six sides by _Iowa_ class battleships, and each of those was chugging out a steady stream of cannon-fire in the direction of another group of vessels, but not actually _hitting_ any of them.

That would be the WILLE fleet, because the USN wasn't driving _Iowa_s anymore, and they'd never had six of them anyway. The carriers were deep in the center of the formation, with the battleships, cruisers, and destroyers filling in around the edge. Most of the people were either on the carriers or the _Wunder._

"No answer on normal frequencies, there's a lot of overlapping communication. Nobody is hearing us over the noise."

The RWR stopped screeching in my ear when we dropped under two thousand fee, so I pulled the throttle back down to half, with the WILLE fleet between us and the USN. I didn't need the radar to see all of the aircraft in the sky, but there was enough triple-A to keep them away from the fleet proper. I couldn't afford to engage them in combat because without radio I had no way of knowing who was on what side, since they were all flying the same damn aircraft.

Not that I had much more than the two heaters and two AMRAAMs on my wings. I started to thumb through the stores inventory when I rolled through and found no autocannon. Instead I found a selection for, the way I interpreted the readout, some kind of hyper-velocity gun with a fifty round capacity.

My guess was something similar to what had been hanging from the wings on the strike eagle.

"Alright, if they can't hear us over the noise, we'll just have to be louder. Power on the IFF transponder and fire up the active radar in continuous mode."

A moment later the radar screen started displaying much more accurate real time targeting information, no longer relying on passive reception. More importantly, we were visible _as hell_ to anyone with the wherewithal to look.

I rolled the radio over to a frequency I remembered from long ago, one that the computer on his jet still had the cipher for. "Cylon One-Three in the blind, anyone got their ears on? I'm the idiot blasting my transponder for everyone to see."

"_Cylon One-Two copies. I didn't think we'd see you again. We're covering the retreat but it's rough, their machines are a hell of a lot newer. And we're trying really hard not to actually kill anyone." _He sounded old, worn out. I guess it _had_ been fifteen years for him. It had been six days for me.

"I'll give them something else to worry about. I'm going after the '_Burkes_. Are you able to cover me?" I called back as I rolled the weapon selector over to the HV railgun. I heard a clunk noise and looked over my left shoulder to see a panel had retracted, exposing the muzzle of the gun.

"_Why the hell not. Cylon One-Two descending now. I'll cover you."_

I angled the nose towards the fleet on the opposite side of the carriers and pushed the throttle back up. The speed piled on quickly, much faster than before the retrofit, much faster than anything I'd ever flown before. I kept the plane low, under two hundred feet for the majority of the run-up.

The RWR started to screech again so I set the countermeasures to automatic. The plane started ejecting flare and chaff from the forward buckets as the distance closed under a kilometer.

The IR targeting system lit up hot-spots on the lead '_Burke_'s hull, directly under the intake/exhaust superstructure at the waterline. I squeezed off a shot and stepped into the rudder to fire a second shot at the hot spot aft of that one; both main engine rooms.

A pair of blasts erupted from the ship's armor as the shots drilled through the plate and, presumably, out the other side. I stepped into the rudder as a shot flew overhead and tore the sensor mast completely off the ship I'd just shot.

I chopped throttle and rolled to the right, hauled back on the stick and bled much of my energy into a nine-G full performance turn back towards the WILLE fleet.

I looked up in the mirror and saw smoke pouring out of the destroyer's stacks, the angle meant that I'd have hit at least one engine in each room, and if the shell cleared the other side it would be taking on water.

She wasn't moving any time soon.

Ahead of and below me I saw a pink Evangelion standing on the left wing of the _Wunder_, which I had only seen for the first time in this fight. The water trailing off of it told me exactly where it had been.

The pink Eva was holding an Eva-scale sniper rifle and fired another round over me, probably knocking the comms mast off another one of the ships. Making them deaf and dumb was a good way of reducing their effectiveness, and preventing too much intel from leaking out.

"_Looks like they're pulling back to let us retreat. Set down on the Kitty Hawk. You've got a few people who want to talk to you."_

"Negative Cylon One-Two. Handcuffs aren't my kind of Jewlery. I'll have to catch you guys on the flip side."

xxx

"I'm not sure that this is a better lie," Rae mused. "But supposing I believe you, why are you living here instead of with the rest of the people in the WILLE fleet?"

'Suzu' laughed at an unspoken joke and shook her head. "We were trying to keep her out of trouble."

I nodded, "So, I stashed the fighter jet, and we came back to face the music together. She got put to work, I got put on a bus."

Rae nodded and then rested her chin on her hand, "So why didn't we hear about flying battleships or giant robots on the news?"

I shrugged, "Human capacity for denial. Who'd believe it? I mean, there's an _Arleigh Burke_ with holes in it that can't be denied, anyone with eyes could have seen the hundreds of tons of high explosive that got chunked around in the gulf, but those are things we _understand_."

"Evangelion and _Wunder_ strain the human imagination." Suzu continued for me. "The ships were witnessed. Their _origin_ can be denied, but they can be seen so their _existence_ cannot be denied."

"Wait, what do you mean by 'Evangelion'? You can't possibly mean what I think you're trying to say. You're definitely off your meds, been watching too much TV or something." Rae accused with a slightly uncomfortable-sounding laugh.

"Well, you know I buy a lot of hair dye." I offered with a shrug.

"And? So you've got some gray hair, that's not _that_ uncommon to gray a little early."

I shrugged, "Fair enough." I looked down into my lap and held my eyelid open and plucked the brown contact lens off of my right eye and blinked away the sudden tears from the irritation.

I looked up at her with my right eye still closed. "Well, that's only half of it. Victoria's cousin thought you might be a target if anyone figured out who she was, and who she's working with. I needed a place to have a normal life, and she wanted assurances that someone would be watching after you."

"Even if I believed that, you're about ninety pounds soaking wet. You're no bigger than I am so what could you do?" Rae accused. She was getting angrier, both from confusion and distrust, but...

I set the contact lens down on the table and opened my right eye, showing my blood red iris for all to see. "I have a few talents that go beyond that. I don't need a fighter jet to be dangerous."

"So you're an albino? That doesn't prove anything. You know what? Fuck it. I'm going to bed. I've got work tomorrow, _you_ have work tomorrow, and I'm done entertaining this weird shit." Rae said before storming off to her room.

"That could have gone better." My sister admitted to me, then stood up from the table. "Although this was somewhat of a distraction from what I came here for originally. I _do_ need your help, and I apologize for asking."

"If you want the F-2, you can't have it." I said and shook my head, "I've told them that a dozen times. It's not going to happen."

"I'm not here on their behalf, I am here on behalf of _our sister_. Officially WILLE can't support what I want to do. So I need _your_ help.

I stared at her un-blinkingly for a few moments and then laughed, "Oh, you need my _other_ parting gift don't you? What's the mission?"

"_She_ found Nagisa." Suzu offered simply.

I felt my left hand locking into a fist, and then I forced it open again. "Rescue mission?"

"Yes."

I nodded without hesitation. He might have been creepy, but he'd _tried_, and without him we wouldn't have made it here. He was one of us, we owed him. "I'm in. Whatever you need."

I heard a door down the hall pop open and footsteps down the hardwood floor towards us. Rae stepped out and turned to look at me. Her face was tight, her eyes half open as she took a deep breath. "You know, I just made a phone call because I figured, hey, you're crazy, but there's a chance you're not. Victoria used to work with someone from the _Kitty Hawk._ The one from here. He said that somebody _did_ try to sink the _Farragut_ in New Orleans. Exactly the way you described it."

"So..." I ventured. "Is that better or worse?"

"I haven't decided yet. But if you're not lying about that, I tend to believe the rest of what you said, at least a little bit. When you're done doing whatever it is you have planned, I need you to take me to WILLE. I need to talk to the woman who brought you to me." Rae demanded as her expression shifted one that that was a little closer to 'fierce' than I felt entirely comfortable with.

Suzu looked between Rae and I a few times and then shrugged. "That can be arranged. Our mission will not be actionable for several more days, after the mission we can revisit this request, though I see no reason why I cannot accommodate you."

I turned away from the table and shook my head. I was all pumped and ready to go and with that she knocked the wind right out of my sails. "Well, that's great. Back to the daily grind tomorrow then. The couch pulls out into a bed, knock yourself out. I'm going to sleep."

"What, you're going to sleep after all that?" Rae demanded from behind me as I walked down the hall.

"Yeah, why not? This is a three out of ten on my weird shit-o-meter. I don't start losing sleep till my actions have theological implications." I waved my hand over my shoulder and pulled my door closed behind me.

The bed sure looked nice and comfy after all.


	43. Menace

Chapter 39:  
Menace

I stared at the handset sitting against the pillar in front of me, straddled right between the two parts lookup terminals with a deep primal hatred pulled from within the darkest recesses of my mind. I could _almost_ taste ozone on the air as I directed every bit of my energy into willing an energy beam into reality that might smite the damned thing, that I may never use it again.

"Raphi!" I yelled with a level of hatred in my voice that I had reserved for one, and only one customer. Only one autonomous pile of _human mayonnaise_ could earn this feeling, this _ire. _"Raphi that son of a bitch got me again!"

On the counter in front of me lay parts. Parts from the stacks behind the counter. Parts from every single aisle of the stacks, all for one single car, but from all corners of inventory. I'd been up and down a ladder _eight times_ pulling them all. Eight times.

This, in and of itself, wasn't a big deal, it was a sale, and a sale was a sale. But this bastard, this _human mayonnaise_ would do this to me every month. Call in with his generic sounding voice, order a bunch of parts, have me pull all of them, then say 'oh, never mind, I don't need them after all' and then hang up.

So then I had thirty suspension parts for a short-bed Chevy sitting on the counter that I had to restock, which meant I had to punch them all back in and get rack locations. Easily forty five minutes of fucking around, and that's if no other customers bothered me.

I heard the man come around the corner, of course he could do little to hide his movements. He wasn't exactly limber, advanced in age as he was. "Rei? What do you-" He interrupted himself when he saw the stack of Moog, Felpro, and Timkin boxes. "Oh dammit, again? Rei that's twice this week."

I clenched my left fist so hard my _wrist_ cracked and then relaxed it out again. "You know Raphi, you've got a point. I think I let him do this so I can get my daily exercise, gotta keep the flab off somehow, right?"

"No, Rei..." He sighed and shook his head. "It's probably a pissed off secret shopper. Just push this all on the return carts and I'll get overnight to restock it all. Don't waste your whole shift on it."

Never let it be said that I missed an opportunity to pass the buck or make shit roll _uphill_.

"Yeah, let Chris do it. I don't wanna. That's fine." I shook my head and walked out into the main area of the store in front of the aisles, to the oil change display. The sale was still on, and I still didn't care.

The loud raspy exhaust note from the parking lot drew my attention as if it were a gunshot. My head snapped to the left and, through the glass along the front of the store, I saw a _violently_ red Porsche 911 tearing it's way up the parking lot. Low gear, high throttle. Showing off, obviously.

Obviously.

I shook my head and walked over to the specialty oils shelf. Mostly cleaners, conditioners, gallon cans of WD-40, stuff like that. I was responsible for making sure that they were front facing and not all knocked all over the place. It was a job I took very little pride in. Fortunately, it took very little pride to accomplish.

I heard the red Porsche shut down outside of the entrance to the store and wandered back towards the parts shelves. Whoever was driving that car was probably an asshole and I didn't want to deal with any assholes.

I slipped around the corner behind the registers and camped out behind the plug-wire shelf. The area doubles as a break room, with a mini fridge, microwave, and the store's safe. In violation of corporate policy, the door was unlocked and open because it was easier to unlock it just once per shift. Situation _normal_.

A sealed bottle of coke sat on top of the safe and I licked my bottom lip unconsciously. I'd stashed it there earlier, out of the cooler out front, for emergency use. That is, for any thirst emergency. I cracked the bottle open and started to slurp the liquid down. I needed the caffeine anyway.

The chime from the door alarm told me that 'the asshole with the Porsche' had entered the building. Or maybe it was somebody else. I supposed that it didn't matter since Raphi wasn't about to work the cash register unless I was bleeding to death, and of course he'd ring the customer up before calling the ambulance. Just good business sense.

I sighed and pulled a stick of gum out of my pocket and popped it into my mouth. Tasted like Fireball. If only the taste came with the effectiveness of the drink. The substitute would have to do; drinking at work pissed Raphi off.

The repetitive ringing of the bell at the cash register filled me with a sudden impulse to shove it into the bodily orifice of whoever was hitting the damn thing, and I didn't really have a preference for which one.

I shuffled back into the customer-facing half of the store while staring at the floor. More of a trudge than a shuffle, but I got where I was going. A pack of air 'vanillaroma' air fresheners was sitting on the counter next to a five dollar bill.

The package rang up at an even four-fifty, and I looked up to give the customer their change.

"Ikari, you look like shit and you smell like Fireball."

I recognized that voice. I blinked and looked up at the woman I was handing the money to. _Well of fucking course it would be her_. "Nice to see you too Asuka. It's cinnamon gum by the way."

She shrugged at me and took her change. "Could have gone either way with you. You _did_ have that drinking problem."

I shrugged, "No problem, I get it all in my mouth now. No spills. You come all this way for air fresheners?"

She gave a non-committal shrug and head tilt, "Could be. Didn't know you were into that kind of thing. Keeping busy huh?"

I shook my head and laughed. "Nothing like that. Romance has been dead since that brief interruption in being alive eight months ago. Other than that, you know, alcohol, work. The usual stuff."

She put the air fresheners in her purse and seemed to be studying me. Even through her sunglasses I could tell her eye hadn't changed since I'd last seen her, on Akagi's table. It _did_ seem to be working just fine though. "So you can still get drunk?" She asked finally.

"Yep. Should I not be able to?" I asked. I felt my eyebrow creeping up under the tips of my bangs. Could she not? Interesting side effect of Angelic contamination. Maybe that was the difference between Lilith and Adam.

"I can't. Mari's hard enough to deal with, and I can't even drink to make it stop." She deadpanned. A moment later her lip curled up into a smirk.

I rolled my head and felt my neck pop, and it felt damn good. "So how are things going in the fleet?"

Her expression fell and she looked toward the front door of the store. "Well, Misato got wind of what's going on with you and Ayanami. She's sent me to warn you away from doing anything... mercenary."

"Oh is that all?" I prodded. She should have known me better than that. Did she think sending the girl I'd killed the world to save would sway me? "Our _agreement_ is at my pleasure. I'm not going to leave him hanging in the wind after what he did for me. After what he did for _all _of us. This life is because of him, you know."

She nodded and took her sunglasses off. I could see her Angelic eye clearly now, and I figured that was the point. "I'm just the messenger. If you cause an incident with the Americans she's going to send me after you. Off the record though, I don't think I'll find you."

Dammit Misato, it wasn't enough to send me away? If you want to control my life you've got to be _part_ of it. I spit my gum into the trash can. "We'll have to catch up some other time, I'd like to spend more time with you, but after work." I hesitated, then narrowed my eyes. "_Wunder_ works because Misato has my mother locked in a cage. Ask her who she thinks Unit One will side with if I come calling."

"You really think that's the best play here, Rei? She's got a fleet, you have _you_. Is that a fight you think you're gonna win?"

I felt my hand clenching into a fist again. "Maybe, maybe not. Tell her if she wants to run my life she needs to actually be _part_ of my life. If she's going to push me away I'll be away, but it'll be on _my_ terms."

She laughed and shook her head at me. "Looks like that fire in your heart _is_ still lit. I left a present for you in your car. I think you'll find it useful for... well, you'll see. I'll deny it so don't go telling anyone I gave it to you."

She started towards the door, keys in her hand. Part of me wanted to chase her, jump in the car with her, and wherever she went just tag along. Make it like the old days again. Get in a fight with a giant monster, sleep in Misato's apartment.

"Leaving so soon?" I asked suddenly, and perhaps a bit too urgently. I didn't want to be alone. Suddenly it felt as if everything that Victoria had given me had been stripped away and I was that scared lonely little girl standing on a deserted street waiting to get picked up by that cute woman in the picture that had been sent along with the letter.

The ones you let yourself love can cut you deeper than anyone else and Misato had cut me to the core. Those feelings were just under the surface, always waiting to erupt, to bubble up and turn me into a wreck. I kept them pushed down under a layer of alcohol and sarcasm but at times like this, times when I was reminded, when I had to think about her.

"I've got to get back to the fleet. I'm needed." She said simply. Her tone, more than her words, told me that I couldn't push the issue if I wanted to.

"If you ever need me, I'll be there." I choked out. "Can you tell her _that_ for me?"

She put her sunglasses back on and nodded, "Yeah, I think so."

I didn't bother watching when I heard the door open and close again. I took a step back from the register and leaned against the shelf behind me. If I wasn't such a fuck up, she'd have kept me around.

If I wasn't such a fuck up we wouldn't be living in a healthy world, so maybe I wasn't completely wrong.

Don't... do anything too mercenary?

That's the word she'd chosen.

Mercenary.

"Hey Raphi!" I yelled to the back of the store where he was surely hiding from customers. "Hey Raphi, call in Chris. I gotta run."


	44. Plans in Motion

Chapter 40:  
Plans in Motion

The thing most people didn't understand about arms dealing was that it wasn't really the kind of thing that happened in dark alleys with large sums of cash and six different armed men standing lookout. Most of the time it happened from a smart phone or from a computer keyboard. Social media and web forums were the easiest and most common way of setting up meetings.

And it was all perfectly legal and above board.

Hollywood had this way of giving most people the impression that buying guns out of the trunk of a car for cash was the realm of murderers or vigilantes, rather than an _astonishingly_ common occurrence every day in rural America.

The best way to run procurement for our little adventure would be completely above board, at least for as much of it as we could. Suzu had given me some stuff that I could barter with, something that nobody else in the civilian world had anyway.

It was _amazing_ what people were willing to pay for cans of Mk 211 Mod 0. In terms of small arms, four or five cans would cover basically all of our needs. I'd have to turn a little more of it into cash for fuel, and then make sure I had enough left to actually _use_, but it wouldn't be too much of a problem to do that. Worst came to worst I could add ball into the belts to make up for the missing 211.

I pushed myself back away from the keyboard so I could stand up. I'd set up a deal for later in the day, not too far away either so that was a bonus. In the meantime, a bottle of hair dye demanded my attention and would not be denied.

My spine cracked as I stretched out upon standing. A quick keystroke locked the screen and I grabbed the plastic bag off the corner of the desk. I was fortunate enough to have a bathroom attached to my bedroom; it would serve my purposes just fine.

Little blue hair girl was making a comeback.

xxx

I had never been a fan of _pants_ but the weather required it. Victoria had never had an aversion to such garments, but as was more apparent with every day of my life: we were not the same person. Just as well, my feelings for Misato didn't make me feel guilty about Rae; I just didn't think of her like that. Not anymore, anyway.

It was funny, when I finally met her and the spark I was expecting just wasn't there. It was for the best.

The reason I needed _pants_ was the forty degree temperatures made my _bones_ cold. The Corvair didn't have heating, but it provided some shelter from the cold. Standing around in the middle of a parking lot waiting for the guy to show up didn't afford the same insulation.

Having three hundred-twenty round cases of Raufoss Mk 211 sitting in the front of my car made me feel a bit like a guard next to a broken down armored car. Of course, my saving grace was that even if somebody did pry the trunk lid open they wouldn't know how valuable that ammo actually was.

I caught myself cracking my knuckles and shook my hands to get the blood flowing. After spending my entire life in a world where the mercury rarely dropped under eighty, this was almost like a frozen hell. It wasn't even the coldest it was going to get either.

After the small eternity of fifteen minutes a three-quarter ton Ford came rolling up to my car. Having a distinctive vehicle always made these deals easier to work out, you were easier to pick out. It also meant you could develop a reputation as a reliable trader as well. 'Oh, the girl with the Corvair? Yeah she's alright.'

I'd left my contacts at home, and with my hair back to it's 'original' cornflower blue I would definitely stand out, but that was the point. I _wanted_ the attention.

"Wow! That's a hell of a hair color you got there kid!"

I laughed and looked over at the now-stopped truck and the man climbing down out of it. "Yeah I suppose it is! So, you're Cotton, right? Rei Ikari." I said, extending my hand towards him as he approached.

"Nice to metcha. So, you've actually got some of that Raufoss huh? I gotta admit I half expected this to be a prank, but I need some for my collection so I figured I'd give it a chance." He was an older guy, probably mid to late fifties, jovial enough though. His handshake was firm without being aggressive and accent made me think of an old-school country boy who tripped and fell into a college education by _accident_.

I nodded, "Yeah, it's a bit hard to come by, but if you're a _collector_ then you're going to love the seals on the cans. Check it out." I said as I popped the release and lifted the trunk lid on the front of the car. The three cans of Mk 211 sat, held in place by the telescoping brace I'd stuck behind them to keep them from rolling around.

"Willy?" He sounded out. Close enough to WILLE I supposed. "Those are the guys from that big knock down drag out in New Orleans, right? Where the hell did you get this stuff?" He asked as he leaned in to inspect the merchandise. "You know what, never mind. I know we made a deal for two cans, but I'll throw in the M95 and the glass I got on it if you give me all three."

That would be _two_ fifty caliber rifles. I only needed one, but two was definitely better, and I had enough ammo to justify the trade. "Cotton, you got yourself a deal."

I reached down into the trunk and released the brace, then grabbed a can in each hand and hefted them out. It would have been a problem for me before, but red eyes and AT fields weren't the only benefit to my new biology.

"Hell kid, you're stronger than you look. I coulda got them. Aw oh well. Let me grab the rifles and you can have a look at em." He said with a laugh and a shake of his head. I kinda liked this guy.

I followed him back to his truck and set the two cans down in the bed while he fetched two hard cases from his back seat. We met back at the front of my car where he pulled the third can out and laid both cases down and popped them open.

On the left was a real beauty of a rifle, a Barret M82A3 .50BMG rifle. That's what I'd been after, because being able to drill a hole through an engine block with enough punch left to take out a horse could _always_ be useful.

On the right, a M95 .50BMG rifle. The bolt action counterpart to the semi automatic M82. It wasn't what I had originally bargained for, but two was always better than one. I was sure we'd find a use for it. The glass sitting on top of it looked like it cost more than my car.

I turned to Cotton and stuck my hand out. "Looks good to me, you happy with the deal?"

He took my hand and shook it, a little more animatedly than before. "Yes Ma'am. Tell you what, if you get any more of that you wanna get rid of let me know first. I'll make you a real good deal."

"Sure thing, might have some more in a week or two, I'll let you know how it goes." I said as he turned to walk back to his truck, when a thought hit me. "Say, Cotton, what do you do for a living?"

I was curious about his demeanor, accent, apparent wealth. I wanted to know what a man like that did for a living.

"Oh, mechanical engineer. How about yourself?"

I tilted my head and thought about it for a minute, then let the smile creep onto my face. "Fighter pilot."

Cotton nodded his head and then his mouth worked up and down a couple of times as he tried to think of how to say what he was going to say next. "Pardon my askin, but, for who?"

I shrugged, "For me."

"Well I guess that's fair enough." He said with a shrug and pulled the door of his truck closed.

I closed the rifle cases and then the trunk lid and climbed back into my own car. On the passenger seat was the package that Asuka had given me the other day. I'd opened it before, but I'd left it in the car. I wasn't quite sure what she'd meant by it, but I chose to believe it was something good.

Leather jacket and a pilot's cap and goggles. Either she was telling me she knew what I was going to do, or she was telling me she knew what I was going to do _and_ supported my doing it. Maybe she felt like she owed me something, but I felt more like I owed her. She'd given me a _reason_ for everything.

I pushed in the clutch and turned the key and the still-warm engine purred to life. Cotton's truck had already pulled away by the time I slid into first gear and eased the clutch out. Off to the airfield to see what luck Suzu had with her own procurement efforts.

xxx

The airstrip was a simple affair, a grass strip with a few tie-downs alone the perimeter and no control tower. Exactly what I needed it to be. I could see another car sitting down at the far end by a plane sitting under a tarp.

It might have been unusual to keep a plane under a tarp, especially that one, but if anyone who knew what they were looking at saw the propellers they would have more questions than I'd be able to answer.

The best case was that they assumed I was with the same group that had _six Iowa-_class battleships when only four had ever been built. They wouldn't be entirely wrong.

I drove down the dirt access road towards that final aircraft in the row and pulled up alongside the other car, and then turned off the engine. The tink-tink sound of the manifolds cooling was actually somewhat _calming_ for me. I reached down to pop the trunk and then opened the door.

Suzu was already on her way over as I walked around the front of the car to lift the trunk lid. She noticed my hair color, at least I assumed that's why she was shaking her head and giving me _that look_ while I pulled the cases out.

"I see you're back to old habits, Ikari." She chided me as she took the first case from me. "Given up on the contact lenses as well?"

I shrugged and hefted the second case up on top of my shoulder and closed the trunk lid with my other hand. "I talked to Asuka the other day. She said Misato didn't want me to act too _mercenary_. I figured that might get her attention, so I didn't want there to be any confusion as to my choice."

"Back to old habits? The Americans aren't going to like this." She reminded me with a tilted head and a _knowing_ tone of voice.

"This feels more right anyway. The contacts were getting itchy and Rei Ikari was always meant to have blue hair. I'm certain of it." I answered with a laugh, then set the case down on the trunk lid.

"There are two cases, I only asked for one rifle." Suzu observed.

I popped the catch and opened the case still on the trunk lid, the M95 with scope lay out on the soft packing foam. "He threw in a second rifle for a third can of 211, I figured we'd either find a use for it or sell it for cash. You guys are doing the ground portion of this mission so it's up to you what you do with it."

"Unit Zero had a weapon very similar to this. I am sure I will find a use for it." She reached out and touched the bolt handle of the weapon and nodded her head. "Yes, this will do."

"So, how was your end of procurement?" I probed and jerked my head towards the other car.

She looked up from the case and then looked back to the car, and then to me, and the hint of a smile graced her lips. "You spoke to Shikinami, I spoke to Makinami."


	45. Interlude: Common Thread Three

The Curious Case of Rei Ikari: Common Threads  
Part Three:  
The Sniper

"You backed her up then, I'm asking you to do the same thing now."

I spit my gum out. The flavor had worn off _anyway_ so it was just as well. "Yes, that's true. But you know why I did that." She was close enough to the situation, and always had been. I might have known more about Ayanami's origins than _she_ did.

I was there for it, after all.

"I do not have to tell you how bad it would be if the Americans were able to discover what Nagisa is. This is what is at stake." Ayanami was wearing brown contact lenses, and had her hair dyed. I didn't really like it. It looked too much like-

"You're asking me to turn on WILLE. You're asking me to go AWOL at_ least_. So why?" I asked. She had already left the fleet once on this errand, now she was back to try to draw me into it? And she'd do it looking like _that._

Even if I did help her, that was no guarantee of success. We had failed more than we'd succeeded, but we'd always won when it counted. Which category did Ayanami's little operation fall into?

Ayanami... Ayanami had changed since fourth impact. She seemed more driven, but more reckless. I had noticed what she'd stolen from the armory on the _Kitty Hawk_, if anyone else had noticed she would have been in a world of trouble.

But then Katsuragi had let her take one of the civilian aircraft for her own personal use. I could not quite figure out what relationship there was between Ayanami and the Marshal. Whatever it was dated back to Nerv, and meant that Ayanami could get away with anything short of outright treason, or so it seemed.

"Because force is useless if it is not used for a noble purpose. We can not sit on our hands and let another world burn for our inaction. Human life is born of Lilith, and this world is no different. If we let this chain of events continue we may yet see an impact event on this world. Could you live with that?" Ayanami's eyes almost seemed to be glowing behind those contact lenses. A trick of imagination, or memory. I remembered another woman who had that same look, so many years ago. She had been gone for longer than she'd been alive, but I could still-

I should have looked after Ikari more. I should have been there for her, helped her. I should have made sure she wasn't sent to that place she grew up. Maybe I could have kept her from that pain. We'd taken an escape pod from our world, but if I had been better we might have been able to save the world we'd had.

I diverted my eyes from Ayanami and examined the metal wall of my bunk room. I could count the rivets as a distraction if I put my mind to it. "Ikari is going to get you in trouble again."

I felt her hand on my chin and she forced me to look at her. I saw... a ghost. My mind took me back to when I was just a teenager, before Evangelions and Angels and biological contamination. Back to that woman in a lab-coat and a pair of glasses. Glasses that I didn't _need_ to see. Ayanami wasn't her.

"Is that the answer she would have given? Is that the answer she would have wanted you to give to her daughter?"

I felt like I'd been slapped. Hearing those words, in that voice, from that face. I was sixteen again, being chastised for my misbehavior.

"How could you understand? How could you hope to possibly know?" I asked her as the tears welled up in my eyes. My face and chest felt tight, I hadn't felt like this in years.

"Because Unit One moved for you. You are not her daughter, but you _do_ have a bond. A _strong_ bond. You're older than all of us and... You know that I am _of_ her. That's why you are so uncomfortable isn't it, Makinami? Because of what you share with Yui Ikari? That does not change that _Rei_ Ikari needs your help now. We all do." Her voice felt like icewater in my veins.

My hand struck her across the cheek before I really realized what I was doing. She may have been of Yui, but she had spent too much time with Yui's husband. Pulling at my heartstrings to do what she wanted.

She wasn't wrong, and she had made me see that I had an obligation to Ikari, but the means to her end were too cold and callous to have come from that face.

She recoiled from me and held her cheek, the alabaster skin had turned pink from the blow. She'd earned it. "You're too much like her father. Fine, I'll join your mission. I wasn't doing anything important here. Maybe this will be different. Maybe if I'm lucky the Marshal will show me as much leniency as she's been showing you."

"If we're lucky we won't need it." She answered. Her hand was already down from her face.

That was not wrong. "So if you need my help, what is it that you need me to do?"

"We need a sniper."


	46. Hail Mary

Chapter 41:  
Hail Mary

I found myself wondering what Becket would have thought if he'd made it this far, if he hadn't died saving my life. Would he have kept going like the rest of them, or would he have joined me in trying to live a mundane life?

We were a people out of place, out of _time_. We were Pandora's Box, and the people of _this_ world kept trying to pry it open to get at what was inside, regardless of the consequences. I had to wonder how Becket would have handled it.

He had been there for me at one of my darkest times. He had pulled me back from the edge when I was trying to do nothing more than find oblivion in the bottom of a bottle. It was pure dumb chance and luck that he'd been the one on rotation the day that I flew into town and if he'd never met me he might have lived to see today.

But maybe I'd be worse for wear.

So maybe his role was to make sure that I'd made it through, to make it to where I needed to be. And maybe there was no plan at all, but for the universal scale Rube Goldberg machine that was reality. Call it butterfly effect, or call it destiny, there didn't seem to be a functional difference.

Either Becket was meant to take that missile by destiny, or the sequence of events set in motion by the big bang were always going to end there. What purpose did human choice have in the matter? We could either sit back and absolve ourselves of responsibility and let destiny drive, blame everything on that. Or we could accept that our decisions caused everything, and that we had to shoulder the responsibility of every choice we make, _that_ every choice I made led to his death.

But if I chose to believe the latter, if I chose to believe that _I _had a say in how things turned out. If I chose to believe that there was no puppet master, that there were no strings on me, well, that meant I had to make the only choice that I could make.

He chose to save Rei Ikari, because he believed in Rei Ikari. Therefore, the only choice I could make was to _be _Rei Ikari. Rei Ikari would never leave a man behind.

Absent a clear adversary, absent Angels or SEELE, my only enemy was anyone who stood against me. I was not at war with the United States, nor even the specific agencies responsible for Kaworu's predicament. My enemy was the individuals who tried to stop me from getting him out.

I took a deep breath and checked my airspeed. Two-fifty on the money. That was within range of what I was pretending to be, and it would hold up as long as nobody decided to look up. We wouldn't be active that long anyway.

I adjusted my goggles and pressed the microphone button. "Dragoon to Archer, what's the mission status?"

"_Lancer and Rogue are nearly in position. Convoy in fifteen. Begin your run in twelve. I'll update targets on the fly. Bard will be in the pocket in eighteen... as long as this intel is good and it's not a trap."_

"Archer, it's not a _trap_ it's a target rich environment. If it goes sideways call it and I'll roll in for a second pass. Keep the head and tail boxed up and we'll have a nice little shooting gallery. Dragoon out." I released the mic switch and leaned back in the seat.

The P-38K was a smooth machine, even if mine was pushing ninety years old. The _Kitty Hawk_ crewmen had kept it in pristine condition even though there was nobody to fly it. I imagine it must have given them something to do to feel useful given the relative uselessness of air power during the war against Nerv.

They would probably have revolted against the fig leaf insignia I'd painted on the plane after I'd taken it from them, but I needed to prove a point and that was a good way of doing it. I had one chance at this, and I would probably never be able to use the P-38 again afterwards, so I wanted everyone watching to know what _I_ stood for.

If WILLE refused to stand up to the task of keeping this world safe, then Nerv would have to take up the slack. Even if I was the only person on the planet willing to wear that _brand_, that would be enough to make my point.

Because at the end of the day, Nerv's original and public goal was the protection of mankind against the threat of the Angels. Whatever it was that these people thought they were going to accomplish by reverse engineering Kaworu, or whatever they had planned, it stood against that goal.

And they had my _friend_.

"_Dragoon, three minutes till convoy is in the target zone. I have visual. Roll in." _Archer chirped in my ear.

From twenty-thousand feet the descent would grant me a lot of kinetic energy, which I'd keep when I punched the throttle to extend back out and back up to altitude. After that I'd have to get the hell out of dodge before anyone put jets in the air.

If the first pass didn't cut it, I'd have to loop back quickly for a second pass, then extend out of the mission area as fast as I could, as low as I could get away with. I had a place to stash the P-38, but that wasn't what was important anyway.

I pushed the nose down steeply and lined my eye up with the targeting cross-hair. I'd try to keep it to the fifties, but the twenty was loaded with APHEI if for some reason the Raufoss in the fifties didn't cut it.

"_Archer to Dragoon, count seven vehicles. Pop one, two, three, five, six, and seven. Looks like a Stryker up front. Four is a tractor trailer rig, armored up trailer. Lancer says that's where Bard is."_

I tapped the mic switch and fired off an "acknowledge" then pulled throttle back on both engines. The Stryker meant I'd be glad I had the twenty in the nose. Of course, I also didn't have a computer so I had to guesstimate ranges and bullet drop.

One of the major drawbacks to the older technology was that it was _older_ technology. Analog gun-sights, manually adjusted aim points on the guns. Analog flight controls and instrumentation, fully manual engine controls. I had none of the high technology of the F-2, but I could hold my own against a few ground targets.

I dropped under four thousand feet and rammed the throttles to the stops, still in my dive. I'd have to risk over speed, I did _not_ want to get chewed up by that thirty on the lead vehicle. I guessed range to five hundred meters and mashed down both firing studs. All five nose mounted weapons roared to life with a racket not dissimilar to an elementary school music class; all clanging and banging. Intermittent tracers that had been laced into the belts showed me my trajectory and I walked the fire through the IAV and into the two Humvees behind it.

The way the Stryker started burning before I even finished that half of my pass told me they were out of the fight. The two trucks behind it didn't have a chance even against the fifties, but I'd not let go of the trigger for the twenty and so they'd taken the worst of it. I released the triggers long enough to skip the tractor-trailer and then continued firing on the three Humvees bringing up the rear.

"_Archer to Dragoon, one, two, three, five, six, and seven are all either killed or disabled. Rogue and Lancer are moving in on four now. Bard in the pocket in three minutes. I'm changing location to provide cover. Catch you at the rendezvous. Archer out."_

I cut power to the phony transponder I'd been using to pretend that I was a Cessna 340 to ATC and kept the throttles firewalled. Altitude down under two hundred feet meant I could see a _lot_ of terrain, up close and personal. Three hundred miles an hour meant I could get deep into the woods of east Texas by the time the sun finished setting.

"_Lancer to Dragoon, we have Bard. He appears to be wounded and unconscious, but he is alive. We are proceeding with extraction."_

I let myself breathe a sigh of relief at the news that they had him. He'd done enough for us that we owed him this. A successful mission was always a good thing, but saving a friend felt even better. The shit storm we'd stirred up would probably have repercussions for years, and I doubted they'd ever stop looking for me.

On the other hand, Archer and Rogue would both do a pretty good job of making sure that dead men tell no tales, so we might get away cleaner than I could have hoped. Given how good of a shot Makinami was, I wouldn't be shocked if she told me that nobody had been able to get a distress call out.

With Suzu's AT-field abilities it was also unlikely anyone had taken injury from return fire. That left Rogue, the clone. That was a wild card to me, I had spent very little time talking to her. But she was competent, I'd seen video proof of that.

And it was her intel that had gotten us the location of the convoy. The exact dynamic of that was not yet clear to me. She might have been working for Suzu specifically for this purpose, or she was more of a free agent. I'd have to figure that one out, and then figure out what I would even do with the information.

"_Lancer to Dragoon. Bard is awake. He has a message." _I heard what sounded like a radio being shuffled around from the other side of the link and muffled voices conversing among themselves.

A different voice, not Suzu's, came back on the radio a moment later. _"They were done with me. I was never their objective. They've found the Mark Nine. They have been trying to reactivate it. I think that they may have succeeded."_

"Well... That's really bad." I replied like an idiot. I hadn't expected news like that. I hadn't expected them to be so far, so quickly. But if those _idiots _had the Mark Nine activated, they were a danger to everyone _including_ themselves.

I shook my head and eased the craft a little lower to the ground. I suddenly felt a lot more exposed. "Archer, we need to get this information to the people who can do something with it. I'd do it myself but I don't want to get caught over open water."

I had to try to get word to Misato. Failing that, Denisovich or Clark would probably do. Not that I had a better way of getting in touch with them than I did getting in touch with Misato. I found myself wishing Gypsy Rose was up here with me.

"_What, you're not afraid of a little Evangelion problem are you?"_

"Maybe if I had one of my own sitting in my back pocket, Archer." That, or if I had my F-2 instead of this P-38. If I had known what the score was I probably would have gone that route instead. "I'll be at the rendezvous in twenty-five. Let's hope the world doesn't end before then."

If it did, at least I'd tried.


	47. Interlude: Common Thread Four

The Curious Case of Rei Ikari: Common Threads  
Part Four:  
Reaper's Sprint

There had never been a real choice, at least not one that I could have ever made differently. When someone begs for your help, you give them your help. That the world was potentially on the line made no difference to me. I just wasn't wired that way.

Not after everything she had done for us.

I was two minutes out from the Hakone region, three from Tokyo-3 proper. I could already see the results of recent battle. The big red one had been stomping its way through an entire armored column and had in large part broken their ranks.

Burning tanks and crashed helicopters littered the city perimeter but even that didn't seem to put much of a dent in the forces that were still active. They weren't our concern, that would wait for the Hornets. "Cylon flight, ignore ground targets for now. Primary concern is Cylon One-Three. Find her and plow the road."

The girl had more balls than most grown men I'd met. She'd have given my sister a run for her money in pure stubbornness, with the recklessness of youth to drive her further. She'd been crazy enough to try to fight an Angel with a fighter jet, then she chased down a nuke.

Attacking a modern army in a plane that hadn't seen combat in seventy years shouldn't have surprised me, even if it did make my job harder. I just had to trust that she was doing the right thing. Nerv was supposed to save the world, so what could we do without it?

"_I've got eyes on air to ground tracers, two o clock low." _I was almost surprised by the voice of one-two over the radio. I'd let myself slip into my thoughts. Dangerous even in a stealth fighter.

I looked over to the right and saw the long streams of tracer fire raking a column on the ground. I pulled the stick to the right and pushed the throttles up into afterburner. The quicker I could get to the merge, the quicker I could get her out of the shit. Get more fast movers in the area to mop up the JSSDF troops.

The profile of a P-38K Lightning resolved itself quickly as the distance closed and it became undeniable that Iris was completely out of her mind. Out of her mind, and, based on the aggression that seemed to be radiating off of her aircraft, completely pissed off.

She pulled up and to my left and I pulled through to follow in behind her. I could come up along side, hand-signals would get us a common frequency that _wasn't_ guard. I'd escort her out of the fight, or at least provide anti-air support.

Launch detection screeched in my ear and I spammed active radar to find the launch platform. So many distractions, I kept ignoring what was in front of me. I started rolling frequencies over to guard, I had to warn her.

Directly ahead, beyond the P-38 I was nearly on top of I saw a Japanese F-2 bearing down on her, I saw the plume from the sidewinder. No time to warn her, it wouldn't matter.

"_Misato, I'm sorry. I love you." _Her voice came through on guard. She had accepted it, she was ready to go.

She was going four hundred miles an hour at best. I was supersonic. The speed differential gave me the chance to do something that under most circumstances would have been completely impossible. I kept the throttles pinned and fired off the entire flare bucket as I flew under the 38's belly. Give that seeker head something else to look at.

It was only an instant and I was out in front. No time for a missile launch, no time to even try for guns. I never had a choice. I fully deflected the stick aft and held on as the Gs pressed me down into the ejection seat, even as the entire aircraft tried to shake itself apart. A split second later the missile hit and helped that right along.

I reached for the ejection seat handle and then... nothing. 

xxx 

I woke with a start. It was that dream again, the one that felt so real and was completely insane at the same time. The one that made me doubt my sanity. I'd spent months trying to figure it out, trying to find the people in it. People who, of course, didn't exist.

But I couldn't let it go, and they'd taken flying away from me. Pending a full workup and a signoff by a head shrinker, I was grounded. All because of dreams about a girl with blue hair, and a sister who didn't exist.

My neck popped when I rolled out of bed. Feet hit the cold tile and for a minute I was thankful that the dreams had started before New Orleans, and that I hadn't shared everything in them. The parts that I hadn't told anyone about, the giant robots, the monsters. Those were just fairy tale, science fiction.

But then I'd seen video of what had happened in New Orleans. I'd seen the giant robot there. I saw ships that had never been built fighting the US Navy. When I'd seen _that_, the dreams felt less like a fiction.

I stood up and walked towards the bathroom. The day may as well start early, there was no chance in hell I was getting any more sleep, not unless I wanted those dreams to start all over again. They wouldn't tell me anything I didn't already know.

Whatever questions I had, the answers lay with the group called 'WILLE'.


	48. Unpalatable Truths

Chapter 42:  
Unpalatable Truths

The cold quiet of the barn was abnormally uncomfortable. The taste of spent powder was subtle but present, and the pinging sounds of the cooling exhaust manifolds echoed a little too loudly off the sheet metal walls.

The M4 sitting against my leg while I straddled the left engine nacelle helped to calm my nerves, but if things went sideways at this point I'd probably have been better off trying to make a run over open water for the _Kitty Hawk_.

Ideally nobody should be able to find me, nobody should know where to look. My paranoia, nevertheless, would not leave me. Every noise made my finger twitch towards the trigger. I'd killed people before, but this was different.

I had the backing of an entire organization before. I had control of a super weapon. I had a good reason.

Was rescuing Kaworu worth the people I'd taken out? I wanted to think that it was. But I also wondered if those men even knew why they were being killed, and we had killed all of them. They probably hadn't deserved it, but we also hadn't had a choice in the matter.

But even if I told myself I had the moral authority to pull the trigger, the fact remained that as much as I was flying the banner, I didn't have the resources of Nerv, or of any organization. I had a few thousand pounds of ammo, a car, a fighter jet with no ground crew or support staff, and a prop fighter from World War Two.

Kaworu might side with me, Mari wouldn't. Suzu could go either way, and I could probably count on the clone to fall in line for lack of anything better to do. That didn't make a compelling show of force. If I kept taking the P-38 into combat I'd eventually get shot down. If I kept raiding convoys and didn't get shot down, eventually the plane would fly itself apart from lack of maintenance.

The F-2Kai would be workable, but any ammunition I used I couldn't replace without resources I didn't have. I didn't have the money or connections to operate on any scale greater than the infantry level and even that was dubious.

And none of that did me any good anyway without something to point it at. A valid target that would get Misato's attention. The thing I needed most was to show her that I was willing to do the necessary things she was unwilling to do.

With Mark Nine being a real threat again, she'd have to listen to me. I'd have to make her listen.

But then all of my goodwill was spent, written out on checks cashed against an overdrawn account. Flying the fig leafed flag was a declaration of war. I had no illusions that any member of that fleet would swing to my side. Not after fifteen years, even if in the end I'd been right.

No, I'd just been lucky.

The sound of gravel under car tires crept through the open barn door. I thumbed the fire selector over to full auto and flattened myself down to the nacelle. If they were friendly they were fine, if they weren't...

A mop of blue-white hair crossed the threshold into the barn and my finger relaxed away from the trigger. The clone, call sign 'rogue'. Behind her were two more sets of footsteps, and then two more heads of hair made themselves known, brown and silver.

Suzu, the lancer. Kaworu, the bard. The M82 was slung over Suzu's right shoulder, and Kaworu was braced against and supported by her left. He looked like he'd had the piss beaten out of him, but he was alive despite the almost full body bruising.

Maybe lucky was _better_ than right.

I dropped down from the engine nacelle and lowered my M4 against myself. "Where's Archer?"

"She's scouting. The getaway was clean but she's thorough." Suzu answered. "If we're discovered they won't try to take us alive."

I felt the impulse to say something sarcastic or irreverent, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. Not after what I'd done right in front of her. "I won't let it come to that."

"You shouldn't act like you control it. These people are powerful and motivated and scared. Our arrival in this world started something that we're not likely to stop." Kaworu explained through a pained expression. I had to wonder how much information they'd beaten out of him.

"Even so-"

"Archer says movement ten meters out. She doesn't have a clean shot. One unknown with a rifle." I looked over to Suzu, who had her finger pressed to her ear.

I could hear a foot crunch against gravel just outside the door and brought my M4 to my shoulder. The sound was not what I expected, it was less of a grown man and more like if I or Suzu had-

I saw the flash of moonlight against steel peeking through the doorway, and the clone sprang into action. She drew a short-sword that I had missed before and lunged towards the intruder. I'd never seen her in action before, and I wasn't unimpressed.

The distance was closed in a few seconds and she drew the blade through an overhead slash, it looked like she was going for the neck in the first blow. The intruder lifted their rifle, and I could make out that the flash of light had been a rather substantial bayonet mounted to the front of a full-stocked rifle.

Something about that seemed familiar.

Rogue's wakizashi struck the bayonet with a thunderous crash and a shower of sparks. The intruder managed to get under the attack and locked Rogue's blade into her bayonet's crossguard, then pushed the attack and swung the butt of the rifle hard into Rogue's body.

Rogue brought her knee up into the intruder's crotch and kicked back, breaking the bind and opening up some distance, just enough for a second lunge, again aiming for the neck.

The intruder brought their bayonet up for another block and stepped back, keeping the distance open and keeping their blade forward towards Rogue. The wakizashi struck at the bayonet point again, keeping the barrel out of alignment with her as she pushed hard to close the distance again.

Something about it-

"Archer has a shot, she's taking it!" Suzu yelled over the sounds of the fight. Something was still wrong, this wasn't a soldier. This was something else. Fencer?

The intruder blocked another overhand strike from Rogue right in front of the stacking swivel and let the momentum of the strike swing the rifle around her forward hand. The butt struck Rogue in the side of the head, followed up with a swift butt stroke to the chin that knocked her off her feet.

I recognized the rifle, which meant I knew who the intruder was. "Negative! Archer needs to stand down!" I yelled as I leaped into a sprint. Rogue was on her back, and the intruder was about to deliver the killing blow. I had to stop this, before-

The intruder swung _her_ rifle around and brought the point of the bayonet down on the supine form of Rogue and in that instant the bright orange flash of an AT field lit up the barn _and_ the intruder's face. I could see the shock written all over it.

The muzzle flash that followed was nothing compared to the deafening sound that reverberated through the barn and caused my ears to hiss. The bullet splashed against the AT field and the point of the bayonet was still held at bay, but Rogue was pinned to the floor, unable to strike back.

"That's enough!" I yelled over the ringing in my ears and the temporary flash blindness from staring directly at the muzzle. Victoria wouldn't forgive me if I let it go any further, and I probably wouldn't forgive myself either.

"Raven, back off!" I screamed again.

The intruder stopped and stepped back as if slapped, the fear was evident on her face. She turned to me as Rogue withdrew and brought her blade back to ready, but stopped pushing forward. "Rei?! What the fuck is going on!?"

I sighed and walked over to her. The ringing in my ears was starting to die down anyway, of course I'd never hear that frequency again, but what could you do? "I tried to explain it to you before. You didn't exactly believe me then. The truth is a little bit more difficult to grasp."

She threw her arms to the sides, the rifle rattled a bit when it hit the end of her reach. "Well fucking _try! _What the hell are you even _doing _here?"

"Well, I knew he wouldn't look here. I didn't think you would either. I guess if anyone was going to find me here it would have been you, though." I sighed and shook my head, "Rae, there's not a good place to start."

"Then pick a _bad_ place."

"You mean like this? Yeah, okay. Maybe some real introductions." I turned towards Suzu. "Get Archer down here."

"Rei, I'm losing my patience." She stepped towards me. I was intimately aware of that bayonet and what I knew she could do with it.

"Alright, introductions. You've met Suzu. But her _real_ name is Rei Ayanami. The gray haired guy with her is Kaworu Nagisa. The girl you kicked the shit out of is... Well, let's call her the 'Third Rei' for the sake of simplicity." I rattled off while staring at the other woman.

Her face went through a range of emotions, the most common being shock and disbelief, with anger and distrust as a close second. I could neither blame her nor claim surprise. She'd have to accept the truth because she'd seen it.

"Ikari..." she muttered under her breath. I could almost see the gears turning behind her eyes.

"Rei Ikari, designated pilot of Unit One. The third child. Daughter of Gendo and Yui Ikari. Yes." I answered.

Ayanami gave me a look from the side, one that said 'what the hell is going on' almost as well as words could have. She didn't appreciate the gravity of what Rae was trying to process, but I did. It couldn't have been terribly different from when I woke up in a blue Renault so many years ago.

Rae'd seen the AT field. The rest didn't really matter. I was Rei, not Victoria. Telling her anything else about that would only make it worse for her. There was no benefit for either of us. Maybe I didn't love Rae in the way that her wife had, but that didn't mean I didn't care about her.

I wouldn't burden her with the pain.

"This is unbelievable," she finally managed to say after working her mouth mutely a few times. "Completely unbelievable."

"The other option, of course, is that it's all _magic_. Is that more a more palatable truth?" Ayanami asked her. I could detect a subtle sarcastic tone, though the words themselves made her sarcasm obvious. She was slipping back into old mannerisms.

I stepped forward and put my hand on Rae's shoulder. "I told you I was with WILLE, but that's not exactly true. My allegiance was always to the people I care about. You're going to hear about what we did in the coming days... assuming the world doesn't end before then."

She stared at me and I sucked on my teeth nervously. "And, well," I continued, "WILLE didn't do that, and I didn't do that for WILLE. Whatever it is they'll say happened, I did what I did to rescue my friend, to try to stop the military from tapping into powers they can't control. I did it while wearing a red fig leaf."

I pointed at the P-38 cooling off behind me, and the large red leaf logos emblazoned on the wings and tail. It was a logo I was certain she would have been familiar with. With my hair dyed back the color I preferred and my contacts out, _I_ certainly looked the part she was expecting.

"Why even tell me any of this? I'm a liability now right? Even if I can't help but believe you, you can't trust me with this kind of information, you hardly even know me!" She yelled. She was tearing up, upset, afraid.

"I need you to trust _me_. You walked in on us, I needed you to understand why. I can't protect you if you don't trust me, I can't keep what's coming away from you." I tried to explain even as my grip on her shoulder got tighter, tighter than I intended.

"Why would you even want to? I'm nobody to you."

I bit down on my tongue as a reminder of how much it might hurt later. "Because you were somebody to Gypsy Rose, to whom I owe a debt I can never repay."

As soon as the words left my mouth I could see it in her eyes, I could see the hurt and the pain. When she heard that name, it was as though she had died all over again. She grabbed my by the wrist and threw my arm to the side, away from her. "How do you know that name?!" She yelled at me. "What could you possibly even know about her!?"

I felt the tears welling up in my own eyes. Seeing Rae like this, I felt myself starting to mourn for a woman I'd never really met, whose life I could remember living, whose absence I could _feel _every time I was with Rae. What could I say about her? What could help?

I closed my eyes and felt the tears run down the side of my nose. "She loved you. She'd have killed or died for you. You were the first person she loved, and the last. She kept _me_ alive. Without you, she was lost. We fought, we tried to kill each other, but at the very end of everything... at the end of everything there was enough blame to go around. She wanted me to make sure you were safe, and I told her that I would make sure of it."

She shook her head, I could tell she wanted to hit me, or hug me, or cry. "What are you talking about? She never met you. She's _dead!_"

Behind Rae, I saw Archer, _Makinami_, walking up through the pasture with her rifle slung against her back. She was wearing her WILLE uniform, even without the patches that much was evident.

I took a breath and looked at Rae again. "She has, and she's not. Not really. Not anymore."


	49. What you can't live without

Chapter 43:  
What you can't live without

"They'll never let you land." Makinami's voice was not angry, but it was forceful. Of course it would be.

My eyes flicked from Rae to Mari, "Why do you bring that up?"

"Because I know what an Ayanami would do in this situation." Mari continued, "You're going to take her to see Commander Becket. They won't let you land, not after the operation we just pulled. They're going to be on high alert."

I shook my head. Of course she was right, that's the exact move I was planning to make. Rae needed me to do this, and there was a part of me that wouldn't let her go without it. I looked levelly at Mari, "You know, I'm not an Ayanami, even with these eyes."

She smirked but it didn't quite reach her eyes; in those I saw barely contained anguish. "Your mother _was_, though. You're not that different."

"You knew her?" I asked. Mari hadn't looked that old when I first met her, but she hadn't changed since then either. I didn't know her enough to know how old she _really_ was, and with the way everything else had been going-

Unit One had moved for her, with no prior contact. She'd made it work when I left with Asuka after the Unit Three incident.

"We were close." Mari admitted, "I'm telling you this because I feel like I owe her that much. Give WILLE a reason _not_ to shoot you down."

I felt my hand curling into a fist, tightening until the joints popped, and then relaxing again. I glanced at Rae, who seemed to be fine with _not_ pressing on either of us for information on what exactly the hell we were talking about, for which I was eternally grateful.

Still, I felt an obligation to her, not just for what she'd done for me, but for what I knew she'd done for her wife. She deserved anything I could give her, didn't she?

I looked over my shoulder at the plane still covered in a tarp, and then to the still-cooling P-38. A reason not to shoot me down? A surrender? There was still too much to do that Misato wasn't doing. Someone had to.

"Alright," I finally said, "What do you advise then?"

"I advise that you be prepared to make sacrifices. You can't have everything, so pick what you can't live without and let go of the rest." Mari finally answered after a pause.

Maybe that's what she'd done. What couldn't I live without, what could I let go of? I looked back at that red leaf painted on the P-38's wing. What that had stood for when we'd all stood behind it. Maybe the ideals weren't identical, but I had the same force of purpose.

"Alright, let's get the Lightning refueled and load fresh belts." I announced. I sucked my teeth and turned towards Rae, "If you're willing to take on the risk, I'll get you where you want to go."

xxx

The P-38 cockpit was not intended for two people. One short person could fit comfortably, a taller pilot would be a little more cramped, but it was always doable. With the pilot's rear armor plate and the original tube radio removed there was a little more storage space in the back, behind the pilot's seat.

It was this quirk of my particular aircraft that gave rise to one of the worst ideas I'd had. The F-2 was out of the question. It was my final bargaining chip, and flying in with that plane, after what I'd done, was too threatening a posture for them to let me through.

But in a pinch, if we tried really hard... Well, the P-38 would do.

I glanced up into the mirror and looked at Rae, who was curled up into a less-than-comfortable position in order to fit on top of the surge tank behind my seat. She was, fortunately, small enough that she could fit into the space normally reserved for the tube-radio that the plane was built with.

It didn't make me any less fearful that we were in a relatively safe world. There was no Angel to worry about and yet my fear was tenfold what it had been the day that I first took Misato into the sky. Maybe it was because I could pretend the Angel had other motivations, it didn't have an intellect, it wasn't targeting _me_.

But I'd been a menace. There were human minds involved, there were grudges and hatreds following me around now. The Americans most certainly wanted blood paid back in kind. WILLE wouldn't take kindly to the P-38s new livery. It wasn't thought out, but I couldn't just go live that boring life anymore, not with the mark nine in play.

It wasn't like I was even that suited, I didn't feel like I had anything to offer that Asuka or Ayanami or Mari couldn't do. I was at best the same, but I couldn't stand the _inaction_ of just letting them handle it. I was probably selfish, but I wanted to be involved, at least so I could see Misato.

Maybe I could get Rae back her lost time. Maybe I could get back my own with Misato.

Unfortunately we couldn't have much of a conversation over the sound of the engines chugging along. It might have been a blessing, given how much confusion and stress we'd both been through the last few hours. A relatively non-communicative trip to WILLE's platform in the Gulf might be exactly what we both needed.

Radio silent over the Gulf of Mexico, water as far as the eye could see. I was a sitting duck and screwed if anything went wrong with the engines or fuel. Even so, it was still beautiful. Out on the horizon, just at the edge of what I could see was a little speck that I was hopeful would resolve into at least part of the fleet.

I still had the fuel to turn back, but by this point I didn't know what to do if we failed to find them.

If that was them, they certainly already had us on radar, but there was no stopping that. I'd reveal who I was as late in the game as possible. As far as they could tell this was a civilian aircraft.

I felt my anxiety building and rolled the throttles forward for a little extra airspeed. The faster we got there the faster it would be over, that's how it worked, right?

There was a click over the radio, on the guard frequency. It surprised me but didn't seem to indicate anything in particular. The fact that it nearly made me jump out of my skin was a testament to the adrenaline and stress I was experiencing.

The tail warning radar screeched a warning note and the red light on the panel lit up. My hands clenched tight on the yoke and I wrenched it over into a hard snap roll to the left and then hauled the yoke back towards my chest.

The plane screamed as it pulled through the roll and pitched until I was staring at water through my canopy and the altimeter screamed down under fourteen thousand. I could see Rae trying to hold herself in place behind me in the mirror. That wouldn't be the worst of it.

I looked up through the canopy and saw a plume dangerously close. I'd been shot at without so much as a 'hey' from the aggressor. If I didn't die in the next five seconds I'd have to figure out why that might be.

I pushed the throttles through the wire and kicked in war emergency power on both engines, for what good it might do. A quick movement of that same hand had both drop tanks released and free falling away from the plane.

I didn't bother telling Rae. She wouldn't hear me and even if she did there wouldn't have been time.

Both engines screamed as we tore through five hundred miles per hour and the plane shuddered from the constant pitch turn. Instrumentation would have made it easier, but my only hope was to try to notch the missile by hand, to get the plane into a fifty knot relative velocity window to hide it in the ground clutter.

I spared a glance 'up' through the canopy at the plume, five seconds, four. My eyes flicked between Rae and the missile. She hadn't noticed it yet, she could die without knowing why. Two, one.

The whole aircraft shook like it had been gripped by the hand of God and then nothing. It had been a radar guided missile, and the thing that saved our lives was a stupid quirk of engineering, and it wouldn't work again.

The center of the radar return was where the missile was trying to aim, it must have just barely missed by flying between the booms and behind the cockpit.

The attack had come from behind, from the coast. The Americans caught up to me? Intel must have gotten out after all.

I keyed the radio and started yelling, "Cease fire! I surrender! I surrender!"

No response, nothing. I could see contrails above while I leveled into a mad sprint towards the fleet. If I could get close enough they wouldn't have a choice, right? The fighters were still bearing down but hadn't fired again, they were probably closing in for a guns or heater kill. They could afford it, they could outrun out turn and out gun me.

I needed help.

I kept the radio keyed up on guard, "Mayday, Mayday, Mayday. Cylon One-Three is under attack. Repeat, Cylon One-Three is taking fire."

The plane shook violently as it shed speed it earned through the dive and leveled out a couple of dozen feet above the water's surface. It would buy me minutes at most, and no reply on the radio. Behind me Rae had become aware we were in trouble, I only wished I could have done something to calm her fears.

Or my own fears.

"God dammit Victoria, Rae is in the plane with me!"

"_Cylon One-Three, this is _Wunder-_actual. Maintain course and altitude." _There was a brief hesitation and then Victoria's voice came back. "_Attention American military aircraft, disengage or you will be shot down. If that P-38 goes down your ejection seats won't save you. If you don't think I'm serious I invite you to test me. _Wunder_ out."_

I felt a smile creep onto the corner of my mouth. They might have decided to help me anyway, but Rae's presence on the plane lit a fire under Victoria's ass and got me what I needed. Still, I knew and they knew who pulled the op against that convoy.

I could only hope that they found me to be in the right when I told them why.

In the sky above me shells started to burst, flare and chaff shells fired from the sixteens on the Iowas based on the range and intensity They must have been closer than I thought, or I was going faster than I thought.

In either case I would get to land soon and for the first time in a long time I was looking forward to being outside of the cockpit.

The tail radar screamed again and I looked up into the mirror to see one of the jets had closed in on me and was trying to line up for guns. He'd apparently accepted the invitation. I stepped into the left rudder and pulled back on the yoke as a burst of tracer fire shot past my right wingtip. He was definitely out for blood.

I couldn't let him keep me turning, he could get his energy back a lot faster than me and if he caught me in a position where I couldn't maneuver we'd both be dead. Not that it was that far off in the first place. I could force an overshoot but there was no way I'd ever be able to get guns on him. Not if he knew what he was doing.

"I'm in trouble!" I yelled as another burst of fire tore past the canopy far far closer than I'd ever be comfortable with. I reached over and closed the radiators for a little extra airspeed. I would overheat the engines in short order but cool engines wouldn't do me any good if I was dead.

My heart was pounding up into my chest as the lighting twisted and pitched through the air, each time only narrowly avoiding getting tagged by twenty millimeter cannon shells from the jet chasing us.

Jet. Fighter jet. _Right_.

I twisted the yoke as hard as I could to the left to tighten up the roll while I pulled the radiators back open. Engine temperatures started dropping immediately and so did my airspeed. The plane shook and the engines strained, I needed to seal the deal. Flaps down to the combat position increased my pitch rate substantially, then I chopped the throttle and stepped hard into the rudder.

The force of the plane rotating sideways into the air-stream pressed me forward into my harness, I could only imagine the difficulty Rae was having holding on, but the maneuver did what I needed it to. I bled airspeed and forced the pursuing fighter into an overshoot.

The silhouette of a twin engine fighter passed over my canopy and I immediately returned the throttles to the stops and hauled back on the stick to increase the separation, at least for a moment. The sky filled the front of my canopy before I snap-rolled back over and pulled through the corkscrew.

Ahead of us, the F-15, which I now saw it to be, was pulling into his own roll to deny me a firing solution. Rolling scissors. If he tried to break away and use airspeed to get away I could probably hit him while he extended out, at the very least I had enough ammo to last longer than he could as long as I could keep his nose off my tail.

But then he had the energy to outlast me in the scissors.

I was lucky enough that we were locked into the scissors in the general direction of the platform, and of _Wunder_.

"_Ikari what the hell did you do!?"_

"Asuka!?" I could use that. If she was on the radio she was in _something: _a fighter, maybe Unit Two? It didn't matter, I might not actually die today. The fight would be over the moment I had backup, but could a fighter really be in the air already?

I stepped into the rudder to bring my reticle over the flight path of the Eagle and pressed down on the firing studs; both the machine guns and the nose mounted auto-cannon barked out a steady stream of party mix towards the fighter jet.

It didn't connect and I hadn't expected it too, but I wasn't going to go down without a fight as futile as fighting might end up being.

Ahead of me the water started to ripple and a huge tracer shot past us, followed by a second and a third. I tried to follow it back to its source and-

Unit Two was standing on the surface of the water, slowly rising upwards on the back of the _Wunder_. So that's where they'd been hiding it. I spotted the muzzle flash of the rifle Asuka was using as another tracer lanced towards us.

It looked like she was trying to shoot down the F-15. It made me wish Mari was here, she probably would have landed the shot.

The F-15 pitched violently into the vertical. Asuka might not have hit, but she spooked the pilot into evasion. I squeezed both firing studs as I pulled back on the yoke and chased the enemy pilot into his panic climb. I didn't have the horsepower to hang with him, but if I was lucky at least one of my shots might land home, and I could turn inside of his radius any day of the week.

Clear blue sky once again filled my forward canopy as tracers lanced up towards my target as the much larger tracers bracketed it on either side. He was still pulling away from me though, I wouldn't catch up to him.

And I didn't have to.

As my airspeed fell and I started to stall I watched one of the tracers impact the tail section of the jet and remove it from existence in an instant. The ejection of the pilot from what remained of his aircraft followed soon after as we turned and fell into an airspeed recovering dive.

The water filled the canopy and I eased back on the yoke until we leveled back out. _Wunder _was much closer, but we couldn't land there. Victoria must have been prepared for this eventuality to have gotten to us so soon, though not soon enough to save us had Unit Two not activated.

"I told you I'd get you where you needed to go!" I yelled over my shoulder to Rae, hopefully loud enough for her to hear me. It hadn't gone the way I would have liked, but it did work out in the end.

I eased the power back on both engines as we popped up over top of the _Wunder _and eased the left wing down to raise my hand in a salute to Unit Two through the upper canopy. Of course, this also gave everyone who was looking a nice clear look at my livery.

"_Cute paint job. Runway on the central platform is open and you're clear to land. I hope you've got a good reason."_  
I knew I shouldn't say it; I couldn't bite back my retort. "Yeah, my reason is that I didn't forget my job. Cylon One-Three, out."

I toggled the radio off after that, whatever Victoria might say back, I didn't want to hear it.

I rolled the landing gear handle downwards and brought the flaps out the rest of the way. With the platform and runway just ahead of us I wanted to be going as slow as I could be when I set down, so that I could make sure not to over-run the runway.

As expected, the controls loosened up as our airspeed dropped. I was either packing brass ones or completely out of my mind to land a plane bearing this logo in the middle of WILLE central. Why not both?

I was trying to make a point, and no better way than this, no better way then telling them what they _let_ happen. Rae was as much a trump card as she was a passenger. They would never fire a shot at me with her aboard.

I would like to think I commanded the same respect, but with Victoria in a position of authority and Misato giving me the cold shoulder I couldn't be sure of that. No, I needed an insurance policy.

I added a little power to slow our descent and the plane smoothed out a little, controls tightened up just a little. Ahead of us the six ocean platforms strung together with an airstrip in the middle grew ever larger. Its size could have easily rivaled Nerv headquarters back when it was still inside the geofront.

At a guess the runway looked to be about two hundred feet above the water; when I passed under three hundred feet I cleared the outer marker and flared. The mains touched with a chirp and I chopped power down to idle and leaned into the wheel brakes.

The plane slowed rapidly, and I wasn't going that fast to begin with, as we approached a turn-off onto an open area flanked by aircraft elevators, that would be my destination. A little differential braking, releasing the right and leaning into the left, steered us onto the pad.

It looked like people were already waiting for us. Two officers uniforms in red, two more in a darker blue, and those two had guns. That was expected.

I killed the engines and pushed the canopy open. I felt my legs trembling as I pushed myself out onto the wing and then dropped onto the platform surface. I could hear Rae working herself out of the cockpit behind me, but I didn't look; she could handle herself.

I was more concerned with the people sent to greet us. Two women, one taller than the other. They approached while the armed men stayed behind. Even with the sunglasses the one on right, the taller one, wore, I could tell who she was.

My mouth dried up, my throat felt tight. Eyes watering. 'Pick what you can't live without, let go of the rest.' Mari's words echoed in my mind. My feet were moving before I could put thought into it. Hands clenched into fists and relaxed again.

I could remember the feel of touch, the scent of shampoo and perfume, the warmth of an embrace. Mari was right, and I had made my decision. I pulled my goggles and cap off and dropped them to the deck, they didn't matter.

I almost died, almost got Rae killed at the same time. The chances I took, even if there wasn't another way... Maybe it was the brush with mortality or the realization that we only had the time if we were lucky; I couldn't stand to wait any longer.

Misato stared down at me as I found myself in front of her, only a few dozen inches away. Her hand pulled back for a slap, and I took that last step forward. Something I couldn't live without, I put my arms around her and let her jacket soak up the tears.


	50. Getting the band back together

Chapter 44:  
Getting the band back together

The meeting room we occupied looked like it had been carved right out of an old ship, and it very well may have been. They had to get the materials for the platform from somewhere and they hardly needed every ship that had come through. Tenders and cargo ships and the like. They were more for mobility than storage and WILLE no longer had a need to run.

"So are we going to address the elephant in the room?"

I felt my mouth curl up at the corner and couldn't fight back a snicker. "Sorry Gypsy, are you talking about the convoy hit or the angry Korean?"

"I think your actions are more concerning to our stability at the moment. I'd like to hear an explanation for that first." Misato said levelly.

She hadn't pushed me away when I'd embraced her. After a moment her hand had even come down to rest on my back. Maybe there was still something there after all these years. The fifteen years had been kind to her, but my feelings wouldn't have changed a bit even if they hadn't been.

"They had my friend. I wanted him back." I answered simply.

"You know what happened last time you felt like that." Victoria interjected, leaning across the table.

"Yeah well, I don't think there's much of a chance of a P-38 setting off an impact event. Human beings don't require _that_ much effort to kill. You should know what's at stake, what they could get from him. What they _did_ get from him. I don't have any regrets."

I thought Misato might climb over the table and slap me. Victoria beat her to the punch and threw her clipboard at me. "No _regrets_?! Are you out of your goddamned mind? You declared war on the United States and your little stunt with Raven signed us up to fight it!"

I let the clipboard hit me and shook my head, "No, _Nerv_ declared war on the United States. The P-38 wears that insignia for a reason. I'm flying _that_ flag because yours doesn't seem to stand for much. They captured and experimented on my _friend._ He's as much a reason as any that you all get to live in this _living_ world instead of our old wasteland."

I sighed and leaned against the table, stared down at my reflection in the glossy surface. "It doesn't matter. They got what they were after. They turned the Mark Nine back on. If they let that thing off the chain I can't stop it, not even with the F-2. I came here because you needed to know, you need to be ready to stop it."

"If that's true... we will need some kind of proof. I don't expect you to have any, but we will need to find some way of getting it." Misato mused, rubbing her chin and looking over at the wall as if lost in thought.

"Hey..." Rae started from behind me, "I _really_ don't want to get involved in this _really_ heavy shit you guys have got going on, but why _did_ you back Rei up once you found out I was in the plane with her?"

"That's a complicated question to answer. I'm not sure that this is really the right time-" Victoria tried to explain. I could see the blush rising to her cheeks. Her evasiveness made my blood boil. Rae would be the only person that could take her from one hundred back to zero like that, knock the wind out of her sails and stop her rage in it's tracks.

I knew that for the same reasons she did, and I wouldn't stand for it.

"Gypsy Rose!" I yelled, "I swear I will tell her _everything_ if you don't start telling her the truth right now."

"Rei-"

"No! Tell her your name, right now, or I swear to God _I _will!" I felt the bones in my right hand cracking and my nails digging into the soft flesh of my palm. I would do more than tell her, I had a right hook that was begging for another go.

Victoria took a deep breath and closed her eyes, then let it out slowly and re-opened them. "My name is Victoria Eleanor Becket. I was adopted after my father died in the second impact, my name was changed from J-"

"You're alive." Rae said simply. Two words that seemed to lift her higher than I'd seen her since we'd come here. Since I had met her for the first time outside of memories that weren't mine. She moved slowly around the table, crossed the few feet in what seemed like slow motion. Her eyes never left Victoria.

"I'm not... Raven I'm not the same Victoria, I remember but... she die-"

Rae grabbed Victoria by both shoulders and stared directly into her eyes. "August fifteenth two thousand five."

Victroria stared back at her and I could see the tears forming in her own eyes. I felt jealous, lonely, but satisfied. She wasn't mine, she'd never be mine. Her heart didn't lie with Rei Ikari, no matter what I remembered. That was okay.

Finally, Victoria's lips parted. "Yes."

Rae pulled Victoria against her and buried her face against her neck. "That's... good enough. I missed you."

I felt my throat tightening up; felt my eyes watering. I stepped back and ducked out through the door behind me.

I shuffled down the hallway until I couldn't make out the words anymore. It was... difficult, but it was not my reunion to participate in. I could never tell Rae that I remembered the same things Victoria did. I could never tell her that when she said that date I _too_ felt the absence of the cold metal against my chest.

I wasn't Victoria, I never would be, but that didn't mean that I couldn't fall for a memory. It didn't mean I couldn't long for and ache for something I didn't have anymore.

"Ikari, hey."

I looked up, Asuka was standing in her plug suit. She'd washed herself off but it did make a certain sense that she stayed dressed for combat. I wasn't really surprised that she'd come to see me, or maybe to keep an eye on me.

"Shikinami. Good shooting. I owe you one." I shrugged back towards the room as a pretext for rubbing my jacket sleeve across my eyes, "bit of a tearful reunion between Victoria and her wife in there."

Asuka frowned at me and looked towards the door. "I didn't think she was married."

"Victoria Becket wasn't, but the Victoria from this earth was. Before she died." I shrugged again and reached up to tap the side of my head, "S'all up here. Can't get what I want, could get her what she wanted."

She leaned against the wall next to me. "I didn't think you two got along. You_ did_ spend the better part of a year trying to kill each other." Her surprise was evident in her voice, but she didn't seem any more put out than that. Not angry, at least.

"She's more like me than she's not. We're... it doesn't matter. She was trying to kill my dad, she's not doing that anymore. It was for Rae too. She's not the same Victoria who died, but she's got the same face, same memories. It was just a little detour, they met again at the end." I sighed and slumped down to sit on the floor against the wall.

"You seem so excited about it." She deadpanned while sitting down next to me. "I would expect you to be a little happier about playing matchmaker."

"I don't have the same face." I shook my head, "My heart lies with someone else. I just wish that she could go back to the way we used to be. I tried to live without her, live without this. I guess I just can't go home from the war... but maybe I could go home to her."

She chuckled softly, it was a little foreign to me, had been so long since I'd heard it, I supposed. "Can't live a life where you're not shooting things and causing trouble huh?"

I smirked and looked at her. "Come on, you're not any better."

She shrugged and put her arms behind her head, smirked, and took a breath. "Well, it's not like they could get by without their best Eva pilot. Mari's alright but she's no me, and her Eva is no Unit Two."

And her Unit Two was no Unit One, but that was out of my reach for the time being.

"Speaking of Mari, when is she going to be back with the fleet?"

"The _Dallas_ is going to pick them up off the coast and bring them in silently. You've really stirred up a hornet's nest with the stunt you pulled."

"Ayanami put me up to it." I shrugged.

She rolled her eyes and put her right hand up to her forehead with a little more _flair_ than was necessary. "Of course she did. There's something wrong with _both_ of you. I don't know _why_ I put up with either of you."

"I appreciate it all the same. You didn't have to do what you did for me today."

I felt her hand squeeze my shoulder. I looked over and she shook her head at me. "After what you did for me, I _did_ have to. I was already launching Unit Two before Victoria gave the order."

I smirked and leaned back against the wall. Maybe things were looking up after all, Nerv insignia or not.

xxx

I was more comfortable in the hanger than I'd been in the briefing room, the smell of lubricants and fuel and spent flare buckets was calming in its familiarity. The hanger I'd found myself in after departing Asuka's company was a hanger full of Raptors.

Cylon flight's hanger.

Despite being relatively devoid of people it was well populated with equipment. Missile carriages, spare drop tanks, and four F-22 Raptors to fill the six painted rectangles on the floor, each with a number painted in the center. The first and third slots were vacant, probably on a mission of some sort.

The click of my boots against the metal floor was the only noise as I walked past the aircraft. The size of the machines was only truly apparent when you got close. Somehow when they were in the air the scale just wasn't as clear. The last time I'd seen them in the air-

I shook my head and stepped back from the plane I'd approached. I looked down to find myself standing in the first slot, with '1-1' painted on the floor. This slot was cleaner than the others, without the spots or tire marks that the others had.

I at the far end, towards the middle of the hanger and away from the wall, there was a word written in English on the floor. Letting my curiosity get the better of me, I walked down the length of the slot until the word resolved itself. Red lettering on the edge of the yellow rectangle, reading 'Becket.'

The lump in my throat returned with a vengeance and my eyes blurred, filled with tears. After all this time, was the loss still as fresh for them as it was for me? I tried to blink away the tears and they dripped down my face and splattered against the floor.

A strong hand gripped my shoulder from the side, larger than Misato's hand, adult, male. I looked to the side and up into an older man's eyes. "Miller?"

He was older than I remembered, but he'd have to be. It had been fifteen years. Cylon One-Two. Alan Miller. We'd flown down from Alaska together.

"We don't blame you, so you shouldn't blame yourself. He did it because he wanted to do it. You were worth it to him." He squeezed my shoulder and pointed over to the other vacant spot. "Come on, I have something to show you."

We hadn't talked much, just in passing. Becket had always been the one I'd talked to, he'd been the one who'd taken care of me. My contact with the rest of the flight was limited either due to politics or discomfort, I didn't really know. Before now, I hadn't really thought about it.

I let him guide me to the other empty slot, passing by the occupied '1-2' slot. 'Miller' was written in red block lettering in front of the yellow border in the same way that 'Becket' had been. The '1-3' slot looked just like the first one had, clean and devoid of debris or stains. At the head of the slot, in red block lettering, 'Ikari' was written.

I tried to blink the fresh tears away and turned towards him. "Why? After everything that happened, after my mistakes, why?"

"Because you earned it. We didn't fly together for long, but you earned your place. Because when Becket went down you were as angry as any of us. You won't find anyone in the flight who doesn't feel the same way." He patted my shoulder and stepped few steps away, looking over towards the hanger door.

He smiled and looked back towards me and the empty space in which I stood. "When you're ready, as far as we are concerned, that spot will be waiting for you."

"How does Victoria feel about that?"

"I didn't ask her permission."

I nodded, "I guess time doesn't heal all wounds. You know I might have started a war with the Americans."

He shrugged and leaned against the side of his aircraft, "It's not my America."

I closed my eyes and took a breath, gave myself a moment to think. It wasn't the same as the world we left, but did that really matter? This was a place we could protect, _had_ to protect, and could live in, become a part of.

"It could be."

"Maybe one day, but not right now. We've been paying attention to more than you know."

"Which means what exactly?" Cryptic nonsense was more of my father's forte, I was more about the straightforward, at least right now.

"That's enough for now. I should have guessed that you'd have found your way here. You really are her, aren't you?"

I whirled around at that voice. It was probably the most Misato had said to me since I'd come back from Unit One. Was that why she had shunned me? "Of course, I've always been Rei Ikari. Were you afraid I wasn't?"

The frown on her face, and the blush on her cheeks, told me what I needed to know. Had she expected this conversation to happen when she followed me here? "I was afraid you might not be."

I stepped away from Miller and walked up to Misato, looked up into her eyes. "You should have just asked. I'm sorry about... everything before, everything I never said. I was afraid everything would turn worse if I said anything at all."

She shook her head and put her finger to my lips. I felt my cheeks heating up in a way they hadn't in years, felt the butterflies in my stomach. "Don't look back, just look forward, Rei."

When her finger fell from my lips I moved in and pulled her into a hug. This time she wasn't restrained, this time she didn't pull back or tense up. Her arms wrapped around me and-

"Holy shit, Miller you gotta hear this!" The moment was ruined, we both turned to see a man sprinting into the room holding a radio in his hand, his cheeks were flushed and sweat slicked his skin. He skidded to a stop in front of us and tried to catch his breath.

"Anderson? What's going on?" Miller asked the panting man. His hand had already reached out to grab the other man on the shoulder to help stabilize him.

The other man, Anderson, shook his head and cranked the volume knob on the radio. The sound of static crackled and echoed through the hanger for a few moments before a voice came back on the radio.

"_Unidentified helicopter please submit identification immediately, you are in restricted airspace."_

"_November Niner Eight Five Alpha Bravo requesting landing clearance. My name is John Becket. I need to see Misato Katsuragi immediately."_


	51. John Becket

Chapter 45:  
John Becket

We get what we deserve. Through action or inaction, everything always comes back to us in the end, and there were no exceptions. My pain was my penance, my solitude was my reward, for a time. Maybe the other shoe hadn't dropped yet, maybe this reconciliation was for moments, and then another fifteen years of pain. I could endure it, if nothing else killed me first I imagined I might endure that fifteen years fifteen times over.

At least, it felt that way.

But if I had killed the world, John Becket had saved it. For all the wrong I did to all the people I'd done it to, he sacrificed himself to save me. When the chips were down, and I was the last one standing, the last one between an Angel and the end of the world.

Maybe I'd flinched, or maybe I should have. Maybe I should never have run, but if I killed the world, John Becket saved every single soul that survived it.

If he was coming here, now, there had to be a reason for it. Was he given a second chance, like I had? Was this a blessing, or was it a curse? If we got what we deserved, what was it that he had earned? Why was he here?

I raised my hand to block some of the down-wash from the helicopter as is settled towards the pad. Of course, a group of heavily armed men awaited around the slowly descending UH-1H, just in case. I couldn't imagine they were necessary.

And if it was John, and if they did try to shoot... Well, even if it wasn't the same man, there were at least four people who wouldn't stand for it. If Victoria wasn't armed I'd be shocked, and if she engaged than Rae, who had at least two guns on her person that I knew of, would back her up.

At that point Miller would either throw down or call out. Cylon Flight would no longer obey WILLE orders in either case.

Question: Had the unity of the group always been so tenuous?

For my part, I had a snub nosed magnum tucked into my boot and a hold-out pistol against the small of my back. AT field in a pinch.

High stress situations and itchy trigger fingers being what they were, I couldn't absolve myself of responsibility for instigating the tense atmosphere with the shit I'd pulled over the gulf.

Of course, that didn't mean I had any regrets. At least none about the last thirty six hours.

I found myself smiling as the skids touched down on the pad. He'd died for me once, returning the favor was the least I could do.

"I'll go first." I heard myself say without even thinking it over. My feet were moving before the engines had even started to spin down. The soldiers behind me shifted their attention to me, but Misato raised a hand to my side and they held back.

Truth be told they probably didn't mind having someone else play canary.

Clearly he wasn't in _that_ much of a hurry. The rotor wash kept blowing down and messing up my hair as I approached. The engine was winding down, surely enough, but he still hadn't come out of the cockpit. If my luck held out I'd be there to open it for him before he finished the shutdown checklist.

He was certainly more disciplined than I was.

By the time I reached the cockpit door the down-wash had reduced to a soft gale. I was about to open the door when I thought better of it; if for some insane reason he _did _remember me, I might not want to give him too much of a startle before I knew if he had a gun and a panicky temperament.

I opted to lean my back against the side of the fuselage aft of the latch and knocked on the glass with the back of my hand. Three taps, nothing fancy. Just enough to let him know someone was outside waiting for him. Someone _maybe_ not pointing a gun at him.

He'd had to have seen all of us on approach; I would think less of him if he hadn't. He'd have seen all of us, and he'd have seen the armed men. If I could finish the day without the taste of burnt powder in my nose I'd be alright, better than average anyway.

I felt a smirk creep onto my face and I glanced over at Miller. If Becket _did_ remember me, I _had_ to fuck with him, just a little.

I heard the door crack open and I licked my bottom lip, "_yōkoso! O-namae wa nan desu ka? Ikari Rei desu!"_

His hesitation was almost palpable, but a moment later the door popped the rest of the way open and a very confused looking man stepped out onto the helipad. A man who looked exactly like the last time I'd seen him, over fifteen years ago.

He turned to me and I gave a wave and a smirk, _"o hisashiburi desu ne." _

When he locked eyes with me his expression shifted and he looked like he'd been struck, or perhaps that he'd seen a ghost. The latter wouldn't be far off the mark for either of us.

His mouth worked up and down in confusion for a few moments before he tried to string something together in stilted Japanese. _"_Uh... e_igo... wa... dekimasu ka?"_

I nodded, "Absolutely, but that's not as fun. So you here about that Eagle we dropped in the drink or is it something else? I have on good authority that he survived the journey if you're concerned."

The conversational whiplash had gotten to him, or at least it looked like it. His face went through a range of emotions before settling on unhappy confusion. "Yes, no, sort of. Glad he's alright, not why I'm here but a good excuse. And you... You're real, and that means Katsuragi _is_ real, and that means I'm not losing my mind."

I nodded, "Yeah, that's always a good feeling. I guess this means you remember. How much do you remember?"

He looked out at the assembled WILLE personnel, those with and without rifles and then back to me. "I feel like this isn't the best venue for that kind of a conversation. It's been kind of a fucked up day and I don't know how I feel about spilling my guts around a bunch of guys with guns pointed at me."

"Yeah, you're not wrong. I'll see if Misato can set up a conference room or something. There are more than a couple of people who will want to see you, but I'm not sure how many of them you'll remember. And..." I trailed off, looking over at the armed men.

He'd died for me, I could return the favor if I had to.

"And what?" he asked, noticing my hesitation.

"And, since I owe you... well a version of you, more than I could ever repay. If it comes down to it there's a four shot three-fifty-seven holdout pistol under my jacket at the small of my back. It draws to my right side." I answered under my breath, loud enough for him to hear me, quiet enough that nobody else would.

His eyebrows rose a bit and he nodded, "I bet there's a really good story behind that."

"I've had kind of a fucked up day too."

"I'll keep that in mind."

xxx

The round table we found ourselves seated at was much more elaborate than the simple room I'd been questioned in previously, and I supposed that was the difference between Becket and I. In him people saw a much more respectable hero, though around this table I certainly found friends of my own.

Clark, Denisovich, Miller, Misato, Gypsy Rose, and even Akagi were present, among many people whom I didn't readily recognize. Age had left its mark on each of them, everyone but me, everyone but Becket.

But then he'd never had to live those intervening years like everyone else had. Eyes were not on _me, _however, but this meeting wasn't about me.

It was about Becket.

"This meeting will be a little informal, as this is probably coming as a surprise to all of you. I know it was a surprise to_ me_." Clark announced with a laugh. "That having been said, this is some pretty unfamiliar territory, which given the last fifteen years or so is really saying a lot."

It was funny, Clark didn't sound British, he was an American by birth as far as I knew, but that level of understatement could only come from an Englishman. Of course, WILLE was multinational in origin so he probably had plenty of time to learn it.

I wondered if that was a check _I _had written for them to cash when I asked for help. _Kitty Hawk_ battle group backed Nerv in my final fight, but then ended up alongside WILLE. So, WILLE must not have been involved in the attack on headquarters. Coincidence or intel leak?

I wished I knew what happened after I was trapped in Unit One. Had Clark's fleet joined up because of the cause or because they had no other ports in which to weather the storm?

"Then maybe I should start," Becket said suddenly as he stood up. "I'm not going to pretend that I understand or am okay with most of this, but for the last twelve months I've felt like I was going insane. I kept seeing fantastic, _amazing _things. My head was filled with the names and the faces of people I'd never met... people who are around this table right now."

The room was hushed, it was not the hero's return that they had expected it to be. He was familiar enough with me though, was there a reason behind that? I wondered if a part of him remembered why he chose to die for me.

I found myself standing and clearing my throat. "And you came looking for answers. I don't know if I can alleviate your confusion or give purpose to what you've seen but..." I trailed off, looking for the words. I caught Miller out of the corner of my eye. I shook my head and took a breath.

The room was looking at me now, not all of them with pleasant expressions. Maybe it wasn't my place to speak, but maybe I didn't care. "Without being too poetic about it, you're wearing the face of a man who, in no uncertain terms, I owe my continued existence to. Maybe that doesn't hold true for everyone here, but the shock and glee everyone is feeling, that _I _am feeling is because it feels like our friend just came back from the dead and returned to us. I've missed you, _we _have missed you."

Misato stood abruptly, Rose a second later. Akagi joined, then Dennisovich, Miller, and Clark. The meeting hadn't been for intelligence gathering. Whatever it _had_ been for, it didn't live up to it, instead it seemed to be solidarity.

And maybe, for a moment, I let myself stop feeling so guilty about his death. Faced with him standing in front of me I understood why Rae was so quick to accept Gypsy Rose as the same woman she'd lost; it was easy to lose yourself in a familiar face and believe it was the same person.

Rae could justify it, I could even justify it for her: Gypsy Rose remembered the life they had together, had the face to match, too. Becket looked the same, _felt_ the same, but his memory was shadows.

Did he remember picking up a drunk, bitterly depressed girl up on the side of the road and taking her to get some food to put on top of the alcohol? Did he remember giving me my callsign?

To my side, Becket looked like he might run or pass out, fight or fall down. Did he remember the gun tucked against the small of my back? I wondered how that might go, wondered if I'd said the wrong thing, that I'd to drive him to it.

I knew _that_ bastard was responsible for it. Was this his idea of a gift, a punishment, or some third option where he wasn't yet done fucking around with our lives?

My left hand spasmed and clenched into a fist so tight I felt the blood pooling in my palm. Had that _bastard_ thrown Becket in front of the missile in the first place?

"You can stay here as long as you need to, use any of our resources to find the answers you're looking for. Rei explained it as well as any of us could have. If you're half the man we remember then you're worth the effort."

Victoria had said the words, the emotion behind them was true and from the heart. I did not envy her the emotional burden she must have been going through, though I did share in some of it. The wife that was never really hers back in her life, and the brother who, in this world, had never been her brother at all.

I felt his hand at the small of my back, still on top of my jacket, open palm against me. My right hand opened and I prepared myself to drop if that's what it came to. It would be a mess, Misato in the crossfire-

The hand slid up my back instead and gripped my shoulder. "If it's all the same," he started, "I need to borrow Iris. She might help me understand some things."

Victoria looked like she might object, her mouth opened about half way before an overly loud dropping of a notebook onto the table drew our attention. Miller was at the other end of that noise and he was giving her a look that could melt steel.

Clark cleared his throat and shrugged, "I imagine that will be just fine. She is not currently bound by any other duties, after all. We will revisit this in two days and see how everything is going then, shall we? Excellent. Meeting adjourned."

He waved his hand towards the door and shook his head. It had gotten away from him, but it had gotten away from everyone else too.

"Yes, that is acceptable. Stay on the ground, though, if you don't mind," Victoria finally said. She didn't look as happy about it as I would have liked. I couldn't imagine she was pleased with me overall, and perhaps she was upset he'd picked me over her.

But then, she should have remembered what path _she_ had chosen all those years ago.

xxx

The sunset and the salt air were a good companion to the cool Corona warming up in my right hand. Hard concrete and steel grid was a poor substitute for warm beach sand between my toes but the rhythmic crashing of the waves hundreds of feet below me had a way of making up for the loss.

Any excuse to wear a bathing suit was a welcome one, even if there wasn't a snowball's chance of my snow-white skin picking up a tan. It was a far cry from Victoria, who had a darker flesh tone than I'd _ever_ had. Still, we did have our similarities and our taste in swim wear was the same: black and two piece.

"So," I started with a casual side-glance at Becket, or was it John now? Some people were always going to be known by their last names, I wondered if he'd be one of them.

"So," he answered back with a nod and a long drag on his bottle. The not-quite yellow liquid sloshed and sudded in the bottle as he tipped it back. It wasn't his first or his fifth, and I wasn't far behind him. He didn't have the biological advantages that _I _had but he was still holding on better than I was.

Not to say I was doing _badly_.

"So, I didn't think this was what you had in mind when you said you needed my help figuring things out."

He tossed his bottle off the edge of the platform and leaned back, laying down against the deck with his legs dangling off. "Most of the dreams, or I guess they are actually memories... Most of them are about you. Could have explained almost anything away, but that P-38 stands out too much; it doesn't make any sense... but there you are."

I nodded and tossed the rest of my mostly finished drink off the edge as well. "Chance came together in a weird way, for sure. Maybe I could have done it differently, maybe you didn't have to die."

He was silent for what felt like hours, just staring up into the sky, as I was, until the sun was all the way down. The stars came out and were little pinpricks of brilliance against the darkness. The view was amazing, more than anything I'd ever seen in Tokyo-3, or even before that. Out on the platform, with the lights off, we could see the _galaxy._

"That was Alan Miller at the table wasn't it. Older, but that _was_ him."

"Yep."

"Huh."

More delay, more stargazing. I could do it all night if I had to, even if it did start to get cold.

"That was you who flew the raid in Canton wasn't it?" He finally asked me. His voice was quieter, no hint of anger but no hint of intoxication either.

Canton, when we'd pulled Kaworu out. I didn't know how many died, didn't want to think about it so I'd gone out of my way not to find out.

Ayanami probably knew.

"Not a whole lot of Lightning's flying around these days." I answered without answering. Those were Americans I'd killed, _his_ brothers in arms. His countrymen.

"I'm trying to figure it out. I wanted to get to know you outside of my memories. I wanted to try to reconcile you being worth dying for with you raiding that convoy. Men died." He sounded calm, but hurt, there was an edge under it.

"They had my friend captive. He'd done nothing wrong, but he's special. He's special like _me. _He can pilot Evangelion and... other things. It doesn't really matter, nobody was going to negotiate for him, nobody was going to trade for him. _I _had to get him out."

I started to sit up but I stopped, sighed, and slumped back onto the cooling deck plate. "I could tell you that I was trying to save the world or something else like that, and maybe we found some important intel about the Mark Nine... The truth is I couldn't leave him behind. Everyone in that convoy knew what their cargo was, they were all responsible for his situation."

He sat up and pulled his legs back onto the deck. I glanced over to see him looking down into the water. Part of me wondered if he wanted to toss me into it.

"If you were worth dying for, I suppose you'd be worth taking at your word." He shook his head and stood up, held his hand down to me. "Would you do it again?"

I took his hand and he pulled me up to my feet. I wobbled for a moment and then steadied myself. Maybe that alcohol had a bit more kick than I gave it credit for. "If I had to, I would. I've lost enough, I won't lose anymore. Would you do it again?" I asked him in return. I wasn't going to try to convince him I was worth it, either he'd see it or he wouldn't. I wouldn't be a different girl than the one he remembered. It would have to be good enough.

He turned away from me and started walking away, back towards the ladder leading down towards the main deck of the platform. His shoes clinked against the deck with each step and then stopped. He turned back towards me and walked the same number of steps back until he was next to me again.

"If it was worth it."


End file.
